Dress for success

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nevergrowdup -> Dress for success (6/29/2009 4:57:54 PM)
This is, in a way, a twist on the "looks and weight" thread in the "ask a master" forum. I'd like to think that I'm pretty opened minded about appearances. I would rather chat with someone first ... get to know them on the inside before seeing a picture. Not to say that I don't have some standards. But I put a lot of emphasis on character and less on weight, hairline, etc. So over the weekend I was chatting with a really great guy. In a way this was sort of a "Green Acres" experience. He was a rural guy, and me, liking to be near a city. And because we are so far away and both tied to our lives, it would never work. But surprisingly we got along. After a full day of chatting he showed me a picture of himself. There were parts of him that I found appealing ... but the thing that really bothered me was that he seemed to care less about his appearance. For one, there was the beard. I actually prefer a man with a beard, but it should be trimmed. If a guy looks like Grizzly Adams or a guy from ZZ Top, it turns into a negative. The other sticking point ... his clothes. He was wearing a t-shirt, torn shorts, and a baseball cap. Now, this is a big guy ... and his choice of clothes just accentuated his gut. I've seen pictures of heavier guys, and know that if they wear certain kinds of clothes (e.g., button down shirts) the belly doesn't become the focal point. The shorts were the worst. They were so torn that I could see his underwear ... a lot. I delicately talked to him about the picture, how it wasn't very flattering ... that if he was trying to get laid he might want to put his best foot forward. His reaction: (1) He was dressed like every other guy who lives around his area and (2) If I had a problem with his appearance than I was being shallow. (For what it's worth, he bathes regularly so there shouldn't be a hygiene issue.) I pride myself on being open minded. But I do have an issue with a guy who doesn't care enough to present himself in a favorable light. So, ladies, am I off here? And guys ... would you be attractive to a woman who seemed to be clueless about appearance?

MeaganBlake -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 5:22:57 PM)
Your post reminds me of a recent post about backgrounds in profile pics. It was very amusing, especially the boys who want to be "domestic servants" but can't keep their own place clean. (Or at least can't clean up a spot big enough for the picture to be taken, lol.) Here is a link: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2592808/tm.htm To answer your question, I would not be attracted to a slovenly sub. I like clean-shaven boys, and I would expect them to know how to dress themselves.

VampiresLair -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 5:26:28 PM)
I am not shallow. I do however believe that if you are going to be showing yourself to someone else you should put some effort into it. If you cant be bothered to look good in a first photo then I tend to hold out little hope you will put any more effort into anything else later on. DV

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 5:37:58 PM)
i'm not super picky about people knowing how to dress to flatter their body type, as I am not one who gives one fig about fashion, nor do I know what would look best for a larger woman vs what w*ouldn't, but if he looked like a homless bum in the first picture he or she ever showed me it'd be a turn off. And it's not being shallow, "You're being shallow" is a common responce to just about anything now a days. it's the catchall catch frase.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 5:40:49 PM)
I would not accept a slovenly partner, and I certainly would not show a picture of me dressed for painting the house or mucking out the stable to someone I was trying to impress! I am big on "being myself", but my TIDY self!

Screwtape -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:01:40 PM)
I always put a bit of effort into into my appearance. Not that I really care about the way I look but my appearance tends to project farther than my voice. Now I have a LOT of really bad photos. If someone tried to take a snapshot of me wearing a ".. t-shirt, torn shorts, and a baseball cap" I sure wouldn't sent it to anyone for more than a laugh.

Level -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:05:48 PM)
Appearances matter. Have a basic idea of what looks good. Remember "Mimi", from the Drew Carey show? That's painful.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:09:31 PM)
This thread made me smile, because I just put a photo on my profile after over two years without one. The clothes I am wearing are mudcaked "painting pants" and my hair is a sweat-drenched mop. The full-face pics of me, taken at the same time, show me at my most doofistic. (I was pretty tired by that point.) Still, the real subject of the photo is Mama Nature, not me, so I think I'm getting away with it. Ultimately, a profile photo communicates something about who you are. If you dress "just like everybody else," well, you are acting just like everybody else. What makes you special? What makes you worth noticing? What makes you sexy?

lovingpet -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:10:22 PM)
Appearance isn't the issue here. Effort is. It sounds like the man has better, but chose not to put the effort of putting it on and taking a picture in it. Instead, this is probably some family photo from a backyard bbq that was conveniently on his computer. Come on! At least make an effort for someone you think you have a chance at a good relationship with. Is that too much to ask? lovingpet

oceanwinds -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:15:36 PM)
I could care less how a person dresses, even when first meeting them. Cut off and a t-shirt is fine with a cap. Only thing that would bother me is weight on them, if I am looking for a sexual partner. It has nothing to do about being shallow. Beer bellys and extra weight are a turn off physically for me only in the area of sex. If it is just to be platonic friends, then I am not concern about their dress code or their weight.

Missokyst -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 6:17:14 PM)
I am a short round woman, but otherwise neat and clean. I dress decently, as if I expect to be in a customer service environment. I am attracted to men who are of a similar mindset. That is not to say I always expect it, I did not mind frolicking with my mate when he was hot and sweaty. But if he was messy when we met I would have put him in a no chance catagory. Periodically a man who is somewhat local to me drops me an email that says "hi" and nothing else. Normally I respond to all email but his picture stops me every time. He is large, I have no problem with that at all. But his beard is well beyond grizzly adams. I can see it is matted, I know it is gray, it is very uneven and unkempt. To date this is the only man to whom I have never responded in email. It is his pic that stops me. He may just want to be friendly but.. the thought I might project my feeling about how he looks to me keeps me from finding out more. Yes it is shallow and cowardly. But I don't think that should matter. I am not insulted when men tell me I am not their type. Kyst Kyst

lizi -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 7:03:24 PM)
It's a turnoff if someone cannot put a little effort into presenting themselves positively to me. Suits are not necessary but surely there is a neat, clean shirt and pants/shorts around the house somewhere. I don't care about the style but clean and holeless is necessary. I went on a date with someone once who had on a shirt with a hole in it. Yes, I noticed it and yes...even if it means I'm shallow it bothered me that he had on a shirt with a hole in it for a first date. Geez, come on. Someone's appearance matters in other ways as well. As a sub...how will this person who can't be bothered by 'trivial' things like wearing decent clothing or running a comb through their hair treat me? Especially in BDSM you need to look at the whole picture to help determine what things will be like with that person even if it's just for a session. I'm going to trust someone with my body and mind who can't make the small effort to put on clothes without holes in them?

nevergrowdup -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 7:03:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MeaganBlake Your post reminds me of a recent post about backgrounds in profile pics. It was very amusing, especially the boys who want to be "domestic servants" but can't keep their own place clean. (Or at least can't clean up a spot big enough for the picture to be taken, lol.) Here is a link: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2592808/tm.htm Yes, I saw that. (giggles) quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom And it's not being shallow, "You're being shallow" is a common responce to just about anything now a days. it's the catchall catch frase. Great point. Especially good with someone like myself (with a Catholic background) who is trying to be fair ... yet suffers from guilt. I fell for it again. quote: ORIGINAL: Screwtape Now I have a LOT of really bad photos. If someone tried to take a snapshot of me wearing a ".. t-shirt, torn shorts, and a baseball cap" I sure wouldn't sent it to anyone for more than a laugh. Yes, exactly! I was tempted to send him one of my frumpier pictures to see what he thought. It seems like a double standard. He was originally interested in my because he liked my picture. But had it been other picture, I'm sure he would have reacted differently. quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Ultimately, a profile photo communicates something about who you are. If you dress "just like everybody else," well, you are acting just like everybody else. What makes you special? What makes you worth noticing? What makes you sexy? There must be a way to show your uniqueness without screaming "I'm a gold old boy!" quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet Instead, this is probably some family photo from a backyard bbq that was conveniently on his computer. Come on! At least make an effort for someone you think you have a chance at a good relationship with. Is that too much to ask? Exactly. It's in his best interest. He's not a bad looking guy. He's bright and funny. A well taken picture could only help. (FYI, he did show me pictures of his dogs first. They were adorable!) quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds I could care less how a person dresses, even when first meeting them. Cut off and a t-shirt is fine with a cap. Only thing that would bother me is weight on them, if I am looking for a sexual partner. It has nothing to do about being shallow. Beer bellys and extra weight are a turn off physically for me only in the area of sex. If it is just to be platonic friends, then I am not concern about their dress code or their weight. Oh, I was just starting to feel guilty for being judgmental, but then you came back with some conditions of your own. Maybe I'm not so bad. quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Periodically a man who is somewhat local to me drops me an email that says "hi" and nothing else. Normally I respond to all email but his picture stops me every time. He is large, I have no problem with that at all. But his beard is well beyond grizzly adams. I can see it is matted, I know it is gray, it is very uneven and unkempt. To date this is the only man to whom I have never responded in email. It is his pic that stops me. He may just want to be friendly but.. the thought I might project my feeling about how he looks to me keeps me from finding out more. Yes it is shallow and cowardly. But I don't think that should matter. I am not insulted when men tell me I am not their type. Yes ... exactly. Although I've heard it say that some men with beards are hiding some sort of a facial flaw. I met a guy once who was pretty nice but had this odd sort of dimpled chin. It looked like some sort of defect. If I were him, I would have considered a beard. But in the case you mentioned ... matted and unkempt ... it just screams "I'm lazy and I don't care." Thanks, all for the input. I guess what I'm hearing is that we are all picky in one way or another, and that I'm not so strange for being judgmental in this regards. I just wish he would take my advice and put some effort to his appearance. He's a nice guy and deserves some happiness.

nevergrowdup -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 7:06:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi Someone's appearance matters in other ways as well. As a sub...how will this person who can't be bothered by 'trivial' things like wearing decent clothing or running a comb through their hair treat me? Especially in BDSM you need to look at the whole picture to help determine what things will be like with that person even if it's just for a session. I'm going to trust someone with my body and mind who can't make the small effort to put on clothes without holes in them? Excellent point. I do have to respect a Dom. In this case he has a lot going for him (in terms of intelligence and personality) but it would be hard for me to respect someone who has this sort of attitude ... my way or the highway.

oceanwinds -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 7:09:55 PM)
quote: quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds I could care less how a person dresses, even when first meeting them. Cut off and a t-shirt is fine with a cap. Only thing that would bother me is weight on them, if I am looking for a sexual partner. It has nothing to do about being shallow. Beer bellys and extra weight are a turn off physically for me only in the area of sex. If it is just to be platonic friends, then I am not concern about their dress code or their weight. Oh, I was just starting to feel guilty for being judgmental, but then you came back with some conditions of your own. Maybe I'm not so bad. No you are not so bad. It is just a preferrance on what turns me on. It is how I am. Feeling someones bones is a turn to me. That is not good or bad, just is

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 7:48:51 PM)
My x was really bony, and skinny too he was also not very tall being 5 foot but he always looked under nourished and to some extent being so skinny and so un masculine made people question was he a legal age to be in the bdsm clubs when we went. We actually got a dungeon mod, saying a party guest was concerned he wasn't old enough to be here could we come with them and proove our ages. quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds No you are not so bad. It is just a preferrance on what turns me on. It is how I am. Feeling someones bones is a turn to me. That is not good or bad, just is

ExKat -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 8:37:06 PM)
Judging someone on their photo isn't being judgmental at all. It's just another piece of the puzzle that shows you who a person is. Deciding someone isn't a good person based on how they look is probably a little shallow, but deciding someone is a slob or unattractive to you personally seems totally within bounds. However, the sticking point for me is that the first photo you see is usually the BEST photo that person has. So seeing something so scuzzy tells you that your friend dresses WORSE than that most days. That's why I always wonder when I see a really terrible photo on a profile or from someone...this is the first time the person checking you out gets to see you, wouldn't you put just a bit of effort into it?

greenearth21 -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 8:43:14 PM)
He may not have seemingly put the effort to you, but i'm sure there is someone who would find his slovenly ways...appealing, cute or whatever. Just means that he is not up to par...yours. Nothing wrong with that. I find pictures taken in a natural setting (not dressing up or posing etc etc) more appealing.

IrishMist -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 8:48:42 PM)
Clothes do make a difference; though I tend to go the opposite direction from most. I would turn away a man in a suit, or 'dressed up' in any way. Give me jeans, tshirts, baseball/cowboy hats, and boots and I am a happy camper. What's more...throw in a harley, and some leather and I am sold. [8D]

nevergrowdup -> RE: Dress for success (6/29/2009 8:57:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExKat Judging someone on their photo isn't being judgmental at all. It's just another piece of the puzzle that shows you who a person is. Deciding someone isn't a good person based on how they look is probably a little shallow, but deciding someone is a slob or unattractive to you personally seems totally within bounds. However, the sticking point for me is that the first photo you see is usually the BEST photo that person has. So seeing something so scuzzy tells you that your friend dresses WORSE than that most days. That's why I always wonder when I see a really terrible photo on a profile or from someone...this is the first time the person checking you out gets to see you, wouldn't you put just a bit of effort into it? He showed me two other photos, and they were progressively better. In the third one he was in a button down shirt and had the ball cap off. He looked pretty good. I recommended that was the one he should show the babes first and he said, "I usually do." I guess I'm special.

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