RE: Men and Emotions?

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LillyoftheVally -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:05:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 Lol, I'm not sure what to say to this.... First of all, I didn't realize that I was agreeing with everybody, but maybe you're right (and there I go again, lol). I guess I've been finding things in what people have said with which I can agree, and making comments only on those points. I'm not sure why this is, but as I go back and reread the whole thread I'll pay attention and see if I really was being overly agreeable. Two people have said it now, I think you will find it REALLY interesting to look at your response, I know you quoted and agreed with me and another poster even though our posts were arguing with one another. Maybe it is politeness, maybe it is because your own mind conflicts

Collarher4ever -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:26:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 For example, if a man was asked to back up something he said, and, instead of doing so, he said he wrote the book on dominance, and then belittled others for being childish, that would redflag the hell out of me. Not that anything like that would ever happen, of course. I'm just making it up as a possibility, because I hear there are all kinds of guys on the internet. No others.... just you..... and that's because you are oh so typical.....

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:37:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 Lol, I'm not sure what to say to this.... First of all, I didn't realize that I was agreeing with everybody, but maybe you're right (and there I go again, lol). I guess I've been finding things in what people have said with which I can agree, and making comments only on those points. I'm not sure why this is, but as I go back and reread the whole thread I'll pay attention and see if I really was being overly agreeable. Two people have said it now, I think you will find it REALLY interesting to look at your response, I know you quoted and agreed with me and another poster even though our posts were arguing with one another. Maybe it is politeness, maybe it is because your own mind conflicts Yeah, I really did not realize, so it'll definitely be interesting to go back and look at it again. I'm glad you guys pointed it out. I am a bit of a people-pleaser, so maybe that's what it is.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:50:18 PM)
Googoo gaga -- TypicalDom

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:52:49 PM)
pops in, flexes muscles Harder, was this a long time ago that this most recent relationship broke down?

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:58:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally pops in, flexes muscles Harder, was this a long time ago that this most recent relationship broke down? Um, let's see... it was about a week and a half ago that he quit talking to me for good. It honestly feels like forever ago, but just a little over a week. Why do you ask?

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:01:13 PM)
Its the hardest time to think clearly, I bet you still get the pangs. I think you need to promise yourself to not get involved for a little while, easier said than done, but I do think that if you abstain when you feel ready to get back into it, you know you have decided to do that, which gives you a realisation of the extent of control you can have over your own emotion if you choose to

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:13:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally Its the hardest time to think clearly, I bet you still get the pangs. I think you need to promise yourself to not get involved for a little while, easier said than done, but I do think that if you abstain when you feel ready to get back into it, you know you have decided to do that, which gives you a realisation of the extent of control you can have over your own emotion if you choose to I definitely haven't moved on yet, and the thought of going throught the whole process of getting to know someone new just doesn't appeal to me at all. Maybe not because of this last thing, but because it just seems so TIRING, know what I mean? It takes a lot of time to get to know someone. So I most likely will be taking a good break from meeting people. Strangely enough, I only turned to this guy as a result of feeling crappy about an ex who had popped back in the picture... and I just started talking to this last guy, just as friends, just for someone to talk to. And I just really started liking him, just really felt the connection. And then he brought up a relationship before I did. I was wary b/c I kindof knew something bad might happen, but I really liked him sooo much and I just started going with what I felt.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:15:58 PM)
Ahh yeah when you are vulnerable you are at you most likely to make silly decisions, like rushing into something when you aren't ready. (I totally know what you mean about tiring)

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:25:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally Ahh yeah when you are vulnerable you are at you most likely to make silly decisions, like rushing into something when you aren't ready. (I totally know what you mean about tiring) I'm doing good though, I have to tell you! *Edited to delete the rest of what I said* [;)]

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:27:48 PM)
Fab hun [;)] That is great. I really think that this could be an amazing turning point for you (do I sound cheesy?)

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 7:35:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally Fab hun [;)] That is great. I really think that this could be an amazing turning point for you (do I sound cheesy?) Haha, not cheesy at all. Thanks for your support <<hugs!>> [:)] Now I'm gonna go back and delete some of that out about the guy.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 9:45:46 PM)
quote: Would it surprise you that I thought it was a good thing that you told me off? Up until then, you had been agreeing with everybody (except for one guy who left a particularly nasty comment on your other thread), and I was thinking to myself, "Wow, she can't say no to anyone!" So I'm glad you told me to back off. It means you're thinking, not just agreeing. quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 Lol, I'm not sure what to say to this.... First of all, I didn't realize that I was agreeing with everybody, but maybe you're right (and there I go again, lol). I guess I've been finding things in what people have said with which I can agree, and making comments only on those points. I'm not sure why this is, but as I go back and reread the whole thread I'll pay attention and see if I really was being overly agreeable. Two people have said it now, I think you will find it REALLY interesting to look at your response, I know you quoted and agreed with me and another poster even though our posts were arguing with one another. Maybe it is politeness, maybe it is because your own mind conflicts Hey Lilly, I've been reading back through the thread and need to take a computer break. But I've read the first 8 pages and I can honestly say that I didn't see a single thing that I said that was in any way contradictory to anything else I said. So I guess I'm not entirely sure what you guys are talking about (you and RedMagic). I'm just not seeing it, other than I was trying to look for the good in everyone's comments. I only agreed with the things I really agreed with though. I do still have 3 more pages to read, however.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 9:56:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 Lol, I'm not sure what to say to this.... First of all, I didn't realize that I was agreeing with everybody, but maybe you're right (and there I go again, lol). I guess I've been finding things in what people have said with which I can agree, and making comments only on those points. I'm not sure why this is, but as I go back and reread the whole thread I'll pay attention and see if I really was being overly agreeable. Two people have said it now, I think you will find it REALLY interesting to look at your response, I know you quoted and agreed with me and another poster even though our posts were arguing with one another. Maybe it is politeness, maybe it is because your own mind conflicts I just finished reading the rest of the thread, and I'd be interested to know where you think my statements conflict. The only discrepancy I found was when I said... quote: I actually do plan to read back through the entire thread, and I'm already aware that there are a lot discrepancies ...because now I'm saying that I find no discrepancies.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:58:21 PM)
Hi again. All of a sudden I'm feeling lonely and dejected. :( I think that in all honesty, I've been trying to be strong and rational and tell myself that everything is cool... But when I stopped doing that for a moment, all these other things just came bubbling to the surface -- The thought that this guy probably thinks I'm nuts for hanging onto this for so long. The fact that no matter how many times I've tried to reach out to him, he won't respond in any way... which leads to me back to feeling that he probably doesn't feel hurt, he just doesn't CARE. And I feel foolish for assuming that he would care. I'm sure he's been talking to some other girl this whole time, and didn't want to hurt me by letting me know that he just simply isn't interested in me. So he's said nothing, because what could he say? And then I feel completely ashamed for putting all of my time, focus, and energy into this, when there are so many people who have REAL problems. I've shut out my friends and my family for the past month and a half, because I simply had nothing left over to give. Granted, I've always been the type to keep to myself, so it isn't entirely because of this situation... but it definitely didn't help. A friend of mine once told me "The guy you barely know doesn't come first." And she's right, it's never healthy to put a guy first so early on. I just feel so foolish for putting all this time and energy into someone who most likely thinks it's pretty sad on my part to do so. And I had emailed him the link to this thread, and I doubt he even cared enough to come read it. It just hurts when you accept the fact that you matter so little to someone who is important to you, ya know? Okay, sorry for the self-pity, just had this wave of lonliness and self-doubt wash over me.

Muirren -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:03:41 PM)
Don't feel bad sweetie. I finally figured out what the problem is with the Dom I was seeing. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got, and also the angrier I was with him. I finally told him what his problem was, and now I feel much better and am moving on. It may take a while for me to completely put my trust in someone again, but I can now put the past behind me and get on with life.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:19:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Muirren Don't feel bad sweetie. I finally figured out what the problem is with the Dom I was seeing. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got, and also the angrier I was with him. I finally told him what his problem was, and now I feel much better and am moving on. It may take a while for me to completely put my trust in someone again, but I can now put the past behind me and get on with life. This is exactly how I feel. I want so badly to just tell him that I HATE him for sitting back and watching me go through all of this. Whatever hurt he may have temporarily felt, I can assure you that it could not be anything remotely close to what I have been going through with this. The mature, rational thing for me to say would be that it's not his fault, that he has absolutely no obligation to me whatsoever. But the emotional, feeling part of me hates him for watching someone who was a friend turn herself inside-out with all of this, never knowing what he's thinking or feeling. I think it's cruel to ignore someone like they don't exist. Nothing (NOTHING) can make you feel like you are worth less.

KneelforAnne -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:28:44 PM)
Ok... here's my take on things... and just tell me to shove it if it gets to harsh... but honestly... we seem A LOT alike, and this is what I need to hear sometimes. AND, this isn't meant to sound snarky at all... ~ You're feeling lonely and dejected because you're sitting there dwelling on it. Don't. Get up and do something. Take your mind off of it for a little bit, at least until the crazy passes. Everyone's allowed a little pity party... the problem is when it becomes a constant thing. Don't embrace this feeling of rejection and hurt. Look at it, poke at it, really figure out what got you there in the first place and come up with a game plan to NOT go there again. My best friend and I like to say that "at least we learned something!" And, honestly... we do. Each and every time. And we tell one another and we remind one another... in the nicest possible way... the next time we face the same issue. Because when it's us, we forget. Or don't look too closely. We often get into similar situations, and it's SO MUCH EASIER to analyze someone elses life than your own. Now, you've said that you're a very private person... do you have a close friend you share with? If you don't... you maybe should open up to someone... or at least get a journal and write it all down so that you can notice patterns. ~ He's not responding for one of the following reasons: A- He's hurt and people tend to stop talking to people who hurt them. But, you have done your best to apologize and that's all you can do. B- He's with someone else, and if he is and HAS been all that time...then he's an ass and you don't want him. C- He's out of town with his sick grandmother, sitting by her bedside away from the computer/phone, nursing her back to health. (This isn't a reality based option, FYI) Here's the thing I've noticed with online/phone stuff... the person you're talking to...the one that you've never REALLY seen... can grow and become this perfect person in your head because you don't have to be faced with the real life person in front of you. So, you start filling in bits and pieces with what YOU WANT to see, hear and feel, because he isn't "real" yet and you can. So, it's my thought that you're creating this fictional person to pine for...when he's just a regular guy that you messed up with. ~ But here's what you have to do... (And thank you "h" for the advice) You have to stop having both sides of the conversation in your head. The conversation is over, until or unless he wants to open it back up. Just let it be. The fact that you've shut out others should be an eye opener for you. Do you want to be that person? THAT girl? The girl that focuses on the guy and ignores her friends until...oops... the guy isn't there any longer? I don't like "friends" like that, and they don't stay "friends" for long. "I just feel so foolish for putting all this time and energy into someone who most likely thinks it's pretty sad on my part to do so." So, don't do it again. Hate is a pretty strong emotion... and honestly, it seems like all he feels for you is indifference. Why waste your time? Why don't you start doing something constructive, so you're not in this situation once again, with the next guy? It seems to me (and who am I really? No one too important ;D ) that this type of feeling is what you started with... hate and discontent with males in general and this one in particular. Have we just come full circle? I hate to think so, because it seems we made some major points along the way. ~ Now, here is my question... How much of it is... "Oh, I want HIM so very badly" and how much of it is that you want forgiveness for what you did OR you want what you can't have? Answer honestly.... smiles and smooches!

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/15/2009 12:13:12 AM)
Thank you Anne. :( I still feel sad, but it's because I know you're right. quote: You're feeling lonely and dejected because you're sitting there dwelling on it. Don't. Get up and do something. Take your mind off of it for a little bit, at least until the crazy passes. Everyone's allowed a little pity party... the problem is when it becomes a constant thing. Don't embrace this feeling of rejection and hurt. It's slightly embarrassing to admit that I have indeed been dwelling on this. A friend (actually the ex I mentioned meeting off CM who was so manipulative and abusive, ironically enough, ugh) said the same thing to me earlier... that I'm obsessing over this because I don't have anything else to occupy my mind (the reason for that being, of course, that I dropped everything else in my life). quote: Now, you've said that you're a very private person... do you have a close friend you share with? If you don't... you maybe should open up to someone... or at least get a journal and write it all down so that you can notice patterns. I do have other friends I could have talked to about this, but I chose not to, for whatever reason. One friend in particular would be saying the exact same thing that you are saying, but she's been through this with me so many times that I didn't want to frustrate her with it yet again. quote: He's not responding for one of the following reasons: A- He's hurt and people tend to stop talking to people who hurt them. But, you have done your best to apologize and that's all you can do. B- He's with someone else, and if he is and HAS been all that time...then he's an ass and you don't want him. C- He's out of town with his sick grandmother, sitting by her bedside away from the computer/phone, nursing her back to health. (This isn't a reality based option, FYI) If he is with someone else, it's most likely an online thing, because I see him signed on all the time. He really doesn't go out and do anything, he sits in front of his computer and doesn't move except for work and for sleep, and that doesn't appear to have changed. But he very well could be talking to someone else, and you're right, if that's what he's been doing this entire time, while I've gone out of my way to apologize and try to make him understand... then yeah, he's an ass to sit back and watch me do this to myself and not say a word. And you're right, I shouldn't want someone like that. quote: Here's the thing I've noticed with online/phone stuff... the person you're talking to...the one that you've never REALLY seen... can grow and become this perfect person in your head because you don't have to be faced with the real life person in front of you. So, you start filling in bits and pieces with what YOU WANT to see, hear and feel, because he isn't "real" yet and you can. So, it's my thought that you're creating this fictional person to pine for...when he's just a regular guy that you messed up with. I'm sure this is entirely possible. Once you get this idealized image of someone in your mind, it's hard to believe that the person could be anything but this. And I truly did fill in the blanks and make him into the perfect person for me, the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. quote: The fact that you've shut out others should be an eye opener for you. Do you want to be that person? THAT girl? The girl that focuses on the guy and ignores her friends until...oops... the guy isn't there any longer? I don't like "friends" like that, and they don't stay "friends" for long. I definitely don't want to be "that girl". Then again, I'm not always fully present as I should be anyways, because I'm so introverted and I like to do my own thing most of the time. Definitely need to find a balance, whether there's a guy in the picture or not. quote: Hate is a pretty strong emotion... and honestly, it seems like all he feels for you is indifference. Why waste your time? The indifference is what hurts the most. I'd much rather he hate me. And I don't really hate him, I just feel humiliated right now. quote: Why don't you start doing something constructive, so you're not in this situation once again, with the next guy? This is exactly what I need to do. quote: It seems to me (and who am I really? No one too important ;D ) that this type of feeling is what you started with... hate and discontent with males in general and this one in particular. Have we just come full circle? I hate to think so, because it seems we made some major points along the way. I was actually thinking about this earlier at the time I was posting. The rejection and loneliness I'm feeling at this particular moment doesn't erase all the progress we made throughout the thread. I still feel that I've grasped the important lessons, and my heart is still opened up to men in general, to giving them a chance, and to treating them as I would like to be treated. Really all this is right now is anger at myself, and it's easier to transfer the blame to him. I know this, I just chose not to care at the moment, lol. I was imagining him being indifferent to me and all happy talking to some other girl, and it hurts to feel that you're so easily replaced. But I honestly am not lumping him into the "asshole" category. I know that if I could have been different, if I could have started off with a different mindset with him, that things might have not gotten so messy. I have no idea if he would've hurt me in the future... but I did this, not him. quote: Now, here is my question... How much of it is... "Oh, I want HIM so very badly" and how much of it is that you want forgiveness for what you did OR you want what you can't have? Answer honestly.... smiles and smooches! Ya know, it really and truly was HIM I wanted, and I could easily name all the mushy reasons why (but I won't, lol). But your point about turning him into this perfect idealized guy, having never met him, just makes me realize that I didn't really fully KNOW him. So how can I say that I unquestionably really want him when I didn't truly know him. Honestly, what I feel the loss of is... A) What could have been -- b/c now we'll never get the chance to know and B) The casual, easy, fun friendship that we had. I simply loved talking to him. He stimulated my mind and my emotions. And I really miss that. edited for typos

Collarher4ever -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/15/2009 12:57:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 This is exactly how I feel. I want so badly to just tell him that I HATE him for sitting back and watching me go through all of this. Whatever hurt he may have temporarily felt, I can assure you that it could not be anything remotely close to what I have been going through with this. The mature, rational thing for me to say would be that it's not his fault, that he has absolutely no obligation to me whatsoever. But the emotional, feeling part of me hates him for watching someone who was a friend turn herself inside-out with all of this, never knowing what he's thinking or feeling. I think it's cruel to ignore someone like they don't exist. Nothing (NOTHING) can make you feel like you are worth less. Yes it is cruel to just watch you stumble in the dark wondering what's expected next of you. Would you go back to him if he were to walk in the door? What are the chances that since he did this once that he wouldn't do it again and maybe faster the next time? How can it NOT be on some part his fault or responsibility? Why don't you tell him how you feel, not for his sake but for yours? you are under no obligation to him either. HATE is a perfectly normal feeling. Right now you still very sad about this turn of events. your female friends will say "he walked out on a great person..." you will agree and think to yourself... "what if he didn't".... for a while you will think of the what ifs... when you are ready... take all the feelings, the thoughts, the anger... and thoughtfully put them into a paper bag... every last one of them... on the outside write words to the effect of "Not Worth MY Time"... dispose them in the refuse and walk away from them, find a quiet place (parks work wonders) sit down, close eyes and listen to nothing in particular... breathe deeply and with each exhale free yourself... when you are ready...

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