RE: Men and Emotions?

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FangsNfeet -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:01:23 PM)
If men didn't care about break ups then these songs wouldn't be famous. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sETQvtGStbQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAgDT-rTuFI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o&feature=PlayList&p=35D9613A3C355530&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4FsYd2h6FA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SltCc2P3Cgk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-liihC-bo Hell, if we didn't have emotion, you can throw country and blues music out the door.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:02:19 PM)
quote: You know... it may not bring him back, but it may help him to understand you a bit better.... Why don't you send him the link to this thread and ask him to read it ALL. Emphasize ALL. He may or may not read it... that's a risk you take... but...? Honestly, a bunch of strangers (some stranger than others :D ) know this stuff about you now...shouldn't he? To end, I'm really glad you started this thread. Good luck! Hey again. You're the best <<big hugs!>> I just sent him the link. On the one hand, I feel funny about making contact AGAIN (trust me, I've made a lot, lol... but nothing stalkeresque... I hope... haha). But I really do want him to understand... if for nothing else than to lessen any hurt that may linger for him, b/c I certainly don't want that for him. We'll see if he even reads the email, let alone this whole thread. But I feel good knowing that I offered it to him, and it's here if he wants to read it. I'll feel pretty dumb if he's got some other chick he's been talking to and has forgotten all about me by now.... but like you said, it's just the risk you take. I'm gonna respond to your other stuff in a new post. Thank you for your suggestion... and for caring!! [:)] [:)] [:)] Edited to add: I'm replying to the rest of your post right now.... just letting you know.... I got caught up in the post about break-up songs, lol, and had to add my faves to the list

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:23:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet If men didn't care about break ups then these songs wouldn't be famous. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sETQvtGStbQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAgDT-rTuFI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o&feature=PlayList&p=35D9613A3C355530&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4FsYd2h6FA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SltCc2P3Cgk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-liihC-bo Hell, if we didn't have emotion, you can throw country and blues music out the door. I love your taste!! Matchbox Twenty is one of my absolute all-time favorites. The Cryin video is one of my all-time fave videos (looove that black car) You left out Maroon 5's entire Songs About Jane album and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVpLaCBctI4 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNKmHvI1s8o [;)]

SirLost -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:33:25 PM)
I was going to advise you to show him this thread, I didn't advise because I thought you wouldn't contact him again. The only way I had gained my that friend again was showing her that I have been making a huge effort to change myself and I recovered/got changed in a positive way, we would never be together again if I was unable to show her my progress. You've done it good, but I would wait longer to make contact with him again. About men and emotions again, it is going to be a special case, but I tend to hide my negative emotions like anger, hate and depression. I used to express my feelings too much, it could be because I was really collapsed or I was just exaggerating these things, which lead the people around me to go far away from me or perceive me as a 'desperate case'. I prefer just hiding my anger even when it boils over, because it makes me feel weak. Because the cases in which expressing them won't solve anything are the one those collapse me now (sorry, it is a bad sentence indeed).

interlocutor -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:46:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth A clear distinction between us. Personally I'd be wary and try to avoid people who come into any relationship with pre-determined expectations. This prejudice happens to be based on gender, but as an Italian should you meet me do you assume I'm in the Mafia or know how to lay concrete? Prejudice, either against a nationality, gender or race, is never a reliable indicator of behavior. It doesn't matter if that prejudice is positive or negative. It is still something that has to be overcome, or lived up to. Both are hurdles to understanding any individual; who, by definition, is unique. I'm not sure how you distilled "prejudice' from: quote: interlocutor: In my experience assuming certain predispositions or characteristics as a starting point while keeping an open mind and readily accepting difference is far better than ignoring our commonality and assuming I couldn't understand how some one feels simply because I've never met them. Yes everyone is different, but in my experience most women feel differently than I do about certain things, and about those same things I find most men I know have similar feeling to me. Yes there are exceptions, but I have an open mind and readily accept those differences when they occur, but this does not mean I disregard all of the other experience that demonstrates common emotional responses that are characteristic to each gender respectively. quote: Mercnbeth: Drawing "conclusions" from observations is no insurance any conclusion represents reality for an entire group of people, or gender, or the next person you meet and want to get to know. As you can see I never implied that it was. I never claimed an absolute about any segment of the population. I simply stated how I felt about something and that I think I'm not the only man that feels the same. It was put forth by you that how I felt could not possibly be relevant because all men are different so assuming any other man had similar feelings was an "exercise in futility." It seems to me that you believe imagining how someone MIGHT be/think/feel based on common characteristics is somehow bad. If you refuse to acknowledge difference in meaning and degree between this statement, "In general men have similar emotional reactions to certain things." and this statement: "All men are 'insert characteristic here'" Then I'm not sure how we can communicate effectively.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 9:47:35 PM)
quote: I know that I have to work on these. These things get me EVERY DAMN TIME. Honestly, the underlines parts could be written by me. Thanks for fessing up that you do this too, lol [:D] and I'm sure we're far from being the only ones. quote: Except in the past, I didn't run away, or break up with them... I just refused to let my heart or emotions get involved. I, personally, just shut them down. (Them being the emotions, though in a way that could have shut the men down.) This makes perfect sense to me. I've tried this too, believe me, but my emotions always start leaking through and it's somewhat beyond my control. But come to think of it, I am able to do this during/after arguments, and I'm able to do it during those moments when I say "let's end things". It's very very temporary though, b/c once I like someone, I can't shut it off. It seems you're saying that you shut your emotions down before you can even start feeling something for the guy? Or after you already do feel it, and then you shut it down so you won't get hurt? quote: The reason I asked you, in an earlier post, if you would still want them if they professed undying love (and if you believed them) is because I never knew if I would. To some extent, I still don't. Not that there's a game involved, not the "chase" at all. Please don't think that. More (perhaps?) a self esteem issue of not REALLY believing I could inspire that type of real emotion. I dunno, I need to take some time and think about this more to get to the bottom of it. We should make you our next project and all explore this issue with you. I think that together we can figure it out. [;)] lol. To be serious, though... if someone expressed his undying love for you, and you believed that he was sincere... this would make you not want it anymore.... is that what you're saying? Sooo, it could be a self-esteem issue like you said. Or maybe a fear of commitment issue.... you suddenly think, "oh god, is this REALLY what i want?? now there's all this pressure to feel the same, get me out of here!" lol... something like that maybe? I've had moments like that, but they usually pass.... when I do have those moments (not after an expression of undying love, because let's face it, how often does THAT happen, lol.... but when i feel commitment setting in), I literally tell myself that I'm only having those thoughts/feelings because I'm a tad bit scared of the commitment, but I know the feelings will pass (because they always do), so I just ride through it. This is actually a conscious doing on my part. I'm not sure if that offers you any new food for thought, but it might help....

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/13/2009 10:00:50 PM)
quote: I was going to advise you to show him this thread, I didn't advise because I thought you wouldn't contact him again. The only way I had gained my that friend again was showing her that I have been making a huge effort to change myself and I recovered/got changed in a positive way, we would never be together again if I was unable to show her my progress. You've done it good, but I would wait longer to make contact with him again. It's been quite an effort not to contact him any more than I have, lol. I don't know if he's sick of it or not, but I guess I just do what feels right at the time, ya know? Everything is a risk, and you can choose to take it or not. I agree that it's important to be able to show someone your progress, because at the end of the day, words are just words. Sometimes, of course, all we HAVE is words, so in that case, I think you have to listen less to the words themselves and more to what is actually being said. quote: About men and emotions again, it is going to be a special case, but I tend to hide my negative emotions like anger, hate and depression. I used to express my feelings too much, it could be because I was really collapsed or I was just exaggerating these things, which lead the people around me to go far away from me or perceive me as a 'desperate case'. I prefer just hiding my anger even when it boils over, because it makes me feel weak. Because the cases in which expressing them won't solve anything are the one those collapse me now I know what you mean about expressing feelings too much. I think this is something we learn to balance as time goes along and we adjust our emotional output according to how society reacts to it. If people seem to feel that we're giving off too much of ourselves, then we start reining it in bit by bit until people don't react so much to it anymore... and then we've kindof found the right level. But it's hard when you FEEL something, and sometimes you just feel like shouting it from the rooftops... but know that you can't b/c it will shoo people off. As far as hiding anger... holding it in doesn't seem so healthy. I don't think it's weak at all to express anger, and in fact I think it can be quite beneficial to do so, if done in an appropriate manner. Problems come from letting anger fester inside ourselves. Maybe something like pouring it all out into a journal (the angry feelings) would help, or writing one of those letters that you never send. You just need some way to express it, I think (if you want my opinion, which you didn't ask for, lol, sry).

Mercnbeth -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 6:38:21 AM)
quote: I'm not sure how we can communicate effectively. Now sure we can either, because I see you've now backed off to this position. quote: As you can see I never implied that it was. I never claimed an absolute about any segment of the population. I simply stated how I felt about something and that I think I'm not the only man that feels the same. When I was responding to this previous position. quote: From my observations I draw conclusions. Unless you really didn't mean one of those conflicting statements. quote: I'm not sure how you distilled "prejudice' from: I didn't "distill" "prejudice" I based it upon your "conclusion" stated originally in absolute terms of behavior for men. Backing off from that position now not withstanding. quote: It seems to me that you believe imagining how someone MIGHT be/think/feel based on common characteristics is somehow bad. I'll let you answer that. Do you agree with "profiling"?

RedMagic1 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 9:03:35 AM)
I have found that it is much more useful to consider people's economic background than their gender. People who went through college without having a job tend to view the world differently from people who worked their way through college, or don't have a degree. Similarly, people who have been through trauma (rape, battlefield, death of a parent or sibling) tend to view the world differently from those who have not. Such things affect outlook, and response to emotional pressure, much more than whether a person is male or female.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 9:05:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I have found that it is much more useful to consider people's economic background than their gender. People who went through college without having a job tend to view the world differently from people who worked their way through college, or don't have a degree. Similarly, people who have been through trauma (rape, battlefield, death of a parent or sibling) tend to view the world differently from those who have not. Such things affect outlook, and response to emotional pressure, much more than whether a person is male or female. This is a very good point, and oh so true....

thetammyjo -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 9:19:07 AM)
Fast Reply: I just finished reading a great book, "Pink Brain, Blue Brain" that summarizes the research on biology versus training and one of it's topics is emotions. If that interests anyone, please check it out. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0618393110

Collarher4ever -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:05:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 quote: ORIGINAL: Apocalypso quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 Hmm, I'm not really sure what you mean... You asked how men would feel after a breakup? I just personally wouldn't try and answer the other questions you pose in that situation, because I don't think it would be good for me. So I think you're saying that if you were the one in the midst of a breakup, you wouldnt want to answer these questions if posed by the girl? I'm not sure if we're following each other, lol. I guess a more clear way of asking what I meant to ask is.... Why don't guys act like they care when there is a breakup? Because they really don't care, or because they're so accustomed to hiding their emotions? Or something different? What you are saying is that you want to know why guys don't act like the girls when a break up occurs. Ok, let's look at the most recent break up of yours that was not initated by you, that is, you didn't make the decision that it's over and didn't take the necessary emotional steps to separate yourself from the guy or gal that you are walking away from, including but not limited to: finding fault where there was none before, convincing yourself that there is someone better for you and its in your best interest to just leave and that what ever you are feeling beyond being valid is actually the truth. Are you with me so far? Let's take a look at the emotional quotient to understand this. A typical female is 135 on a scale of 1 - 200, while a typical male is 45. That means that a typical female is able to understand feelings and process them three times better than a typical male. you will go out with the girls, take out comfort food, find a quiet place to mourn the loss and when you are done, you will have walked away from the relationship. When a breakup occurs the one doing the break up is already out of the relationship and the break up really is the announcement to the world; the one that is receiving the bad news is first in denial at the loss (see above on mourning) aka first stage of grieving. In the case of a typical male he lacks the emotional tools to deal with this, does not have the boys to go out with, not because the boys don't want to hang out with him, but they don't know what to do and that is a key in this (goes back to boys have a need to fix it, whereas girls listen and provide emotional support... ie, listen until you are blue in the face and tell you that you did the right thing and they will mentally add him to the most hated list). Now, as to the mind games, women have been doing mind games since time began and in reality time was institutued so that women could provide men a time reference for when the guy did something. A favorite mind game in history, is ironically enough, the break up, which is really designed to see if the guy cares enough or if he is looking for a way out; which is far better than asking if they care, because they will always say yes, but will lack the emotional skills to see past what you are asking and figure out why you are asking. On some level you are hoping he is actually able to magically become someone that understands you; at an EQ of 45 its not going to happen. On the flipside should you meet a guy that can, you won't stick around too long as that means that you are an open book (unless you trust him to keep your secrets) and that defeats the mind game of the break up (and all it's variants) as it will last maybe twice before you are dissected emotionally for the manipulative vixen that you are. Does this help to understand the situation better? J

HumiliatePorky -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:11:32 AM)
Everyone has emotions otherwise, they wouldn't be human beings, some people just react differently than others

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:27:12 AM)
Another great guy just wrote me personally and "put me in my place", so to speak. A big thanks to him and to everyone who has taken the time and care to talk to me, it means so much and it has helped a great deal. I just can't thank you enough. I just googled "empathy", and this is by far the best definition I've ever seen -- Empathy: The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. I think we obviously all know what empathy means, but it can still be a hard concept to actually grasp. Then I found this in an article entitled "Is Empathy a Learned Skill?" (I paraphrased a bit, so I won't bother with a link) -- To develop empathy, deepen your understanding of the intention of the other person. Respond to challenging situations without losing connection with others. Develop ease in being present to another person's pain without a desire to judge, blame or fix. Learn to express your own feelings and needs without sacrificing the integrity of your position and remaining honest. Just a quick lil story pertaining to empathy. My mom and I used to fight something awful throughout my whole childhood and teenage years. (We're good with each other now, and have completely gotten past it). She was not abusive; and I wasn't a "bad kid", and I in fact only had problems with my immediate family, never at school or elsewhere, which definitely suggests that the problem was within the home. I learned even back then to turn all of the hurt into anger, and tried to shut down that part of me that felt things. So I constantly felt anger, then guilt, then anger again, then more guilt. Anyways, we still had problems communicating with each other a few years back, so we went to see a counselor together. And I remember sitting in there one time, all angry and defensive and seemingly unaffected by what anyone else said or thought or felt other than myself. But then the therapist just looked at me as I was sitting there with this pissed off look about me and said, "Can you imagine how your mom feels? She has to go to work every day and deal with such-and-such and then comes home exhausted; she probably worries about such-and-such that may happen in the future; and she's got a daughter who says just horrible things to her." And I looked at my mom, and I suddenly FELT all the empathy in the world for her. I immediately started crying b/c I felt so horrible about my own behavior, and I felt so bad for my mom for her own trials in tribulations in life. I deeply love and care about her, I always have, but I had so many walls up and I was determined not to let anyone inside. And I honestly think that neither she nor the therapist realized how much I actually do care until my walls came down in that moment and I felt her pain. That experience taught me a lot, really. So I guess we have to not only make a conscious effort to empathize with someone, but we also must put aside all of our own "crap" and open our hearts up enough to really feel for the other person.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:34:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Collarher4ever Let's take a look at the emotional quotient to understand this. A typical female is 135 on a scale of 1 - 200, while a typical male is 45. Please feel free to speak about yourself. I certainly haven't noticed this to be true, and most of my friends are women.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 10:41:33 AM)
quote: A favorite mind game in history, is ironically enough, the break up, which is really designed to see if the guy cares enough or if he is looking for a way out; which is far better than asking if they care, because they will always say yes, but will lack the emotional skills to see past what you are asking and figure out why you are asking. This is incredibly well-put. [:)] [;)] I need to step out for a few and then I'll respond to the rest of what you said. [:)]

Collarher4ever -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:02:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Collarher4ever Let's take a look at the emotional quotient to understand this. A typical female is 135 on a scale of 1 - 200, while a typical male is 45. Please feel free to speak about yourself. I certainly haven't noticed this to be true, and most of my friends are women. Note: I didn't say all, I said typical. Let's see the typical penis is 5.5 inches. The typical breast size (in the US) is 34B. In you the value of either or that of your friends may be smaller or larger. The numbers of typical EQ are not my own, I found them through research. There is no need to be defensive here. The typical IQ is 100 with roughly 99% of the population. J

TazDevil -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:19:46 AM)
wik says in the us typical penis sice is 3 ince or just under but wick can be worng so who knows http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_penis_size

RedMagic1 -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:44:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Collarher4ever The numbers of typical EQ are not my own, I found them through research. Please, then, do provide links that back up your research, and your use of the term "EQ," because it seems sloppy and pseudoscientific to me. Another poster has already posted a link that refutes part of what you said. You may be used to a forum where you can say whatever opinion you happen to have as though it's fact. Around here, though, if you say something that is wildly off base, you can expect to get called on it.

Collarher4ever -> RE: Men and Emotions? (8/14/2009 11:54:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Collarher4ever The numbers of typical EQ are not my own, I found them through research. Please, then, do provide links that back up your research, and your use of the term "EQ," because it seems sloppy and pseudoscientific to me. Another poster has already posted a link that refutes part of what you said. You may be used to a forum where you can say whatever opinion you happen to have as though it's fact. Around here, though, if you say something that is wildly off base, you can expect to get called on it. Research it yourself and provide the counter. You seem overly defensive here. When someone demands proof, proof is not what they seek. If you are referring to the wiki reference in the expert referencing... 2.5 to 4 is the flaccid length. Actually, wiki is not very authoritative. The reason you are picking a fight is that you are bothered by people knowing that women are experts at mind games and you feel the need to come to their aide. A typical male really. Women, by and large, are perfectly able to shred a male emotionally; perhaps you should listen more than talk when you are with your many female friends. They would enjoy you not talking, but listening. And, try not to be the fix it guy. They just desire you to listen.

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