RE: asking for a collar back

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: asking for a collar back

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: asking for a collar back

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 5:29:00 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
But then you knew this didn't you?

It doesn't help knowing it all. It makes 'em scared...
Seriously no I don't know it from the dominant side... I only know it from the slave's side and even though I released myself it takes some time (if ever) to come out of the mindset.
There are very often differences of culture in repsonses here also and it helps to get some cultural clarity.
We are a very small island as the UK and I don't think we have been invaded since 1066. My experience as someone who has lived and worked abroad is that it tends to be very paraochial and very often judgmental here (even, yes even in ythe world of bdsm).

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 21

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 6:06:36 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

You were very upset by that rude and rather sudden abandonment. Is it possible you are only trying to fill a void? I certainly mean no ill will, but it seems awfully soon be be healed up, back on the horse, and making such a decision.

................... I know the familiar is comfortable when you are cold and alone, but perhaps just search your soul and see if there is any reason to thing this time will be so different.

lovingpet

Thank you for tracking what I am up to.
You are absolutely right.
I do look and listen and genuinely respect the opinions of those who give in-put here.
I know also that it is my underlying pattern to get upset if I am dropped and generally feel I get my power back if I release myself and just walk away when the going gets tough.
If I saw that written by any other s type i would think wooooow hold on a moment... doesn't seem very s type whatsoever. In fact seen in the cold light of day i can see how I am kicking and screaming and holding onto my own power rightly ,and increasingly so and idgging my heels in to get my own way.
Now i want him back?
No the circumstances have not changed nor will they do so for some forseeable future.
I accepted the collar aware of time constraints, om the basis of not having emotional return and if I were to contemplate or even think of asking for a re-nefotiation there could be none.
It's just that there was such amzing chemistry on a physical level.
Thank you lovingpet.

If I read the other thread correctly, you are likely still hurting and swirling from this last relationship's end. You are in an emotional place and feeling a bit out of control. Grasping at someone with whom to be in a relationship is one of the few strings to which you can cling.

The only problem is, at this time, you really have nothing to offer. Okay, I know that sounds mean. But let's think about this logically for a minute. How can you give control that you don't have? It isn't necessarily your fault you don't have it to give, but it is nonetheless true. I know you have a lot to offer as a person and I don't mean to undermine you in that way, but control just isn't one of them right now. You have been hit on every side. I can only imagine the chaos you are feeling and living every day.

Take some time to get a handle on things first. I know a lot of things will not calm down, work and family responsibilities being among them, but the relationship stuff and the psychological trip I know from my own experience you are on due to the death of your ex husband will subside in time. You will have more clarity and some actual control to give someone. Right now you are spent and empty. Be good to yourself and be filled once again. Then you can offer it to another.

lovingpet

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 22

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 6:53:33 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I know from my own experience you are on due to the death of your ex husband will subside in time.

lovingpet

Actually i don't think so.
I hurt for my children because they had to have him as a father.
Absent, abusive, narcissistic and dangerous.
He's been dead for me a long time.
As for control? That doesn't turn me on. I'm an s type.
Self-control? Outside of bdsm... rock solid.
But thank you for saying what you did.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 23

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 7:11:44 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I know from my own experience you are on due to the death of your ex husband will subside in time.

lovingpet

Actually i don't think so.
I hurt for my children because they had to have him as a father.
Absent, abusive, narcissistic and dangerous.
He's been dead for me a long time.
As for control? That doesn't turn me on. I'm an s type.
Self-control? Outside of bdsm... rock solid.
But thank you for saying what you did.

I do. I know the mix of emotions (the hurt of your children vs the relief for yourself) associated with the death of an abusive spouse. I've lived it and watched play out in the lives of others.

I know control is not something you desire. I probably did not express myself clearly and doubt I can now. I hate it when words do not come easily or the way I would like them to.

I just know it is hard to be alone sometimes.

Hugs,
lovingpet

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 24

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 7:32:52 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I just know it is hard to be alone sometimes.

Hugs,
lovingpet

But on the other hand it's great this freedom.
There's more doms out there than a girl could shake a stick at and getting to grips with choices is an emotional luxury.
It's not hard being alone.
It was hard when I realised that when I wore his collar that it did not mean anywhere near the smae for him as fo rme.
AND for those skeptics who think I rush into situations it took me five years to say yes. The longest decision making process and the most cautious time I have ever actaully spent saying yes to being someone's peoperty and still the collar turned out to be just a piece of leather i wore round my neck, on occasion, for him... for release, to put him into another mindset, for play....
ok I get it.
I'm not trying to re-negotiate the terms of the collar.. i'm just trying to get him to think differently about what it means to him. There said it.
But that ain't going to happen.
Really apologise if i sounded snarky.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 25

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 7:42:54 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Don't worry. I can handle a little snark, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that snark level can greatly increase the likelihood of my evil switch side surfacing! LOL

For some people a wedding band is just a piece of metal too. I don't know how much one can really change the views others have of things like commitment. I wish you the best always. If there is one thing I have thought for some time now, it is that I really would like to see you finally at peace and cared for in a deeply commited relationship. You have had your share of battles. I wish you could finally just drop your sword and rest. I wish for you a partner with who it is finally safe to do so.

lovingpet

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 26

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 9:54:25 AM

maia09

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Excuse me if this seems a stupid question. This is the first time I think if memory serves me well that I have asked a question iin Ask a Master forum. I am usually in General bdsm discussion.My question(s):
Habing released oneself, and it being accepted, is it possible for a slave to asl for a collar back?
How would this be considered?
What is the general code of conduct?
Thank you so much.
Prin

i'm not a Master so excuse me if i've overstepped here. But i've experienced what you're experiencing now. i did ask for His collar back (actually i never took it off but i did leave). Before i did ask, though i had to look at things realistically, recognize that He wants what He wants and would that make me happy as well. i decided yes. i also looked at my own past behaviors and attitudes and recognized where i'd been a jerk too. i think what's most important is to know why you left and why you want to return. Will it be different this time and why? Alot of communication is important too - for both of you to talk openly and honestly about what happened, how it led to your leaving and how it could work well now.

There is no general code of conduct. WTF is that anyway? It seems that it could be possible that one of the problems you may have encountered is your believing there's a "general code of conduct" about anything. i know for me, as long as i had my own ideas of what Master/slave was all about, it was impossible for me to truly surrender myself to Him. Hope this is helpful. Best wishes.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 27

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 11:06:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you haven't worked out the problems causing you to separate the first time, why would you expect those problems to have magically disappeared? They haven't and you're going to be just as unsatisfied this time around.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 28

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 12:22:34 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Aye, I totally agree Lass

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 29

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 2:06:27 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you haven't worked out the problems causing you to separate the first time, why would you expect those problems to have magically disappeared? They haven't and you're going to be just as unsatisfied this time around.

I do actually agree.
It's slow, working it out.
And a good thing. As I certainly won't approach the subject of the collar whilst there are issues unresolved and uncommunicated.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 6:07:33 PM

FawneTwo

Posts: 98
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
Incompatibility at the emotional level (despite being purely perfect at the physical).
[/font][/size]

Incompatability at the emotional level <shaking head> I so want to ask if there were barriers to communication that you each could overcome.
Everyone has some baggage.

Incompatability at the emotional level just ouch and I'm sorry because that's hard to grasp if other things were in place

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 31

RE: asking for a collar back - 6/30/2009 9:47:00 PM

justme1980

Posts: 169
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Excuse me if this seems a stupid question. This is the first time I think if memory serves me well that I have asked a question iin Ask a Master forum. I am usually in General bdsm discussion.My question(s):
Habing released oneself, and it being accepted, is it possible for a slave to asl for a collar back?
How would this be considered?
What is the general code of conduct?
Thank you so much.
Prin

I do not see why the Master would want to keep it. No sub is going to want to wear another subs collar

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 32

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/1/2009 12:16:03 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justme1980

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Excuse me if this seems a stupid question. This is the first time I think if memory serves me well that I have asked a question iin Ask a Master forum. I am usually in General bdsm discussion.My question(s):
Habing released oneself, and it being accepted, is it possible for a slave to asl for a collar back?
How would this be considered?
What is the general code of conduct?
Thank you so much.
Prin

I do not see why the Master would want to keep it. No sub is going to want to wear another subs collar

No No. It was a hand made collar, beautiful, made especially for me and given to me.
I asked for release from it and my release was accepted.
I still have the physical collar.. forever.
That's not the point.
It's about how I ask to become his slave again.
It's not happening anyway.. as the days ae passing... yhinking about it, I will keep his friendship and need to move on.
I ar a phase of comparing others to him. That's not fair either. But the temptation, even to text or to ask to call, is fading rapidly. Memories, and what he taught me will remain and if I can recall without a sense of loss I will have been successful

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to justme1980)

Post #: 33

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/1/2009 1:34:02 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

First, a master will want to know what you have learned about yourself from the experience.
Then, they will want to know how your newfound awareness has changed your behavior.
Next, they will want to know how that process will transform your interaction with them.

A BDSM "slave" can never give up or lose their power, just as one can never give or lose the love which always exists in the heart. One can choose not to assert control over their authority to exercise their power. The distinction is between power, authority, control, and choice. The consensual BDSM "slave" continuously chooses to surrender their authority to assert control.

Are you ready to own your personal power to 100% always take responsibility for your choice to surrender?

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 34

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/1/2009 3:36:35 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

First, a master will want to know what you have learned about yourself from the experience.
Then, they will want to know how your newfound awareness has changed your behavior.
Next, they will want to know how that process will transform your interaction with them.

A BDSM "slave" can never give up or lose their power, just as one can never give or lose the love which always exists in the heart. One can choose not to assert control over their authority to exercise their power. The distinction is between power, authority, control, and choice. The consensual BDSM "slave" continuously chooses to surrender their authority to assert control.

Are you ready to own your personal power to 100% always take responsibility for your choice to surrender?

I have read your answer more than once.
I get certain points but this part: ~surrender authority to assert control~. It's brilliantly phrased and is not something I have truly internalised and therefore understood.
I do understand how saddened, how disbelieving he was and how he feels so upset by my abilities to go 'back' to friendship.
I'm having difficulties in letting go of what we had, which must mean that I am having difficulties surrendering my authority? Yes, well if that's it, then that is what I am having difficulties doing. It's a kind of leap from my assertiveness in the world and my abilities to surrender that assertiveness in M/s relationship.
Now i feel like I am going to have to be assertive even to get back into comminication and that he doesn't know quite how to save face.
I'll think this one through some more and thank you as it will impinge upon whatever relationship choices I make next.
It never seems to get simple: just more complex.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 35

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/2/2009 8:10:42 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

> It never seems to get simple: just more complex.

The intellect bifurcates the chaotic process, while the heart acts as the strange attractor (see, scientific chaos theory).
The more you understand yourself, your heart, your soul, the simpler it gets.
Remember, love arises in the only place it is ever felt -- your very own heart. It is neither given nor taken, but shared.
It usually reduces to the most basic question -- do you choose to feel happy and fulfilled, or not?

Releasing your attachment to a relationship involves inner surrender and acceptance, which is exclusively within your control and authority to choose that release.

Surrender is a bit of a paradox. External surrender reflects internal control. The power, confidence, strength and control to affirmatively make the choice to surrender. It is about getting out of the way and allowing the ego to become transparent, while still existing. I invite you to meditate on the transparent ego, with a still mind. That is when things become simple.

One recognizes the deepest truth, because it has always been within one's self.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 36

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/2/2009 10:26:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If all you want is the physical, then don't ask for the collar. Just ask him for a fwb situation. Where neither of you owes the other anything but what is negotiated. Negotiate for the physical experience, you will both get what you want from that - hot, and emotionally empty experience. There's nothing wrong with just having a physical experience as long as you are both aware of what the rules are and neither one is interested in using the other.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 37

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/2/2009 3:51:56 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I agree - don't put yourself into a position where you could be hurt by emotional absence. A friendship with hot sex would be easier to deal with, since all the heavy emotions wouldn't need to come into play. That way you get a bit of what you want , and he gets what he wants - a relationship without emotional attachments.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 38

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/2/2009 11:31:25 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

Surrender is a bit of a paradox. External surrender reflects internal control. The power, confidence, strength and control to affirmatively make the choice to surrender. It is about getting out of the way and allowing the ego to become transparent, while still existing. I invite you to meditate on the transparent ego, with a still mind. That is when things become simple.

One recognizes the deepest truth, because it has always been within one's self.

I have still mind to the point of no mind. Ir's my sanctuary and I got as far as the paradox in your reasoning of course and thank you.
On the edge of a heat wave with air pressure so dipping right now it's about to hit torrential rain. Extreme for these parts. Good for poetry but not for reasonable prose responses.
I need more coffee and an hours sleep before I consider the paradox.

It turns me right round baby right round when I go down when I go down down....

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 7/2/2009 11:32:46 PM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 39

RE: asking for a collar back - 7/2/2009 11:56:08 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If all you want is the physical, then don't ask for the collar. Just ask him for a fwb situation. Where neither of you owes the other anything but what is negotiated. Negotiate for the physical experience, you will both get what you want from that - hot, and emotionally empty experience. There's nothing wrong with just having a physical experience as long as you are both aware of what the rules are and neither one is interested in using the other.

Ahh but you say:
and neither one is interested in using the other..
I understand the principle behind what you are saying.
However I like being physically 'used'. But it only works for me if that use is within the context of something else like shared interests, intellectual and/or creative compatibility.
This was just pure perfect physical use and i fell in love. Not him, me. I was demanding or expecting love to be exchanged. I begin to be aware that much of what is thought to be 'exchange' is often two parallel universes. I not ashamed of feeling love. I'm not ashamed of expressing and communicating that. That is and was and always will remain my freedom.
But i met a wall: a wall of silence, non communication, which is now proving to be there despite protestations of being friends.
So: thus far I have not asked for that collar back because I have that collar in my drawer here. I'm nor asking for the intention of that collar back as there doe not appear to be any intention behind the collar other than it stays with me here nestled in my drawer.
I'm beginning to be aware that I can get that pure physical perfection with actual friendship and parity of communication with someone else. Surely?
There's more doms out there than a girl can shake a stick at.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: asking for a collar back

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094