RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (Full Version)

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eyesopened -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 12:42:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

For those that refuse to give any real proof of life how do you go about actually getting to know someone? Do you require they give you what you will not give them?

Seriously how do you meet people with all the secrets involved?

Steel


Again, I go to events.  I don't ask for things that I'm not willing to give when first starting out.  Usually, it's offered, so it's not that big of a deal.  It allows Me to block My number if necessary.



I've gone to events and never met a soul.  However anyone who refused to meet me at and event or in a public place rather quickly into our conversations, I wrote off as not being serious or at least not seeking the same relationship goals as I.

I don't need to see someone's driver's license, or other legal documentation.  I don't need to know where they work.  I don't need to know where they live.  I do need to know that they were sincere enough to want to get face to face as soon as possible.   I've always trusted my gut regarding the person sitting across from me at the [coffee shop, restaurant, flea market, whatever].  Most of the time I didn't get an impression that the person was dishonest, bad, predatory; just not someone who interested me enough to meet a second time.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 12:46:14 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

For those that refuse to give any real proof of life how do you go about actually getting to know someone? Do you require they give you what you will not give them?

Seriously how do you meet people with all the secrets involved?

Steel



Why is not wanting phone numbers and 4 photos in certain positions secrets? I don't get that. Anyways as everyone else has said I get to know them by meeting them. I establish fairly early on if I want to meet someone if thay dont seem keen I move on.



marie2 -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 1:17:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

what methods do you require to show proof of life and how accepting of these mathods are the people you contact?

Steel


I don't have a specific method or demand of someone.  I usually go by my gut instincts, which thus far have never led me astray.  This isn't to say I've always listened to the inner voice, but it's always been there navigating these types of things.

If I don't feel someone is safe, I don't give out my info, regardless of what they ask for.  Sometimes the trust comes in stages and degrees, and I give little by little....For instance, I might give my cell phone number instead of my house number right way.  On the other hand if I feel that the person is completely safe, I'll give my house number right away.  I've also broken the "meet in public" rule twice so far when I've had first time meetings in my own home.  Mostly I really don't worry about shit like this.  I can trust others because I trust myself to make that judgement call.

What do I expect from someone?  I expect them to trust me when they feel they can.  If for some reason, after a considerable amount of time they still can't trust me with their info, then I know they have something to hide.  I can deal with someone in the beginning telling me they aren't ready to divulge personal info, but I can't deal with it for too long, because it's an indication that they can't trust themselves to make a rational decision about something very basic in their life.  And giving false info would be an immediate turn-off and a deal breaker for me as soon as I found out that it was bullshit.

So for me, it's not about putting demands out there, it's more about giving a person room, and waiting to see what they will or will not offer on their own.  That seems to tell me a lot more.



AnimusRex -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 2:24:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

For those that refuse to give any real proof of life how do you go about actually getting to know someone? Do you require they give you what you will not give them?

Seriously how do you meet people with all the secrets involved?

Steel


Actually, I have found that pictures can be a distraction- as with all Men, a pretty face can blind Me to My better instincts.

People usually reveal their true nature through their written voice; after a very short time, it becomes apparent who is a drama queen, who is juggling multiple relationships, who is emotionally or mentally unstable, etc.

Meeting people, like job interviews, can be misleading since people are on their first date behavior; exchanging emails and chat over a period of time allows you to catch people in their true, unguarded moments.

Whenever I speak to new submissives, I advise them to do exactly that- ask for real life information from a Man, while not giving it themselves; this is due to what I mentioned earlier, that women fear violence from Men, while Men only fear embarrassment.

And of course, there is no foolproof method of safeguarding against frauds; but this is nothing new or unique to BDSM or the Internet. All good things come with some risk.



windchymes -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 2:41:05 PM)

I think Merc said it best.  If someone is online pretending they're something too good to be true, then they're probably the ones balking about giving out "proof" of who they are and what they claim to be.  Those of us honestly hoping that what we're looking for comes along, then we play the game.....email a little, talk on the phone at least once, set up a time to meet, and then meet again if nothing repulses us.

Most people who are just average Joe's here just want to meet someone and have some kind of relationship with them, be it friends, dates, hot monkey sex, BDSM club scenes or any combination of the above.  If they're representing themselves as the hot sexy mama or daddy who has found their dream girl or boy and it's YOU, but then they evade every request to give you any kind of information about themselves, then they're probably just some wanker.  Forget about them.

Remember, Angelina and her friends most likely aren't on here seriously looking for partners.  They don't have to be. 



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 2:43:24 PM)

I wonder how many women ask for a full body shot.  I have nothing to hide but I have always found that question insulting and demeaning.  Pics can be faked too, ya know.   



SteelofUtah -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 3:09:48 PM)

I guess I need to explain better WHY I ask for what I ask.

Most Full Body Shots done by a Model Shoot will be in a series of specific poses and lead offs with direction of the Photographer if you know what to look for you can ask certain questions about the picture such as if they ever did modeling because this full body is comepletely posed and I was wondering where you learned lead off positions.

The reason for 4 is because I want to see Variety in the shots, I want to see that clothes and Makeup Change I want to see that all the pictures were not from the same shoot, I am also looking for signs of Professional Lighting which I have received MANY MANY MANY Times. I have been given a series of Photos that were directly out of the Met-Art Magazine I have on my harddrive. I am looking for signs of deception. If I find none then awsome if I find some I will ask about it.

As for the Natural Sex at Birth it is because I have met lots of people who hide it until there is a bond that somehow finding out that you have been lied to won't matter if you like them enough. I just want to get it out of the way RIGHT UP FRONT. No way to lie about it no out if they do lie about it.

Finally I think I gave the impression that if they do not do exactly what I have listed then the get left at the way side. No that is not the case I know some people have reasons and I am willing to give the benifit of a doubt but only for so long . If they cannot produce acceptable proof of life I simply will not continue on trying to get to know them. Again if you have followed my threads you will know that I move quickly and make decisions about how I feel quickly if I have to wait more than a Month for proof of life then I really just don't want to invest in something that right up front looks like it will fail me.

That whole Gut Insinct it a good thing but I have to ignore my Gut Instinct at times because I am more inclined to believe that someone is going to flake then follow through so I try really hard to accet what I am being told until is starts to fall apart. Then I walk.

Steel



BKSir -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 3:15:03 PM)

I will admit that I do agree with some of these ideas, but not all.  I don't mind talking with someone online for months without knowing exactly what they look like or anything like that.  As, I like to start out as friends and if something should happen to move forward from there, that's a bridge that can be crossed when it's come to.

With my pet, I did require that he sent me some proof of age, after about 7 months of us knowing eachother, and finally starting to discuss seriously his moving here to be with us.  I had, at that point, seen a picture of him... well, a few, and verified it via webcam, although, we didn't "cam" in the sense that many here would think.  We simply would chat via IM and have the cams on to see eachother.  He looks very young, so, I was concerned.  I asked him to scan his passport, and demanded that he black out everything except for his picture and date of birth.  As he'd already told me what his birthday was far prior to that, I figured that would be more than sufficient.  I normally wouldn't have asked this, but, since he would be coming down from canada, I wanted to know he was over 18 for certain, as I REALLY don't think I'd like to get involved in a federal crime or international incident.  Spending a number of years in a federal penetentiary is not something that ranks very high on my list of things I want to experience.

Talking on the phone, that took a long while.  Again though, we already were able to verify the gender of eachother via other means.  One of the problems with telephone contact is that, again, he was in canada.  Another being that I absolutely hate talking on the telephone.  I have a cell phone, and at least 50% of the minutes our household receives each month end up as rollover for the next month.  I think I may use about 45 minutes total every month.  The most I ever used was around 180ish, and that was the month that my mother passed away.

I can certainly understand wanting proof of who someone is, if things are going to develop into more than just someone you chat with online.  But again, with me, I like to take things slowly, and after 5 or 6 months of talking with someone every day, 90% of all of the questions become pretty well answered if one pays any sort of attention.

It does come down to honesty though.  I require that from my pet, my partner(s), my friends and everyone else I acquaint myself with.  I expect full honesty.  That doesn't mean I want to be told every last stupid little detail about someone's life, every moment of every day.  I really don't give a shit about what my friend Holly had for lunch today.  I do, however, think I would like to know if she spent time in jail for bank robbery and nun rape, or whatever.  Which, to my knowledge, she hasn't.  I'm pretty sure she's a real she, but as someone else here mentioned, unless my hand is going to be down her pants (which it's not, I'm gay and she's lesbian, and she's probably slap the green flaming christ out of me if I tried), I don't give a damn what's down there.

So, I suppose, it really all ends up coming back to what you're looking for in that particular relationship with that particular person, and your own personal comfort and trust levels.  Different for every person everywhere I guess.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 3:57:46 PM)

~FR~
Having had my daughter assaulted and stabbed -inside- our own home, by an individual who knew -exactly- when we would be leaving for work, etc., I am reluctant to give out our address to just anyone. On the other hand, I tend to prefer to meet people -quickly-, in public circumstances, when it can be arranged.

I do not have a 'method' for confirming individuals online -- if I have no relationship with them beyond what they are online, then they -are- exactly what they present themselves to be in that environment to me, and I will treat them as such. If they intend to be active in my flesh-life, and they are not who or what they say they are, then I will find out at the point at which we become acquainted in the flesh-world, and they will no longer be considered... but until they are tangible people to me, and their false faces impact our physical household, I will accept, at face value, the person that they claim themselves to be, and will arrange my own behavior accordingly. As I already do not give money or personal information to strangers, allowing those who are online for the purpose of fantasy to retain their fantasies does me no harm whatsoever.

Dame Calla



AlexandraLynch -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 4:21:32 PM)

I don't like telephones. But this is because I have some issues with auditory processing. However, if it makes someone happy to talk to me on the phone early in the game, okay, I can do that. 



LadyPact -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 4:28:17 PM)

Yes, I already know that I'm not part of the demographic.  [8D]

Seriously though, I had to go back and think about this for a while.  Out of probably hundreds of shots that I have of Myself, I'd be lucky to dig up four that were full body shots.

Just sayin'.



cornflakegirl -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 4:34:36 PM)

I don't like the phone, because my kid is usually home and really he doesn't need to hear Mommy chatting with strange men on the internet, and because it's my work phone and my only phone and guys have gone wacko calling me and leaving 10 messages a day demanding to know where I am because I didn't answer the phone when I only just talked to them yesterday!

If a man is not understanding of my need to take things slow and get to know each other online then he is probably not a great match for me anyway. That's ok, we won't all be great matches for each other. :)



marie2 -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 4:36:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah


The reason for 4 is because I want to see Variety in the shots, I want to see that clothes and Makeup Change I want to see that all the pictures were not from the same shoot, I am also looking for signs of Professional Lighting which I have received MANY MANY MANY Times. I have been given a series of Photos that were directly out of the Met-Art Magazine I have on my harddrive. I am looking for signs of deception. If I find none then awsome if I find some I will ask about it.

As for the Natural Sex at Birth it is because I have met lots of people who hide it until there is a bond that somehow finding out that you have been lied to won't matter if you like them enough. I just want to get it out of the way RIGHT UP FRONT. No way to lie about it no out if they do lie about it.

Finally I think I gave the impression that if they do not do exactly what I have listed then the get left at the way side. No that is not the case I know some people have reasons and I am willing to give the benifit of a doubt but only for so long . If they cannot produce acceptable proof of life I simply will not continue on trying to get to know them. Again if you have followed my threads you will know that I move quickly and make decisions about how I feel quickly if I have to wait more than a Month for proof of life then I really just don't want to invest in something that right up front looks like it will fail me.

That whole Gut Insinct it a good thing but I have to ignore my Gut Instinct at times because I am more inclined to believe that someone is going to flake then follow through so I try really hard to accet what I am being told until is starts to fall apart. Then I walk.

Steel


I'll tell ya Steel, if I had ever spoken to someone who demanded particular types of photos as if to deem me guilty until proven innocent, I'd tell them to fuck off.   Why not accept whatever photo they give and then draw your assessement from that if it appears to be fake or deceptive.  If someone is going to send me an old or misleading photo, then I guess I will just rule them out, and consider it a favor that they showed their true colors early on.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea of making demands of proof upon strangers who owe me nothing.

Put the time in and take the risk like everyone else. 



GreedyTop -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 5:12:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I rely totally on my instincts. They have never let me down before.


gotta agree with this.

SOme people I'll give info to at first 'meet', whether thats online or off.  some I wait a bit. 

The only times I've had problems were when I DID NOT listen to what my gut was telling me.



seababy -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 5:24:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I rely totally on my instincts. They have never let me down before.


Not me. I am always second guessing my intuition.

Sometimes my gut instinct is spot on.
Other times what I am assuming is a perceptive and almost psychic ability to sum up the situation at hand is no more than too much cabbage for lunch.

I usually run things by a friend or two just to get perspective.



SteelofUtah -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 6:44:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

I'll tell ya Steel, if I had ever spoken to someone who demanded particular types of photos as if to deem me guilty until proven innocent, I'd tell them to fuck off.   Why not accept whatever photo they give and then draw your assessement from that if it appears to be fake or deceptive.  If someone is going to send me an old or misleading photo, then I guess I will just rule them out, and consider it a favor that they showed their true colors early on.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea of making demands of proof upon strangers who owe me nothing.

Put the time in and take the risk like everyone else. 


You know I get this a lot and I always find it funny. I am not charging anyone with being guilty. I am simply asking, requesting even, that they supply me with some pictures. My Reasons for the pictures vary from person to person.

I must however point out a gender difference, just like with females on collar me getting contacted by 100's of horny men looking for a kinky good time to get their dick wet and their butts spanked. Men get to deal with the 100's of non-response and of the ones that do respond the ones that are really Men, or Transexuals lying about thier gender wondering why it's such a big deal. Men get to deal with the girls who NEVER want to take this offline but will say whatever it takes to keep the guy interested. Guys deal with receiving Model Pictures of women to keep them interested and then when the relationship progresses to a point where they are actually connecting and she admits that she is really nothing at all like the pictures that he saw but that the person he got to know is who she really is so looks shouldn't be that important. And when the guy does drop her it is always assumed it is because of her looks and not because she lied to him which is the real issue.

So by asking for Photos I just get past the wasted time (And yes it is wasted time when dealing with someone who cannot be honest about themselves) that is spent. If I were to add up the two months that people usually waste on people who lie and bullshit the reality of who they are I can say I have easily wasted 1 to 2 years of my life on people that could not supply the VERY REASONABLE requests that I make. I will give exactly what I ask for. I will give you as many pictures of me as you like. I'll even take a Picture with Todays Paper to prove that it is Recent, I am willing to give my phone number and teach them how to block their number so that even if I wanted to call them back I would be unable to. I am EVEN willing to meet them on their terms, at a place of their choice with as many of thier friends as the like.

marie, maybe you and I would not be a match because if you were not willing to meet my comfort level yet expected me to meet yours then yes we would be automatically incompatable.

The truth of the matter is I get that everyone has different rituals for Proof of life and guess what that may be the simple defining factor that makes two people who would be perfect for one another apart but in the end everyone has their own issues.

Anyone who has followed my posts knows that I like to go from Hello to Meeting VERY quickly sometimes that makes two people incompatable, all I know is I have my rituals for meeting and oether people have theirs this thread was about people sharing what they do to confirm proof of life.

Steel



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 6:48:56 PM)

I think Steel that sometimes life actually gets in the way. Sometimes we do not actually ask for all these things because we just 'know'



SteelofUtah -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 6:54:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

I think Steel that sometimes life actually gets in the way. Sometimes we do not actually ask for all these things because we just 'know'


Oh this is VERY true. There are times I just take everything how it comes it is only when something is Fishy that I move onto my whole proof of life. If there is something off then I will start in trying to find out the truth, however is nothing seems fishy or if there is ample proof on their profile to begin with or if there is a valid reason not to be able to call (Mind you there are very FEW valid reasons in my book) then I just let it go and take it where it goes.

I don't believe in stone written rules as things change all the time.

Steel



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/9/2009 8:59:12 PM)

nothing is ever 100 percent if it was we would all be perfect



CaringandReal -> RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts (8/10/2009 5:58:25 PM)

quote:

As a woman who meets men off the internet I have very strict rules for my protection. I decide if we meet, where we meet and when although I do take into consideration the area where people live and their schedule. You don't get my picture, phone number or anything that you can track me with. I'm as careful with my liscence plate as I can be. If you can't understand that this protects not only me but you then you are probably not the type of person anyone will get along with. Neither of us has anything to lose but a short amount of time sitting where ever. I NEVER let myself get into a private situation until I know a person a while. I have these rules because I have had trouble with men before. As for my picture, my job is not the type that I can spread my face all over the internet.

Each person has their own circumstances but all must be careful. Woman have to be far more careful than men. Anyone that tries to poo poo my caution is rejected as having the potential to be trouble. If your rushing and can't be cautious your inviting trouble.


Excellent post, Graciouslady. I feel close to the same things.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

For those that refuse to give any real proof of life how do you go about actually getting to know someone? Do you require they give you what you will not give them?

Seriously how do you meet people with all the secrets involved?

Steel


And how, exactly, do you meet people with all the rigid rules involved?

I can answer that another way. I think I understand your impatience, but I also think you are doing what I see so many people on the collarme personals doing: cutting themselves off from potentially wonderful contacts with rules and restrictions and "they must do that's" and "they must do this's." You'll tend to attract a certain type of personality with your rules, and if that is the personality you like, more power to you. But others, who might be very good submissives but just reserved, loathe their bodies, had bad experiences with giving out too much information to men too soon, or all of the above will never be a part of your sphere. A lot of women online have genuine fear of male contact and need to reassure themselves that you are safe before they give up the goods, even little goods like a phone number.

My experience has universally been that the men I spend any time talking to online have never had the slightest difficulty telling that I was female and have never demanded proof. Perhaps they have instincts? It's likely, as I'm drawn to and more likely to chat/email with perceptive types. And these men were all fine with waiting for me to be comfortable with doing voice (we usually did it online to save us both some long-distance charges, but sometimes it was over the phone), although a few (in particular, those who have a fetish for shy girls and like to mess with their heads!) playfully teased me about it. With that easy, unpressured approach, I spoke with them much sooner than I ever would have with some brash, impatient stranger who demanded such details within his own short timeline. The latter types spook me and make me feel very stressed. I cut them off quickly. The other types sail right in under my radar.

I guess this boils down to a matter of preference. I guess you find the type of submissive you prefer through your methods, and the other types, well, some of them find me. :)



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