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ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

It's a hot, humid day here today.

I was going to eat a nice, healthy lunch, but on the way back from walking my dog, I decided to get ice cream instead. I don't usually eat a lot of sweets--but I put this ice cream on the rest of the peach pie.

Now, the day before, after a clean bill of health, I told the doctor I generally ate a healthy diet rich in fruits and vegetables. And I more or less do, but here, a day after saying I ate healthy lunches, I'm eating ice cream. Total flip-flop. So in the world of political logic, this proves I don't eat a healthy diet, because today, I ate ice cream. Clearly, as a politician, I'm just a joke!

So the real questions is, why don't I tell the American people the truth? What am I hiding? Just what is my agenda?

The receipt clearly reveals the ice cream was Cherry Garcia. So obviously I'm beholden to a liberal Vermont corporation, and my mixture of peaches and cherries prove I'll eat any kind of fruit just to butter up voters, and that I have no convictions of my own. In fact, as apples are the major fruit produced in my home state, am I really a resident? Why am I funneling money out of state? Obviously, I'm a Washington insider, as Washington D.C. has so many cherry trees.

But Garcia? I'm clearly favoring the racists who want to take jobs and services away from non-hispanics. Or probably I'm just trying to manipulate the hispanic vote. And wasn't Jerry Garcia leader of the Grateful Dead? Just what is my stance on the secret death squads in the health care bill, and why won't I reveal it to the American public? And Cherry Garcia has chocolate flakes throughout, just proving that I'll shove Affirmative Action down the throats of the American people.

And is this how I'll waste taxpayer dollars, buying Ben & Jerry's over more economical brands? And why Ben & Jerry? I'm obviously subliminally promoting gay marriage. The pint came with a plastic band around the top, which I discarded. There goes my stance on environmental issues.

I'm having a town meeting later to explain. But I'm not hoping for much. I've misplaced my birth certificate, so the Internet is abuzz with the scandal that I was never actually born.

Open access to information is important, and I'll take it as the package deal it is. But governance by youtube, cell phones, twitter and blogs isn't contributing much--to governance, to freedom, or to information. It's kids going nuts at recess.

I do not seek, and if nominated, will not accept, the nomination of my party.

Regretfully,

Joe the Uncandidate