RE: breaking up and lessons learned

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: breaking up and lessons learned

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: breaking up and lessons learned

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 3:58:06 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

quote:

I have had friends of both genders who are shit to their partners at the end.

If you see a pattern in your relationships, look for the common denominator. (I don't want to pick up on your previous post here hun, but a LOT of what was written in there explains your experience, thats not typical male behaviour but typical you behaviour)

Maybe so, but you really don't know enough about me to form much of an opinion, even if you've read everything I've ever written on CM. As for the pattern... perhaps you misread my post when I said that having had this happen to myself is not the only reason that I've formed this opinion. The common denominator is in fact men, not myself.

And that is fine, I can understand that it is a difficult thing to asses.

when I say your experience I meant two things

A) You said it was the way you have been treated many times
B) what you heard from other women.

My experience differs from yours, therefore no it is not men it is experience.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)

Post #: 41

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:00:08 PM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

. . . some were done better than others but only a couple of them were done in a manner that didn't leave me feeling like shit. So does that translate to "in general, women don't know how to break up with a guy"?

Yes I think it does. Are there people who break up well? I've never met any, not who really cared. I'm sure some break ups are more amicable than others, but in this age of long distance romance, it's so easy to just disappear.

The statement was really more about how the male psyche tends to handle that issue as a general rule. It's nothing other than my opinion based on my own anecdotal evidence. If you don't fall into the category of males who does this, then great.

daintydimples, I'm sorry you have such a sad view of the male species. Not every man falls into your generalization, I know many who don't. Truth be told I have never know any men who feel into your "general rule of the male psyche" .

My ex and I ended our long term relationship on amicalble terms. It wasn't easy, because emotions were involved but we worked hard to keep it civil and in the end we are still friends and raising 2 beautiful children together.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 42

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:01:45 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

Just a simple google search came up with this "International List of People with STDs."

http://www.stdcarriers.com/stdcarriers.aspx

Wow, thank you for sharing this resource. I've never had reason to search for a list such as this, but will definitely keep it in mind for the future.

(in reply to SouthernSpankin)

Post #: 43

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:03:39 PM

SouthernSpankin

Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

Men would rather be a cowardly jerk than do the right thing.

Don't associate the person the OP is talking about with the term "Man." The guy is not a "man."

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)

Post #: 44

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:06:15 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernSpankin

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

Men would rather be a cowardly jerk than do the right thing.

Don't associate the person the OP is talking about with the term "Man." The guy is not a "man."

AGREED!!!

(in reply to SouthernSpankin)

Post #: 45

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:16:42 PM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

My Dr. did report it and his name was given at that time. I never filed a police report......at the time this man was my love. I did not think of filing charges at the time. My thoughts were on ME. How to deal with this and accept the fact I had this. There are records for both him and I in the county.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 46

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 4:49:37 PM

subjoe101

Posts: 17
Joined: 8/3/2009
Status: offline

What happened to you sucks. Love is blind. There's lots of good advice here. Best thing to do is move on and learn from your experience (Of course it's not easy to do). Hopefully you can put this behind you and meet a much better guy. Go out this weekend, party it up with a few friends and get your mind off it.

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 47

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:17:47 PM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

Thank you all......reading your responses and advice truly made me feel a bit better. I appreciate all it (criticism and caring thoughts). Its a difficult time, but I am strong enough to know I can make it.

xo

(in reply to subjoe101)

Post #: 48

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:27:18 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shouldhaveknown

Thank you all......reading your responses and advice truly made me feel a bit better. I appreciate all it (criticism and caring thoughts). Its a difficult time, but I am strong enough to know I can make it.

xo

I wish you well. **hugs** I've found that writing about it and talking it out really helps, whether you use these forums, a journal, or talk to a friend. Letting the pain just fester inside is no good.

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 49

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:42:16 PM

shannie

Posts: 200
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernSpankin
In many states, including the one I live in, we have a sexual predator list... I've been to the website and I get notices in the mail informing me when someone from the list is living in my neigborhood. I wouldn't be surprised if there are states that have a similar list for people with STD. And actually, that's something i need to keep in mind the next time I talk to my state legislators and powerbrokers... we should have an STD list just like we have the sexual predator list.

Oh please don't get Big Brother involved in this. Instead, if you're really that worried about it, just insist that potential sexual partners accompany you to the clinic, and you can both be tested together.

(in reply to SouthernSpankin)

Post #: 50

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:54:07 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

As a general rule, males are not good at breaking up. They tend to just disappear or fade away and hope you figure it out for yourself.

I'm not sure why this is, but I have experienced it as well. The lack of closure sucks.

I agree with this posting wholeheartedly. I have no idea why it happens this way either. You'd figure the men would have the decency etc to stand up and say hey...this isn't working for me. Especially if he calls himself a Dom. Maybe I have higher standards for someone who says they are a Dom.
Anyway, yeah, it's happened to me as well and the lack of closure sucks as Daintydimples said.

Before we get into too much male bashing I have been in at least one situation where I had to end a relationship with a woman where the straight forward approach was not good enough. After a long discussion where I repeatedly told her it simply was no longer working for me I had to cop to a fake "new paramour" to get her to go on her way. There had to be someone else. She could not accept that I simply did not want to see her anymore and wasn't replacing her with someone else.

Perhaps men would be more like men about breaking up if more women would learn how to "take it like a man".

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 51

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 6:51:12 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

Before we get into too much male bashing I have been in at least one situation where I had to end a relationship with a woman where the straight forward approach was not good enough. After a long discussion where I repeatedly told her it simply was no longer working for me I had to cop to a fake "new paramour" to get her to go on her way. There had to be someone else. She could not accept that I simply did not want to see her anymore and wasn't replacing her with someone else.

Perhaps men would be more like men about breaking up if more women would learn how to "take it like a man".

I'll have to admit that you speak a lot of truth here, sadly enough. I was thinking about starting a thread about the emotions (or lack thereof) of a man, because we just don't get it. We don't get how you can seem to care about us and everything seems fine and them bam, you're ready to be done. It hurts, ya know?

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 52

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 6:53:53 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2
I'll have to admit that you speak a lot of truth here, sadly enough. I was thinking about starting a thread about the emotions (or lack thereof) of a man, because we just don't get it. We don't get how you can seem to care about us and everything seems fine and them bam, you're ready to be done. It hurts, ya know?

Sorry, not picking on you, but how can you know that they don't care?

Also I think you totally misread what you quoted, he said, he kept trying to tell her, there was no bam about it

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)

Post #: 53

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:08:25 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2
I'll have to admit that you speak a lot of truth here, sadly enough. I was thinking about starting a thread about the emotions (or lack thereof) of a man, because we just don't get it. We don't get how you can seem to care about us and everything seems fine and them bam, you're ready to be done. It hurts, ya know?

Sorry, not picking on you, but how can you know that they don't care?

Also I think you totally misread what you quoted, he said, he kept trying to tell her, there was no bam about it

It seems like you're picking on me, lol. j/k

I guess the "bam" I was speaking of was when he told her he was done in the first place. If she couldn't understand (which I assume she didn't since she kept needing further explanation), then she must not have seen it coming. Maybe I'm making too big of an assumption there, I dunno, only the poster knows.

As far as your question "how can you know that they don't care"... That's not really what I said, but it does happen to be how I feel. They don't ACT like they care. That's all I have to go on, the way they act and the words they say, and they usually seem pretty detached about the whole thing.

I know I'm not making many friends here with these opinions of mine, so maybe I should just shut up. All I want to know is how to tell if a guy cares... and if he doesn't care, why not? That's a retorical question, btw, cause I just started a new thread asking for male viewpoints on the topic.

< Message edited by HarderToBreathe2 -- 8/11/2009 7:10:54 PM >

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 54

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:08:54 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

As a general rule, males are not good at breaking up. They tend to just disappear or fade away and hope you figure it out for yourself.

I'm not sure why this is, but I have experienced it as well. The lack of closure sucks.

I agree with this posting wholeheartedly. I have no idea why it happens this way either. You'd figure the men would have the decency etc to stand up and say hey...this isn't working for me. Especially if he calls himself a Dom. Maybe I have higher standards for someone who says they are a Dom.
Anyway, yeah, it's happened to me as well and the lack of closure sucks as Daintydimples said.

Before we get into too much male bashing I have been in at least one situation where I had to end a relationship with a woman where the straight forward approach was not good enough. After a long discussion where I repeatedly told her it simply was no longer working for me I had to cop to a fake "new paramour" to get her to go on her way. There had to be someone else. She could not accept that I simply did not want to see her anymore and wasn't replacing her with someone else.

Perhaps men would be more like men about breaking up if more women would learn how to "take it like a man".

It's interesting that some posters have taken this exchange as malebashing. On my end I can say that it's not. I am not speaking for Daintydimples whose posting I agreed with - just saying that I offered a point of view that happened to agree with hers. Which is what the forums are for...to offer a point of view.

My little bit of information was that I agreed with the OP in that in MY experience I have had a few men disappear on me without letting me know things were no longer working out on their end. The end. I see nothing here where I maligned the entire male race- I actually happen to like men very much. If they're not particularly good at breaking up - in my experience - oh well. I deal with it. I was only giving the OP some support and saying hey, ya...this has happened to me. It's also happened where men have told me about the break up or I've been the one breaking up.

Several men wrote in to offer their viewpoints on what women do when faced with a breakup situation. Ok, it was interesting and I can totally see where they are coming from. How would I know? I've never broken up with a woman, I only know what my experiences with men are like and yes, there are a few that seem to fit into a general mold of things and that is what I commented on. Seriously folks, both men and women are to blame for their own foibles and problems...I just dont' know what half of the equation does since I've not had the experience. Thanks for the education, I mean that seriously...

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 55

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:12:13 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

The point is, some men disappear, some women disappear, to claim its a man thing is what makes it male bashing, or to call it its proper term, sexism

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 56

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:38:23 PM

SouthernSpankin

Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Oh please don't get Big Brother involved in this.

Big Brother is your friend :)

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 8/11/2009 7:39:52 PM >

(in reply to shannie)

Post #: 57

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:42:45 PM

Muirren

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Sooooooooooo...some other guy gets to pay for what someone he doesn't know did? Hmmmmmmmmmm...I wonder...how many women here on the boards wish to pay for the whiny/needy/frigid/selfish/cold-hearted/clingy/pushy/demanding bitch that came before you? Hmmmm?

Face it. There are indeed some generalizations that can be made about men and some that can be made about women. The ones that truly fit are also called truisms. But when you use the term "in general", what that means is the majority of the time. I've ended relationships with 4 women out of quite a few. I've been broken up with by many more...and the one thing I learned is this: none of them did it the same way, even the ones who disappeared. They all had their own way of doing it. Some were done better than others but only a couple of them were done in a manner that didn't leave me feeling like shit. So does that translate to "in general, women don't know how to break up with a guy"?

No, another guys doesn't have to pay for what another has done, but it will be a long, long time before I give myself fully to another before the waters are tested thoroughly. Then again, maybe never.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 58

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/12/2009 4:44:26 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

daintydimples, I'm sorry you have such a sad view of the male species. Not every man falls into your generalization, I know many who don't. Truth be told I have never know any men who feel into your "general rule of the male psyche" .

My ex and I ended our long term relationship on amicalble terms. It wasn't easy, because emotions were involved but we worked hard to keep it civil and in the end we are still friends and raising 2 beautiful children together.

From what I said you decided I have a sad view of the male species?? I find that hysterical.

The speed at which you jump to assumptions (with minimal evidence) says a great deal about you.

For the record, I like men. Most of my friends are male, which means I get to hear about their breakups. My statement was based not only on my own experiences but on how others have told me they dealt with things. It was a generalization that I believe to be a truism. If you don't agree, then great. I'm not forcing anyone to agree with me, merely airing my opinion, which is (purportedly) what this forum is for.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 59

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/12/2009 7:38:18 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

quote:

Before we get into too much male bashing I have been in at least one situation where I had to end a relationship with a woman where the straight forward approach was not good enough. After a long discussion where I repeatedly told her it simply was no longer working for me I had to cop to a fake "new paramour" to get her to go on her way. There had to be someone else. She could not accept that I simply did not want to see her anymore and wasn't replacing her with someone else.

Perhaps men would be more like men about breaking up if more women would learn how to "take it like a man".

I'll have to admit that you speak a lot of truth here, sadly enough. I was thinking about starting a thread about the emotions (or lack thereof) of a man, because we just don't get it. We don't get how you can seem to care about us and everything seems fine and them bam, you're ready to be done. It hurts, ya know?

Perhaps because there are some men who are just like some women? There are women who tend to forget that men have other feelings besides anger, happiness, and horniness...but we are also subject to hurt, confusion, loneliness. I may lose my "man" card AND my "domly-dom" card too but guess what? We even experience vulnerability and uncertainty about where we stand sometimes.

I've had the experience of having a woman I cared about disappear on me. No clue as to why I couldn't reach her, no clue as to why she would not answer my letters, no clue at all until several months later when she finally found the courage somehow to pick up the phone.
I've had personal experience with the feelings noted above in which a woman did something that left me feeling sad and hurt and lonely for a couple of days. When confronted with it, she admitted that while she had considered her own feelings in the situation, she had not considered mine nor had she thought through things we'd spoken of before. I was willing to work through it not only because I wanted her but because her hurting me had not been the result of INTENT but rather the result of failing to consider and think. But during out talk, she admitted that she would not have liked to have had me do what she had done.
It sounds harsh to some and unbelievable to others...but there are indeed women out there who have commited incidents such as the one described above. Incidents that are not done out of an INTENT to hurt but out of carelessness and/or lack of forethought. There are some who go further...while they expect you to have their feelings in mind allllllllllllllll the time, they do not reciprocate that same line of thinking regarding yours.

Perhaps part of it is because men have been conditioned somewhat throughout our culture to "not show" any feelings that could be an indicator of "weakness" and sadly...hurt, confusion, loneliness, sadness are all considered to be signs of vulnerability. Plus there are some confusing messages out there given by society..."share your feelings" goes right alongside "man up" but part of the problem for many men is that we grew up in a time when "manning up" meant hiding our feelings and yet, we began dating around the time when "manning up" meant exposing all of ourselves which then began to result in a backlash against "wimpy" men.

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)

Post #: 60

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: breaking up and lessons learned

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.344