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You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submissive... - 8/23/2009 3:26:27 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline 		I need some insight on this. For the past few weeks, girls that I met out in the "vanilla" world all say they aren't into BDSM, bondage, or being used. Okay, cool, right? No.

Because they go on to say they like to serve, be tied up, and submitting to males.


Keep in mind I'm 20, so the girls are all around there, too, so are they being "young rebels" and rebelling against terminology, or am I completely missing something?
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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:32:29 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		It is more likely they are missing something.  They see the BDSM related porn all over the net and think that is what constitutes a relationship in this lifestyle.  If you are only 20, I am guessing the girls are near to that age also.  Most of them are only just now discovering what they really like or are into. 

If they like to serve and to submit, and if you are dominant, and if there is real chemistry, then go with that.  Begin with what they are comfortable doing and explore their boundaries.  In many cases you will find that those boundaries are not really all that concrete. 

Well that is what I did, more or less, at that age.  I did not even call it BDSM, myself back then, for that matter.


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(in reply to TearsofLove92)
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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:37:27 PM   
DionysusRed


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Stop thinking, start living. Respect the feedback. Feed the hunger.

Be human.

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:39:53 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

It is more likely they are missing something.  They see the BDSM related porn all over the net and think that is what constitutes a relationship in this lifestyle.  If you are only 20, I am guessing the girls are near to that age also.  Most of them are only just now discovering what they really like or are into. 

If they like to serve and to submit, and if you are dominant, and if there is real chemistry, then go with that.  Begin with what they are comfortable doing and explore their boundaries.  In many cases you will find that those boundaries are not really all that concrete. 

Well that is what I did, more or less, at that age.  I did not even call it BDSM, myself back then, for that matter.



I was pretty sure this was going to be the answer, but opinions never hurt. I, on the other hand, refuse to Dom ANYBODY who doesn't know what they want. And by that, I mean ANYTHING they want.

They think submitting to me is all about the kinky play, etc etc, and then when it's over, they can come and cuddle up, leave the next morning, and tell everybody else we had dinner at Olive Garden. That's not what submission is to me. I like to take the mind, the body, the soul, but if all I get is a couple of hours of a girl in bondage, that's not good enough. (I so fail as a male my age for saying that.)

Anywho, I have tried talking to them about things, but all they want is some kink, mixed with a kiss, and to be told they are "good".

I have no problems at all training slaves, but when a ditz comes along that can't even tell me what the hell she needs training in, I tell her to F off. Bad experiences with multiple people like that in the past, and I, of all people know, that those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

(in reply to Maxwell67)
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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:40:38 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Misperception.  I knew a lot of folks who thought that Doms wore all black leather, barked out orders, and had no sense of humor.  They just figured that I wasn't a real Dom.

I assume that's where your girls are coming from.


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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:40:41 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92

I need some insight on this. For the past few weeks, girls that I met out in the "vanilla" world all say they aren't into BDSM, bondage, or being used. Okay, cool, right? No.

Because they go on to say they like to serve, be tied up, and submitting to males.

Keep in mind I'm 20, so the girls are all around there, too, so are they being "young rebels" and rebelling against terminology, or am I completely missing something?



women are accused of trying to read between the lines far too often and i'd caution you against doing the same. just take them at their word and don't attempt to analyze the "real" meaning behind what they've said. it is possible they're content with casual play and nothing more and consider it part of their sex lives. categorizing and defining themselves is neither desired or necessary. there's also the idea that they understand far more than you realize and the more involved aspects of many bdsm relationships have zero appeal. which is to say the exchange is not warranted/wanted, but a little kink is okay. just enjoy the experience and see where it leads.

porcelaine


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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:41:22 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		It's also quite possible they see what they like as just being a bit of kinky sex, they may view BDSM as the much "harder core" stuff. But I agree ... don't get hung up on the labels, explore!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:43:43 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

It is more likely they are missing something.  They see the BDSM related porn all over the net and think that is what constitutes a relationship in this lifestyle.  If you are only 20, I am guessing the girls are near to that age also.  Most of them are only just now discovering what they really like or are into. 

If they like to serve and to submit, and if you are dominant, and if there is real chemistry, then go with that.  Begin with what they are comfortable doing and explore their boundaries.  In many cases you will find that those boundaries are not really all that concrete.

Well said, Maxwell! For many girls, the terminology is squicky because they don't know enough about how D/s and BDSM can work in a real life relationship. All they know is what they have heard, and that is usually very negative.

OP- forget the terminology for now. Do what works for you and your parter for your mutual enjoyment. You can always introduce the terms later on, once she is a bit more educated and open to it.
Good luck, and welcome to the forums!

< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 8/23/2009 3:44:07 PM >

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:44:18 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline 		Ah, most are saying I should go for it and see where it leads, and not to read between the lines.

I've learned that with women, most women at least, the writing between the lines is often more important than anything they do, or say. The "between" the lines are actually how they feel, which will then influence their actions. Complete honesty is required with me, and if I'm stuck trying to read between lines, I want nothing to do with the person. The past has shown me this is the best way to go.

(in reply to MaamJay)
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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:45:45 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		wrap you in some clothesline, slap and tickle and cum on your face or tits, is not the in the same realm as whips and chains and nailing your tits to the fireplace in dolcette fashion sorta bdsm things real folk do.

Ron

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 3:49:53 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		*pssst*
 
You'll find the smart girls in college. 
 
 
Welcome to the boards, OP! Explore, and have FUN!

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:01:50 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It's quite possible that what they mean is that they like being tied up, like the service aspect, but not into heavier S/m.  Casual play is part of BDSM, but it's not what most think of when they hear the term.  What that really boils down to is a lack of education and them identifying their preconceived notion of what BDSM means to them.

What's coming across to Me is that the gals you are dealing with are more interested in simple bedroom bondage and you're looking for something that exists in and out of the bedroom.  That could be an incompatibility.

It's ok for you to want more.  At the same time, it's ok for someone else not to want more.  There are a lot of folks who aren't interested in submission that is only within certain confines.  You're not failing your age group.  If it's not enough for you, find an arrangement that is.



Edited for punctuation of all things.  I'm slipping.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 8/23/2009 4:03:15 PM >

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:16:17 PM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline 		If they associate BDSM and bondage with being used in a negative way, as in against their will, wouldn't their no against being (ab)used be a good thing if they don't understand that BDSM is consensual?

Maybe they associate serving, being tied up, and submitting to a male with making their own choice in what they allow, and maybe they get excited when they think about that - like is mentioned here, it's just kinky to them.

What I get from your other post is, you don't want to explore with someone who has no clue. For what it's worth, to me it seems you need someone who does know what she is doing. That search will require time, and patience. But isn't that worth it?

Someone just posted in another thread that most people have no idea how to figure out what they really want. I would let girls around 20 figure that out first, for themselves. They might even feel mistreated after they start to see that you had something different in mind than they had when they got involved with you. If you meet one that really strikes your fancy, and you see potential, you probably want to be up front with her. If she is curious, let her read up on it. See where it leads.

I read on these forums about people being compatible or not. Wouldn't moulding someone without he/she knowing what he/she is being moulded into be wrong, and doesn't that show there is no compatibility?   

Edit: your third post, about complete openness says it all, for me. That's a must, for me too.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 8/23/2009 4:24:50 PM >

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:19:34 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92
(...snip...). I, on the other hand, refuse to Dom ANYBODY who doesn't know what they want. And by that, I mean ANYTHING they want.


A powerful statement for one who is so young, and maybe a rule you are clinging too a bit to literally. You are dominant.. keep in mind the ones you are probably most attracted to are far more interested in what YOU want to give much thought to their own wants.  In any case the information you should be concerned with getting from them is not their wants but their needs.  See to it their needs are met adequately and consistently.  Let them feel secure and you may find that what they really want is simply to please you.

quote:


They think submitting to me is all about the kinky play, etc etc, and then when it's over, they can come and cuddle up, leave the next morning, and tell everybody else we had dinner at Olive Garden. That's not what submission is to me. I like to take the mind, the body, the soul, but if all I get is a couple of hours of a girl in bondage, that's not good enough. (I so fail as a male my age for saying that.)


In a nutshell yes, you fail, but do not beat yourself up over it. It is not really so unusual for a newly hatched dominant to get all self-righteous like this.  You will get over yourself soon  enough and then you can start learning again. 
quote:


Anywho, I have tried talking to them about things, but all they want is some kink, mixed with a kiss, and to be told they are "good".

I have no problems at all training slaves, but when a ditz comes along that can't even tell me what the hell she needs training in, I tell her to F off. Bad experiences with multiple people like that in the past, and I, of all people know, that those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

In order for them to tell you what they need they first need a menu they can read from.  You cannot just foist a series of choices on a girl who had little experience and expect her to tell you what she wants.  Hell, half the time they do  not know what the things they crave are even called, or that it is a legitimate kink, and the other half of the time they are too ashamed to admit it even if they do know.

It takes a lot of time and patience, gentle reassurances that you will not judge them and that you will respect their need to maintain the mask they wear in front of the rest of society , and proof of that to some lesser degree to get them to really open up.

If you want a submissive woman who can tell you what she wants, exactly, and her needs, and kinks and the whole shootin' match, then you need someone much more experienced, and probably much older.  At this point in your life, such submissives are probably way out of your league.  Those submissives want someone who has already put in all the time and exploration with that I described above, and not someone who is too impatient to do what is required to get the experience they crave.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/23/2009 4:21:10 PM >

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:24:42 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I sat today for an hour listening to people talk about how i live as though it a joke people are so aware and have so many preconceptions in reality many enjoy kink

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:29:56 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline 		I have had some older slaves, actually, I did not meet them here, and the only reason we parted ways was because she moved away, and we agreed that at that point in our lives, it would be much easier to part ways than go for something that seemed impossible at the time. I was 17 then, and looking back, it wasn't impossible, and very, very easy.

Like I said in my intro post, I've been doing this for a while (well, in my short life a while), and I have spent more time exploring and learning than actually searching,. so I think I am safe in that regard. However, I don't think that not wanting kinky sex is failing, merely postponing.

To reassure somebody is what I will talk about next. I don't feel the need to go PG-13 romance movie on somebody who isn't sure what they feel is right. Feelings are just that, in my view, feelings. There is no right or wrong. It's just who you are. And if they can't accept themselves as they are, they are of no use to me, or anybody else who wants something more than play time in bed.

Nothing is out of anybody's league as long as the person seeking knows who they are, and what they want their partner to resemble. After that, it's dedication, tolerance, self knowledge, and an open mind that leads to the light at the end of the tunnel.

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:39:46 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92

I need some insight on this. For the past few weeks, girls that I met out in the "vanilla" world all say they aren't into BDSM, bondage, or being used. Okay, cool, right? No.

Sure...if you say so.

Because they go on to say they like to serve, be tied up, and submitting to males.

(They're chics....and in their early 20's....keep this in mind;  You're in your 20's and you're a kinky fuck.  Ya know why?  Because you have this big fucking river of testosterone running through you.  Guess why they don't?  'Cause they're chics.  By the way....you can discern this because they look better than you, they have tits, they smell better than you....and for the record....the reason all this shit is happening (tits, smell better, etc.) is because....(they're chics)....is largely because they're chics.

Keep in mind I'm 20, so the girls are all around there, too, so are they being "young rebels" and rebelling against terminology, or am I completely missing something?

Yeah....they're in their 20's....and they're chics.



< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 8/23/2009 4:43:28 PM >

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:48:49 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92
Nothing is out of anybody's league as long as the person seeking knows who they are, and what they want their partner to resemble. After that, it's dedication, tolerance, self knowledge, and an open mind that leads to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, I stand corrected.  Good for you. 

I have to say that my experience early in life showed me that as long as I did not let mass media set my expectations of what I wanted (i.e. the supermodel type) and really listened to what my own heart wanted, then the women I was most attracted to always turned out to be submissive.  I made the mistake of dating the vanilla beauty queen type once and I learned well from that. 

It sounds to me as if your experiences have prepared you better than mine did.  I did not have the luxury of being able to dominate an actual slave until I was older than you are, and I still did not know what either of us were in terms of the currently accepted vernacular.  The internet was just a series of teletype machines back then.. no pictures, no search engines.  I had to feel my way though it all on my own.  You have such an advantage being able to access all the resources available today.

Be patient.  Keep looking.  Be glad you have a way to do that.  In the 'old days' we had it much worse.


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Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:49:10 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

TearsOfLove92 wrote:

Complete honesty is required with me, and if I'm stuck trying to read between lines, I want nothing to do with the person.


Good for you, hang on to that.

When I came into this world, they forgot to give me my crystal ball, so I expect anyone close to me to be able to articulate their wants, feelings, thoughts, etc, pretty damn well. Of course, there are things we don't understand, that we struggle with, so sometimes it takes time to work through them, but the capability to do so, as well as the desire to do so, need to be there.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: You aren't into BDSM, but you are into being submis... - 8/23/2009 4:54:33 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks to all who say that my honesty expectations are good. :) I appreciate it.

As far as the net, and it being easier to look now, I can argue that. Back then, whatever WAS available to you, folks used, got together, and searched there. If somebody takes the time to show up and look, they are worthy of being there, and not being fakes.

Internet? Yeah, it's wonderful to browse a bagillion profiles, but when all those profiles say the exact same thing, and when nobody from those profiles wants to be more than a picture on my monitor, it brings up the question of "are they here because they want to be? or is life so bad that playing mind games with people who are looking for something legit the only way for them to get by"?

So yes, the net is a good way to find people, and there is bound to be one person that's worth a damn, but at the end of the day, aside from that one person, are the people on the internet worth looking for? My answer is yes, purely based off of hope, the willingness to learn, to experience, and to learn forgiveness for those who wrong me.

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