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RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 8:55:32 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory

quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory

Personally, I use chocolate pudding to establish my dominance.


Chocolate pudding or violence is not necessary to establish dominance - war paint is.



Chocolate pudding isn't necessary?  You haven't been to a munch lately, have you?



Oh god I SO needed that!  I am going to laugh about that all day.

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 8:56:34 AM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		Each girl is different.  He would need to make sure he gets a slave that doesn't need to be mastered via physical punishment.  Some slaves do need that.  Get one that doesn't.

~sgs

_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 8:57:21 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm curious as to why you didn't ask this in the Poly forum, with people who could be better at advising you.


Des, I am  curious why on earth you think she would get better advice there?  Her problem isn't whether he can handle a hareem but whether he can be a worthwhile dominant?



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 9:29:29 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Because I'm not sure that is the underlying question.
He's dominant to her, so why does she think he can't also be dominant to someone else?

And if she's trying to sabotage him from finding someone else which is what it looks like by telling him he isn't good enough, then she needs to find out why. And the poly forum will be more helpful for that. Because if you ask those of us who are mainly monogamous, our advice may be to not go poly. which would be fine if she weren't committed to finding someone else for herself while not letting him find someone.

Honestly, I don't think they're ready to do this. She's cutting him down, which says to me she's insecure and jealous, and his response to these emotions should he find a sub who likes him just the way he is, will not be to give up the sub but to end it with the op.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 11:02:49 AM   
SimplyMichael


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Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Because I'm not sure that is the underlying question.
He's dominant to her, so why does she think he can't also be dominant to someone else?

And if she's trying to sabotage him from finding someone else which is what it looks like by telling him he isn't good enough, then she needs to find out why. And the poly forum will be more helpful for that. Because if you ask those of us who are mainly monogamous, our advice may be to not go poly. which would be fine if she weren't committed to finding someone else for herself while not letting him find someone.

Honestly, I don't think they're ready to do this. She's cutting him down, which says to me she's insecure and jealous, and his response to these emotions should he find a sub who likes him just the way he is, will not be to give up the sub but to end it with the op.


WOW, you and I see that post in a very different light.  I am curious if she would be okay with him dominating someone but was only questioning whether he could be  a "master" or if it is actually about him having anyone else.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 2:58:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There isn't that much difference from master to dominant, it depends on the people and the individual relationship. But if he is capable of being dominant with a female, as he appears to be because she's submissive to him, or has been - then I keep coming back to why does she assume this is a fluke and he's incapable of being dominant to anyone else.

And being a cynic, the only why I see is her insecurites trying to sabotage the deal and inadvertently sabotaging the primary relationship. Better she talk to people who have a handle on this then come back in six months crying that the sneaky third took him away from her when in actuality she helped engineer such an ending without recognizing it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 3:21:12 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant, it depends on the people and the individual relationship. But if he is capable of being dominant with a female, as he appears to be because she's submissive to him, or has been - then I keep coming back to why does she assume this is a fluke and he's incapable of being dominant to anyone else.
I got that from the OP too.

I also wonder why she thinks that to be a good Master to the second submissive it requires physical violence.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 7:42:10 PM   
HuskerDu


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline 		I ALSO got that from the OP, in addition to her thinking that to be a Dom/me, one needs to use force.  It made me wonder how SHE would handle a sub under her.  It is an interesting dynamic they've got going on there, though.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant, it depends on the people and the individual relationship. But if he is capable of being dominant with a female, as he appears to be because she's submissive to him, or has been - then I keep coming back to why does she assume this is a fluke and he's incapable of being dominant to anyone else.

And being a cynic, the only why I see is her insecurites trying to sabotage the deal and inadvertently sabotaging the primary relationship. Better she talk to people who have a handle on this then come back in six months crying that the sneaky third took him away from her when in actuality she helped engineer such an ending without recognizing it.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/19/2009 9:07:23 PM   
annababy89


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/13/2009
Status: offline 		There seems to be some misunderstanding.....

my "Dom" doesnt dominate me 24/7,
he is a dominant person all the time, but we really only get into sub/dom stuff when its related to sex, we arent lifestylers.
that is why i asked my original question, as i am inexperienced and dont know alot about the lifestyle though we are both learning more about it as time goes on. i hope this clears some things up, becuase i feel like some of you are judging me unfairly and harshly and i dont appreciate this.

ty

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 2:19:11 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Based on everything I've read, I don't see anything that would not make him a good master. In regards to physical vs. mental stuff, The mental aspects are what counts for good D/s, not to mention great sex too.

It's okay to not have a lot of experience. Experience is rather varied, just like personalities and expectations. Every relationship is a learning, growing and shaping process for those involved.

Experience alone does not define nor make and break a relationship. It's the willingness and desire for the relationship which counts.

Again, i see nothing that would make him a bad him a bad master, regardless of experience. If he has a dominant personality and the slave submits.

Being good at a relationship and being good at kink... it's all back to the mindset. Attitude and mindset in my book is more impressive compared to experience if you ask me anyways.

Just some of my thoughts on the matter.

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 6:04:10 AM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant,



Why do you say this?

_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 7:27:24 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: annababy89

There seems to be some misunderstanding.....

my "Dom" doesnt dominate me 24/7,
he is a dominant person all the time, but we really only get into sub/dom stuff when its related to sex, we arent lifestylers.
that is why i asked my original question, as i am inexperienced and dont know alot about the lifestyle though we are both learning more about it as time goes on. i hope this clears some things up, becuase i feel like some of you are judging me unfairly and harshly and i dont appreciate this.

ty
Honestly, it clears nothing up. You asked a question. You got answers that included questions about why you came to that conclusion. Your responses to the posts on this this thread either go directly against your OP or in this case, have nothing to with your OP.

You admit you're inexperienced, but come here with comments like:

quote:

the reason im not sure if he would be a good master though is because he is uninterested in physical violence as a way to enforce the rules/establish dominance


quote:

my "Dom" doesnt dominate me 24/7, he is a dominant person all the time, but we really only get into sub/dom stuff when its related to sex, we arent lifestylers.


These comments show that you've established certain things as "the way it is" in your head, which is why you're getting the responses you are.

For what it's worth, Master doesn't dominate me 24/7. It would be exhausting for him to be in "Dom" mode 24/7. He is a dominant personality 24/7 which allows him to be the leader in our relationship.










_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 8:47:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant,



Why do you say this?


Because it's true. There are people out there complaining their masters aren't in charge. There are people out there where the dom has total control. The label doesn't make it so.

Just because someone likes thinking of themselves as a master or a slave doesn't mean they are dominant or submissive. And just because a person has a negative perception about the label of master of slave doesn't mean they somehow suddenly aren't in control or aren't at all submissive.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 8:54:42 AM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant,



Why do you say this?


Because it's true. There are people out there complaining their masters aren't in charge. There are people out there where the dom has total control. The label doesn't make it so.

Just because someone likes thinking of themselves as a master or a slave doesn't mean they are dominant or submissive. And just because a person has a negative perception about the label of master of slave doesn't mean they somehow suddenly aren't in control or aren't at all submissive.


Okay, what you are saying is that the labels may be misapplied, and within a particular couple, they might 'claim' to be Master and slave, but in actuality, according to an objective standard, they are not.  I can easily agree with that.   But I do not agree that there is not an objective definition/standard which does indeed differentiate between a 'master' and a 'dom'.   

~sgs

_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/20/2009 4:44:33 PM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline 		If you both are looking to share a slave, be sure that the slave is interested in the two very different styles of dominance and will cope well. Or get one for each of you. Dominance without violence is very common. I do not use pain for punishment. In fact, punishment is a very rare thing for me. I see any failure as a failure on my part to get my needs understood and met or a deliberate disobedience. If it is deliberate there will be very little tolerance and anything done about it will be one-way conversational. Too many occurrences and she's gone.

FUNishment is a different story however. I love to give pain, but never to punish.

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 7/20/2009 4:45:46 PM >

(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/21/2009 4:11:30 PM   
SaharahEve


Posts: 231
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: annababy89

hi,
my lover/fiance/dom and i we thinking about getting a slave to fufill his desire to be a master and mine to be a domme.
i dont know though if he has the heart to be a good master.

he is kind and loving and sincere, but he has a undeniable dark side and thrives on control.
the reason im not sure if he would be a good master though is because he is uninterested in physical violence as a way to enforce the rules/establish dominance. he only really likes voilence/pain in the bedroom, the rest of the time he likes to be dominant mentally and using other methods than pain. do you think he would/could be a good master for a third to join us and make a poly home?


Where must violence be always considered a legitimizing factor?

One could easily say establishing control by means of physical aggression is a sign of weakness, and seems to imply control needs to be forced upon someone who does not want the control. The man you describe seems to enjoy the more psychological aspects of control, and while physical gestures manifest from that in some way or another, mental force is where it's at.

Then again, inspiring and capturing the mind is VITAL, but it should be noted that part of that involves physical stimuli, as we are physical creatures. You inevitably end up with both in the end; it's hard to separate one from the other, I've found.


_____________________________

Saharah


S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

nanshakh.com



(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/21/2009 6:47:38 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		you'll find a wide spread here on collarme. But to the best of my ability to peer behind the curtains, corporal punishment is WAY more talked about than actually done. For the record, I have never punished Carol ... exactly. If she is bucking me, I'll simply ask, "So are you mine or not?" That pretty much does the trick right there. In fact, when i think back to other leadership positions i have held, it is extremely rare that I rely on negative incentives to get things done. Yet, somehow, that hasn't stopped other people from following my lead.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/21/2009 10:18:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There isn't that much difference from master to dominant,



Why do you say this?


Because it's true. There are people out there complaining their masters aren't in charge. There are people out there where the dom has total control. The label doesn't make it so.

Just because someone likes thinking of themselves as a master or a slave doesn't mean they are dominant or submissive. And just because a person has a negative perception about the label of master of slave doesn't mean they somehow suddenly aren't in control or aren't at all submissive.


Okay, what you are saying is that the labels may be misapplied, and within a particular couple, they might 'claim' to be Master and slave, but in actuality, according to an objective standard, they are not.  I can easily agree with that.   But I do not agree that there is not an objective definition/standard which does indeed differentiate between a 'master' and a 'dom'.   

~sgs


No, I am so not saying that at all. I am saying there are no absolute definitions here that any two people totally agree with.  Try putting up a post with your definitions and see what happens, but be prepared to be blasted and good.

Your definition works only for you, you don't get to define anyone else's relationship.

The only true slaves I know of are in the Sudan, and they don't consent to that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/23/2009 7:55:36 PM   
Mistressbinature


Posts: 64
Joined: 7/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: annababy89

hi,
my lover/fiance/dom and i we thinking about getting a slave to fufill his desire to be a master and mine to be a domme.
i dont know though if he has the heart to be a good master.

he is kind and loving and sincere, but he has a undeniable dark side and thrives on control.
the reason im not sure if he would be a good master though is because he is uninterested in physical violence as a way to enforce the rules/establish dominance. he only really likes voilence/pain in the bedroom, the rest of the time he likes to be dominant mentally and using other methods than pain. do you think he would/could be a good master for a third to join us and make a poly home?

what idiot told you that the way to enforce anything was thru violence?

(in reply to annababy89)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: i dont know if my dom could be a good master? - 7/24/2009 6:13:04 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		The thing is..you seem to be happy with what he dishes out? Right? Soo.....what makes you think another might not? For that matter no two subs are the same..what works for one might or might not work for another..the fun ..and the joy is in the trying and then making it work for everyone

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 40
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