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Female Led Relationships - 7/28/2009 3:23:44 PM

SweetSubBoy1985

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/15/2009
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Being in a relationship where the woman is in charge, and corporal punishment is common practice..This is the pseudo holy grail of my fantasies, and one that I would not think would be that difficult to attain. Is this something that dominant women truly look for? Or is predominantly a male held fantasy? I guess my question is whether there is someone on the other end of the equation looking for the same thing I am in the relationship?

Or is this just a far fetched fantasy....

Comments welcome of course!

Post #: 1

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/28/2009 3:31:58 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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This is just a fantasy, sorry to break it to you.

Why is it a fantasy? Because in a mutually affectionate relationship, a woman is not going to "punish" a masochist, or deliver corporal punishment as a deterrent when it's really part of the male fantasy. Next thing you know, the submissive is breaking rules and "behaving badly" just to earn punishment - and that's simply manipulation.

The good news is, femdoms do exist. And sadists exist. And variations in between. And these women have relationships with men, and yes, punishment, pain and all that nasty stuff play a role. But you won't see many women using "punishment" (to correct honestly bad behavior) on masochists; more often, they will use direct communication, or the removal of attention, to try to curb bad behavior. In my experience, the words, "You really disappointed me, and I'm hurt by your behavior," is FAR more effective punishment with a submissive than smacking his ass with a ruler and seeing him get an erection. He'll certainly run off and "break the rules" again, any time he feels like getting whacked in the ass.

Using spanking, corporal punishment, a man naked over my knee with his ass propped up while I go at him with a toy -- sure, that's VERY hot and exciting and at times a very regular part of my life. But it's not to punish bad behavior, unless we're roleplaying. I think, maybe, there have been times that I combine "funishment" with real punishment, but to be honest, if the man has a single masochistic bone in his body, it's all good to him, and I wouldn't want to risk sending mixed signals.

Real life femdom relationship don't quite look the way they are portrayed in BDSM porn that is developed and marketed to men/by men. I am an honest-to-goodness bondage enthusiast and sadist with a hunger to see a man suffer that is sometimes so distracting I can't get through a day. However, I don't behave in the manner portrayed in 99% of male-generated femdom porn, even though I have more bondage gear and sex toys than some pros.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SweetSubBoy1985)

Post #: 2

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/28/2009 7:28:19 PM

spokanesub85

Posts: 46
Joined: 7/27/2009
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I agree with AAkasha. As much as I would love to be with a woman who physically punishes me for every little indiscretion, it would not work, for the very reason that I would love it, and would misbehave in order to be punished. An effective punishment for me is to ignore me.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 3

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/28/2009 8:25:32 PM

XYisInferior

Posts: 166
Joined: 2/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSubBoy1985

Being in a relationship where the woman is in charge, and corporal punishment is common practice..This is the pseudo holy grail of my fantasies, and one that I would not think would be that difficult to attain. Is this something that dominant women truly look for? Or is predominantly a male held fantasy? I guess my question is whether there is someone on the other end of the equation looking for the same thing I am in the relationship?

Or is this just a far fetched fantasy....

Comments welcome of course!

Is it merely a fantasy, or something you take a little more seriously? Authoritive Women who administer corporeal punishment—for lifestyle structure or mere effect—of course exist. Are you looking for sensory play or are you someone who wishes to actually serve a Woman? That's one question I'd suggest starting with.

_____________________________

S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

Do your own homework. Write your own stuff.

(in reply to SweetSubBoy1985)

Post #: 4

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 3:30:27 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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I am in 100% agreement with AAkasha--- female lead? I do it everyday by virtue of who I am-- constant corporal punishment splits the dynamic in the opposite directions--he is continualy finding ways to get punished which means he isn't attending to Me or caring about doing things good for Me or in unison, and I am constantly focused on his behavior and his "fantasy fulfillment" punishment.

I tried it with one submissive, it was a very difficult, unpleasant, and short lived experience.

_____________________________

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to SweetSubBoy1985)

Post #: 5

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 5:47:56 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
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I think the naysayers here are overreacting in general, turning the OP's question into something different from the one he actually asked.

The OP said nothing aout "constant corporal punishment". That is very different from what the OP asked about, "a relationship where the woman is in charge, and corporal punishment is common practice." "Common practice" does not mean "constant", and in fact implies very little about frequency. It could mean once a month, once a week, once a day, or simply whenever the woman thinks it's necessary or desirable.

It is also not a complete fantasy, as previously stated. There clearly are relationships like the OP asks about, and whether anyone else considers them "true" femdom is not particularly relevant. Of course it makes no sense to use CP to punish a masochist for misbehaving. However, it does make sense if he's not a masochist, and the OP never said whether he was or wasn't. His desire for CP does not mean that he enjoys the pain; it may be quite the opposite. A lot of people don't enjoy pain, but are excited when it is used to reinforce the roles in a relationship, as a demonstration of control and dominance, or yes, possibly even to correct behavior. It is a case where something that really you don't like becomes something that you crave on an emotional level.

Call this role play or fantasy if you like. However, there's an element of role play and fantasy in almost everything we talk about regarding BDSM.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 9:05:45 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

I think the naysayers here are overreacting in general, turning the OP's question into something different from the one he actually asked.

The OP said nothing aout "constant corporal punishment". That is very different from what the OP asked about, "a relationship where the woman is in charge, and corporal punishment is common practice." "Common practice" does not mean "constant", and in fact implies very little about frequency. It could mean once a month, once a week, once a day, or simply whenever the woman thinks it's necessary or desirable.

It is also not a complete fantasy, as previously stated. There clearly are relationships like the OP asks about, and whether anyone else considers them "true" femdom is not particularly relevant. Of course it makes no sense to use CP to punish a masochist for misbehaving. However, it does make sense if he's not a masochist, and the OP never said whether he was or wasn't. His desire for CP does not mean that he enjoys the pain; it may be quite the opposite. A lot of people don't enjoy pain, but are excited when it is used to reinforce the roles in a relationship, as a demonstration of control and dominance, or yes, possibly even to correct behavior. It is a case where something that really you don't like becomes something that you crave on an emotional level.

Call this role play or fantasy if you like. However, there's an element of role play and fantasy in almost everything we talk about regarding BDSM.

Punishment in the form of fetish play of any kind does not work as an effective problem-solving tool in mutually affectionate relationships. It can cause confusion, mixed signals and resentment. Unless it's "make believe" punishment where both parties are both acknowledging that the minor infraction was addressed properly and understood, the result of using kinky play to address bad behaviors just reinforces it.

More importantly, if a kinky sub ever wants to have something like corporal punishment play a REGULAR role in his relationship, why not associate it with positive behavior and not negative? If it's supposed to be "punishment," it's safe to say that the smoother, the more serene the relationship the less he will ever see of this punishment. I can't count on two fingers (well, maybe even one) how many times in my current relationship I have honestly been upset with my partner; does that mean that if he was, on some level, a fan of corporal punishment, he'd be looking at an 8+ year drought of this kind of enforcement?

In functional, happy relationships there's much less "punishment" (read: none, if it's a really good one) than "play." I would rather a submissive drop his fantasy ideals that he gets spanked with a hairbrush or paddled 15 times for forgetting to pick up his socks, so I can know that either his socks are always picked up or he's just not just doing it to get a rise out of me; then I can put him over my knee and spank his ass until he cries just because it gets me off, and just "invent" some reason do it, which we both know is part of the game.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 7

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 9:22:51 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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In your own words:

quote:

Using spanking, corporal punishment, a man naked over my knee with his ass propped up while I go at him with a toy -- sure, that's VERY hot and exciting and at times a very regular part of my life.

Case closed.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 8

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 9:59:48 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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I think it is more a disagreement on the meaning of "punishment". I think most Ladies take the word as a bad thing and that is understandable. I think the term "corporal punishment" is a category of discipline and I suspect that the OP meant it in that way.

Regardless, I think we can most agree that "punishment" for bad behavior is a bad thing and not something to be pursued - even by a masochist, nor tolerated by a dominant Lady.

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(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 9

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 10:02:42 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

spokanesub said it ~ ignoring someone is a far more effective approach. Punishment is a lot of work and sounds kind of angry. I can do 'stern' but 'angry' is hard on the chi.

Sweetsub.. perhaps you could refine your vision to 'a female-led relationship in which the Ma'am is a bit of a sadist and she just loves to work me over because she just really enjoys it'.

I'm a huge fan of spanking, flogging, wax/ice play, CBT, and every other thing that takes my fancy. My stiletto'd foot on a boy's balls and the 8" dildo strapped into my harness within his line of sight is a lot more fun (for me, anyway) than whatever message I'd care to get across with part of a 2x4. :)

_____________________________

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"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to SweetSubBoy1985)

Post #: 10

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 10:17:33 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

In your own words:

quote:

Using spanking, corporal punishment, a man naked over my knee with his ass propped up while I go at him with a toy -- sure, that's VERY hot and exciting and at times a very regular part of my life.

Case closed.

NEVER as a way to deter bad behavior, big difference. HUGE difference.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 11

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 10:20:47 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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I keep trying to work out a way that punishment could be fun and still be punishment (versus funishment). I can't quite manage it despite the fact that I've come to believe that being a sub is essentially about having paradoxical drives.

'Stern, though not angry' seems a vaguely helpful phrase. Funishment, but done sternly. Make her laugh by taking the P out of her, then wait till she wipes the smile of my face later, for instance. Something like that.

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(in reply to MsFlutter)

Post #: 12

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 10:25:48 AM

AAkasha

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I keep trying to work out a way that punishment could be fun and still be punishment (versus funishment). I can't quite manage it despite the fact that I've come to believe that being a sub is essentially about having paradoxical drives.

'Stern, though not angry' seems a vaguely helpful phrase. Funishment, but done sternly. Make her laugh by taking the P out of her, then wait till she wipes the smile of my face later, for instance. Something like that.

Sadly, it can't, not with a masochist. I used to think I was a pretty smart femdom many years ago in a relationship where I had an arrangement with my sub/maso boyfriend where "minor" infractions could be punished by some sort of pain play, as long as he acknowledged that he'd not do it again. Bigger issues in the relationship were always handled through discussions, but little things could be dealt with via punishment + a reminder to correct it. Soon enough, he was "oopsing" a lot, and it was clearly during times when my energy level was low and he wasn't getting as much play as he would have liked, so since I wasn't doing take-downs and bondage play, he'd act out. It's human nature. Best to just avoid it all together and keep funishment for what it is.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 13

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 11:12:14 AM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
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I believe there are relationships designed around a 'domestic discipline' dynamic which have little to do with 'kink'. I believe there are a set of written rules, which the partners agree to and sign as a contract. Certain punishments with specific implements for listed infractions. Try a search with those key words.

I say, "I believe" because I had a friend who was helping a couple shoot video and build a website around such things. He gave me a bit of input, but it really didn't seem to be my thing. I like the kink. I'm a sadist. The 'funishment' ....his taking pain, and suffering, IS what get's me off. Our high energy play time, creates an amazing bond between us, which doesn't need a set of written rules as a portal. His service (defined in many ways) is what contributes to me feeling loved and valued.

XY mentioned a dynamic for 'lifestyle' structure. OP - are you looking for a long-term, live together, build a life together type of relationship, or a less emotionally intimate, more physical/punishment situation?

I agree 100% with the posters who refuse to reward bad bahavior.

Peon, it sounds like a touch of humiliation (where you are uncomfortable and not having 'fun') drizzled over a dose of physical suffering might be what you're looking for? A shared activity like that wouldn't promote mis-behaving on your part in the least, as the motivation would be your suffering for Her pleasure....a very positive reinforcement to enhance a relationship. Her timing of the activity would be the key. It's really quite simple...you are just looking for a loving, nurturing Sadista :)

_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 14

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 1:51:40 PM

PeonForHer

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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Peon, it sounds like a touch of humiliation (where you are uncomfortable and not having 'fun') drizzled over a dose of physical suffering might be what you're looking for? A shared activity like that wouldn't promote mis-behaving on your part in the least, as the motivation would be your suffering for Her pleasure....a very positive reinforcement to enhance a relationship. Her timing of the activity would be the key. It's really quite simple...you are just looking for a loving, nurturing Sadista :)

Thanks for articulating that, Sthrn. Nicely put. Sounds good to me. Very good, in fact.

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 3:13:54 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

In your own words:

quote:

Using spanking, corporal punishment, a man naked over my knee with his ass propped up while I go at him with a toy -- sure, that's VERY hot and exciting and at times a very regular part of my life.

Case closed.

NEVER as a way to deter bad behavior, big difference. HUGE difference.

Akasha

So what? The OP didn't even specify that he meant it in that way. And frankly, some people do use it that way, successfully, and happily. To each his/her own.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 16

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 3:46:40 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

In your own words:

quote:

Using spanking, corporal punishment, a man naked over my knee with his ass propped up while I go at him with a toy -- sure, that's VERY hot and exciting and at times a very regular part of my life.

Case closed.

NEVER as a way to deter bad behavior, big difference. HUGE difference.

Akasha

So what? The OP didn't even specify that he meant it in that way. And frankly, some people do use it that way, successfully, and happily. To each his/her own.

How come these people never post about how this is successful, yet femdoms line up to say it's not a good thing to reinforce bad behavior with this kind of punishment?
Where are these people?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 17

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/29/2009 3:51:27 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSubBoy1985

Being in a relationship where the woman is in charge, and corporal punishment is common practice..This is the pseudo holy grail of my fantasies, and one that I would not think would be that difficult to attain. Is this something that dominant women truly look for? Or is predominantly a male held fantasy? I guess my question is whether there is someone on the other end of the equation looking for the same thing I am in the relationship?

Or is this just a far fetched fantasy....

Comments welcome of course!

You're just running the full gamut of postings now, aren't you?

(in reply to SweetSubBoy1985)

Post #: 18

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/30/2009 2:47:37 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t

... I like the kink. I'm a sadist. The 'funishment' ....his taking pain, and suffering, IS what get's me off. Our high energy play time, creates an amazing bond between us, which doesn't need a set of written rules as a portal. His service (defined in many ways) is what contributes to me feeling loved and valued.

Peon, it sounds like a touch of humiliation (where you are uncomfortable and not having 'fun') drizzled over a dose of physical suffering might be what you're looking for? A shared activity like that wouldn't promote mis-behaving on your part in the least, as the motivation would be your suffering for Her pleasure....a very positive reinforcement to enhance a relationship. Her timing of the activity would be the key. It's really quite simple...you are just looking for a loving, nurturing Sadista :)

Sthrn - brilliant - absolutely bang-on brilliant summation. You said exactly what I was thinking! Thank you for the mind candy !!

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 19

RE: Female Led Relationships - 7/30/2009 4:49:39 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Nice insight on the situation ladies.

As you know, my husband is (mostly) vanilla. There is no way I would strike him as a punishment, although I must had admit that I have struck him a time or two in 23 years, usually out of anger. His punishments normally take the form of a tongue lashing (something akin to good old fashioned nagging to a full blown screaming hissy fit) or to be ignored. When he REALLY screws up, his punishment is to be told to leave because this is MY house. It's an inheritance and it's in MY name. So he damn well knows that it really is My Way or the Highway.

For subs, it's a face slap. Quick, slightly painful, humiliating. Gets the point across that they are in the wrong. Beatings are a reward. We cannot confuse the two.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to MsFlutter)

Post #: 20

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