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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 11:18:24 PM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		ROFLMAO. Aww Greedy, cmere ya dag for a hug >:D<.

Sorry OP, I've got the feeling he's either got scared or got what he wanted. Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and you will realise that no guy suddenly stops contact with a woman unless he just isn't interested. A guy will move heaven and hell if he has to, this guy hasn't.

As disappointing and hurtful as this is, you lost nothing, gained some insight, and had fun. Easier said than done, but if he suddenly pops up again in the future, don't automatically trust him or his story of what happened. He might be back for a little more of the same, without the committment.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 1:10:00 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Given he's new, that he had an upset tummy and so play eased back ... I don't think he played you. If he was a do me boy he'd be eeking every bit of play out of you that he could!

I'm leaning towards the "oh shit it really really happened" reason Myself, having seen it a few times. First experiences can be very overwhelming, and this wasn't a one-hour initial play scene, it was a whole weekend! Possibly a bit much for a first time, though I can see how circumstances led to that being practical. Unfortunately boys have a bad habit of heading off into their caves to process things alone whereas girls want to network and discuss it to process it. Like sea said, it can be hard when he comes out of his cave and realises he has been incommunicado and that you might be pissed off about this, as then the fear of your retribution can absolutely paralyse him so he runs rather than communicating. So I do think that an email with a subject heading that says something like "hoping you are feeling ok, please let me know when you can" leaves the way open. Don't just rely on putting it in the body of the email, he might be too scared to open it!

While I have some sympathies with Panda's stand in that he SHOULD have picked up the phone etc, for this one time (and given his past good record) I would be willing to forgive. However, once communications are re-established, then it must be made clear that this forgiveness won't be extended a second time, and that in future he would be expected to overcome hell and high water to meet his obligations to be in touch!

Good luck OP, I hope it works out.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 5:11:49 AM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline 		First, I want to thank everyone for their insights, suggestions, etc., as well as the welcome. I really appreciate it.  It was hard to know where to go for advice on this given the circumstances.  I have been reading the boards for a while, and knew that you all would be able to give me some good advice.
 
I do realize that I was perhaps a bit vague in some of the information that I gave you in the initial post.  I didn't think it was appropriate to post a play by play.  But I wanted to provide a bit more information that may be relevant in response to some of the suggestions.
 
This was not his first time, nor mine.  He had been in a relationship which ended about a year ago, and lasted for 6 months.  His not feeling well, although I, too, think it may have been nerves, was genuine.  But as someone said, it may have turned into something more - that I don't know.  The time we spent together on Sunday afternoon was much more vanilla, but emotionally intimate in its own way, almost bf/gf, if you will.
 
He has not been online since before the weekend.  I have his regular email address as well as here, and he has not been on either place, which makes me think *something* is going on.  Of course, that something could be that he doesn't want to communicate with me.  Or, as someone else pointed out, my "style" may not be what he is looking for. 
 
So, I am taking the advice of most and I will give him a call probably tomorrow night, if I still haven't heard from him. (Panda, I agree with you too, but this lack of communication is very out of character from what I know of him, so I am still giving the benefit of the doubt).
 
Thanks all~
LD
 

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 8:08:34 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am not terribly sympathetic about this kind of thing... a person can always email, right? 

But, did you have fun?  Then you did not waste your time.  If it turns out that my Spidey Sense is right, then write him off and move on. 

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(in reply to penitentialarts)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 9:54:46 AM   
LadyLou


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme

Hi LadyLou:
I did try calling last night, and got his voicemail.  I didn't leave a message, although he has my number programmed, so he would have seen that I called.  He did not return the call.
Is it possible that the whole weekend was too overwhelming and he is processing everything?  Trying to get a handle on his feelings?  I am not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to figure it out.
Thanks,
LD




Hi LD,


Yeah, it is perfectly possible. But, seeing as it is out of character for him to not have some daily contact with you, I feel you're right that it does not excuse him. Unless something serious has happened, there is no polite excuse for him to stop all communication. I may be wrong, but I don't feel that someone who is 'playing' you would have the patience to communicate considerably on a daily basis, for months. Whatever the reason, don't feel bad about the investment you put into it, he has put similar investment in, so what was developing was not one sided :) My heart goes out to you LD.


Give him a day or two, and drop a friendly mail, or call from a number he won't recognise, maybe a friends mobile? So he won't recognise the area code. When you do speak to him, be friendly and let him know you were concerned about him, then take it from there. Unfortunately, if he does answer a number he doesn't recognise, I think that may be an answer in itself.


If he is being jerk, then try and take the most positive thing you can from it, and be thankful that you found out now. If he floats back in a few days/weeks/months etc, you will need to ask yourself if you wish to continue investing time and energy into someone who doesn't feel it important to follow your orders, or have the courtesy to let you know he is ok, but just wants some time out.


The best thing you can do for yourself imo, is get an answer one way or the other. I'm really feeling for you right now, I hope you get your answer soon LD. Take care.



(in reply to TheLadyIsADomme)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 10:27:43 AM   
Ambyant


Posts: 194
Joined: 4/22/2008
From: California Girl
Status: offline 		"I left yesterday afternoon feeling confident that our first "time" together had been a good beginning for a relationship. "

Lady, That is what counts, no matter how the rest settles.
It looks to Me that you were giving 100 % in sincerity, looks like you did enjoy the time spent on him. 
It is how you feel about yourself that ultimately makes the difference.
Always the best Diva~Zya




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Diva Zya had to start all over again
damn password changes!


(in reply to LadyLou)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 10:38:22 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When sick I cannot lift a phone to make a call to thank someone I appreciate coming to see me and for playing with me, especially if there has been an expectation of daily emails.  No, when distrubed emotionally I cannot let someone know that I am upset, afraid or unsettled about something.  No... that would make me an adult with some consideration for the people in my life and that would make me a functional adult.  No can do when all I think of is myself, what I want, what I don't want and no one else matters to me...

That makes me a shithead... but it is what it is and no one but a shithead, non functioning adult would do that.  There is no excuse other than death in my opinion.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 4:24:57 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		There have been a few times when I was so sick I slept pretty much the whole day, maybe getting out of bed once or twice to use the restroom, not even able to eat or drink anything. I'd certainly try not to leave someone hanging without a reply, in this kind of circumstance, though! Also, I rarely feel that dreadful for *two* days in a row, since this happened yesterday. By now, he certainly should have contacted her.

I can vouch for Panda calling even when he doesn't feel well.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 4:43:26 PM   
GeorgiaMaam


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLou

Give him a day or two, and drop a friendly mail, or call from a number he won't recognise, maybe a friends mobile? So he won't recognise the area code. When you do speak to him, be friendly and let him know you were concerned about him, then take it from there. Unfortunately, if he does answer a number he doesn't recognise, I think that may be an answer in itself.


Honestly, if I ever even considered resorting to tactics like this - then there wasn't anything to talk to the person about anymore.

(in reply to LadyLou)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 5:48:04 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLou

Give him a day or two, and drop a friendly mail, or call from a number he won't recognise, maybe a friends mobile? So he won't recognise the area code. When you do speak to him, be friendly and let him know you were concerned about him, then take it from there. Unfortunately, if he does answer a number he doesn't recognise, I think that may be an answer in itself.



I did consider that, but I decided that I want him to know it's me, and he can decide whether to take the call or not.  I don't want to get into a situation where he either tells me what I want to hear or otherwise awkward conversation because he didn't know it was me. 

(in reply to LadyLou)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What went wrong? - 7/7/2009 7:47:15 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I can vouch for Panda calling even when he doesn't feel well.


Oh, god, I forgot all about that. And I can vouch for your patience and understanding! Too bad I was too sick that week to give you any grounds for verifying that I'm good company. Next trip to the Bay area, I'm making an ironclad rule - no flu!


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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What went wrong? - 7/8/2009 5:02:34 AM   
LadyLou


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLou

Give him a day or two, and drop a friendly mail, or call from a number he won't recognise, maybe a friends mobile? So he won't recognise the area code. When you do speak to him, be friendly and let him know you were concerned about him, then take it from there. Unfortunately, if he does answer a number he doesn't recognise, I think that may be an answer in itself.


Honestly, if I ever even considered resorting to tactics like this - then there wasn't anything to talk to the person about anymore.




I completely agree with you GeorgiaMaam, in the sense you mean it. But, I suggested it because it's the not knowing that is an unpleasant place to be in – and there is a remote possibility that he may well be ill or have a 'genuine' reason for not contacting. The suggestion was purely so LD could achieve the peace of mind that eventually comes with knowing, one way or the other, and thus be able to move on. Because he is not giving her that (for whatever reason), I feel it appropriate for her to take steps to achieve that. Without an answer, there will always be a point of doubt when reflecting back, wondering 'what if he was ill', no matter how unlikely that may be. That's the angle I was coming from.


(in reply to GeorgiaMaam)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 3:41:10 AM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline 		UPDATE:
Well, I want to thank all of you for your suggestions, advice, and help.  It is greatly appreciated.  As many of you guessed, I *was* being blown off.  I still have not heard from him directly, but he was trolling CM last night, so I guess I have my answer.

But someone suggested that I evaluate whether he was worth making more of an effort for, and I do know this - if someone does not have the courtesy and respect for me as a person to give me even the "thanks, but no thanks" one-liner, that person shows more about their own character than any reflection of mine.

Still sucks though.

Thanks for listening.

Warmly,
LD

(in reply to LadyLou)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 6:11:44 AM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear that, LD.  It's happened to all of us in one form or another, so it's no reflection on you, and this sort of behaviour is one of the reasons why I'm so lukewarm about submissive men at the moment.  There are some notable exceptions, but my experience of the past few years has been that submissive men, as a group, have absolutely appalling manners.  I'd also be willing to bet my not inconsiderable collection of art books that he'll be back in touch at some point, begging for forgiveness, some lame excuse attached to his sorry arse.  Please, please don't fall for it.  Leopards don't change their stripes, and all that.

(in reply to TheLadyIsADomme)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 7:18:30 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I am sorry it turned out that way.  No, it isn't a reflection on you at all.  It's a reflection on him.  All things considered, you still had fun while it was happening and you learned from it.

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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 11:49:01 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I am too sorry... I was going to post... Hey you know when I guy is into you.. it would take a nucleur disaster from him getting in touch with you...so unfortunately.... he is just not into you....he got what he didnt have to pay for and is now onto his next prey.. some men are just assholes that way.. I k now from experience but on the plus side you got to expand your skill set and that is always a good thing..and you have a pleasant weekend.. try not to take it personally... for them is not personal.. Sincerely.Ms,B

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(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 5:49:21 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme
I had been communicating with a new sub for several months.  We had a number of vanilla meetings, online chats, phone calls, emails, etc., to the point where we had some form of communication daily. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
I can feel your pain, but My guess is he got for free what he would have had to pay a Pro for---I could be way off base---chalk it up, move on--but with tons of My hugs--men are shits sometimes.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn
I am too sorry... I was going to post... Hey you know when I guy is into you.. it would take a nucleur disaster from him getting in touch with you...so unfortunately.... he is just not into you....he got what he didnt have to pay for and is now onto his next prey.. some men are just assholes that way.. I k now from experience


Why does everything have to come down to money? A couple months of developing a relationship (as it was), communicating daily... that's a lot of freaking *work* to save a few bucks. A *predator*? Please. You don't spend a couple of months on "prey".

It didn't "work" for him, and he didn't have the nerve/courtesy/social skills to communicate that to you directly, which sucks but is a common human failing.

Guy's interpretation, sans shoulder chippage, *free* o' charge.

< Message edited by OneMoreWaste -- 7/9/2009 5:51:29 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 6:06:51 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline
quote:



It didn't "work" for him, and he didn't have the nerve/courtesy/social skills to communicate that to you directly, which sucks but is a common human failing.



I absolutely agree with you here. 
Warmly,
LD

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: What went wrong? - 7/9/2009 6:18:12 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		LD,

Bollocks to him.

Peon
X

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(in reply to TheLadyIsADomme)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2009 6:12:44 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Final Update:
Well, I did send him an email, and he sent a reply, which basically was that he did not enjoy any aspect of our "experience" together and that he is now re-evaluating whether he really wants to pursue a submissive relationship with anyone.  And he didn't tell me that at the time because I was enjoying myself and he didn't want to ruin it for me.
 
Time for a new thread, I think.  (smile)
 
Warmly,
LD

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 40
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