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Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 2:13:01 AM   
DraconicAnger


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/2/2006
Status: offline 		I'm tired very tired and I need advice as I have gone through all the experience I have and still have yet to find the answer. The background is posted below.

I have been in the lifestyle for a few years yet due to extenuating circumstances decided to put My desires/wishes on hold until I met someone that would be able to satiate the needs that I had. Kink is only fun for so long and really gets tiresome after all and frankly there is more to life than just sex no matter how great it is. Three years ago I got involved with a woman I had known for years who was in the lifestyle also and claimed to be a sub. My first thoughts were woohoo someone I can share my desires with, work with and grow with. During the first year she got pregnant and her duties were unable to be fulfilled and I understood that. So as a Dom should be caring and understanding I toned down. Then we had another unexpected child on the way and I told her ok do what you can but after your body is repaired things must get back to normal. I'm used to being served amongst other duties being performed like a cup of coffee on my desk prior to me getting up. Breakfast being cooked and served in bed, house kept up to My standards and of course other duties. Now three years later My sub is not what she stated she would be. I now get excuses of her having a bad heart yet she refuses to see the Dr again. She has severe tantrums that put me in situations I would prefer not to be in due to the children and My instinct is the children first. Housework doesn't get done all I get are excuses, and I end up doing everything. I get the feeling she is trying to reverse roles on me and frankly I don't have a submissive bone in my body. I do the things necessary to keep the house in running condition otherwise it would be a pig stye and that is unnaceptable. I have thought about letting her go for quite sometime now, but the children keep coming to mind. She doesn't work and is home all day yet blames the children for the way the house is. I'm home on the weekend and the house is fine. she has even said lets tone things down a bit. So what advice is there to give a tired tired man. I work from 12am-8am clean house when I get home, try and relax then pay attention to My boys. Bitch at her for not doing her job get into a fight rinse and repeat. The simplest answer would be to cut the losses and move on, but as I said earlier My boys are a necessity.

DraconicAnger
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 2:43:03 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		This is one of those situations where no matter how much detail you give there would never be enough to give much accurate advice because even with the best will in the world you can only give one side of the story.

However one thing does stand out as something obvious that can and IMO should be done:-
quote:

I now get excuses of her having a bad heart yet she refuses to see the Dr again.

You're her Dom, don't accept her excusses if she won't go then TAKE her. If she has a bad heart then it needs treatment or at the very least good professional advice. If she doesn't turn out to have a bad heart then you've called her bluff, she is out of cards and you can address the game she is playing with you (Assuming that is what is happening) and take things from there.

HTH

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 3:57:37 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Sounds simplistic but how about making some alone time and *talking* to her - no limits, adult to adult...!?

Right now, you're giving off all the vibes of being trapped in a relationship; that if your boys hadn't "unexpectedly" happened along, you'd have cut and run long ago! And she's gotta be feeling that about you, too, which makes for resentment more than security and family bliss....

Mate, if it really is only your boys keeping you there, your relationship with her is a lie. Forget the boys for now and work out if you two even wanna be together and make decisions from there. No matter how young your sons are, don't think they're not feeling the tension, too!

Communication, communication, communication...!

Focus.

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 5:21:37 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I'm missing some keywords here that may better frame your relationship for Me personally---"relationship", "marriage", "parenting", "co-habiting"--

I see mention of getting together for kink--then somehow living together and babies or two--I see no mention of timeframes before the two of you were in one house--I see no mention of love or a relationship---I will tell you that what I see describe are classic symptoms of two things: Postpartal depression or Chronic Fatigue syndrome--

but I do not see any mention of love or caring on your part and as has been stated a Dominant--(even one who sees his submissive as property) is responsible for ensuring that the submissive is cared for--sounds like to Me, that there is lackluster on both parts--but at the end of the day, she is the mother of your children, so some effort for care is necessary, IMHO

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to DraconicAnger)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 6:14:50 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with what's already been replied and add that your entire story, from start to finish, speaks of someone who feels they have no actual control in their lives and, at each and every step, has simply been a victim of circumstance.

It's time to take responsibility.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 7:23:48 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		you need a reality Check. I sit here and read you post and can't help but be annoyed. It is clear that your exhausted with the situation, but you reflect all the problems orginate with your sub and none with you. Reality check, your both the problem! Before you can effect changes on the problems that you precieve in your sub, you need to be aware your own problems and what you need to fix. My first thoughts with regards to you problems is that your not realistic in your expectations of what can be accomplished. "your body is repaired" what the hell is that!! she's not a machine... what about the emotions and thoughts that she is having from giving birth and trying to learn to be a good Mother, a Good sub and all the rest of things. All you get is excuses! It sounds to me that anything would be an excuse! You not accepting or tolerant of the new responsibilities she has to absorbed... do you even understand how much time and what she must deal with for 2 young boys. From what you state here... both are likely in diapers... one walking and the other crawling! I remember those years very well.... I have FOUR! So I understand the sitauton with yound children very very well. Be there! Done that! Being a mother doesn't come with a training manual.... she is figuring it out on her own. Likely getting lots of conflicting advice from family and friends and all the while, she has a Dom that is putting pressure on her to be the sub once she is Repaired! One child is a challenge, but two young ones is going to be HELL. Especially when they are that young. When they get into the 5-6 range things will get better. They will not be as demanding on the time of the mother. Still lots of time, but not as bad! Playschool is going to be an option then and school will be right around the corner.

She is very likely overwhelmed! seems to me that you not getting into the micro-managing of things. Well you just might have to! It will likely do you some good to actaully see what needs to be cared for. Oh yes, just because you can take care of the boys for the day and get things done... doesn't mean squat! You don't have to deal with her emotions and thoughts and energy levels... and you don't have to deal with YOU! Encase you haven't figured it out yet.... your sub has found herself with 3 Doms!!! not just one! Instead of blindly setting the goal... get involved on organizing things and how the goals will be accomplished. Don't except all goals to be accomplished immediately. Set small goals... Really small goals first. Look around see what she is accomplishing consistently already... NOTE it to her! Express your satisfaction to the things she is accomplishing. Then set a small goal beyond that what is being accomplished. Discuss it.... make sure it is realistic. Consider not just setting the goal... but how it can be accomplished... look for what things could prevent it from being accomplished. Build her Confidence! Work with her! You have set the bar so High... you have set her and you to fail! So my question... Is what you doing working? Well Change what you doing.... quit doing different versions of the same thing.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 7:28:57 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		KnightofMists, you stated what I wanted to state perfectly ( but, I refrained from doing so ), and in a much nicer way than I ever could have.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 8:01:21 AM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		In the Vanilla world we call it divorce. In the lifestyle I'm sure there's some fancy term for it but I don't know what it is.

Basically I'd tell her to get out and don't come back. She's not holding up her end of the agreement (Vanilla OR BDSM) and you don't need that. She's also a draw on your finances and your energy. Use the financial savings to take care of the kids while you work and regain your energy and your self-esteem by living without her. You should probably keep the kids since she's a slob anyway and be sure that you file in court against her for custody. Make her defend herself or walk away. And for Gawd's sake DON'T warn her this is coming. You will need surprise on your side.

This requires a real 'hard-nosed' approach and you can't let yourself soften. You have to go after her with your guns loaded so-to-speak and a totally heartless approach. Man, I don't envy you at all, but I DO wish you the best of luck.

< Message edited by OscarHargraves -- 2/23/2006 8:02:43 AM >

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 8:09:43 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		Children can complicate things, though from what you have written in the opening post, I would venture to say you have lost a considerate degree of your authority over her through the natural process of time and familiarity. I further suspect she always had a degree of this contempt buried somewhere in her psyche.

It is time for you to evaluate the importance of staying with her. Your children are important, yes, but staying in a relationship for the sake children is never a good idea. Even at a very young age they catch on quickly. Not to mention the fact that she may begin to use the children against you, undermining your authority through them over time, if she hasn't already started doing so.

YOU are the dominant male, but you seem to have allowed her to let you forget this somewhat. Communication may or may not help you both at this juncture, but despite this it is time to act or you might as well hand the leash over to her.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 8:41:55 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Marriage is all about dealing with changes. It is important to be supportive of one another and to accept and adopt to the changes in your spouse as best you can. Healthy negotiation skills are of tantamount importance.

As for what you describe, I tend to think the following. D/S is not necessarilly meant to be a lifetime, 24-7 venture --- and if this is your expectation, you are going to have problems.

Might I suggest you and your wife (I gather you are married, maybe I'm wrong) negotiate up and down time. Up time would be her slave time, down time would be her vanilla time. Try to split the difference --- this should help in rearing the family, supporting her, and getting what you desire.

All my friends now essentially have just started families. When you have children between the ages of 1 day and 5 years old, it is a very stressfull demanding, exhausting phase for the parents. What might be bumming you out is the expectation that things would be easier. HELLO --- this is the difficult time. Its not you, its not her, its not the relationship ---- its the objective demands and difficulty of this marital/relationship period.

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 8:57:42 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		He never mentioned "Married" anywhere in the post---he said, "I got involved"--the assumption here cannot be that he is married.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 10:47:54 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Basically I'd tell her to get out and don't come back. She's not holding up her end of the agreement (Vanilla OR BDSM) and you don't need that. She's also a draw on your finances and your energy. Use the financial savings to take care of the kids while you work and regain your energy and your self-esteem by living without her. You should probably keep the kids since she's a slob anyway and be sure that you file in court against her for custody. Make her defend herself or walk away. And for Gawd's sake DON'T warn her this is coming. You will need surprise on your side.


This is probably one of the coldest, most heartless statements I've ever read on this board. We don't have all the details. We don't know what was agreed to before the children came along. There is a LOT of information missing in the OP's post, and to simply tell him to throw her away like last week's garbage is insensitive at best.

Seems to me the OP suffers from 1) lack of planning (they DO know what causes children these days), and 2) unrealistic expectations. Clearly, his sub has some emotional issues going on here, or she'd not be having temper tantrums like her children. From what I've seen thus far, I'd venture a guess that NEITHER of these people is equipped to raise a family, and they're BOTH in need of help. If they're to have any chance at all of putting their relationship back on an even keel, they need to learn to communicate without fighting, learn how to be good parents, and THEN, once that's all in place and the household is running smoothly once more... THEN figure out what it takes to get back the Dom/sub dynamic he wants.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to OscarHargraves)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 10:50:54 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Wonders if he's serious with that response?

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 11:26:51 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Basicly you let this relationship slip and are now complaining about what you help create. The D/s aspect was the reason you two got together. Reguardless of whatever else happened, you should not have let that slip. Because you did, she now feels like she get get away with whatever comes across her wee mind. Including agruing and not keeping the house. I think putting some space between you and her is a good idea. Move out and on your own to get things straight for you and then come back to the table. If she doesn't have her shit together then don't proceed with ANY relationship with her until she does. If that means finding someone else to have a casual D/s with to fulfill your need, then so be it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on by moving out. You won't be happy if you stick with this.

Now mind you that I'm not saying to turn your back on your kids. Quite the opposite. You have a responsibility to them and you need to keep it with them. But she is another story. You seem to have lost everything that kept the two of you together so you need to just move on.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:08:54 PM   
Wolfspet


Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		We have raised 2 to adulthood, and presently are raising our third. From the OP I surmise the boys are in the under three catagory .
Dose of reality:
Cup of coffee waiting when you wake up, and breakfast in bed with two toddlers in the house IS NOT realistic.

Standards of what is "clean" in the house also change with 2 TODDLERS. It is feasible to me why the house is cleaner on the weekend, there are 2 of you picking up against the constant wreckage children tend to leave in their path.

If she is "deperessive" the constant fighting and arguing is causing a further downspiral.

My suggestion, both of you get your asses to a counselor before you fuck up the wee ones with your acts. Dedcide if you can pull it together and act as a family, or of you would be better off to not live together. They need both of their parents, not necessarily living together, but you two have to find a way to deal with each other for the next 17 years till they are grown, and since you decided to have children, be it through accident or design, you took a responsibility on that you need to take seriously.

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:14:14 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

You should probably keep the kids since she's a slob anyway and be sure that you file in court against her for custody. Make her defend herself or walk away. And for Gawd's sake DON'T warn her this is coming. You will need surprise on your side.

This requires a real 'hard-nosed' approach and you can't let yourself soften. You have to go after her with your guns loaded so-to-speak and a totally heartless approach. Man, I don't envy you at all, but I DO wish you the best of luck.


This is excellent advice... if you want your boys to hate you for being a total bastard to their mother.

I think Wolfspet made some excellent points and I can't say it any better than she already did.

Celeste


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:22:36 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like the Sir entered one type of relationship and got another. The pregnancies werent planned, He wasnt involved in the choice to have children or the lifestyle children bring to parents. In that way he is a victim, although responsible in regards to having not made sure in the first place his sub has adequate birth control. So he is stuck in a life he did not choose. That can be a miserable existance.

So along come the babies and now he has to play mommy and daddy, of course the nature of the human parent is to love and have an attachment and feel a responsibility to your children, so he is now, trapped, feeling responsible, not living a life he chose, and feeling overwhelmed and conflicted about it all.

What to do?

He could accept the change in his life and the life path he is now on, which will mean changing his perspective on how he views the relationship and not cling to how it "should have been" in this way He could find happiness and with that feel more energetic about the relationship itself.

He could go on like he is till he is at breaking point, find another lover and eventually leave his partner and his kids, go through the courts and pay child support for the rest of his life. After the initial grief of separation and going through the anxieties and turmoils of leaving a family, He could eventually find happiness this way too.

I'm sorry for your predicament Sir, I wish you all the best and i wish your partner and your children all the best too.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:32:02 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

It sounds to me like the Sir entered one type of relationship and got another. The pregnancies werent planned, He wasnt involved in the choice to have children or the lifestyle children bring to parents. In that way he is a victim, although responsible in regards to having not made sure in the first place his sub has adequate birth control. So he is stuck in a life he did not choose. That can be a miserable existance.


the very instant HE decided to have unprotected sex with her he made the conscious choice to risk the potential outcome.....children. i (just my own opinion) do not in any way, shape or form think the OP is a victim.


_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:37:57 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:

the very instant HE decided to have unprotected sex with her he made the conscious choice to risk the potential outcome.....children.


Well ..as a Dominant He is responsible to guide the relationship in the way of his choice, He should have made sure his subbie had adequate birth control. He has made a huge mistake that is going to effect the rest of his life, and hers.

The victimisation i mentioned meant that he is trapped in a life he didnt choose, no more, no less.

There are tons of things in life we do that we dont consider the repercussions to (I'm not giving excuses for doing this, but it does happen), i know preganancy and children is a touchy and emotional subject, but when it all boils down, whenver we dont think of repercussions to an action, we often wind up with a situation that wasnt planned or wanted and we are going to suffer the subsequent unhappiness.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 2/23/2006 12:43:15 PM >

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:39:34 PM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		well the OP has painted a very one sided story. I would be curious to hear her side of the story. It sounds to me like a very heart to heart talk with your partner is in order. Not attacking..blaming, just finding out where she is at. I have been at that end. Raising two boys myself while my husband was too busy with his career. I felt isolated and alone. Now my husband is not my Dom..however, it still is a relationship. It still is a partnership. So instead of attacking her on why the house is such a mess..try to find out why she lacks motivation. It works both ways. She might be a submissive who responds best to positive reinforcement..rather than negative. The only way any of this is going to be solved is by open and honest communication. It may even lead to couples counseling with a kink aware councelor. But to kick her out because the house isn't clean? come on. Because you aren't getting your coffee when you first wake up?? It seems a bit selfish and self serving to me.

(in reply to DraconicAnger)
Profile   Post #: 20
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