Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: stay flexible


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: stay flexible Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:36:26 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I guess I keep my life a lot simpler than a lot of people.  MY thoughts on the matter are:

1.  If he wanted to see you, he'd take the initiative to make sure it happened.
2.  If he really cared what time you were out on the roads BEFORE you made the trek, he'd make sure that happened, too, by taking the initiative to make sure you left at appropriate times, or, he'd make the damn trip himself.  Why do you have to do all the driving???  And initiating???
3.  If it was midnight on Friday and I hadn't heard from him yet, I'd assume he didn't want to see me and I'd make other plans.
4.  If the situation the way it was was making me frustrated, I'd talk about it with him ONCE, then, if it didn't change, I'd change it.  Meaning, I'd move on.
5.  Since he can't seem to make any consistent decisions at appropriate times, I'd question his D/s orientation and begin to suspect that he actually needs a dominant type himself to make decisions for him.

Life is SO much more satisfying that way.  At least for me.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:38:45 AM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		i read the OP and had a lot of questions surrounding, "why is this a problem for hallieB?" (it would be for me, i'm the sort who performs better with clarity and directness, but i'm not the one who opened the thread).  i'm wondering if the "why" of your irritation is more important than the "how come" of his actions in figuring out what your next step is.
Does it negatively affect your work schedule? Has it isolated you from friends and/or family?  Is the long drive deeply annoying? Do you dislike vagueness in general? Do you want/need more time than occasional, last minute weekends to feel secure in your relationship?  Do you even need to feel secure, for that matter? Do you suspect him of being with someone else when that isn't the pre-existing arrangement? Are you able to lead a fulfilling life outside of the relationship?  Is the wear on your car and gas funds becoming a financial hardship? Is he considering any of these questions?  Do you need him to be?
i'm sure there are more, (and these might be kinda' leading), best to make your own list of questions up.  If he allows you to speak to him on the matter again, it may be helpful to him to know your specific why's.  Oh! another one just popped into my head--How is this building or dismantling trust between the two of you?

Why a Master would do this?  Here's two examples--question 1: how far will she bend over backwards at this stage? question 2:  How much can i get her to beg?

And like many on this thread suspecting some form of doggishness on his part, i sadly think of this example too:
question 3:  hallieB who?

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:40:17 AM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not sure, but didn't you have a thread about him not wanting you to hang out with your friends any longer? 

These are some red flags for me.

Be careful. 

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 9:48:38 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

I'm not sure, but didn't you have a thread about him not wanting you to hang out with your friends any longer? 

These are some red flags for me.

Be careful. 


Yep:  http://www.collarchat.com/m_2718274/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#2718274

Another red flag: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2568138/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#2568138



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to KneelforAnne)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 12:06:18 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, I am not trying to be judgmental here- what you do is your business, and as long as it makes you happy, who am I to say what is right or wrong?

This is just from my point of view, from your profile and your recent questions.

It seems like things are not going well. It seems like you have a lot of confusion and uncertainty….

In your profile, in your journal to be more specific… you say that you have been together for over a year (the 4-12 journal says it was your first anniversary).

It seems, TO ME, that things like this should have been ironed out by now.

If there haven’t been some large, life changing events… shouldn’t you be pretty sure of where you are and what you’re doing by now?

If you STILL don’t know how to talk to him, when you’re going to see him, and he doesn’t like your friends (although you are a grown woman, not a teenager)--something is wrong somewhere. And I really doubt--a year into it--that the problem lies with you.

Is he changing the rules?
Is he inconsistent?
Do you have expectations of him, as your Master/Dom, that he isn’t meeting?
Have you talked to him about it, and come to a mutually satisfying conclusion?
If so, have things changed -- for more than a short time?
Are YOU happy?

These are questions that are none of my business, but that perhaps you should ask yourself.

You’re still a person. You get to have needs and then wants and desires. Your needs should be met, even in the most basic M/s D/s relationship (or that is my understanding-- I’m still learning here…  ).

We’re getting a lot of questions from you, and it seems that you’re bearing the brunt of the blame for things not going how he likes. If there are consistent problems… it isn’t JUST you.

DO NOT let him become your entire world (as he has told you--from my understanding--that you’re not to hang out with your friends any longer) unless and until he‘s willing to shoulder that very big, and very important responsibility.

If you feel that you and your vanilla friends have less and less in common, then find some friends in your local kink group (here is a link) and make some friends with submissives. Though, honestly….even if your vanilla friends can’t share in the details of your life, they’re still your friends and have been for (presumably) longer than he’s been in your life.

On 4-12 you also write about wanting TPE, and about how you want to be the slave he really wants. If he is limiting the interactions I don’t see how you CAN be in a TPE relationship (though I am loathe to even mention TPE due to the CM Pissing Contest thread). Now, I am far from an expert on TPE-- I don’t know that much about it at all… but it seem to be in order to have a Total Power Exchange, both must be present. Perhaps I am wrong.

My point being…. If he’s inconsistent in meeting your needs, how can you ever be the slave he wants?

I hope you’re not offended, as that was not my intention in the slightest. Best of luck!

~anne

< Message edited by KneelforAnne -- 7/25/2009 12:47:02 PM >

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 1:29:01 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Wouldnt you think by friday evening he would know if he wants me to come saturday. What are your thoughts on the matter?


My thoughts on the matter are that there isn't any point in asking us, because we don't know the guy. You need to figure out what you want, and then do it. Any frustrations you experience with a person, deal with them, none of that has anything to do with D/s or BDSM or sex or whatever, you have a problem, deal with it, deal with the person causing it, deal with your own needs and expectation. I can sit here and make sympathetic noises, but how is that helping you?

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 4:30:41 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB
Here it is after midnight friday and i dont know if i will be going tomorrow or not. i get so frustrated. Wouldnt you think by friday evening he would know if he wants me to come saturday. What are your thoughts on the matter?

My thought is that this is just plain shitty leadership. Fundamentally, leaving those we lead to dangle in the wind is bad strategy. It is equally bad strategy to fail to communicate our plans and intents to those we are expecting to follow same. Finally, it is the essence of leadership to make decisions so yeah... he kind of needs to be able to decide whether you're coming or not. Seriously, once in a while I end up saying "stay flexible" to Carol. We've all been there. BUt if this is habitual, then there's an issue in my mind.

Now, all that being said, is this habitual on his part or is it a moment in time? Is his life going crazy in some way?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 5:33:59 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So to recap; you can't see him, you can't see anyone else, and you get in trouble for talking to him wrongly but he refuses to tell you the right way to talk to him.
And this is a fulfilling and healthy relationship, why?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 5:49:40 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		What better way is there to make sure you have a standby in case you can't find something else or someone else to do?  Become a dominant and put a submissive on strict orders, claiming it is the domiance that provides the right to direct things with no respect to the submissive. Also, to keep her in line because that is what a submissive is to do.

Perfect example of a dick leading rather than a dominant one can respect.

You are making it far too easy on him to take advantage of you.



_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 8:21:38 PM   
JoeVanilla


Posts: 22
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline 		Lockit, love the new pic... and I tend to agree with your response.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: stay flexible - 7/25/2009 10:30:53 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes in relationships less is more, and uncertainty is the best spice. (The polar opposite is marriage -- certainty, routine, and promise of lifelong monogamy.)

Oddly the assumption that relationships are supposed to grow, become full time, and all encompassing -- can kill them.

The best coping mechanism I could recommend to you is to be balanced so that you do not become over reliant on your DOM and your time with him. This will make you more interesting to him, and your independence will change your problem in to a conquerable, winnable, rewarding challenge. From his point of view, too, instead of being needy, you will be sexy.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 7/25/2009 10:35:26 PM >

(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: stay flexible - 7/26/2009 3:24:54 PM   
jeninvegas


Posts: 79
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline 		Personally, I would never fall into this type of situation.  It would definitely drive me crazy and I think it is unfair he puts you through something like that.  I would be upfront and clear about what I want before beginning a relationship like that.  No, I'm not demanding anything, this is just what I expect out of a relationship of any kind.  Hopefully, you find your resolve soon, whatever that may be.  Best of luck.  

_____________________________

"If you're going through hell, keep going..." -Winston Churchill

"9 out of 10 guys like girls with big boobs; the 10th guy likes the 9 other men." --Just Shoot Me

"Baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun." Lady GaGa.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: stay flexible - 7/26/2009 4:53:31 PM   
maia09


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB

If its not what you want walk away seems to be the favored response around here. i dont want to walk away because things are not the way i want them. If that was the case i would change my profile to Dominant. i have talked with him and will continue to bring it up on occasion if he will allow it. Any suggestions on how to deal with it. Or may be why a Master would do that. Sometimes an understanding of why seems to help.


Greetings hallieB. i see you identify yourself as slave. i don't know what your perception of slave is or, more importantly, what your Master's perception is. For me, slavery is about surrender. That means i surrender my conditions, my need to be treated how i perceive is fair, considerate etc. It really doesn't matter what anyone here thinks. i recommend looking into your own heart.

Rather than ask your Master why He handles weekends the way He does, you may learn more by asking Him what His concept of slavery is. He is doing as He wishes to do. To me, that's what a Master does. As a slave who trusts my Master, i find much value in accepting how He does things and learning from it. i learn many things like humility, greater obedience and i learn mostly what is pleasing to Him, not if He's accommodating my wishes. But that is MY relationship and may not suit you. It took me a long time to stop questionning why He this and how come He that. Now all i need to know is it's what He wants.


_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman


(in reply to hallieB)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: stay flexible - 7/26/2009 6:22:41 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Have you talked to him about your problems?

I travel to see Master on the weekends but he almost always lets me know midweek what his schedule is and he knows I need to know so I can make my plans as well.

There are times though when life just gets in the way and sometimes I don't know until the last minute. When times like that comes up then I let him know if I can make it or not.

I would say if you're not the flexible type and that's what he requires then you may want to re-evaluate the relationship and if you're compatible or not in other areas of your lives together.

But you really need to talk to him about this problem. Only you and he can figure out this problem.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: stay flexible - 7/26/2009 8:51:55 PM   
maia09


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

My first thought would be you are not his first option. I am sorry, but his behavior would say that loud and clear if i were in your shoes.

Why are you putting up with this? I realize you feel it is not your "place" to do so, but i would give this fool a deadline. "With all do respect, Sir, you either confirm plans with me by Wednesday evening or you can consider me unavailable" And mean it.

You are not a doormat. Stop letting his walk all over you.
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

Yep, sometimes, it just sucks to be a slave. Yes, much of your life IS waiting on his whim. You can be disobedient or obedient. If you have nothing stopping you from seeing him then yes, if he wishes you to wait to see if he wishes to amuse himself with you this weekend or allow you access to him, then that's what you do. If he isn't sure, i would be PREPARED to go, but also have a backup plan incase it falls through. Its simply how you exist in his life and as his slave its understandable to be frustrated but in the end --- you will wait in his whim, he is the Master. Its his decision in the end. Is it hard sure, but that is how you exist in his life. It may change in the future, it may not.

It seems he is content at how he has determined things, if it is causing you a HARDSHIP versus just ansiness then suck it up in my opinion and be prepared to go but also be prepared if he decides in the end not to allow you access or doesn't wish to entertain himself with you.

It IS hard, but its also slavery at how he is determining it for you. You have a choice to be obedient or disobedient.

angel
very clear difference between a submissive (me) and a slave (Angel)





Yep! i agree. i agree with you re: difference between a sub and a slave and i also agree with angel. At least this is the way it is in our relationship. Be you a slave, decide who's will you are going to serve - you can't serve His and yours at the same time.



_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman


(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: stay flexible - 7/26/2009 10:22:27 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		~FR

Someone wise told me recently ... "we teach people how we want to be treated"

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to maia09)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: stay flexible - 7/27/2009 8:52:58 AM   
greenearth21


Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		one thing you should ask yourself is if the relationship and his approach to leadership is emotionally healthy for you. ( I looked up the other links posted by steven ...i agree : red flags)
If what you say is true or the situations you've posted are true, you might find yourself much happier with someone who is respectful of your time and respectful of the fact that you are submissive (theirs) to him and he is accountable for his actions and how they affect you.

I'll be damned if i'm waiting till 12 on a friday night to know if i'm going to see someone or not. Time is way too valuable to fret over such but as a sub, I can understand your feelings of frustration.

_____________________________

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: stay flexible - 7/29/2009 9:25:30 PM   
MMagic


Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

Although I agree there is a possibility this man is juggling more than one female, I don't think it helps the OP to jump to what may be very wrong conclusions.

Frankly I think there is too much of that in relationships. When you jump to a wrong conclusion and act accusatory, it does tend to make the other person defensive. And that is not a good atmosphere for clear communication.

To the OP:

I will try to explain what I mean by power struggle by using an example.

sub: Master, when will I see you again?
Master (a bit distracted by something: work, lack of caffiene, the basketball game): I don't know, we'll talk about it later.
sub: Please Master I need to know. Can I come over Friday night night?
Master (now slightly peeved): I said we will talk later.
sub (now sounding whiney): Master, please don't put me off right now. Just tell me one way or another, please. I'm fine if you don't want to see me. (not sounding in the least bit fine).
Master either doesn't respond, changes the topic, suddenly has to end the conversation....

What started as a slight distraction can snowball into a major power struggle in short order, and this is especially true in a rather inexperienced dominant (as well as some very experienced ones who should know better) who sees every minor blip as "topping from the bottom."

Nature abhors a vacuum and a person cannot top from the bottom unless you let them (JMO folks).

In my mind disagreements like this that revolve around how often a couple spends time together, chats on the phone, talks online, whatever, are symptoms that there is a power struggle going on. Almost certainly b/c a dominant got up on his high horse when he was questioned, and decided to take a hard line instead of looking beyond his own ego to his submissive's (often unspoken) need for security in some way.

Now did the whiney persistent tone of the submissive help set this power struggle in motion? Of course it did. But a good dominant understands that whiney persistence in an otherwise pleasing and obedient submissive means some needs are not getting met. And he deals with the underlying causes instead of getting bogged down in the minutia of a power struggle.


.









Beautifully put....


_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West



(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: stay flexible - 7/29/2009 11:02:57 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		If it's what you agreed to and you're unhappy: deal, renegotiate, or get out. 
If it's not what you agreed to and you're unhappy: deal, renegotiate, or get out. 
Frankly, I would not put up with such treatment but some folks might enjoy it. 
Each unto their own,
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: stay flexible - 7/30/2009 1:17:58 AM   
Saezure


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		In part, I agree Davan...and in part I agree with dimples...its not that he got on his high horse, but moreso that something is not right in this situation.  Either, it could be innocent (and he just doesn't know if His schedule will permit) or it could be something else (the attention of another sub/slave).  In which case, if it were agreed to that the sub would have sisters, then u either go with the agreement or walk away.

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: stay flexible Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094