Don't advise Me... Well then again...

Don't advise Me... Well then again... (Full Version)

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CatdeMedici -> Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 10:59:36 AM)
Ok Ladies, coming off the thread from Steel's 80/20 and the Fast Forward thread, here is My real challenge amd please know I am coming from this from honesty not arrogance and I need some suggestions to make it work or fix Me. I am a very smart Lady, travelled, pragmatic, full of common sense, I know allot about allot, and I know what works and what doesn't--I am far from a know it all-I seek out and do take advice when uts called for. My problem is the "ride to the rescue" that men always seem to put forth--mention a flat tire and they have 72 suggestions, mention a bug bite and they have 43 suggestions--mention anything and they move into that know it all instructional mode--with out being asked--this is the most annoying thing for Me from male subs--they immediately move into that " you don't know anything, i--the man know way more"---so My issue is, how do you manage that behavior, if I want advice or suggestions, I will ask for it, yet I do want to be able to talk about some issue/challenge/problem, but because I do, does not mean I need a solution--but an outlet to talk. Yet there are times when I would like opinions... How do you manage that balance?

UnseelieCourt -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:22:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici if I want advice or suggestions, I will ask for it, yet I do want to be able to talk about some issue/challenge/problem, but because I do, does not mean I need a solution--but an outlet to talk. Tell them this. Guys seem to be hardwired to fix things -- flat tires, small appliances, relationships -- if there's a problem, they go from 0 to Mr. Fixit in 2.5 seconds. If you don't want advice, just an outlet, let them know to shift focus. You may have to remind them frequently at first, but if it's a male sub, consider it part of training your boy. If it's just a male friend or family member, bite your tongue, smile, nod, and ignore the friendly advice unless advice is what you want. It's easier to let them feel useful than try to change them.

onlyfreelycaged -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:23:15 AM)
from what I've seen, men want to fix a problem. Lots of it isn't "I'm a man.. I know all.." it's more along the lines of "problem.. must fix" so.. telling them what you'd like. I'd recommend being and give examples. Then enforcing it... Just don't forget that talking about the how to fix something is there natural reaction, and it will take a while before they fell comfortable with not offering the advice.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:29:15 AM)
To be clear, re your own examples: if you had a flat tyre or a bug-bite, you wouldn't want suggestions on how to sort out those problems - you'd want sympathy and understanding?

Lockit -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:40:48 AM)
In this I can relate to men very much. I rush to fix. It can be irritating I am sure. I saw this a lot with men trying to fix me. When I know my situation well and have taken the time to know what I know, it can be very difficult to go through the basic's of someone just now entering and trying to fix it all. Been there... done that. I also know car's and fix it stuff in a house and can typically match whatever they say. I do try to gently let them know I am not ignorant to it. If I am ignorant to it, I welcome their input. I don't get upset because they try to help for the most part...unless they are telling me what to do. Then, they get a gentle reminder of my age and experience and to please not do that. Where women may be wanting to just vent or talk about it... men want to fix it. It seems to be our nature. I go more to fixing things than just wanting to vent or talk, but when it comes to my health or something.. then I am maybe just wanting to talk. I let people know I am just talking and not loooking for a solution when I do this.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:46:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer To be clear, re your own examples: if you had a flat tyre or a bug-bite, you wouldn't want suggestions on how to sort out those problems - you'd want sympathy and understanding? Correct, because in most situations, I know far better what to do , how to do it and how to fix it.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:54:32 AM)
Well, I might as well get the comment out of the way: I have the answer to the problem of 'know-it-all subs' who give unwanted solutions. But I'm not going to tell you it. So there.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 11:58:54 AM)
Seriously - I'd go with the suggestion, above, that you just tell the male in question that you don't want solutions but a listening-ear. When I've been told that, it's always been a relief. I've found sympathy easier to give (despite what I think is the standard belief, that it's harder).

DarkSteven -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 12:06:21 PM)
I'm on the other side of this dynamic. My ex wife used to complain that I wanted to fix things when all she wanted was someone to listen to her, Well, when I knew how to fix something, the last thing I wanted was to hear someone whine about how hard her life became because of it, for half an hour. She seemed to have a need to complain. Cat, if you know how to fix it already, were you just making conversation by mentioning this stuff?

Lockit -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 12:13:13 PM)
Talking about something doesn't have to mean complaining about something and going on and on about it. Not all women have a need to ruin their own day and someone's else's too! lol

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 12:17:32 PM)
Hell, tell me about it. An ex of mine used to complain constantly about how she just had to drive her car everywhere because she was at risk of attack if she walked. So I supplied her - at great personal risk, because they're illegal in the UK - with a tear-gas spray. She just left it at home, and eventually lost it.

Lashra -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 1:31:44 PM)
I am usually the one guility of doing this rather than my sub. I've been called on giving advice a few times. I did not mean to come off as a "know it all" but rather was trying to be helpful to the person. I think knowledge should be shared but not everyone is so receptive to it. I am currently learning to curb my free advice ways. As for men doing it, yeah they do. I think they just want to be helpful or seen as the "white knight". It really doesn't bother me unless they get really pushy about it. ~Lashra

thetammyjo -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 1:49:24 PM)
This attitude isn't a male thing -- it's the exact same attitude I have and I'm very much not male as even one quick glance would reveal. It's a way of connecting to people, one of many ways, probably stemming from not having the training to just feel with someone but instead a drive to make things better. If you don't like it, get out of relationships with those of us who do this or learn to ignore it or learn to say "to fix this I need you to validate my feelings" and see if they can learn. The only way to help another person understand what you want is to tell them what you want and not simply expect them to read your mind.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 2:05:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I'm on the other side of this dynamic. My ex wife used to complain that I wanted to fix things when all she wanted was someone to listen to her, Well, when I knew how to fix something, the last thing I wanted was to hear someone whine about how hard her life became because of it, for half an hour. She seemed to have a need to complain. Cat, if you know how to fix it already, were you just making conversation by mentioning this stuff? Yep, its just chit chat from the day, I don't whine and I don't go on about how hard anything is--I'm one of those who find humor in most things and laugh when I goof up--and I don't want to goof up this new relationship, yet I want him to feel he can/does help--after all, what is there to submit to if your Dominant is wonder Dominant. [8\|]

Lockit -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/25/2009 2:47:33 PM)
The outfit? [8\|]

CatdeMedici -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 12:36:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit The outfit? [8\|] ok THAT's priceless!

MsStarlett -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 4:23:08 AM)
All you 'Mr.Fixits' can move closer to me. I'll let you fix everything. I've got a very long list.

slavemick63 -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 4:29:47 AM)
I am a subby sub male,and I know Women know best.

LaTigresse -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 5:12:24 AM)
As other's have already said, to want to fix things for people we care about is rather hardwired into us. It takes effort to take the other route and keep our big mouths shut. It was a very concentrated effort for me, with my adult children. But something I knew I had to force myself to do. With practice, it becomes easier. As for the other side of the dynamic, I tend to just keep my mouth shut and not discuss my problems unless I need assistance. Generic Dude used to make me so damned angry, always giving away all that free "advice" then would get angry because I didn't tell him anything. I had to explain to him that I don't like be talked to like an idiot. Most of the time I already have a solution I think is far superiour to his and if he wanted me to keep him in the loop he was going to have to keep his condescending, typical Virgo male mouth SHUT. Unless of course I specifically asked him for his opinion.....which is rare. There is still an awful lot I don't tell him.........because as Jack once said "You can't handle the truth!!" edited to add....... and he knows he can't

CatdeMedici -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 6:34:44 AM)
I absolutely love this post LaT, in both the adult childern scenario which I am trying VERY hard to learn and not so successfully--YET and the guy role--so some sound advice here as well as with many others that have posted--but the sound of your post is exactly the space I come from!

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