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thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:22:11 PM   
angelsub2LuvU


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		I have been with my Dom for 6 years now. He has this thing about saying, writing, or texting "I love you" He won't, unless we are in person and I say it first. He says I know he loves me. He doesn't undersatnd why I need to hear it. Maybe I don't either. ??   It's a comfort to me when I'm sick, sad or just in a rut.  I feel like I do a lot for him emotionaly and to ask for that one little thing--it's something I should be granted. He feels I am trying to conrtol him with it. I am not.
If anyone agress with me would you please tell how I am supposed to make him understand how this is important to me?   And no, it is not all about me. From the time I wake up in the morning till the time I go to sleep I am trying to please him. I want this one little thing. A "thank you"

< Message edited by angelsub2LuvU -- 7/22/2009 2:25:56 PM >
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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:24:05 PM   
angelsub2LuvU


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		sorry for the typos.  *agree  and thing, not think.  thanks for any advice.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:26:39 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Have you told him just what you have written here? Problem is you can't force him to do it, at the same time I cant understand why something so simply to say that can mean so much would be hard for him to say anyways. This is the thing with relationships, something easy for one person to do could mean the world to another. I really do not know what to suggest really, I know this would be frustrating to me, but only you can know if it is a deal breaker or not.

_____________________________

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:35:17 PM   
angelsub2LuvU


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		yes, I've told him over and over. I was sick a few weeks back. So sick. Could'nt hardly get out of bed. I begged him for it. Told him what a comfort it was ect. He would not respond.  I guess I should mention too that he is in somewhat poor health. We have been together 6 years but will never marry of live together. He says he wants to protect me and not saying ti is part of that. Maybe keeping himself somewhat distant. I understand that but have also told him it will not protect me. It just hurts.  I am not going anywhere and either we can be as happy as we can now or keep going through this with the arguements and tears.  Love should not be this hard. And knowing there might not be a lot of time left I feel you should tell the person you love how you feel.  He makes love to me, he see's me often, we talk every day. How is not saying he loves me going to make a difference?  Is this making any sense? ( my thread and all of this)

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:35:21 PM   
littlegirlbc


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/21/2009
Status: offline 		at least he says it when you say it first.

i was with a Master who freely said those words, frequently and often, and i felt it was true when he said it. then i faced the fact he was freeling and sincerely saying it to at least 3 other women, and those were the ones he told me about.

now, i would be thrilled with a Master who had difficulty saying it but was only feeling it for me.

i would you suggest you check his actions, and see if they say 'i love you'. if they do (and i assume after 6 years you are there because he does do those loving actions), maybe you could start to view them as his version of saying 'i love you' and view it that way.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:43:28 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I do understand, but I also see where LittleGirl is coming from, I have been with many a partner who allowed the three word to trip off their tongues while systematically breaking my heart.

I do not understand how not saying it makes it better and I do not know the ins and outs of your relationship which means that this emotional distance is a big thing, but I do know that something like this really can wear you down. You can't explain why these things do make a big difference but that doesn't mean that they don't. I am sorry I can't be more helpful

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 2:51:21 PM   
Delphinus


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/26/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelsub2LuvU

Love should not be this hard.


I agree.  The struggles you face together will be hard sometimes, but your love should not be. 

If I were you (and knowing nothing more about whether you are truly happy or not), I would give it a true shot in letting it go.  I'm speaking from experience, as my ex-husband sounds suspiciously like your Dominant.  Quite possibly he truly doesn't feel he needs to say it, and either this is something you accept about him or it isn't. Try acceptance first, and see how it sits with you. 

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 3:02:20 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Now, this is just my opinion (like I have ever held back):

One, this man does not love you, he says it when you say it b/c it guilt trips him.

Two, this man cares for you deeply. Probably does love you, but is not good at accessing those deeper feelings. He may never be good at saying it.

Three, this man is using love as a way to emotionally manipulate you.

Only you know which of those options most suits your situation.

Again, this is just my opinion.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 3:07:27 PM   
scottishdove


Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		i would look at his actions in your daily life, and decide if they do reflect that he loves you.

if they do, well, actions do speak louder than words.


< Message edited by scottishdove -- 7/22/2009 3:09:09 PM >

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 3:39:10 PM   
angelsub2LuvU


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much for the advice and opinons. Taking it all in.........

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 4:10:00 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		words are just that - words....actions will always speak louder than words...

One that says *I love you* and then does the exact opposite - is far more painful than One that does not say it often - but proves that He does...by His actions.

Somehow i think you are stuck in a downward spiral - held hostage by those 3 words...don't....*s*....just look at it this way  - women speaks easier about emotions and such than men do...we are wired differently...

To me - a soft touch, a hug - help with the dishes will outweigh hearing Him just say *I love you* while He lays on the couch and does not see me - understand my state of mind or can hear in my voice where i am mentally - and act on it...s...Actions will say *I love you* way louder...s...

ok..i am tired...i am rambling..*L*..




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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 4:34:15 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Ok Just things that stood out to me reading this.....

""He doesn't undersatnd why I need to hear it
As I see it, unless he does not actually love you (which maybe the case), why should it matter, why you need to hear it?

It's a comfort to me when I'm sick, sad or just in a rut.
I want this one little thing. A "thank you
been together 6 years but will never marry of live together. He says he wants to protect me and not saying ti is part of that

I understand that but have also told him it will not protect me. It just hurts.  I am not going anywhere and either we can be as happy as we can now or keep going through this with the arguements and tears
 
Love should not be this hard. And knowing there might not be a lot of time left"
 
And these would be the reason you NEED to hear I love you from him, it makes you feel safe, it makes you feel valued, it makes you feel loved.

If you Dom, dosent make you feel those things, out of instinct, why do you feel safe with him? (he maybe be a very physically safe player, that has nothing to do with his emotional safety) Do you get my meaning darling?

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 5:10:49 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		This is going to sound facile, I'm afraid, but I've done it and it worked for me. It's just hard to explain in a way that doesn't sound like a stupid platitude. But being generally stupid, I do have to try! :D  

Try to switch your mental/emotional focus, if you can, to make this the central fact of your existence: "I love him." I'm not saying you don't love him. Not at all! I am saying you're not giving  that emotion enough credit. It isn't just something selfless you do or say to make someone else feel good or to express yourself with, it's far more multifunctional than that.  It can also be something that can make you feel very, very, very good, better, in fact, than if you heard those three words from someone else.
 
If you can intentionally substitute this feeling, the desire _to love_  for your desire to _be loved_. then pretty soon you won't miss whatever it was you thought you were losing out on, because this feeling just feels so much better. This isn't a formula for getting the other thing you say you want--it's not going to come as a "reward" for following this perscription (or if it does, and you've followed this perscription carefully, it will no longer be very important to you). This is a formula for choosing a different way to feel very good that can make the other thing you think  you want or need (the desire to hear "I love you") pale into insignificance. 

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 5:40:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's afraid of being hurt emotionally if he admits to love. If you leave him, if you die, whatever might happen, he feels that he's protecting himself from being hurt by not admitting to loving you.

So why are you making yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone who will not reciprocate? Why not try drawing back and learning from his lesson, protecting yourself, distancing yourself? Don't say it to him, when he asks you how you feel about him, use his words back to him.

And tell him that you've learned the lesson he taught you, that you shouldn't trust anyone emotionally and shouldn't get close. I'm guaranteeing he won't like that at all. But you need to figure out what you get out of a relationship that is so emotionally one sided, that you deliberately sought this relationship out. Hint: it replicates a relationship in your family of origin, you are deliberately choosing something that is familiar and bad for you in the hopes that this time around it will come out right. That the person who didn't love you then suddenly will now. It works in romance novels, but not in real life.

If you need to be with a man who can love you, then don't stay with a man who is too afraid to.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 5:47:03 PM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		You are so right.  And if the OP needs to hear it (as I did...need to that is, not hear it) she would be well advised to give it a VERY good shot at leaving.  Took me WAY too long.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 5:48:11 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Quit forcing.

You are telling him that it means a lot to you, that you need to hear it... You are giving him the words, and telling him to say them.

Let him be in control.  Ask him open ended things, like "How do you feel about me?"  If it were me, I'd feel a lot better about using my own words than words given to me.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 5:50:10 PM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		Steven, I almost always agree with you but if she's been with him for 6 years and he still can't say it, it's not a matter of force.  He's emotionally crippled.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 6:21:22 PM   
IronHands


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/3/2009
Status: offline 		Wonder why I have visions of Meatloaf singing "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights".

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 6:45:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If after 6 years of being together and he still can't say "I love you?"..sorry, something's seriously wrong with that.

Yeah, sure...actions speak louder than words..they sure do..no doubt about that..but if you can't say 3 words and mean them? After 6 yrs?

I would have to reevaluate things.

I have a sister who has been with a man for over 10 years now and still has never once told her those words and imo...I just don't think it's a good relationship for her even if the guy is nice and kind to her.

Imo there's emotional problems to be dealt with there.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 6:49:31 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

. I was sick a few weeks back. So sick. Could'nt hardly get out of bed. I begged him for it. Told him what a comfort it was ect. He would not respond.


if i were in your shoes, this would have been the wake up call i needed leave him.

When two people are in a relationship they should both do all they can to meet each others needs. You were ill and asking him  to assure you that he loved you and he could not or would not meet that need. Three words that he has said before but refused to say when you were sick and begging?

Darlin' do you need a piano to fall on you to wake you up?

As to his poor health, i would never accept that as a reason or allow it to be used as an excuse for him behavior. So he has health issues...so what? His illness is an excuse to hurt you in that manner? Not saying "I love you" is his way of protecting you? Total bullshit and shame on him for hiding behind a diagnosis!!

You are not happy, otherwise you would not have started this thread. You need the fulfillment of those three words. You need it. He is aware of your need and can fulfill it, but will not.

If i were in your shoes i would inform him he is a selfish prick and leave. Better things are out there.


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