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RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:45:52 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I have to tread carefully because whenever someone who hasn't actually born and raised children themselves try and speak to these situations, they tend to be completely disregarded (at best).

The first years of a childrens life- your life does not belong to you. It belongs to them. Now, even parents of infants can get their alone moments, their blissful breaks. But, for the most part, until your child can walk, talk, dress, eat, and understand the concept of waiting- your life isn't yours. Everything is about and for them.

It won't always be like that. Once they go to school, once they get their own friends, their independence will grow, which means they lose the need for dependence on you at such an intense level like they do now. This means more free time in general, more ability to not need all direct attention focused on them, and more energy for your own self.

I think you've got a major communication breakdown here, as well as a big case of blame. Fix both of those and see where things lie. Look at the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DraconicAnger)

Post #: 21

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:46:55 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

My advice is going to be somewhere between the "Cure your sub" and the "dump the bitch" varieties that have been presented.
I have 3 short people, so know a bit about what they involve (the 1st 2 were only 16 months apart). I strongly suggest that you forget about if the D/s dynamic is working for the moment, I get the impression that even as a vanilla relationship this one is fast going to hell in a handbasket. My advice is to forget about what you thought being the "Dom" and her the "sub" would mean, its time for you to BE the Dom in the truest sense of the word.
Step back and examine the relationship on a basic vanilla man-to-woman and partners in parenting level. If it cannot be saved on that level, then yes, it is time to start shopping for a lawyer. But if you and she can work things out so they are smooth on that level, then you will have a firm footing on which to rebuild the D/s part of the relationship.
Go back up and reread KnightofMists' post...it is GOOD advice, amongst the best possible. And if things just keep going downhill, then take OscarHargraves advice, because when it comes time for a breakup, my advice is to pull no punches, because she won't.

Good luck, I mean it

_____________________________

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(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 22

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 12:49:45 PM

BanginPapa

Posts: 88
Joined: 2/20/2005
Status: offline

I have to side with MrDiscipline on this issue - the entire situation sounds out of control and it's time for YOU to step away and reevaluate - what she does is on her.

As far as the children go, believe me when I say they are already aware of a nameless something causing them discomfort.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 23

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 1:17:24 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

When it comes to the kids, be a true Dom there to and do the best for them in the situation regardless of your own emotions and ego. I had to do that with mine, haven't seen him for 8 years but better than the constant back biting that his mother wanted to engauge in. IMO that would have damaged him rather than having a dad he knew he could come and find once he is old enough. Right decision? I am still not sure, but best decision I could see in the circumstances and I stuck to it regardless of how much it hurt to do so.

Put them first, make the decision and carry it through. Good luck whichever way you decide.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to BanginPapa)

Post #: 24

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 1:17:40 PM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DraconicAnger

I'm tired very tired and I need advice as I have gone through all the experience I have and still have yet to find the answer. The background is posted below.

I have been in the lifestyle for a few years yet due to extenuating circumstances decided to put My desires/wishes on hold until I met someone that would be able to satiate the needs that I had. Kink is only fun for so long and really gets tiresome after all and frankly there is more to life than just sex no matter how great it is. Three years ago I got involved with a woman I had known for years who was in the lifestyle also and claimed to be a sub. My first thoughts were woohoo someone I can share my desires with, work with and grow with. During the first year she got pregnant and her duties were unable to be fulfilled and I understood that. So as a Dom should be caring and understanding I toned down. Then we had another unexpected child on the way and I told her ok do what you can but after your body is repaired things must get back to normal. I'm used to being served amongst other duties being performed like a cup of coffee on my desk prior to me getting up. Breakfast being cooked and served in bed, house kept up to My standards and of course other duties. Now three years later My sub is not what she stated she would be. I now get excuses of her having a bad heart yet she refuses to see the Dr again. She has severe tantrums that put me in situations I would prefer not to be in due to the children and My instinct is the children first. Housework doesn't get done all I get are excuses, and I end up doing everything. I get the feeling she is trying to reverse roles on me and frankly I don't have a submissive bone in my body. I do the things necessary to keep the house in running condition otherwise it would be a pig stye and that is unnaceptable. I have thought about letting her go for quite sometime now, but the children keep coming to mind. She doesn't work and is home all day yet blames the children for the way the house is. I'm home on the weekend and the house is fine. she has even said lets tone things down a bit. So what advice is there to give a tired tired man. I work from 12am-8am clean house when I get home, try and relax then pay attention to My boys. Bitch at her for not doing her job get into a fight rinse and repeat. The simplest answer would be to cut the losses and move on, but as I said earlier My boys are a necessity.

DraconicAnger

I'm just about outspoken enough to have a go at this even though I'm not a Dom.

You are both in an equal place - you're tired and feeling hopeless, she's tired and feeling hopeless. I don't think the onus is on either one of you to make things better - these things happen and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault; you're both going to have to make some changes to your outlook. Relationships, whether Vanilla or otherwise ALWAYS face some sort of change when kids come along. I don't think things can ever be 'the same', and I don't think you should expect them to. I think some sort of relationship redefinition is going to be needed here.

If you walk out, have no illusions, you WILL be walking out on your kids and there WILL be further unhappiness in store.

Does your dominance have a fatherly side? Does her submission have a dutiful side? Can you start from scratch again? Explore the ideas of your togetherness again? Is there a chance you could spend some time alone together without the kids?

Someone mentioned depression - it's hard to say if depression is present because sometimes the symptoms of plain exhaustion mimic it, however I can tell you from experience that when I get down the first thing to slide is my standards of housekeeping, so maybe that is a clue. And frankly the heart thing has got me worried. When health issues are involved, then most people would consider that a priority over everything else.

You are a Dominant, and although I don't know the exact dynamics of your relationship, now might be a good time to exercise an implied right to her thoughts. How well do you know her mind? Do you know what she desires and feels? If you did know, would that be something helpful to you? Does she know how disregarded you are feeling?

Well, I think it's time to backtrack a bit and see what you can save before things get worse.

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to DraconicAnger)

Post #: 25

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 1:23:45 PM

justatoy2

Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

LA i have to respond to you. You are so right. When you have small children...your life is no longer your own. It is about them. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. We all know what causes pregnancy and yet there are still unplanned pregnancies. I thought your response was right on target. I applaud your insight..especially for someone who doesn't have children of her own.
One part i wanted to add...as a mother, who has done the stay at home mom thing, noone can truly understand what it is like until you walk in those shoes. The mother/partner of this scenario could be going through a depression or who knows what? The only advice i can give is it might be time to seek professional help for both parties involved.
cheers.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 26

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 2:52:28 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justatoy2

LA i have to respond to you. You are so right. When you have small children...your life is no longer your own. It is about them. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. We all know what causes pregnancy and yet there are still unplanned pregnancies. I thought your response was right on target. I applaud your insight..especially for someone who doesn't have children of her own.
One part i wanted to add...as a mother, who has done the stay at home mom thing, noone can truly understand what it is like until you walk in those shoes. The mother/partner of this scenario could be going through a depression or who knows what? The only advice i can give is it might be time to seek professional help for both parties involved.
cheers.

I agree... LA gave great advice....

(amazing she doesn't even have children! <sarcasm)... who would of thought... well I would of... LA is pretty smart lady! I always take a second look at her opinions just because the wisdom is very often close to the mark!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 2/23/2006 3:18:34 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to justatoy2)

Post #: 27

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 3:05:50 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

The victimisation i mentioned meant that he is trapped in a life he didnt choose, no more, no less.

But he did choose this outcome, play Russian Roulette with mother nature and this is what happens.

Shes dealing with feeding and changing one child while the oher is now mobile enough to cause trouble in another part of the room. She has just been spit up on for the 25th time today, or been sprayed whil trying to change a diaper and coral the older one. You walk in and complain about the house. Gee I can't see any reason why a tantrum might errupt.

K

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 28

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 3:17:08 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

The victimisation i mentioned meant that he is trapped in a life he didnt choose, no more, no less.

mmmmmm Trapped how??? He chooses to stay in that relationship or he chooses to get out... HE is not Trapped! The idea he is a victim is absolutely absurd.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 29

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 3:37:43 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I dunno, i just feel for men who get tangled up with a woman who gets pregnant to keep them or for whatever reason she allowed herself to get pregnant, its all very good to say he is absolutely reponsible, i see situations like this so often and everyone immediately feels sorry for the woman, or takes her side..its the obvious path of compassion....

But seeing this thread is about the Sirs concerns and anxieties, its all very well and good to say "you made your bed now lay in it"..but that doesnt stop his frustration, or his worry, or his dilemma or his obvious unhappiness...

I'm not addressing the womans issues, or the childrens really, no one can live their life completely for someone else, even if it is a child..if a parent is unhappy, disgruntled, feeling trapped etc etc its going to affect the children anyways...the parents happiness is imperative to the childs well-being...there is more to raising a child than providing for them, or feeding them or taking them to football matches...the environment of the home is going to have a profound effect on them as well....mom and dad arent happy, the kids arent going to be.

I just feel sorry for all concerned, damn i wish this was a perfect world.

Still say, two options: Accept and fix....or...leave and fix.

KnightofMists: Sir, sorry i put that reply in before I saw your post. To address that...
He is a victim of his own actions. I guess i dont see the word victim as most people do, i just see it as someone suffering the affects of an action.

double edit lol: Also he could be feeling trapped by a dilemma. His moral repsonbility and love for his children and his obvious unhappiness in the relationship..thats a kind of trappedness..and invisible kind..but it can feel very real and its a hard box to get out of.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 2/23/2006 3:44:21 PM >

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 30

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 3:55:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Where did the unprotected sex/russian roullette get decided?

Speaking as someone who is a product of "good birth control failing" as well as my boyfriend, we can both attest that you can be doing everything RIGHT and still get caught in a situation you don't really want to be in.

I don't know that it makes him a VICTIM per se, but it's understandable why he would feel trapped.

It's not understandable why he's having unrealistic expectations and coming online about it rather than taking her to the doctor to get checked out and going to counseling with her.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 31

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:12:05 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

I well remember being home alone all day with a baby who never slept during the day and an active 4 year old. I didn't have time to do anything except take care of the kids and cook a meal in the evening. My ex would come home after being on the farm and wonder why I was exhausted and stressed - I'm sure I had undiagnosed PND for the first 6 months of my baby's life, it is just a blur.

quote:

I'm used to being served amongst other duties being performed like a cup of coffee on my desk prior to me getting up. Breakfast being cooked and served in bed, house kept up to My standards and of course other duties.

I'm afraid your expectations will have to go on hold for a while. Babies and toddlers come first. I could only manage the basics for ages, my mother would sometimes come by to help out. Which is a thought, could you get someone to come in for a couple of hours a week to give the place a good clean if it's not up to your standards?

quote:

She doesn't work and is home all day

Doesn't work?? Looking after children is the equivalent of TWO full time jobs!!

She needs your support not your bitching. This is still a sore point with me as my ex used to complain too but he was "too busy" on the farm to take a couple of hours to help me with things.

And please, get an effective method of birth control in place. There's really no excuse these days for an unplanned pregnancy. If you definitely do not want any more children, get a vasectomy or your partner get her tubes tied. If she has heart problems she really should not be having any more children.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 32

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:15:07 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Lucky, that may very well be the case, but with the care in which he says everything else has been rum I would put my money there.

Either way you are 100% correct, a victim it does not make, though I have the feeling he is looking for more symapthy and the suggestions for a quick fix or to dump her than he is anything meaingfull.

That said, I would love to be wrong.

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 2/23/2006 4:16:57 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 33

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:24:35 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It sounds to me like the Sir entered one type of relationship and got another. The pregnancies werent planned, He wasnt involved in the choice to have children or the lifestyle children bring to parents. In that way he is a victim, although responsible in regards to having not made sure in the first place his sub has adequate birth control. So he is stuck in a life he did not choose. That can be a miserable existance.

Bull. He was just as involved in the creation of those children as she was. If he didn't want kids, HE should have made sure HE was adequately protected. The only "victim" here is those two children who have to listen to daddy "bitch" (his word, not mine) at mommy every night, and then listen to the subsequent fighting and tantrums.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 34

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:34:15 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

It seems, people are stuck on the word "victim". What it means to me when I've used it here is:

2 : one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent: as a

(1) : one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions

(He has been adversely affected by the position he has found himself in; the agent here being his relationship and the results of that)

(2) : one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.

(He is suffering hardship because of the position he finds himself in)

If those interpretations dont sit well with you, please feel free to subsitute a different word than victim *grin*

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 35

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:47:38 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

(He has been adversely affected by the position he has found himself in; the agent here being his relationship and the results of that)

(2) : one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.

(He is suffering hardship because of the position he finds himself in)

The position he put himself in. Granted, it's a difficult situation for anyone to be in. (That's why I waited 10 years to have my second child.) But he is just as responsible for the situation as she is, and he's handling it badly.

The two of them need professional help. I think all that can be said here has been said.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 36

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 4:56:40 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

True enough..hope it all works out for all concerned.

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 37

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 5:35:05 PM

wouldlike2

Posts: 89
Joined: 9/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Your children are important, yes, but staying in a relationship for the sake children is never a good idea. Even at a very young age they catch on quickly.

i do agree with that ords very well - just for the children sakes?? honestly i guess it is not worth - especially like told before children very sensitive about things like that, even they may will not talk about.
beside that i do not know all the circumstances and views, except the one was given here....

it seems like both of You in a situation none is satisfied, happy with.
to be in a situation like this costs energy and probably You both will loose a lot of them....
so i do ask is there any solution to find a way, an agreement to change this fact?
talking - communicating, being honest and putting the facts open on the table?

may thats a moment gonna hurt cause You both find out that You lived by an illusion? a vision, a dream ?
may You both find out that Your personal goals changed or simple You found out it need another daily plan to keep all the tasks ongoing?
i guess the best thing first will be talk to each other and being honest....
if the facts on the table they can be changed... as long as You and may her both assume... it will be like roulette to find out what may is necessary to change...

but i would like to share also - i am a single mother since my kid was born. and my son got the breath milk for nearly one year every hour the first six month (yes he was greedy - smile)
beside that i cleaned my house, taking care of my child, being working, being self - employed and to study also...
there was no mess around me ( and yes kids play and the childrenroom looked like a battlefield sometimes - smile)
but i guess important about all - that i am able to do - still able to do...
i am happy with - satisfied... so i am able to give a lot...

and may thats the point? who knows?

_____________________________

Love arises from the mind while the body follows and reflect the soul

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 38

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 6:34:09 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Wolfspet gives excellent advice.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to Wolfspet)

Post #: 39

RE: Tired Dom seeking Advice from other Dom/me - 2/23/2006 7:18:39 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

KnightofMists: Sir, sorry i put that reply in before I saw your post. To address that...
He is a victim of his own actions. I guess i dont see the word victim as most people do, i just see it as someone suffering the affects of an action.

jali... understanding how you use the term victim allows me much better to understand what you are trying to say. Yes I would agree that you not using the term as most people do. However, it's really not the term that matters it's the context or definition that you apply to it. In understanding your definition to the specific term, I think we actual agree. Where you use the term victim.... I just call it the consequence of ones actions! Sometimes we benefit from the those consequences, sometimes we will suffer from them. Thank you for express you use of the term, I can much better appreciate and understand what you are trying to say.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 40

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