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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 7:04:54 PM

LafayetteLady

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As others have said, why you need to hear them doesn't matter, you need it, that should be enough. Actions speak louder than words, blah blah blah. For some people, the need to hear those words is as necessary as food, drink and shelter. Again, others said it first....the person he is protecting his himself. While some will disagree, men and women love differently. Women don't necessarily need to hear those words several times a day, or every day, or every week even. But most women need to hear it on occasion. As mentioned, it reminds you that you have value, that you are important, that you matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting that.

So what do you do? How important is it to you? Can you continue to live without hearing it? Emotionally, you feel unappreciated. Can you continue to feel that way? If you answer yes to those questions, then you learn to live without it. But if your answer is no, you know what you need to do. Six years is a long time. It won't be an easy decision to make. But you need to put your needs first in this case and determine whether you can live without it or not.

Good luck.

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Post #: 21

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/22/2009 11:10:12 PM

jeninvegas

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My situation is the other way around, I think. My problem with not saying it is I feel it cheapens what I feel for my partner. I feel that my actions will speak louder than my words. So I never say it but then again, he has never asked me to say it either...so...I'm not sure how that helps but there's my bit, haha.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 1:25:47 AM

greenearth21

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I agree with Steven that it seems almost forceful. You need to hear it, he doesnt feel the need to say it...two opposites but possible to work. Someone else mentioned that actions speak louder than words...and that's what you really should go by.
Would it make you feel better just to hear it even if he's not REALLY feeling it? (you know those moments where your partner does something or looks a certain way that makes your heart content with the raw feeling of appreciating and loving them). But the fact that he's saying it just because he knows you want to hear it.
Not saying that you are in the wrong for feeling or wanting the things that you do. Even after 6 years...there are somethings about people that we can't change and just needs to be accepted for what they are without putting too much thought into them

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 2:34:10 AM

RCdc

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You need to work out what is more important. Three words, or your relationship.
And yes, it's really easy for the armchair therapists out there to tell you he is 'emotionally crippled'.
I swear, people need to back off other peoples relationships (particularly when they are of so many years).

Look, angel. If he is there for you when you are sick. If you talk every day. If he is totally honest with you about these words, then you need to look inside at you.
He could be a total arse and tell you he loves you just because you want to hear it and he may never mean it. You really want that? But no, he has been honest and doesn't just give you three empty words. For me? I give him full on props for his honesty.
People get so wrapped up in words, they lose sight of what they have. Forget the words and look at his actions. If his action make you feel inferior or unloved, then sure, the relationship is not as compatable as you may want it to be and it may be time to move on. But if his actions are sincere and caring, why do words matter?

For me, you are trying to control him with it. You may not realise it. You may not see it. But you are trying to manipulate him. Why not think about why you need words and these in particular. Why you are so desperate to be loved, even if it might be forced. I don't know your man, but maybe, just maybe, he is trying to teach you to get by without words and see people who are truthful instead.

the.dark.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 3:07:55 AM

masterofholly

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quote:

People get so wrapped up in words, they lose sight of what they have. Forget the words and look at his actions. If his action make you feel inferior or unloved, then sure, the relationship is not as compatable as you may want it to be and it may be time to move on. But if his actions are sincere and caring, why do words matter?

if i were sick, barely able to take care of myself, and sobbing while asking him to tell me he loved me as he stood there silently, i would certainly feel unloved. Inferior would be a totally different issue.

How could that situation demonstrate actions that are sincere and caring? If things are fun and happy it is easy to wear blinders and fool yourself into believing you have a healthy relationship. But relationships, commitments, and true colors are put to the test (for lack of a better term) during times of crisis. I believe he failed the test.

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Post #: 25

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 4:18:22 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterofholly

quote:

People get so wrapped up in words, they lose sight of what they have. Forget the words and look at his actions. If his action make you feel inferior or unloved, then sure, the relationship is not as compatable as you may want it to be and it may be time to move on. But if his actions are sincere and caring, why do words matter?

if i were sick, barely able to take care of myself, and sobbing while asking him to tell me he loved me as he stood there silently, i would certainly feel unloved. Inferior would be a totally different issue.

How could that situation demonstrate actions that are sincere and caring? If things are fun and happy it is easy to wear blinders and fool yourself into believing you have a healthy relationship. But relationships, commitments, and true colors are put to the test (for lack of a better term) during times of crisis. I believe he failed the test.

The above was written by me. apologies please. Jim logged out before i got on. I SAW him log out. Yet...

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 5:12:13 AM

Zechriel

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Good morning!
Daddy and I have been together for 15 months. In the beginning he used to say it all the time, even write it. I took it for granted and was very insecure about him leaving me and even looking at other (younger, slimmer) women/girls. Near our anniversary, we had quite a big blowout and it came during our reconciliation that he cannot really say it without being hurt,That all this time he was forcing himself to say it without really knowing what it meant in OUR relationship. See his being hurt so often after his divorce. So along with taking away my limits-if I was going to stay-he took away saying I love you or writing it. I walked on eggshells for weeks, not knowing where I stood or what I was going to do day by day..I just knew I loved him and wanted to stay.

After a few weeks of that, he began to REALLY open up about his feelings and things. And one day when I was crying and telling him about how I felt, he lifted my chin, looked right into my eyes, and told me "Nothing has changed, I still feel the same way." I could not understand that then but looking back, he was still doing things with me, being with me, treating me the same way so really it had not changed. he ends his letters as Hugs or kisses, Daddy/Master but not love you anymore. Does that change the way he feels-nope. And he lets me know it by giving me cards and such that say that. For my birthday he gave me a card that has a little card inside that I can take out and carry in my wallet-with a nice poem about daughters and saying You are loved the whole year through. awwwwww

I am the person who does need to hear it but if I were to insist, he would get very upset and start to push himself away, and that is not worth it. To hear those 3 words is to risk loosing him eventually. As an occultist, I accept the fact that people are what they are, habits and all. Some people just cannot change, especially to suit me. Do i give up everything great for one little insistence? No. not when I have constant reminders (cards, jewelry,chores,visits, phone calls) that he loves me-so what if he cannot say the words? Actions speak louder than words...and constant actions make more of a mark in your soul. That's just my story, it went from saying to it to NOT saying it but you know what? Truly...nothing has changed, just gotten more deeper and wonderful-because I accepted his limitations and what he was. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 9:20:33 AM

janiebelle

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I've never been a big "I love you" person either. Maybe it's in the raising. I never knew a demonstrative family, physically or verbally. But I never doubted I was loved.
And in the same light, I have become almost annoyed at people in my life who are big "I love you" sayers. Almost like "yeah, yeah, I know. You don't need to tell me unless it changes, OK?"
So I can see both sides on this one. But I also agree with what Holly and others have said...at times like that, perhaps going out of his way to say it would be so appreciated as to be worthwhile.
j

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Post #: 28

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 9:24:19 AM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

words are just that - words....actions will always speak louder than words...

Actually no, one of the five "love languages" involves hearing it. To some people, this is very important. Another one of the love languages involves action. To some other people, this is very important.

Telling something their love language isn't important isn't terribly helpful or productive.

Cali

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 10:12:26 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterofholly
if i were sick, barely able to take care of myself, and sobbing while asking him to tell me he loved me as he stood there silently, i would certainly feel unloved. Inferior would be a totally different issue.

How could that situation demonstrate actions that are sincere and caring? If things are fun and happy it is easy to wear blinders and fool yourself into believing you have a healthy relationship. But relationships, commitments, and true colors are put to the test (for lack of a better term) during times of crisis. I believe he failed the test.

If he were just standing there, then yes, that would suck. Unless I missed something, I never read that from the OP. Only that she asked him to tell her 'I love you' when she was bed ridden.

Last year when I was rushed into hospital, it didn't matter what Master said. What he did mattered. The fact that he jumped straight into his car and drove 2 hours to be there with me, mattered. That he was with me holding my hand when I had procedures done, mattered. I knew he loved me by his actions. Saying it is only a bonus.

the.dark.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 10:16:34 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

Last year when I was rushed into hospital, it didn't matter what Master said. What he did mattered. The fact that he jumped straight into his car and drove 2 hours to be there with me, mattered. That he was with me holding my hand when I had procedures done, mattered. I knew he loved me by his actions. Saying it is only a bonus.

i have a feeling if you had asked him for those three words he would have had a difficult time getting them past the lump in his throat... and i think that is awesome!

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 11:17:05 AM

littleone35

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I am one of the ones that needs the words. I mean i know Master loves me i see it in all his actions. If he did not would not have come to visit me in the hospital when i had my surgery. He would also not come to see me every day. Still he tells me he loves me every day and his actions prove his words. It would bother me if he did not say it because even though he shows it i like the words.

To th OP if his actions say he loves you and he just has trouble with the words, and you are in a good relationship why ruin it cause he can't say the words? If his actions do not prove he loves you and you need the love maybe you should look for someone who is able to love you. Only you can say wheather his actions speak louder then words. Stay and not hear the words or leave for someone who can say and mean the words. The ball is in your court.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 32

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 1:55:02 PM

susie

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FR

In the 5 years we have been together Master has told me he loves me very rarely. It is something he finds almost impossible to say. However I know he does by his actions. He has nursed me through skin cancer ( having to clean and dress my wound every day) and supported me through my brain tumour removal and all the follow up treatment. After the operation I looked hideous with black eyes and swollen face yet I still remember him kissing me and making me feel like I was the most beautiful person.

The reason he finds it so difficult to say the words is because in the past he has said those words to his father who died shortly afterwards and then to his wife before she died of a brain tumour. Sometimes there are reasons for finding it difficult to say things that for others would be easy.

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Post #: 33

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/23/2009 8:13:53 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

You need to work out what is more important. Three words, or your relationship.
And yes, it's really easy for the armchair therapists out there to tell you he is 'emotionally crippled'.
I swear, people need to back off other peoples relationships (particularly when they are of so many years).

Look, angel. If he is there for you when you are sick. If you talk every day. If he is totally honest with you about these words, then you need to look inside at you.
He could be a total arse and tell you he loves you just because you want to hear it and he may never mean it. You really want that? But no, he has been honest and doesn't just give you three empty words. For me? I give him full on props for his honesty.
People get so wrapped up in words, they lose sight of what they have. Forget the words and look at his actions. If his action make you feel inferior or unloved, then sure, the relationship is not as compatable as you may want it to be and it may be time to move on. But if his actions are sincere and caring, why do words matter?

For me, you are trying to control him with it. You may not realise it. You may not see it. But you are trying to manipulate him. Why not think about why you need words and these in particular. Why you are so desperate to be loved, even if it might be forced. I don't know your man, but maybe, just maybe, he is trying to teach you to get by without words and see people who are truthful instead.

the.dark.

Did it even occur to you while you were insulting every person who called him emotionaly crippled, you were as equally an "armchair therapist" when telling her to figure out "why she is so desperate to be loved." Nice double standard.

Needing to hear that someone loves you every so often doesn't equate with a desperate need to be loved. I had no doubt that my father loved me all of his life. But when he was dying and he told me he loved me, it meant a lot to hear it. It had nothing to do with doubting his feelings or a desperate need for my father's love.

Saying "I love you" IS an action. For those whose partners have trouble saying it because of prior deaths, divorces, violations of trust, etc., they are in a sense "emotionally crippled." Those couples have dealt with those issues and moved passed them in a positive way.

Nothing the OP said indicates she is looking for him to say it every time they talk, all the time. She NEEDS to hear it now and then. Can it be viewed as a "bonus?" For some. For others it is an integral part of the relationship. For the OP it is a NEED. Do you not feel love for your partner (if of course that is the kind of relationship you have)? If so, then those "3 little words" wouldn't have no meaning, and if one partner or the other needs to hear it on occasion, you love them, so where is the harm?

There is a huge difference between wanting your partner to meet a need, and trying to manipulate and control them. Maybe it has bothered her for a long time, and she has been being patient. Maybe her being sick was a catalyst to her realizing that he is really fighting her on this issue. In any case, in a relationship, if such a small compromise can't be met on occassion, there IS something wrong. It doesnt' take an "armchair therapist" to see that, it is common sense.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 7/23/2009 8:14:55 PM >

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 3:28:43 AM

barelynangel

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okay maybe its just because just i woke up and no coffee yet but wholy crap all this drama over words? You said love is HARD all because he won't say I love you without it being a response to your saying it? Sounds to me like your obsesssion is what is making things hard not him or anything else in the relationship. Its your insecurity causing this hardship, not his security in being with you, caring about you, and having the relationship with you. This isn't about HIM at all, its about you. I mean seriously watch

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

THEY ARE WORDS THAT IS ALL. There is nothing MAGICAL about them, If you NEED words so badly, then perhaps your priorities aren't where they belong. I personally don't blame him for not saying them because it seems to me that you are obsessed and are trying to manipulate and control him with your DEMAND he say them. You said these words are a "thank you?" Is that what your last sentence meant? Are you KIDDING me? You said you spend all day trying to please him -- obviously not since you have made your relationship this constant battle of manipulation, demand, and a dog with a bone concept over words you are DEMANDING he say.

I mean seriously are you hearing yourself?

quote:

I am not going anywhere and either we can be as happy as we can now or keep going through this with the arguements and tears. Love should not be this hard.

You have pretty much made your relationship a BATTLE and are planning to KEEP it a battle until you get your way in this. Hell, if i was him i leave your ass and show you how ACTIONS speak louder than words, and your actions in battling him for this to me shows me and hell i am an observer based on your posts -- you are insecure, you obviously want what you want and screw what he wants.

I mean seriously if he gives in and simply starts giving you the platitude you want are you going to start bitching at him about ohhh you don't really mean it do you? You are just saying it because i want you too. etc etc etc.

It honestly blows my mind the silliness people choose to start fights over and issues in relationships, especially from what you are saying it may not be a long relationship. So instead of enjoying your time left with you, you'd rather fight and bitch, and cry because he won't give you platitudes, instead of savoring a touch of his hand, the time you spend with him, the feelings he envokes in you with his presence, the looks of pleasure he gives you, the sound of his voice, the feel of him etc. You know when he is gone, you really will regret the time you have spent bitching and trying to manipulate him instead of savoring all of the things you will wish you have that you don't remember much of because you were too busy bitching, fighting and crying over a platitude you were demanding from him.

You are the one making "love" hard, not him. No one NEEDS words, if they do, to me, they really aren't paying attention to what is being said without saying nothing at all. Again, WORDS don't mean a damn thing, actions do. And to me, what you are indicating your actions are -- to me -- YOUR words of love are simply empty shells because you think they should be said rather than meaning them when you say them.

I mean seriously -- you have created all this drama in your relationship over your obsession with WORDS. Perhaps you should become this obsessed by ACTIONS -- yours. To me, you are pretty much saying you will spend the time he has left here battling him, trying to manipulate him, fighting him, and demanding from him platitudes so YOU feel better. Nice.

Seems like i have a favorite saying to day ----> I mean seriously -- OP seriously?

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 7/24/2009 3:41:46 AM >

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 3:42:11 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. THEY ARE WORDS THAT IS ALL. There is nothing MAGICAL about them, If you NEED words so badly, then perhaps your priorities aren't where they belong.

i do not agree with this. i do not, cannot and have no right to tell anyone their NEEDS are a reflection of mixed up priorities.

Needs are like limits...very personal and to be respected!! He CAN fulfill her need to hear "i love you". He will not. He is disrespecting her with his refusal.

I do not have the impression the OP is the whiny sort that is asking him verbalize his feelings on a daily basis. I DO have the impression she asks when her need has to be met.

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 3:50:53 AM

barelynangel

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Holly, they are WORDS. For someone to be obsessed with WORDS instead of simply the whole of the RELATIONSHIP, is a dysfunctional concept. Everyone else is calling HIM emotionally crippled and not seeing the dysfunctional concept of her supposed NEEDS.

Do you seriously believe that the OP, based on WHAT SHE HAS SAID, would be content and happy if he simply started spouting WORDS as a platitude to shut her up? No, based on her making this a battle, she will then show her insecurity continuously wondering if he REALLY MEANS it or is he just saying it because she demands it.

Sorry but from what i am reading this isn't a NEED of hers, this is an obsession because he isn't doing it. She has now made it into a game between them. She has already said she isn't going anywhere and instead has decided their relationship will be happy (meaning he better damn well do what she wants and she will stop bitching) or it will be full of fighting and arguing and my favorite -- TEARS <---- THIS tells me that this is a game, if it was a NEED, she would not be saying so comfortably she isn't going anywhere. If she had said, i am hurting so badly that i don't think i could stay in this relationship --- i would half way say okay this may be in her mind a need.

She has fully indicated the HAPPINESS of their relationship is now conditional on whether she gets what she wants (which are WORDS btw) and if she doesn't, watch out dude she will make their relationship a full fledge battle. I mean 6 years of actions she is going to make their relationship a battle ground over words. Yeah, i guess i am just strange -- words to me aren't worth throwing 6 years of loving actions down the drain in exchange for platitudes instead.

Hell, i feel bad for the guy if he really does have so little time left, maybe he will wise up and leave so he can spend the time he has left in peace instead of a battle over her supposed need for platitudes.

Yeah, i can see how everyone thinks HE is the emotionally crippled one -- but i really don't think he is the one who is.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 7/24/2009 3:59:15 AM >

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RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 4:39:48 AM

eyesopened

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I tend to agree with barelynangel. Who says the only healthy relationships are the madly in love ones? It sounds to me like the guy is being totally honest and totally true to himself and has integrity and doesn't want to say what he doesn't mean. How is that unhealthy?

The OP on the other hand has decided that if would be better for him to decieve her by saying what he doesn't mean, just so she hears what she wants to hear. How does that make HIM the emotional cripple?

Prior to meeting my Master, in a previous relationship the Dominant said the L word all the time but I knew he didn't mean it the way I define it. I asked him to STOP saying it. He asked me "Don't you believe that I love you?" and I thought about it for a bit and answered "Yes. I believe you love me as much as you are capable."

I believe the OP's Dominant loves her as much as he is capable. Love is an emotion. Emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. You can't MAKE someone have an emotion. Not being in love with a particular individual does not make one an emotional cripple. Saying you are in love with someone when you are not, makes one a liar.

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Post #: 38

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 4:47:01 AM

Sunnyfey

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@Eyeswideopen,

I agree, except for, if your in a relationship with someone for 6 years and only text them I love you, and dont say it unless the other partner says it first in person....healthy?

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Post #: 39

RE: thos 3 little ( big) words - 7/24/2009 5:35:45 AM

barelynangel

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quote:

Who says the only healthy relationships are the madly in love ones?

Hi eyesopened, People can be madly in love and never say the words to me. WORDS aren't what IDENTIFIES the love in the relationship. Actions of the people are. To me, i always say -- don't tel me you love me, show me you own me. Words don't mean anything, other than what the ACTIONS put into play. I mean a guy could say hey babe, i love you AND MEAN IT, while punching her in the face in anger. A person can say --- oh wow, i love you with all that i am, AND MEAN IT, while fucking around on you behind your back. I love you is simply three words, however, the touching, the being together, the life shared, etc etc etc, is what shows what a person means to someone.

Actually SunnyFey, i believe he doesn't believe in texting it either but does respond with I love you when she says it. Why isn't that healthy? Maybe when he slides his finger across her cheek --- he is saying I love you. Maybe when he doesn't something consistently like fingering her hair or touching her in some way when they are together is saying i love you. Hell staying with her for 6 years has been him saying to her -- i love you. Words are simply words, but many times people get so focused on words that they don't actually LISTEN TO what someone has been saying to them all along. Whenever my Master was near me, i somehow touched him, either sticking my fingers in his back pocket, or holding onto his pinky, or running my fingers along his shoulder if i was passing, kissing whatever part of his body was near my mouth, i was telling him how much i loved him, how i needed him etc etc etc. I knew everytime his fingers found their way into my hair -- which was A LOT lol he was telling me more than words could ever tell me. When he stroked my cheek or disciplined me, used me for HIS pleasure, etc etc was him telling me more than words every could.

The length of time has nothing to do with words being said -- but the fact he has been with her for 6 years should mean more and SAY more than the uttering of a platitude such as i love you. That is what i am trying to figure out -- why is it -- he has been with her for 6 years that THAT doesn't say MORE and LOUDER than words of platitudes do? Instead of looking at that as saying something loud and clear -- she is obsessing about words, instead of actually HEARING what he has said pretty much for 6 years.

Sometimes people are more concerned with HEARING, than they are with LISTENING and i think this is the case here. Perhaps he isn't saying what she wants him to now because he has told her "you know i love you" and is now wondering if she has even been LISTENING when he has said it to her. Maybe to him, the idea she LISTENS to him instead of HEARING him is what HE needs and she is basicaly saying she hasn't been listening to him. So why should he SAY something in words when she hasn't bothered to listen to him for 6 years?

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 7/24/2009 5:39:34 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

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