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More, More, More - 6/27/2009 4:44:37 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		So, basically this is just venting-- I have to put this somewhere, and this is the most private place (regarding my personal life and who would see it) to put this where others can still read this--

So, my boyfriend's ex-wife is finally tolerant of the fact that I'm seeing him, and that's fine, but she's also going through some kind of mental breakdown where she needs him to be there all the time to talk through stuff.  Apparently it's a medicated thing-- I don't know much about it... just that there's an issue and he's trying to provide her with someone to talk to.

That sits badly with me because until she needs him, she treats him like shit.  He hasn't seen his children in months because she was choosing not to let him, and he hasn't been in her house in even longer-- and now all of a sudden she needs him to be there so everything is ok again.

I get pushed aside because she's having a breakdown.  I think it's bogus.  It's not his job to be there for her or any of those things-- half the time they barely talk.

Right now, if he's not at her house, she calls him every few minutes.  He was staying at my house the other night and she called his cell at 5am. 4 times.  He ended up having to drive out there because she needed him to be there.  We even missed our movie because she wasn't done talking.

We were trying to go to lunch on Wednesday and she called and talked to him for 55 minutes before we could even get out of the car to go in and grab lunch.  That night, we went to go get icecream and in the 5 minutes we were in the icecream shop, she called 3 times.  She then had her son call AGAIN.  After he answered and had said he would be there, she called just a little later and asked him if he'd left yet and when he'd be getting there. Our night got cut short abruptly because apparently he needed to go asap.

This afternoon she called him a bunch of times asking when he was going to be there, while he was trying to work.  He's self employed, and work is really scarce right now.  She already made him cancel all his appointments yesterday so he could stay there with her. Yet somehow she expects him to pay child support on the first. I had called to see how things were going around 1pm, and he said he was busy but he would call me back around 5. He was so overwhelmed by her calling, and trying to get work done that instead of returning my call back at 5pm, he called me at 3am.

When he DID finally call, we got disconnected a bunch of times and then he told me he was too tired to talk.  It's not MY fault he spent all day there.  I didn't ask him to spend all day at her house.  I didn't tell him he had to stay until 3am. Yet I'm the one suffering the consequences of all these actions, and his ex-wife's mental breakdown.

I was waiting up for him to call me back.  First I received a text saying he'd call around midnight, and he didn't get around to it until 3am.  Our day tomorrow has been messed up because our plans at 8am have been canceled. He might not even end up coming over at all tomorrow because she might call and say she needs him to be there---

OR--

She might just call over and over again all day long while he's here, talking to him for a couple hours at a time. And even then, she might decide she needs him to go over there.

I don't know how long this is going to last, but it's really frustrating.  I've been nothing but good to him for the past almost 2 years now (though we've had our problems just like anyone else), and she's treated him like shit for the whole time, and somehow she's the one who gets all the attention.

Not quite sure how to deal with this.  He's going to feel obligated to go there and spend time with her until her meds kick in and start working properly. If she's taking the right stuff with the right dosage, it could be as soon as a couple weeks, but how often does the doctor (who is seeing you for the very first time) get the dosage correct with the correct drug to have it work effectively on the first try? Almost never by my experience.

I know it's just temporary, but it's frustrating. I feel ignored, and she's messing up all our plans to go do stuff.  We can't go any farther than 20 minutes away because she expects him to be there as soon as she calls. Where we live, there's lots of fun stuff to do, but it's at least an hour and a half in any direction before you get there.

If I knew that this was going to be over in a day, or even in a week, I might be able to deal with it, but there's no telling when this mess is going to end. I'm debating whether or not I even want to be here through the circus because staying up til 5 in the morning is a little much for me when I'm working so hard to regulate my sleep schedule and my life.  I don't really have room for this crap too.  It's not MY drama.  It's happening around me, and impacting me, and I don't like it at all. 

I wish he'd just let her be, and live his life independant of her.  This isn't his problem either. 


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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 4:52:49 AM   
VelvetCruelty


Posts: 153
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Status: offline 		She is the mother of his children, and like it or not, he must make sure she is okay, so he can make sure his kids are okay.

I feel for you that he is called away during the times you are together. I've been there, and done it, but, in the end, I walked away. Different circumstances, but, same symptoms. He was always cutting our time short because someone else needed him more than I did.

It sucks, and it's not fair.

I wish you the very best of luck.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 4:59:39 AM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		Sounds like his ex has no job and no social life.

It could even be that she thinks this is the way to get him back.  People can be weird sometimes.

All kinds of people call me at all times.  I talk with them if I have time, or tell them. "I really don't have time to talk.  Can I call you back later?"

In your situation, most women would try to stake a claim and pull on him, which is the last thing he needs. I suggest saying, "Gee, your ex is calling a lot.  What's up with her?"  He'll blow up, talk through it, and maybe realize he has to do something.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 6/27/2009 5:00:22 AM >

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:12:03 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		Well, he was trying to keep it a secret initially, saying "Shes a private person and she doesn't want me sharing the details of her life" but that quickly became unacceptable to me when she was calling and waking us up at 5am. 

I told him that I wouldn't share the details of the situation with others (which is why i've not been super descriptive of the situation on here), but that I needed to know what the issue was because it was seriously angering me that she kept interrupting us, and that calling in the middle of the night just wasn't acceptable.

Honestly, I don't care that she's the mother of his children.  That's fine, but when you push someone that far away and tell them they can't see their kids for 6 MONTHS, at that point (if not immediately after the papers were filed for divorce) she gave up ALL rights to call him at 5am and need something that wasn't DIRECTLY child related. 

When you opt to be a single parent, there are certain things you need to take care of on your own (or with others who you involve in your life after) and one of those things is YOURSELF.  And you need to do it in a developmentally responsible way as far as how it impacts your ums.. and I believe if you can't do that, you're not a fit parent.

If one of the ums is sick, or if there's some other major issue with them, then at that point she could call and say that there was an issue relating to them that he needed to handle, but not even "SOMEONE THREW UP CAN YOU COME CLEAN IT?" no... that's the responsibility of the parent that they live with. 

So, yes, I understand he's their father, but he's not his ex-wife's father, and I whole heartedly believe that if she wanted him to be there for her, they should have stayed married.  Obviously she left him for a reason. 

He shouldn't have to just be there whenever it's convenient for her.  That's unacceptable.



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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:15:19 AM   
Aileen1968


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Status: offline 		The problem isn't her. It's him. He's the one who is allowing her invasion into your lives to continue.
Tell him to get some balls and take back control of his life.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:20:15 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		He's worried that the kids will suffer (or she'll tell him he can't see them again) if he doesn't help her through this.  He's trying not to rock the boat.

I understand that to a degree, but enough is enough.  This has been going on ALL WEEK (after she'd barely spoken a word to him over the past 6 months).

He's scared she'll try to get more money out of him and make him go back to court to change divorce papers and then he'll have to hire people to represent him and all that stuff.

Basically, he's scared of her. 

I think she should be able to handle this on her own. She needs to medicate herself, take care of her children, and get her shit together without making him stay there to listen to her talk for hours on end.  Isn't that what any normal human would do?

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:28:30 AM   
Aileen1968


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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		The kids are already suffering. If he has a divorce settlement with child custody and visitation spelled out and he is current with his support then she has no ability to deny him time with his kids. I'd take her back to court and possibly show that she is unhealthy and unfit to be the custodial parent. Or you could just dump him and be done with all of this mess.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:33:37 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		And they're talking through the same stuff ALL THE TIME.  She told him that he needed to stay the night there last night, and then woke him up every 20 minutes to ask the same few questions. 

The other day, I was having a particularly bad day, (this was RIGHT before all the stuff started happening with her) and I texted him to tell him that I was having a tough day and asked him to call me when he had a few minutes.  He never responded at ALL. We had an argument the night before, but that's still no reason to not respond at all when there's some serious stuff going on with the person who you've been seeing for almost 2 years. 

So, he'll go spend hours with her and stay the night at her house, but he won't call or even text me back when I'm having a particularly bad day? I would think he'd be less responsive to her.

Maybe I should fake some kind of serious mental breakdown so that he'll focus on me for more than two seconds.  I'd never do that, but the thought is certainly there. 

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:36:30 AM   
Aileen1968


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Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		It appears as if he has made a choice to prioritize her over you. Either accept it or don't. It's up to you.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:36:34 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The kids are already suffering. If he has a divorce settlement with child custody and visitation spelled out and he is current with his support then she has no ability to deny him time with his kids. I'd take her back to court and possibly show that she is unhealthy and unfit to be the custodial parent. Or you could just dump him and be done with all of this mess.


The divorce says "as parties agree" as far as visitation is concerned... so essentially it's up to her since they live with her.  It should just say "whatever their mom decides" because that would be more accurate.  but yes, he's current with all of his payments and stuff. 

and he doesn't want to go back to court.  that's what he's trying to avoid.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 5:44:33 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

The problem isn't her. It's him. He's the one who is allowing her invasion into your lives to continue.
Tell him to get some balls and take back control of his life.
totally agree

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 6:04:28 AM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		He needs to log all this and tell the court guardian that he's been denied visitation and that she's presently incapable of caring for them, and apply for custody himself. Or simply go out there, pack the kids up and take them to his place for a visit. Telling her that when she can prove she is stable enough to care for them, he'll consider letting them go back.

But her mental state is not sufficiently stable to warrant her having custody. This can be proved and should be. Assuming he's willing to step up to the plate and be their fulltime father.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 6:41:43 AM   
DarkSteven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He needs to log all this and tell the court guardian that he's been denied visitation and that she's presently incapable of caring for them, and apply for custody himself. Or simply go out there, pack the kids up and take them to his place for a visit. Telling her that when she can prove she is stable enough to care for them, he'll consider letting them go back.

But her mental state is not sufficiently stable to warrant her having custody. This can be proved and should be. Assuming he's willing to step up to the plate and be their fulltime father.


I agree with the rest of your post, but this will get him hauled into court and could easily get him in very serious trouble.


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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 6:53:20 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like he is allowing this to happen -- YOU seem like you are making decisions FOR him and you are pissed off because you don't agree with his decisions because its hindering YOUR time with him. Now, i can understand getting pissy but you knew he had an ex-wife and kids when you got together with him. What did you seriously believe they wouldn't infringe on your life with him? Now he agrees somehow she is sick, he is dealing with it the only way he knows how. You have two choices, SUPPORT him in HIS decision or break up with him until such time he can choose between her and you or walk away for good.

I can tell you one thing -- he doesn't need your whining if you do to him or getting all pissy and sulky, he is already dealing with that with her. Have you TALKED to him, i mean a serious non pissy non its all about you, non you are feeling like he loves her more crap? Have you done anything to make things easier on him when you two are together?

Look i am not saying its easy or right, but i can tell you this -- if you start making him choose between his exwife and his kids and you, you will lose. So you need to figure out how to talk to him and get him to set some boundries so he can have a life with you WITHOUT BEING WORN OUT trying to go back and forth between you two.

Take HER out of it, quit blaming her -- deal with YOUR relationship and NOT his with her.

angel

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 6:57:19 AM   
thishereboi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

He's worried that the kids will suffer (or she'll tell him he can't see them again) if he doesn't help her through this.  He's trying not to rock the boat.

I understand that to a degree, but enough is enough.  This has been going on ALL WEEK (after she'd barely spoken a word to him over the past 6 months).

He's scared she'll try to get more money out of him and make him go back to court to change divorce papers and then he'll have to hire people to represent him and all that stuff.

Basically, he's scared of her. 

I think she should be able to handle this on her own. She needs to medicate herself, take care of her children, and get her shit together without making him stay there to listen to her talk for hours on end.  Isn't that what any normal human would do?



Actually most normal humans will do and keep doing what works for them. Obviously this is working for her because according to you every time she wiggles her finger he comes running. As someone else pointed out, it is up to HIM to stop her. Until he does, as much as it sucks, you are going to have to find a way to deal with that. At least if you want to stay with him that is.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 7:04:59 AM   
thishereboi


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Joined: 6/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He needs to log all this and tell the court guardian that he's been denied visitation and that she's presently incapable of caring for them, and apply for custody himself. Or simply go out there, pack the kids up and take them to his place for a visit. Telling her that when she can prove she is stable enough to care for them, he'll consider letting them go back.

But her mental state is not sufficiently stable to warrant her having custody. This can be proved and should be. Assuming he's willing to step up to the plate and be their fulltime father.


I am not sure how not letting him see the kids equates with her being uncapable of caring for them. According to the OP she is letting him see the kids now, so I am not sure what the court would do at this point. Packing up the kids and taking them without permission is kidnapping and could get him in a lot of trouble.

Her mental state is not sufficiently stable to warrant custody? Wow how do you know that? How are you going to prove it?

We seemed to have jumped from a women who calls on her ex too much, to a women who should have her kids taken away?

Thank god Judges require more proof than this to convict someone.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 7:29:53 AM   
CatdeMedici


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quote:

She is the mother of his children, and like it or not, he must make sure she is okay, so he can make sure his kids are okay.


Making sure his kids are ok is one thing, enabling is a whole different ballgame. If she is so out of the loop, he needs to take the kids for awhile until the ex gets her act straight. Kids come first, ex's don't, IMHO.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 7:34:10 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The problem isn't her. It's him. He's the one who is allowing her invasion into your lives to continue.
Tell him to get some balls and take back control of his life.


Yep. He is the problem, not her. He is allowing her to dominate him.

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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 7:59:04 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry but I am another who feels that the issue is more about him and the choices he is making.  He is choosing to answer her calls when he is with you and to have long conversations, he is choosing to run each time she calls.  If he is scared of her and this is unlikely to change then it is you that may need to decide if this is a situation you can be happy with.

This is a quote from your journal written on the 15th June 09.... it sounds like there is more than just the issue with his ex-wife to think about.

When am I finally just going to let him go, and move on?  When am I just going to remove myself from this relationship? How come it's so hard for me?


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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 8:27:20 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: VelvetCruelty

She is the mother of his children, and like it or not, he must make sure she is okay, so he can make sure his kids are okay.



Then he needs to talk to her DOCTOR. I'm betting good money that she is making this up, and only by talking to the doctor will he know what is and isn't necessary. If she's that bad off, she should be admitted while she's on the medication.

JMNSHO

CF

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