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Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 9:02:31 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		I'm a gay male Dom with 30-plus years in the scene.  I have a slave applicant "on the line."  He and I have been chatting for 3 weeks, getting to know each other bit by bit.  Turns out he's been a "boi" (his word, not mine) for 24 years and has an "overwhelming" desire to be a slave and to learn about BDSM.  So, what's the problem?  Tonight, I found out that he is addicted to gay porn.  I know addiction to drugs and/or alcohol would be a deal-breaker for me, as it would be for most.  Of course, most female subs are not drawn to porn, much less addicted, but let's throw this out there and see what we get.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 9:04:19 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I assume you're referring to online porn?  If you're RL, restrict his Internet access.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LanceHughes)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 9:14:38 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		Not yet RL.. He's "willing to re-locate."  I'm looking for people to post that have had addictions in their slaves.  NOT easy to restrict access to on-line porno.  After all, isn't that why God gave us libraries?  I can see sending him on an errand that just happens to take longer than it "should."

Let me re-phrase the question: "How can a slave serve two masters?  Me and his porno?"

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 10:00:13 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		A slave serves his or her Master or Mistress alone with such flim flammery as cyber porn, computer games and TV being something to spend what free time the slave is allowed. Such pursuits are secondary to the service to an owner. Breach that and the deal or collar is broken jusr as it woulkd be were some one to make the mistake of coming between Lady Neets and I. BHags packed out the front doos arse on pavment outside the property and hit the road jack (or jill)and no questions asked or discussions entered into. My word in my home is law.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 10:06:40 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Not yet RL.. He's "willing to re-locate."  I'm looking for people to post that have had addictions in their slaves.  NOT easy to restrict access to on-line porno.  After all, isn't that why God gave us libraries?  I can see sending him on an errand that just happens to take longer than it "should."

Let me re-phrase the question: "How can a slave serve two masters?  Me and his porno?"


Well, without putting too fine a point on it, he's looking at gay porn, right? addict your ass to it all you want, You can watch that shit 24/7/365/ so long as my needs are met. If he is addicted to pictures of pussies, whole nother deal.

Why addicted? How addicted? like cigarettes, or like pulling up pants?

See if you can wrap your arms around this 'addicted', might not be nothing ............just a word, but you can't master what you don;t know the first fuckin thing about



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to LanceHughes)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/21/2009 10:55:10 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

...Let me re-phrase the question: "How can a slave serve two masters? Me and his porno?"

Unless he's making really bad decisions as a result of this porn habit (like overspending on it, for example), then I don't necessarily see it as a problem.

I think porn gets you into a weird little feedback loop with creating desire and sating it...it gets sort of like Pavlovian conditioning, maybe.

Depends on what the actual repercussions are, but I think that, usually, this is one of those "addictions" that people can handle themselves, if they feel they need to.

If I had a sub habituated to porn, I'm not sure if that would be a bad thing.

My point of view, of course; other's mileage will vary.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to LanceHughes)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 5:15:44 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
NOT easy to restrict access to on-line porno.  After all, isn't that why God gave us libraries? 

Some seem to think so. I've worked in libraries for going on seven years now and it's amazing how many idiots think that's what we exist for. OK, that's off my chest

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 5:32:59 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		If you cant take enough control over him to make him give up something as simple as porn, then do you really think he is going to be the slave for you? Giving up nicotine and drugs and alcohol have to do with major chemical dependencies in the body. Giving up porn means that he is not given free access to masturbate whenever he pleases any longer. I dont know anyone who watches porn for the amazing plots and fantastic acting. As part of your training, limit his masturbation. Orgasm control is a very useful and common starting point for newer BDSM couples of any gender. If he cannot put you first and obey your rules, then let him go. If he can, problem solved.

DV


_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 6:00:45 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Not yet RL.. He's "willing to re-locate."  I'm looking for people to post that have had addictions in their slaves.  NOT easy to restrict access to on-line porno.  After all, isn't that why God gave us libraries?  I can see sending him on an errand that just happens to take longer than it "should."

Let me re-phrase the question: "How can a slave serve two masters?  Me and his porno?"


It's clear this guy's addiction is affecting you, but I am curious as to how it is affecting you? Does he not do as he's told (or, more likely, when he is told to do it?) because he's cruising the porn sites and can't drag himself away? Or do you just see trouble ahead and a discipline problem becuase he admitted this addiction to you? I'm wondering if at this point you have an actual obedience problem on your hands or just a potential one?

Also, what does he personally mean by 'boi?" I've seen the term used in a wide variety of contexts, it's one of those newly-minted words that does not have a standard definition yet, it means many different things depending upon who you talk to.

No, "parental controls" don't work very well with adult slaves--they can usually figure out how to hack them. ;) But while you can't restrict the porn or his potential access to it, what happens when you restrict him? Have you experimented with this?

Ok, you did say three weeks. That's a little early to be testing remote orders and trusting them to be carried out, although you can start with some very small, easy to comply with and verifiable commands (nonsexual or at least unrelated to porn) and see how well he obeys them. That will give you some kind of indication of how much trouble he's going to be to train to imeediate and complete obedience. Most submissives, especially those with no experience, need some kind of training in this area, as you probably know. They don't pop fresh from the toaster knowing how to obey!

Maybe you could order him to orgasm without access to any pornography for several hours before. If he was compliant you could gradully increase the frequency of this, until he is cumming exclusively from the thoughts in his head. As he does this sucessfully, reward him. A good reward for many submissives is acecss to their dominant. Playtime, over the phone or in chat, or if you don't play directly that way, just talk to him about what you intend to do to/with him.


(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 6:27:28 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It may well be that after he's had enough of the real thing, he won't need the porn any longer. But if he's feeding his kink needs with the porn, then he shouldn't need nearly as much of it once he's satisfying those needs in r/l.

Ask him if in past relationships he would spend his free time surfing porn sites and not with his partner or if the porn was for alone times.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 7:46:16 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not completely sold on the idea that he's actually medically "addicted" to gay porn.  I mean, many times in casual conversation I've heard things like, "Oh these cookies are addicting" or "I'm addicted to buying shoes".  I personally consider myself "addicted" to my morning coffee, I'm drinking it right now and get a horrific headache if I haven't had it in a day or so.  But if I decided to give it up, I don't need to go to rehab.  An Excedrin would get me though. 

I suspect he's just a horny guy (and there's nothing wrong with that!) who looks at porn a lot, it turns him on and he gets off on it, and he finds himself back watching it, but a true addiction?  I'm doubting it.

Like the word "fetish" I think it's just another word that gets overused incorrectly, but is kinda fun to use.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 8/22/2009 7:47:38 AM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 8:41:21 AM   
fuzzywumpas


Posts: 43
Joined: 3/17/2009
From: A galaxy far, far away...
Status: offline 		OP, as a female submissive, who enjoys her porn and doesn't mind admitting it, I would say that, based on personal past experiences with a few people addicted to porn, that yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.  I've been in a situation with a Dominant who preferred staying up late watching online porn and cybering than doing anything with me. No matter what I was willing to do, and I have quite a range of pleasures. Maybe it's not commonly known but watching something, like porn, actually changes the pathways in the brain and studies have shown that addiction to porn can be a medical issue. It literally changes how the brain works and future sensations, physically and mentally. That doesn't even begin to take in to account any other issues that might come into play from the "addiction", like no job (too busy watching porn to hold a steady job), alienated friends and family because of lack of interaction (again, preferring to watch porn over r/t activities and people), as mentioned before - overspent money and financial irresponsibility because of porn, all sorts of things.

So unless they could prove that they have stopped it, yep! It's a deal breaker with me. I will never allow myself to go through again being ignored so someone could go wank while watching porn. I'm still dealing with the negative emotional issues from that crap. And as a sub? If I was to ignore my owner in favour of the porn, I would expect severe discipline, but then again, if you're too busy watching porn, how would you even know you did something wrong, especially since you told your owner you were addicted to it?



(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 8:53:30 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		OP here: Thanks to all for the great comments / suggestions.  Clearly, I left out the level of "addiction" (not purposefully, mind you.)  I was so very, Very, VERY angry when I found out about this, that I just raced over here and typed up my question to y'all.

The "left out part": I was waiting in chat at an agreed upon time when he showed up some 40 minutes late with the "excuse" that he had been checking his e-mails on 50 (count 'em - fifty) Yahoo groups.

I think the obedience question is resolved, don't you?

If he can't get his ass to a chat session, I'm sure he's not for me (your mileage might vary.)  Thank you all for helping me think this through.

Regards, Lance
P.S.  Did I say how angry I was? LOL

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 8/22/2009 9:00:43 AM >

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 9:07:35 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		  Ow, that's a bit much, OP.... not your anger, I agree with it, but in what he did. "Bad boy, very BAD boy!" If I was 40 minutes late for a meeting with Daddy, I'd better have a damned good excuse but checking email and missing Him? OH HELL NO - my ass would be busted and I wouldn't be sitting for a while!

Good luck in your search!


_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 9:18:51 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		So his yahoo groups come before you.

Lance, this is in the courtship stage.  It ain't gonna get better.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Rainfire)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 9:58:08 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
Not yet RL.. He's "willing to re-locate."  I'm looking for people to post that have had addictions in their slaves.  NOT easy to restrict access to on-line porno.  After all, isn't that why God gave us libraries?  I can see sending him on an errand that just happens to take longer than it "should."

Let me re-phrase the question: "How can a slave serve two masters?  Me and his porno?"

Carol is addicted to Alchohol. In our case, this isn't an issue because her addiction, along with all the rest of her, was given to me. Since I'm not the one addicted to the chemical, I have much clearer viewpoints on the problem and various mitigation and resolution strategies. In the end, Carol cannot serve two masters, nor would I let her. But she's decided that being my slave is more important than drinking.

Everyone's definitions are, of course, their own. But when I think of "slave", I think of TPE. And the "T" in tpe includes ... just as you'd expect... everything. Let me point out that alchohol is also readily available and it'd be trivial for Carol to sneak drinks in one way or another. If I even suspected this was possible for her, I wouldn't consider her my slave.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 10:03:00 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		Question for leadership527: OP (original poster) here:  I'm guessing TPE = THE power exchange.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 10:13:45 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		TOTAL Power Exchange, OP....

(But I apologize for not being Leadership, though he and I have often agreed on a number of items.) 




_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 10:17:27 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

I'm a gay male Dom with 30-plus years in the scene.  I have a slave applicant "on the line."  He and I have been chatting for 3 weeks, getting to know each other bit by bit.  Turns out he's been a "boi" (his word, not mine) for 24 years and has an "overwhelming" desire to be a slave and to learn about BDSM.  So, what's the problem?  Tonight, I found out that he is addicted to gay porn.  I know addiction to drugs and/or alcohol would be a deal-breaker for me, as it would be for most.  Of course, most female subs are not drawn to porn, much less addicted, but let's throw this out there and see what we get.

I like kink.com porn and I am a female submissive. I didnt like porn in my younger years but I like watching sexandsubmission and also TSseduction and Boundgods. The "gay"porn turns alot of straight women on even though we are not interested in actually being involved with those men, we like to watch it!

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Deal breaker? - 8/22/2009 10:21:38 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Not everybody watches porn to geth orny or with the intention of  masturbating later on. Of course I know those who don't watch it for those reasons are rare. Sometimes if the porn is lame enough I'll watch it with Daddy to make fun of how stupid it is, and one time at a fem dom sleep over party we watched some really bad porn to make fun of it and laugh,


quote:

ORIGINAL: VampiresLair

I dont know anyone who watches porn for the amazing plots and fantastic acting. A

DV


(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 20
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