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AAkasha -> When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Femdoms. (8/12/2009 7:29:29 PM)
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I have my own very hot, sometimes very obscure fetishes and fantasies. Some of them I keep pretty private until I feel comfortable enough sharing them. There are some things that may vary in their level of sexuality but regardless, they make me all kinds of wet - and they are connected to my own ideas about male vulnerability, helplessness and fear.
When I start sharing some of these ideas with a male sub and telling him about my fantasies, a pet peeve of mine is when they just turn it around into their fantasy or try to connect them, and it really becomes about his fetishes or his cock, or my pussy, when I didn't go there. On some level, I 'get it', we're talking about fantasies and that's hot and exciting (and I DO, absolutely, like to use a man's hot buttons to manipulate him - on my terms;but getting this info is not hard). But on another level, it makes me miss the interactions with vanillas, because the response was more often, "That's very..interesting, the fact that this thing can make you hot and excited; how come? Are you able to share more?" -- instead of, "That's very interesting. How about I stick my tongue in your pussy and you tell me more about it if it makes you wet?" (vanilla analogy)
When do you try to retrain a sub vs. just letting him move on? I feel like if I just flat out say, "Look. Stop it. I am talking about my fantasies and fetishes, and really, it would behoove you to maybe take time to learn and understand them, even if they DON'T get you hard," -- because then they go "oh of course, yes, tell me more," and ultimately they are ONLY doing that in hopes of getting what they want. How do you find out if a man is GENUINELY interested in YOUR hot buttons, and not just in so much that they are "kind of related" to his cbt, smothering, ass worship, cocksucking fetishes so he can hopefully get some?
I know that men - ALL men - on some level, get excited at the idea that their actions are making their lady hot, wet and turned on. Submissive OR vanilla. So it's not a leap, to me, that a guy can stop and listen to my fantasies and even though they might not turn him on, he can be turned on by them because they turn ME on. But it's as if their fantasies are a giant sun that eclipses all else, and the only way to get them to stop and look is to wave a big flag and say "respond to my fetishes or else," and then they are doing it only out of obligation.
An analogy. Some of my fetishes can be fairly ambiguous, yet they are powerful. An example, but not real (this is made up) would be if I said to a sub, "I really actually have this kind of obscure clown fetish." Sub responds, "Oh. That's cool. So tell me, would you fuck me in the ass (his fetish) in a clown outfit?" vs. saying "That's cool. What about it makes you hot? What else can you tell me about this? Why does it excite you?"
Now, a real life example. I have a breath control fetish, and it's a huge one (that I rarely act on, for safety reasons), and I may say to a sub, "I have a breath control fetish. Actually, even making a guy hold his breath turns me on," and he says, "Oh really? Do you want to see how long you can make me hold my breath by sitting on my face and making me lick your asshole?"
The fact that I DO enjoy ass worship, rimming and all that is non the point; the point is, I was telling him my fantasy, and it immediately gets turned into his fantasy, before he even took the time to investigate. This is not an online thing; this is phone, a recent lunch I had even, and a guy I let take me to a hockey game once and was desperate to make it work as he was local, seemed very nice and we had a lot in common.
I don't like the idea of "catch and release" with new subs because I think most are overly eager and just misguided by bad porn and too much fantasy. However, it's very hard to tell, sometimes, if he is ultimately drive by his own fetishes and would merely say what he thinks you want to hear, vs. genuinely interested in the why, how and what makes this femdom tick. Because we femdoms are all very different.
Akasha
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