Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

stay flexible


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> stay flexible Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:24:04 PM   
hallieB


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		hello everyone, the way my Master deals with scheduling me to come and see him really bothers me. i have discussed this with him and have not been able to resolve the way i feel. i understand he is "boss" so i dont want to keep ranting about it, but i would like your perspective on the matter and maybe some suggestions on how to deal with it. We are 150 miles apart so i only see him on the weekends, i am not allowed to assume i will see him every weekend, i have to ask permission. i am supposed to give him as much advance notice as possible if i cant make it due to family obligations, work or just plain natural circumstances. When i ask him if i may come see you this weekend i dont get a straight answer, he says we will see or i would like for you to stay flexible. Be ready incase i want you to come. Here it is after midnight friday and i dont know if i will be going tomorrow or not. i get so frustrated. Wouldnt you think by friday evening he would know if he wants me to come saturday. What are your thoughts on the matter?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:27:01 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		If it doesn't work for you, or if you're not happy with the interactions that you get, there is always the ability to walk away.  That being said, I'd sit down and have a serious talk regarding desires/needs/etc.  If after that nothing changes, he refuses to change, or you can't change the way you feel, maybe its time to look elsewhere?

There needs to be a bit of "flex" on both parts in the beginning.  Good luck.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:32:29 PM   
hallieB


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		If its not what you want walk away seems to be the favored response around here. i dont want to walk away because things are not the way i want them. If that was the case i would change my profile to Dominant. i have talked with him and will continue to bring it up on occasion if he will allow it. Any suggestions on how to deal with it. Or may be why a Master would do that. Sometimes an understanding of why seems to help.

(in reply to caelestis)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:38:46 PM   
JoeVanilla


Posts: 22
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline 		That's just the kind of planning someone would do if they were in more than one relationship.  I'm not saying he is, or that it would necessarily bother you... but it's one possibility.

The other is maybe he feels you are coming on a little too strong.

One thing you might do is stop asking to see him for a little while.  That can be difficult, but it might give you some answers.  Maybe he would rather pursue you, or maybe he doesn't realize how important you are to him.  A little emotional distance can be intriguing.


< Message edited by JoeVanilla -- 7/24/2009 9:41:41 PM >

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:43:47 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Personally, this would drive me nuts. Part of that is that I am a "plan ahead like to be organized and have my ducks in a row"  kinda person. Not everyone is that way, some are more "fly by the seat of my pants" types. Now, I can fly by the seat of my pants if I have to, but it's not my personal operating style.

This issue between you could be that simple, differing operating styles. It could also be the symptom of a power struggle between you.








_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 9:47:26 PM   
hallieB


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		daintydimples, Thank you, this is the kind of imput i am looking for. Could you elaborate on what you mean by symptoms of a power struggle.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 10:01:45 PM   
hallieB


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		thank you Joe, i am 99.9% sure he is not married, i would say 100 but there is always a chance for error no one is perfect....lol.... i was at one time packing on thursday night going to work friday when i got off i asked if i could come and if he said yes i was there by 10 friday night and would stay until 6:30 monday morning. Sometimes i waited for him to say come and got no response. Not knowing weather to go home or start on my way to his house i would ask what are your plans for me Master or what should i do Master. At a different time he said i should not be on the roads late anymore so i couldnt come unless i got off early. So i did back off and tried not to ask so much and just wait for him. It got to where it was almost saturday afternoon before i got there and i did start leaving early enough Sunday evening to get home before dark. He latter made a comment that i dont ask to come see him like i used to......

(in reply to JoeVanilla)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: stay flexible - 7/24/2009 10:16:03 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		How much work and energy do you put in to the possibility that you might be allowed to visit?  How much energy do you think he is expending on his decision?  How many times are you left without much fun stuff or socialization on a weekend because of the ‘maybe’.  How much fun and socialization do you think he gives up on those weekends?  
 
I don’t believe for a minute that wanting/expecting the courtesy of firm plans to travel 150 miles makes you less ‘submissive’.  Let’s get real here! 
He is rude!  If you really want to feel okay about this, then you will have to stop expecting any consideration from him.  Can you do that?  Before you answer that I would suggest you take a long and honest look at what it would mean. 
ETA:  How is the relationship served by his behavior?

< Message edited by catize -- 7/24/2009 10:23:29 PM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 4:12:38 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		For the most part, I need some time to plan.   Deciding at the last minute every once in a while is fun and exciting.   But for that to be the norm, I would begin to think that I was "the last minute flavor for the weekend".   

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 5:18:35 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would be straight forward and say this didn't work for me. And if I were really tired of sitting around not doing anything, not seeing friends I would start scheduling things for me.

Tell him you can't stay flexible. And that if he doesn't know if he's available by Thursday evening you will assume he isn't and make other arrangements. Call your girlfriends who you have neglected for far too long, go to the movies, visit elderly relatives, join in a knitting group. Don't give up your life.

And I agree that you aren't his primary relationship and that he's relegating you to the sidelines while he's chasing someone new.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 5:42:32 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And I agree that you aren't his primary relationship and that he's relegating you to the sidelines while he's chasing someone new.

That is one possibility but, from what little has been said, I think it's a huge and very possibly erroneous assumption. Just because he's handling the scheduling as he is, does NOT necessarily mean there's anything sinister. There COULD be, of course, but I wouldn't jump straight to such a negative conclusion.

Hallie, I would just calmly and rationally explain to him what a problem you're having with how things are going. Tell him how it affects you having to wait until the last minute to know if you can visit. Tell him what you honestly feel and the negative implications his decisions are having. Tell him - if it is indeed the case - that you don't know how you can continue to handle it. You have a right to what you feel and if it's not working, you need to tell him. Don't mince words and just let him know the truth. How he chooses to handle what you say is on him. But at least you've been honest and put the ball in his court hopefully without assuming he's cheating, lying or being a scoundrel in general

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 6:16:03 AM   
rideemwet


Posts: 93
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		deleted


< Message edited by rideemwet -- 7/25/2009 6:21:03 AM >

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 6:44:18 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Although I agree there is a possibility this man is juggling more than one female, I don't think it helps the OP to jump to what may be very wrong conclusions.

Frankly I think there is too much of that in relationships. When you jump to a wrong conclusion and act accusatory, it does tend to make the other person defensive. And that is not a good atmosphere for clear communication.

To the OP:

I will try to explain what I mean by power struggle by using an example.

sub: Master, when will I see you again?
Master (a bit distracted by something: work, lack of caffiene, the basketball game): I don't know, we'll talk about it later.
sub: Please Master I need to know. Can I come over Friday night night?
Master (now slightly peeved): I said we will talk later.
sub (now sounding whiney): Master, please don't put me off right now. Just tell me one way or another, please. I'm fine if you don't want to see me. (not sounding in the least bit fine).
Master either doesn't respond, changes the topic, suddenly has to end the conversation....

What started as a slight distraction can snowball into a major power struggle in short order, and this is especially true in a rather inexperienced dominant (as well as some very experienced ones who should know better) who sees every minor blip as "topping from the bottom."

Nature abhors a vacuum and a person cannot top from the bottom unless you let them (JMO folks).

In my mind disagreements like this that revolve around how often a couple spends time together, chats on the phone, talks online, whatever, are symptoms that there is a power struggle going on. Almost certainly b/c a dominant got up on his high horse when he was questioned, and decided to take a hard line instead of looking beyond his own ego to his submissive's (often unspoken) need for security in some way.

Now did the whiney persistent tone of the submissive help set this power struggle in motion? Of course it did. But a good dominant understands that whiney persistence in an otherwise pleasing and obedient submissive means some needs are not getting met. And he deals with the underlying causes instead of getting bogged down in the minutia of a power struggle.


.








_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 6:56:34 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

When i ask him if i may come see you this weekend i dont get a straight answer, he says we will see or i would like for you to stay flexible. Be ready incase i want you to come. Here it is after midnight friday and i dont know if i will be going tomorrow or not. i get so frustrated. Wouldnt you think by friday evening he would know if he wants me to come saturday. What are your thoughts on the matter?


My first thought would be you are not his first option. I am sorry, but his behavior would say that loud and clear if i were in your shoes.

Why are you putting up with this? I realize you feel it is not your "place" to do so, but i would give this fool a deadline. "With all do respect, Sir, you either confirm plans with me by Wednesday evening or you can consider me unavailable" And mean it.

You are not a doormat. Stop letting his walk all over you.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 7:18:26 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Yep, sometimes, it just sucks to be a slave. Yes, much of your life IS waiting on his whim. You can be disobedient or obedient. If you have nothing stopping you from seeing him then yes, if he wishes you to wait to see if he wishes to amuse himself with you this weekend or allow you access to him, then that's what you do. If he isn't sure, i would be PREPARED to go, but also have a backup plan incase it falls through. Its simply how you exist in his life and as his slave its understandable to be frustrated but in the end --- you will wait in his whim, he is the Master. Its his decision in the end. Is it hard sure, but that is how you exist in his life. It may change in the future, it may not.

It seems he is content at how he has determined things, if it is causing you a HARDSHIP versus just ansiness then suck it up in my opinion and be prepared to go but also be prepared if he decides in the end not to allow you access or doesn't wish to entertain himself with you.

It IS hard, but its also slavery at how he is determining it for you. You have a choice to be obedient or disobedient.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 7:22:14 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

My first thought would be you are not his first option. I am sorry, but his behavior would say that loud and clear if i were in your shoes.

Why are you putting up with this? I realize you feel it is not your "place" to do so, but i would give this fool a deadline. "With all do respect, Sir, you either confirm plans with me by Wednesday evening or you can consider me unavailable" And mean it.

You are not a doormat. Stop letting his walk all over you.
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

Yep, sometimes, it just sucks to be a slave. Yes, much of your life IS waiting on his whim. You can be disobedient or obedient. If you have nothing stopping you from seeing him then yes, if he wishes you to wait to see if he wishes to amuse himself with you this weekend or allow you access to him, then that's what you do. If he isn't sure, i would be PREPARED to go, but also have a backup plan incase it falls through. Its simply how you exist in his life and as his slave its understandable to be frustrated but in the end --- you will wait in his whim, he is the Master. Its his decision in the end. Is it hard sure, but that is how you exist in his life. It may change in the future, it may not.

It seems he is content at how he has determined things, if it is causing you a HARDSHIP versus just ansiness then suck it up in my opinion and be prepared to go but also be prepared if he decides in the end not to allow you access or doesn't wish to entertain himself with you.

It IS hard, but its also slavery at how he is determining it for you. You have a choice to be obedient or disobedient.

angel
very clear difference between a submissive (me) and a slave (Angel)




_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 7:28:40 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Hey Holly lol yeah i guess there is -- from her post it seems she is addressing things from a slave concept so i thought it may help to show her yes it sucks to be a slave at times lol but this isn't unusual for slaves to do -- live by the whim of her Master.

grins, slaves usually AREN'T a first option of a Man but they are a expected option so to speak lol. Its not being a doormat it simply the nature of the beast - grins, we get perks lol but yeah sometimes it just sucks.

grins, i tried the give me notice/deadline or i am going to assume lol ONCE --- only ONCE -- HE shrugged and did what he wanted to do and i was ignored for a week and i lived in the same house with him. It was like i didn't exist in his life for a week -- it was not a fun feeling.

grins, living by his whim is kinda how it worked in my slavery lol. He made the decisions he felt suited his home, i jumped on coattails and said weee lol. I adjusted to him -- he didn't adjust to me.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:09:26 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, it COULD be that this is a way he enjoys his dominance, by making your priorities low.

Whatever.  You discussed it with him, he's aware of it and doesn't feel any need to change.

You now have three options:

1. Accept it.
2. Games like nagging him or telling him, "I'm sorry, Sir, but when I didn't hear from you, I filled my weekend with appointments.  Could we reschedule to next weekend?"
3. Leave.

I'm sorry but you don't have other options, and I would not recommend #2.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 7/25/2009 9:20:38 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:19:26 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB
When i ask him if i may come see you this weekend i dont get a straight answer, he says we will see or i would like for you to stay flexible. Be ready incase i want you to come. What are your thoughts on the matter?
My thoughts are that he's toying with you and doesn't respect your time...which means that he doesn't respect you. He's treating you like a booty call.

He's been made aware of the issue. He obviously feels no need to change how he operates, which means this is likely to be how the entire relationship works. So, the question is: will you be happy over the long term being treated like this? Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

We do WIITWD because it makes us happy. If what you're doing is making you unhappy I suggest you make some decisions. You need to decide whether you can live like you are or walk away.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:31:14 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		my thoughts? you appear to be a convenience fuck who has nothing better to do with their time and sit around and jump when he says jump...

which in effect, makes you appear desperate

and...

he's a dick who has someone actually falling for this shit!

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> stay flexible Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094