CreativeDominant
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Nice thread, Steel. Well thought-out, in my humble opinion.
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ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
Today is the only day you have to work with, yesterday the history you created, and Tomorrow being a mystery that holds the unknown.
I try very hard to live life on lifes terms. By this I mean that I try very hard not to get all bent out of shape when things are going poorly, just as I try not to sing my own accolades when things are going well be they based on my choices or not. I too try to live life on its terms. That doesn't mean I won't try to change things so that life ...approaches(?)...me in a more favorable fashion but I understand that sometimes, no matter what we do ourselves, we have little control of those actions of others outside our sphere of influence. So...while it might piss me off to get a request from an attorney NEEDING a patient file yesterday (something I could not control), it doesn't get to me too bad because I have done what I could to more favorably influence the outcome (I keep my records up to date and readily accessible) of what life has handed me. Of course, that takes some good old-fashioned common sense...knowing that while you DON'T always know what life is going to hand you, you can think ahead and be prepared for what life MIGHT hand you. Tends to keep anger and disappointment down.
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In this lifestyle I see a LOT of whining. I see people ask questions to things that are pretty cut and dry, it is obvious that if things are bad the solution is to cut out the cancer.
I find in this lifestyle we so often try to change the other person and are generally steadfast on not changing ourselves. I mean I can't count the number of thread on how to make my Boyfriend a better Master or how do I make my bible belt girl the seductive temptress that I want so bad. I try really hard not to answer these kinds of threads because my answers are usually either trite or ignored completely.
You can't change the nature of a person. You can cultivate something that is already there and encourage it to flourish but you can't put something into the core values of a person that just isn't already there, There IS a lot of whining within the lifestyle. e.g....Submissives who bitch because their dominant is making them hold to what they agreed to when they agreed to submit, dominants who bitch because a submissive won't give up her hard limits. I've noted that a great deal of that whining is supported, sometimes unconsciously, by submissives whose dominants are the type who twist themselves into knots into pleasing the submissive while talking loud about how important it is for the dominant to control the dynamic AND by dominants whose submissives were of the nature that their hard limits were eased/given up as trust was established. The submissives who call the whining submissive on their behavior and the dominants who call other dominants on their whining are ignored.
I don't know that we cannot change the core of a person. It may take a lot of work but as demonstrated by another in this thread, it can and has been done. My question is...how much do you want to change within another? If it is a lot of very deep, structural stuff then why did you pick that person in the first place? Why not find someone more suitable to you? Is it that search for that elusive 20% or 10% or whatever figure you care to use that you don't have OR is it an egotistic thing? "I just KNOW I can make that person the type of person they SHOULD be". Go into therapy or religion as a career then and help people that way so you have a better idea, and one that is not so self-motivated, as to what a "good" or "sexy" person should be.
I'd be the first to admit that I cultivate characteristics in submissives and I'd be the first to admit that I see nothing wrong in "training" (puts on flamesuit) the submissive in how to please the one she has agreed to submit to and serve BUT I will also be the first to admit that right from the start, I look for compatibility. I don't mind working on establishing a D/s dynamic and molding the dynamic to the submissive and myself and the submissive and myself to the dynamic but I don't want to change someone to fit my idea of the perfect fantasy submissive. Searching for perfection may be a noble quest but in the end, tis a fruitless one until you realize that perfection is not the absence of error, it is the person who is happy with themself but also wants to be better and becomes so for you. I will also be the first to admit that I learned a long time ago that what is held back, what is on the other side, is not always that great when you get there. Searched for it, found it, and in most cases didn't want it or, worse yet, found that it "needed" to be changed too.
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This thread is not about changing people, it isn't even about having a successful relationship, it is about the nature of people who want their cake and then want to eat it, save a couple slices, have it tomorrow with lunch and still share just enough cake to make them seem kind. Which is the general nature of people period. Often we sit back and wonder why what we have isn't good enough, we seek out the instant gratification (I am no different in this, I just accept that getting it requires dilligence.) I suppose a philosophical question could be asked here...if you recognize that it takes diligence to get what you want, then the gratification isn't really instantaneous, is it?
I see nothing wrong with having your cake and wanting it too. I was married for 17 years. Anyone looking in would have seen an outwardly happy couple with two great ums, making decent money, driving a full-on recreational van and a hot rod, living in a decent house filled with love. But...that wasn't enough for me. I wanted a wife who not only loved me but wanted to fuck me and not once every six weeks. I wanted a wife who could understand and still enjoy her husband's want/need/desire to take her down on the couch after the kids were in bed and "make out". I wanted a wife who understood that where we were helped to crystallize what I had been inside all along...the "NOT-Alan Alda man" that I thought I was and tried to be. I didn't get it and instead of having the guts to either force the issue or just walk away, I vacillated for several years....kids, finances, worry about my position, etc., etc....and sought solace on the net. Somewhere between that, a deepening disgust with myself for letting the lie continue, and a need to finally be me I found the guts and came to the conclusion that I could have my cake and eat it too. With that I walked out.
But...having your cake and eating it too can have consequences. Some of them good...I now am what makes me happy and continue to improve on that and feel no need to lie to my partners about it because they come at things from the other side of the coin I am on. Some of them bad...I watched as my practice dropped alarmingly, as friends disappeared, as family members looked at me questioningly, as the relationship I had with my ums damn near went up in smoke. I've built everything back up again and it took hard work. I've had three submissives of a long-term nature and I've taken away something...yes, dominants can learn too as noted in another big thread right now ~smiles~...from each relationship. I took a couple years away from a full-on relationship to discover what life was like without a "partner" and to discover more of the dominant and the man and the father and the doctor that is me. I know which part of the cake I want to not only have and eat but also which part of the cake I may want but never get and have learned to be O.K. with that. I've also learned that with some of the cake I have and eat, there can be consequences that are not always pleasant and so I consider whether or not those consequences are a price worth paying for that slice of cake.
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There was this movie called "Why did I get married" it is a Tyler Perry Movie so it was full of really great lines that could be carried out into many different situations, for as much as Madea is a Joke she is one smart woman...man..wo... Person.
In the movie they discussed the 80/20 rule. It discusses that if you get down to brass tacks anyone you can be genuinely happy with will usually present 80% of everything you want. After a period of time you become accustomed to the 80% and begin looking for that other 20% often when you find that other 20% that is all you see. The person is literally only 20% of what you want but having not gotten that 20% for so long it looks awfully good. However if you were to look back and really see what you get from one that you don't get from the other you will see making that change is always taking a lesser option.
I see it a lot in this Lifestyle. Slaves who are released for a younger tighter model who have no idea what they are walking into all the usually know is that they were desired more. The idea that both men and women will cheat on thier husbands and wifes saying that this lifestyle is something that they NEED but are not willing to come clean to that someone who they say they just can't leave. and usually when they are caught it ends in them losing everything because they were selfish.
Okay so maybe I don't understand "your" end in this. Maybe I got lucky and my wife is just as kinky as my fantasies hoped for, or maybe just maybe I was willing to lose andi and made it clear that this lifestyle was a part of me and if she wanted me the lifestyle came with it...... Oh, You discovered this lifestyle AFTER you were married and you can't ask someone else to change because you did. Well you are right but which would you rather being honest and being told that THEY can't be what you want or lie cheat and hide doing it and finding you have hurt someone deeper than they have ever been hurt before. I don't think you are not getting "our" side, Steel...tis just that each experience is different and while we might disagree with how someone handled what life threw at them, we can't really say for sure how we would handle it until we are there. On one hand, I can say that I did the right thing in trying to fix my marriage instead of just walking away because it didn't become "right" and she didn't change back the way I wanted her to right away. On the other hand, my going to the net and just letting things lie resulted in a lot of hurt and bitterness for her, a lot of hurt and bitterness for me, and a lot of hurt and confusion for our children. There's a line in there and rarely do people come down completely on the right side of it.
You were indeed lucky in knowing right away that you were willing to lose Andi to have what you want and even luckier that she wanted it too.
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See it is living life on LIFES terms because it rarely works on your terms. Life changes and you have to change with it, This is one area where I will argue with you, Steel. Life rarely does work on your terms when it comes to life outside your influence but as I noted earlier, you can do things to change the way life approaches you and those things can be done to handle both outside life and life that involves those in your sphere. I've learned a valuable lesson over the last couple of weeks. We had a "mini-flood" a couple of weeks ago and it took out the furnace motor at my office. Now, the airconditioning fan runs all the time and the heater motor won't run at all. I am going to have to pay to have it repaired and because I did not have a contingency fund for this kind of emergency...My insurance carries a mandatory 500 dollar deductible and the last time something like this happened, my father was still alive...he died in 1985. Having to dig into my own funds set aside for MY fun and games cost me the chance to spend time with someone I would have liked to have spent time with. That's life coming at me and I accepted what happened because what happened were my consequences for not doing things that might have mitigated the circumstances. But, I could have improved those circumstances by having just such a fund ready. Trust me when I tell you that there will be one put into place.
Life does change and so do we. But those changes can either be those accomplished by leaving yourself completely flexible and open to changes with little or no thought of consequences of those changes OR those changes can be influenced by the self-awareness so necessary to make life better that was spoken of on another thread. As a matter of fact, one of those who spoke so eloquently about that...besides me ...was you.
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My question in all this is why is it so diffcult to accept that responsibility to yourself is more important than to that of those in your life? Yes I believe this .... Dom OR sub, your responsibility to yourself should always come first. For those who say "Master always comes first" you miss that point that that is still putting yourself first because by putting your master first you are taking care of what it is that you need.
Steel I was going to disagree with this also until your last line...and when you apply that last line to submissives and put an equal line to dominants who say "The dynamic and the well-being of my submissive comes before my own wants" which is an indication of the recognition that it is control and responsibility at the heart of many dominant's needs.
I do think that caution must be exercised in being responsible to your own needs always...that can be turned around so that in doing something to satisfy your own desires, you state that what you were actually doing is taking care of the other while blindly ignoring the pain that your actions may've caused and defending yourself with the line..."you just can't see how I did this for the good of the dynamic yet...or you yet...but someday you will".
**Thank you for reading this Circular Babbeling after finishing it I realized there is little point to it excpet to start a discussion on**
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RE: Life on Life's Terms - 
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