SweetPoosy
Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
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Prinsexx, you continue to tell us that we are not on "The Subject", but I've gone back and re-read your original post, and all you stated in that post was the situation you were faced with, but you never really posed a question, except in the title of the post. So it was inevitable that instead of divining your intent, people would respond immediately with excellent advice to try to help you through a very difficult time, even though you have stated that it wasn't advice you were after.
What then were you after? Why did you come here tonight and lay this situation in front of the members of this forum? What is it that you are looking for? Absolution? Approval? More verbal asswhuppings because after all, you are a masochist, and words can be as sharp as steel, and cut far, far deeper. Can our words cut deeply enough to get to the heart of your problems...to rip off the unhealed scabs, expose them to the light of day where they may, in time heal?
Do you want to heal?
Here is what I am perceiving from what you have written...
First, you have a burden of guilt for exposing your children to an abusive parent, and you fear that the cycle of abuse is just continuing.
Second, you are angry at your daughter for "siding" with her father, when she should have been able to see that he was an abuser, and not worthy of her regard. That anger at her has apparently not been addressed, and it needs to be, because it appears that you are "blaming the victim".
You are consistently denigrating therapy, and saying that your child is "too smart" for it, or she knows it is available but she is refusing it, but where did she get her attitudes towards counseling? Yeah, it may not help, but it might...you simply don't know for sure. But if YOU are saying it's a bunch of horsepucky, then she will naturally follow your lead. You are, after all, her mother, and she loves you and believes in your "Momness", no matter what happened in the past.
Third, no you don't have a "normal" lifestyle, but just because your child is making poor choices at a young age doesn't necessarily mean that she will follow in your footsteps. I think it helps to understand that every person on the planet can be classified as dominant, submissive, or neutral. How people express that nature varies greatly, from simply being a bit obsequious to others, to being caned black and blue, or from being a wee bit domineering and commanding to being a full on 24/7 Dom/me.
You mentioned that you would have a really big problem if your daughter chose to be a submissive who enjoys physical abuse. Why is that a problem for you? If she is an adult, then that is her choice, and her life. We cannot live our children's lives for them, all we can to is raise them well, and support them as best we can.
The biggest problem that I, and damned near everyone else here is having is that your daughter is not in a D/s relationship...she is in an abusive relationship. If she was an 18 year old exploring her sexuality and her submissiveness, we'd all be trying to help her along in her journey, just as we do with any other young person on these boards.
But that isn't the case. She is a young person who has been raised with domestic abuse, and she doesn't know how to recognize love without abuse attached. And all of us would like to see her learn that distinction.
You were abused. You have tried to live with the consequences, and you tried to protect your children and escape that abuse. Kudos to you. It isn't easy to escape the cycle of abuse. You now know what to look for, and when you see the signs of abuse versus consensual pain, you walk away...or at least, I hope you do.
So should you, as your daughter's parent, drop your mask and reveal your darkest secrets in the interest of educating her in the differences? I don't believe that it is necessary to do so, though you can if you like. You can speak to her hypothetically, and point out the difference in the love/abuse cycle versus the chosen lifestyle of submission, and allow her to see the difference.
I do suggest that for her sake, document her injuries and photograph them. When she forgets just how bad it was, show her the photos. When HE has calmed down, show him the photos. You say that he has made amazing strides in straightening out his life, and that is wonderful. But sweeping this under the rug does him no favors. Make sure that he faces the results of his anger at some later time. The shame may just be what he needs to learn how to control himself.
And as for him "learning some lessons" from the military, don't count on it...at least not any GOOD lessons about avoiding DV. My eldest daughter is a 911 (999) operator in a Southern California county, where there is a large Marine base and also a large Naval installation. We were discussing the whole domestic abuse situation about three nights ago, and these young men who go into the military are not always given the training to avoid becoming violent at home. Regardless of the consequences, DV is a huge problem in our military, and somehow I don't imagine that it is any different in your armed services.
I also want to digress here to mention something else about 16 year old males. There are many studies which prove that the male brain matures more slowly that the female brain, and the connection between action-consequence isn't fully developed until closer to the age of 20, which is why it is young males who have more stupid car accidents based on their failure to understand that stupid action=bad result. I think it is the awareness of these studies which has caused people on here to say quite simply that the young man in question lacks the maturity to go into the military.
Prinsexx, I am a mom to two girls, one is 26, the other will be 21 next week. I know about abuse, but in my case it was sexual and emotional, and I understand about the self-anger for allowing a predator to victimize my children. I understand the anger a child has towards a parent for failing to protect them from that abuse, and the anger I also had that my children didn't trust me enough to confide in me before it was too late to prosecute the bastard.
I know what it's like to live in a poor county, and to have a District Attorney say that it's he said/she said, and they can't prosecute him because it's unlikely they will get a conviction. I know what it is to promise your children that their abuser will be brought to justice, only to have that promise stuffed right back down your throat. I know what it is to have your children go to counseling that doesn't seem to do a damned thing for them.
I know what it is to see an abuser and to understand exactly where his abusive nature stemmed from, and to know that he went through hell as a child before he became in his turn an abuser. I've faced him in private and urged him to get the help he needs before he offends again, because he WILL offend again.
I didn't succeed in anything I tried...but I DID try. I did everything in my power to make the wrong right. And I failed. But my children know that I did everything I could once I knew what happened. And in the end, succeed or fail, it's the trying that counts.
Sorry that I appear to go "off topic" but I felt that you need to know where I've been to understand my take on this situation.
In the end, remember that your daughter may have a very submissive nature, but that doesn't mean that she will be a collared sub now or ever. She will do whatever she is meant to do this lifetime, just as you have chosen your path, just protect her from real abuse, and then (and this is the hard part) put aside your conditioning, and your beliefs to give her the strength to be the woman you don't believe she can ever be.
< Message edited by SweetPoosy -- 8/10/2009 6:33:18 AM >
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RE: Young submission and its consequences - 
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