undergroundsea
Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004 From: Austin, TX Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyPact The problem that we have when presented with this situation is, exactly how does one get from the hello stage to the dynamic stage? Are we all keeping the financial balance sheet? How much are we supposed to invest before there is any return? Good question :) For me, proceeding in the same manner as I would for vanilla dating works. I do what is within the norm for courting in vanilla circumstances. The relationship proceeds organically and I use judgment about timing and what is appropriate as people do in vanilla courting. Also, to object against demands for service skills and tribute is not the same as not providing service, or not extending any material gestures. I refer again to the example I gave that a woman might be turned off if a man focused on sex right at the outset even if both know it is desired, or both have an interest for things to go in that direction. I make the same point for service and material gestures. When I meet or am wooing someone, I naturally extend each but would be turned off if someone demanded them in a way that felt disrespectful. As I indicated before, context makes each situation what it is. My answer to the question for how to handle the matter is the same way how it might be done for sexual matters. What would women tell a man for what not to do so as to not raise flags about an intent to sexually use? I think the same fundamental ideas would apply in the other direction. My comments are directed not so much at how to start the process--I think the process evolves organically--but at how not to disrupt the process by raising flags. As with women, there is no one response in men and bringing BDSM into the mix makes the matter more complex with respect to the variety in response. I think one has to rely on judgment. As for examples, I think treating the gestures as good will gestures versus an entitlement, and reciprocating the spirit or sincerity are steps that might help keep the flags away. One question to ask might be how can a man know whether or how much she appreciates him? With D/s, it can become a more complex balance to show appreciation and yet maintain a headspace or dynamic, which will vary based on the response of each person. Unfortunately, money can bring out lesser motivations. I think it would help to keep intentions sincere, and then the actions will likely come across as sincere. I can recall two instances when I had extended material gestures to dommes I was getting to know. In each case, it is as if she began to test me to see what else I might do for her financially (it seems she had fallen into the trap that she had an expense coming up and wondered if she could offload it to me), which turned me off. Eventually, with other observations that I deemed to be strikes, I withdrew. In these cases, I think it was a matter of limited compatibility of personalities, as highlighted by such an attempt, and the parting was bound to happen. However, if another otherwise compatible domme did the same, it would turn me off and I would see it as a strike. My advice to avoid such a scenario would be to not take the gestures for granted and, if there is question about whether the sub is into financial submission, ask him rather than assume or test if he might be so. For service, my advice would to position the service as a mutually enjoyed kink versus a price for entry. I would suggest simply seeing if the sub initiates with service, or asking for an act of service. I would then ask him to explain how he feels about service. Even if he has not initiated, I would ask him how he feels about service. I would not, however, explicity say he must perform service if wishes to keep attention. There is a balance between giving adequate respect and nurturing the dynamic and expecting service and subservience. I know from witnessing it many times that this balance can be had. Cheers, Sea
< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 8/20/2009 4:11:43 PM >
|