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Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 11:33:25 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Today is the only day you have to work with, yesterday the history you created, and Tomorrow being a mystery that holds the unknown.

I try very hard to live life on lifes terms. By this I mean that I try very hard not to get all bent out of shape when things are going poorly, just as I try not to sing my own accolades when things are going well be they based on my choices or not.

In this lifestyle I see a LOT of whining. I see people ask questions to things that are pretty cut and dry, it is obvious that if things are bad the solution is to cut out the cancer.

I find in this lifestyle we so often try to change the other person and are generally steadfast on not changing ourselves. I mean I can't count the number of thread on how to make my Boyfriend a better Master or how do I make my bible belt girl the seductive temptress that I want so bad. I try really hard not to answer these kinds of threads because my answers are usually either trite or ignored completely.

You can't change the nature of a person. You can cultivate something that is already there and encourage it to flourish but you can't put something into the core values of a person that just isn't already there,

This thread is not about changing people, it isn't even about having a successful relationship, it is about the nature of people who want their cake and then want to eat it, save a couple slices, have it tomorrow with lunch and still share just enough cake to make them seem kind. Which is the general nature of people period. Often we sit back and wonder why what we have isn't good enough, we seek out the instant gratification (I am no different in this, I just accept that getting it requires dilligence.)

There was this movie called "Why did I get married" it is a Tyler Perry Movie so it was full of really great lines that could be carried out into many different situations, for as much as Madea is a Joke she is one smart woman...man..wo... Person.

In the movie they discussed the 80/20 rule. It discusses that if you get down to brass tacks anyone you can be genuinely happy with will usually present 80% of everything you want. After a period of time you become accustomed to the 80% and begin looking for that other 20% often when you find that other 20% that is all you see. The person is literally only 20% of what you want but having not gotten that 20% for so long it looks awfully good. However if you were to look back and really see what you get from one that you don't get from the other you will see making that change is always taking a lesser option.

I see it a lot in this Lifestyle. Slaves who are released for a younger tighter model who have no idea what they are walking into all the usually know is that they were desired more. The idea that both men and women will cheat on thier husbands and wifes saying that this lifestyle is something that they NEED but are not willing to come clean to that someone who they say they just can't leave. and usually when they are caught it ends in them losing everything because they were selfish.

Okay so maybe I don't understand "your" end in this. Maybe I got lucky and my wife is just as kinky as my fantasies hoped for, or maybe just maybe I was willing to lose andi and made it clear that this lifestyle was a part of me and if she wanted me the lifestyle came with it...... Oh, You discovered this lifestyle AFTER you were married and you can't ask someone else to change because you did. Well you are right but which would you rather being honest and being told that THEY can't be what you want or lie cheat and hide doing it and finding you have hurt someone deeper than they have ever been hurt before.

See it is living life on LIFES terms because it rarely works on your terms. Life changes and you have to change with it, My question in all this is why is it so diffcult to accept that responsibility to yourself is more important than to that of those in your life? Yes I believe this .... Dom OR sub, your responsibility to yourself should always come first. For those who say "Master always comes first" you miss that point that that is still putting yourself first because by putting your master first you are taking care of what it is that you need.

Steel

**Thank you for reading this Circular Babbeling after finishing it I realized there is little point to it excpet to start a discussion on**

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 11:38:17 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		Not to offent you..but are you saying your way is the right way?

edit
I liked it though..nice read


< Message edited by TurboJugend -- 7/20/2009 11:39:31 AM >

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 12:28:28 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't know why you think this is a lifestyle only problem, it isn't.

It's typical of people in general. Basic stuff you can read in any self help book.

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 12:48:23 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		So  mush of what we discuss here can be fond in such books as "Self Help" and even in books on Philosophy and Psychology, but, It is good to hear those things posted here by those who make every attempt to utilize it in their loves and especially as it applies to their lifestyle. 

_____________________________

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 12:54:02 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Not to offent you..but are you saying your way is the right way?

edit
I liked it though..nice read



Not at all, if you knew my posts better you would understand this better. My issue is not that people do certain things my issue is the reasons they do them and the excuses they use and the misery they transmit like sexuallt transmitted diseases. You know not everyone gets infected but those who do are usually hurt way more than the experience was worth.

I would rather see people step up to their responsibilities and just accept that if they want something that bad then they need to be about it and step up to the repsonsibilities involved in having it too. Just because you want something does not mean you should have it.

I would rather see someone live without and accept what they have then go about getting what they want and doing it at the expence of someone elses possible happiness.

In that I think it is more wrong to play with someones emotions without them knowing then to live in misery with your own being the only affected.

Obviously my ultimate desire is for people who want something that their own relationship does not allow for to find a new one that does rather then living in deciet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't know why you think this is a lifestyle only problem, it isn't.

It's typical of people in general. Basic stuff you can read in any self help book.


I don't Des, This falls in every form of life, but I wanted to put the specific spin of the cheating person in the BDSM relationship because they NEED it.

Otherwise this would belong in Off Topic and that is not what I want to discuss. Sure many people all over the world do wrong things all for the personal desire, but I have never seen more people being so adamant about the idea that it is not WRONG to be cheating on thier Marriage Partner because BDSM is something that they NEED bit obviously not enough to do the right things and make it clear to thier partner that they will be doing what they are doing but rather instead the do it in secret.

I just have an issue with the bullshit stories that are not only told but BELIVED by thoese who tell them in this lifestyle when they refuse to live life on lifes terms.

Steel

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 12:57:14 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

So  mush of what we discuss here can be fond in such books as "Self Help" and even in books on Philosophy and Psychology, but, It is good to hear those things posted here by those who make every attempt to utilize it in their loves and especially as it applies to their lifestyle. 


EXACTLY IronBear

BDSM is really no different than any other relationship and many of what we call Vanilla relationships physically resemble what we are they just don't yet know the terminology.

DesFIP with your argument almost nothing other than the HOW to use specific tools should be discussed because that would be all that was left if we refused to segregate between BDSM and Vanilla because both are relationships between people left to those people to define.

I just want to know how people see this subject when it sparks up in BDSM.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 1:00:10 PM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		I know your posts very well ..but i am glad you explained.
(my profile is new..but I am not new here :P )
I found your explanation better then the main post...together...very interesting.

Just asked my question because there was a lott of "I" in the first lines.

< Message edited by TurboJugend -- 7/20/2009 1:01:23 PM >

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 1:04:46 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Just asked my question because there was a lott of "I" in the first lines.


I see your point but would also point out that if I used a lot of They's and You's it would be less genuine. I try to only speak from a point of view that is my own and try really hard not to force my ideas as universal. I hope that my views come across as how I see them and not how I expect others to.

Thank you either way for your input.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 1:09:08 PM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		True......
but I always ask myself when people start to lecture..and use I a lott...what they try to say
but you explaned it nicely...thank you

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 1:11:16 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Cheaters tend to rationalize their actions in all sorts of ways, Steel...they even believe their own BS.
 
this slave was in a relationship once with a guy who really liked to cheat.  he enjoyed the whole secrecy thing, the feeling of getting away with something...the spontaneity and the drama that getting a little on the side, without his partner's knowledge or consent, brought to him.
 
he was almost caught in the act one day when this slave came home early from work.  he was flustered, making all sorts of excuses...insisting that NOTHING was going on.  he was very very disappointed when this slave informed him that it didn't bother her for him to be with someone else, physically/emotionally...as long as he was happy...and MEANT it.
 
the only way he could rationalize that this slave was fine with submitting to his desire to be with others, without her being there, was by convincing himself that this slave MUST be cheating on him...or else why would she not be incredibly jealous and angry at the mere THOUGHT of him being with someone else and upon discovery of his cheating, demand fidelity...or else?
 
it was very, very wierd...but apparently, cheating was a very important activity to him.  it was important that he have a partner who expected him to be monogamous-though he had no intention what-so-ever of being so.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 7/20/2009 1:12:22 PM >

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 2:12:22 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

You can't change the nature of a person. You can cultivate something that is already there and encourage it to flourish but you can't put something into the core values of a person that just isn't already there,



Yes you can.....

Otherwise......

A fair proportion of Germans are innate Nazis and....

A fair proportion of Americans are innate racists and.....

A fair proportion of English take pleasure in subjugating other people....

You really can change the values of people far easier than what you think - though this isn't something that people like to admit to themselves because it then begs the questions: "what exactly is my purpose where I have no inner self?"

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 2:32:18 PM   
dove967


Posts: 102
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline 		"still share just enough cake to make them seem kind. "

My God!  Ain't that the truth, Sir?   You hit the nail right on the proverbial head!    I guess I'm just very lucky, but, once my Daddy/Husband realized I wanted more from this lifestyle than he did , he went and found another Dom that he could trust to take me farther than he could.  Why?  Because I was honest w/him early on when I realized I was craving more.  Now I have the love and protection of both my Daddy and my Sir under the same roof!  Very well put , Sir!

dove

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 3:31:10 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

In this lifestyle I see a LOT of whining.


In EVERY lifestyle I see a lot of whining. We live in a victim culture.

And sure, it's counterproductive.


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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 3:34:15 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		What are life's terms? Fulfillment comes from the only place it is ever felt -- one's very own heart.

Everything else is a Rube Goldberg mechanism to compensate for ignoring the essential truth of one's own everpresent source of fulfillment and love.

Chasing external fulfillment alone is mere shadow boxing. External pleasure is an expression of fulfillment, not the source.

Fulfillment cannot be given or taken away. It can only be shared. Learn the simplicity of what you already have in your heart, and the external chaos becomes far less significant.

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 3:51:58 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah



See it is living life on LIFES terms because it rarely works on your terms. Life changes and you have to change with it, My question in all this is why is it so diffcult to accept that responsibility to yourself is more important than to that of those in your life? Yes I believe this .... Dom OR sub, your responsibility to yourself should always come first. For those who say "Master always comes first" you miss that point that that is still putting yourself first because by putting your master first you are taking care of what it is that you need.

Steel


Steel there isn't a single day when I do not live life according to life's terms. And yes it is a constant compromise. This is something to do with the lifestyle. all to do with the lifestyle and nothing to do with the lifestyle. All at the same time.
It isn't quantifiable. It's a question of the quality of not how much I life the lifestyle. It is a question of the quality of my life on the whole. Indeed it is not about the quality of my life for me but the quality of life that I akso give unto others. It's about balancing my own desires with what I can also do and give to others.
There was a moment in time which crystallized my realisation of this. And it was not in a telationship yo a partner, a vanilla husband or a master. It was the moment my first born came into the world and I went for days and weeks, months and then aactually about three years without proper sleep. I realised coming home from the hospital hat I would never again be able to go shoppng without considering the needs of another. This has extended to two other children and parents and a sister and then to dominant partners in a balancing act that at times has me negate myself in the process.
A Master that could not accept those who are akin to me as being an extension of me I would have a hard time respecting.
But the pay off? I would have and indeed have never had a problem serving the family of my partners. Being called upon to serve in this way is a gift.


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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 4:09:48 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Since I've noticed the subject of Cheating was mentioned twice. If anything it's more acceptable for people to honest with each other in BDSM relationships.

Such as a sub/slave asking a Dom/Master for permission to play with somebody. This is just one example but it's good enough to get the point across.

I'd much rather have somebody make me aware of things and ask for permission. This way the is no need to dishonesty, lies and other things that can effect the relationship even worse than the act of cheating itself.

This is just my two cents on the matter.



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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 4:13:25 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Steel,
This is, one of those saying, that was perhaps the hardest for me to grasp...
Probably because i had no idea what life on life's terms meant...For me, personally it means living a life which is: consistent with the values and morals i want to display, living a life free from lies, chaos, dishonesty, manipulation, guilt, etc. etc. etc.
Many times i feel like i don't belong in this world...Because there are many things i don't get (i.e. arrogance, judgementalism, etc.) The one thing i know about lies is not only do you need to convince other people that it's true, but the scary part is when you became able to convince yourself that these lies are true.
i hope i do not come across as a person who uses my desire for this 'way of life' as a justification for any inappropriate behavior.  Many here know that through someone i met on this website i ended up being raped, etc. i could very simply talk about what a horrible and evil bastard he is.. While i won't deny those things, none of those things diminish the fact that i put myself in the situation in the first place.. i put myself in the situation to be harmed.
To me, accepting responsibility for my behavior is accepting life on lifes terms.. On that same lines is not allowing myself to beat myself up for that..
Kali


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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 5:10:49 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		The original post reminded me of cows.

I grew up on a dairy farm - and on any given day you could see a cow, with its neck through the barbed wire fence reaching for the grass just out of its reach, all the while ignoring the grass it was standing in.

A lot of humans are that way. Once they have reached a desired goal they want something else. Reaching for a goal isn't bad , but constantly being unhappy with where you are is. Realising when you have enough for happiness is a great sign of maturity.

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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 5:47:35 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not really sure how to address everything you said in your OP.  But I will say that some time earlier this year I realized that, for the first time in my life, I wake up every day happy and content.  I don't have a lot (materially), and yet I have everything (family, love, friendship, music, me).  I have done so much soul searching that I came to love my life - who I am, how I live, and the people who are in it.  My focus is on being open to good and not expecting bad.  Negative thinking is our downfall, and I learned the hard way that every time I asked "What else can go wrong?" I sure as hell found out.  I learned to make the best decisions I can for myself and accept what comes.

Sure, bad things are going to happen in life, but they don't need to flatten me.  I've been through stuff and I'll get through stuff, but that doesn't impact my sense of self, or the love I have in my life.




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RE: Life on Lifes Terms - 7/20/2009 5:50:46 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Great post, my friend, as usual.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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