Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

communication skills & the online search


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> communication skills & the online search Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 4:52:23 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		This has been prompted by several recent threads, all rants about "I can't find a sub, dominant, pet rock (whatever)." One thing all these rants have in common is a distinct lack of written communication skills from the OP.

So now to my question:

How important are written communication skills to you? Does a lack in this area imply a lack in verbal communication, or do you feel they are not related?

If someone is not a very good written communicator, do you move on to the phone ASAP, or is that a deal breaker right out of the gate?

Any additional thoughts on this subject most welcome.










_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 5:04:59 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I am an award winning communicator in both written and spoken mediums, but thus far not a single actual submissive or slave (not counting the obvious scam spam) has contacted me with so much as a request to get to know me better.  I know I am not ugly, fat, or stupid.  Maybe I am scary.  Whatever the reason, I guarantee that my lack of communication skills is not a culprit.

Also I am married already and relatively content with my wife/slave and the small online household I have been able to grow on my own.  Sure we (my wife and I) would like to bring another live-in slave to share in our happiness, but at this point it seems relatively certain that Collar Me is not likely to be the answer to our prayers in that regard.  For now it is simply nice to have a community in which I am able to discuss WIITWD.


_____________________________


Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 6:02:31 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		In my opinion, the poor communication skills themselves are not to blame.  The factors that led to them are.  The person who works at their communication skills will likely work at other things.

Someone who wants to have their perfect person plopped in their lap with no effort, is not used to working for what they want.  And I believe that their writing style will look "lazy".


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 6:18:26 AM   
refractedlight


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		I guess to me it is a matter of degree. In other words, I can certainly overlook the occasional typo (especially since I'm not perfect either!) or something like that, but if what I get are a series of poorly written or nearly incoherent messages....then yeah I tend to move on. I don't expect Shakespeare or Cyrano but I do think there is a difference between people who may not have a sliver tongue and those who just are not willing to put any effort into it. So I tend to view that as a warning sign about other incompatibility issues.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 6:48:42 AM   
BriteBlond


Posts: 15
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: West Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		Sure, communication skills are important. Without them not much can happen.

But at least as important is the effort put into communicating.
On a couple of occasions, on other boards, I've made some rather thoughtless postings.
Had I not been too lazy to proof-read them, I would not have suffered an avalanche of disapproval.

We live and learn. Hopefully.

Also, style, how they say it, is important too.
If you don't like their style; if you don't like how someone communicates with you, how can you like them?

I agree with refractedlight, how people communicate is an indicator of compatibility.

_____________________________

If you're going through hell, keep going.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:21:09 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

In my opinion, the poor communication skills themselves are not to blame.  The factors that led to them are.  The person who works at their communication skills will likely work at other things.

Someone who wants to have their perfect person plopped in their lap with no effort, is not used to working for what they want.  And I believe that their writing style will look "lazy".




I totally agree with this. But, is this just my prejudice? I'm no Shakespeare myself, but I am capable of communicating what I think and feel via the written word. So it feels natural for me to expect that in others. But if you don' t have those skills, is that laziness, poor education, lack of inheriting the spelling and grammar genes, what?

This country (I live in the US) is notorious for failing to teach good written communication skills. From my own experience I can say those skills have deteriorated over the last 25 years or so (I'm basing this on my own business communications).

I've always chalked this up to laziness and poor motivation.....but am I wrong?






_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:35:24 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

written communication skills to you?
 
Written communications skills...mmm
Communication excists of a sender..a message..and a reciever. IF one is failing then there is no communication.
So written "communication"skills.....depend not only on the writer. He can be a great writer...but perhaps the reciever is not interested and there will be no communication

quote:

I'm no Shakespeare myself, but I am capable of communicating
.

Be glad..lol
Shakespeare sucks at communicating. Most people don't understand what he is saying, propably not even in his time. Your words we can understand. He was propably a great writer, but communication..who knows.

< Message edited by TurboJugend -- 8/26/2009 7:36:53 AM >

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:50:19 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

How important are written communication skills to you? Does a lack in this area imply a lack in verbal communication, or do you feel they are not related?

If someone is not a very good written communicator, do you move on to the phone ASAP, or is that a deal breaker right out of the gate?

Any additional thoughts on this subject most welcome.


since this is the medium we're communicating in at the onset, writing skills will be a factor in some regard. whether it is an aversion to one liners, copy and paste, or other mechanisms utilized to say hello and make some kind of introduction, everyone has preferences and nuances as well. we've heard them recounted time and time again.

i'll be honest. i like talking to someone that can string together a sentence that demonstrates a reasonable amount of intelligence and an ability to express his thoughts and feelings. for some writing is an art and they do it effortlessly, others struggle and must rely on other methods to get their point across. my biggest concern is whether he's willing to do so, and if he has difficulties communicating, are they being addressed or simply ignored.

it also depends on whether his communication is lacking due to ignorance -- a lack of knowledge of himself, or merely because his writing skills sucketh greatly. i don't think this compels me to talk on the phone more readily. that is usually hit or miss in all honesty.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:54:03 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I used to tutor English at community college and university, and still occasionally make spelling and grammatical mistakes. Minor ones aren't a big deal, especially if the person mentions that English is their second language. If they don't have anything *interesting* to say, use a one-liner, or aren't willing to put any effort into their search, like many of the recent threads have indicated, then I'm not likely to talk with them. Of course, I'm not actively looking for anyone now - I have my Master and a brand-new playpartner. Back when I was looking, around 80% of the dominant and switch men who contacted me were reasonably articulate and interesting, while 80% or so of the submissive men took an approach that was an instant turn-off, even if they didn't misspell anything. "Goddess, may I serve you?", "On your knees, bitch!", "Hi, sexy!", "Would you like to chat?", and other such approaches rarely get a positive response from anyone.

If someone has an apparently good mindset and basic approach, I've been willing to give them feedback on their profiles. If their attitude is such that nobody is going to want them, covering it up by changing their profile, and giving advice about initial e-mails, should be discouraged. They're obviously not ready for a real relationship, and are just trying to fake their way through the opening.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 8/26/2009 7:56:19 AM >

(in reply to TurboJugend)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:54:30 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

I am an award winning communicator in both written and spoken mediums, but thus far not a single actual submissive or slave (not counting the obvious scam spam) has contacted me with so much as a request to get to know me better.  I know I am not ugly, fat, or stupid.  Maybe I am scary.  Whatever the reason, I guarantee that my lack of communication skills is not a culprit.


i actually think it is more related to the fact that many men on here make contact first. speaking for myself, that is generally how i communicated. of course i realized that limiting myself in this manner was counterproductive, and i've become a bit more proactive in my interactions. but truthfully many don't because the men do it for them.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 7:59:09 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I am dyslexic, and communication in the written form can be really hard for me. When people 'correct' me on forums it can knock my confidence. Face to face I consider myself a good communicator but know that my meaning can be lost in translation in text. I haven't felt that it has hindered me in terms of making friends or forming relationships, in a professional capacity it has.

I find sloppy written communication really frustrating, because I struggle to read it, over use of internet abbreviation's or fonts or whatever really throw me some I can deal fine with some I can't. That turns me off right away because to me that person is not considering the audience.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 8:01:52 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I agree with porcelaine, Maxwell. I did make the first contact with a couple of men, when I was looking. Even when I didn't e-mail them, if their profile looked interesting, I frequently viewed the full version so I could see their interests/etc. as well. Often, that often encouraged them to contact me. Even if women don't make the initial contact, writing something that is interesting and tailored to that woman's profile makes it more likely that she'll respond. It's not guaranteed, though, so a fairly brief contact with a paragraph or so asking a couple of questions or making a couple of observations about her profile is better than writing an entire page as a first contact. Some women do have strong filters, or feel overwhelmed, so read first and don't bother her if you don't meet her criteria.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 8:25:39 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I don't think it implies a lack of verbal communication skills when a person's writing skills are poor.  Since the written word alone is all a person has to rely on to convey their message, rather than tone, influx, and even body language assist in verbal communication, that some effort should be put into the writing.  As all I have is the written word to go on, I would say the person's spelling and grammar are important.  Like anyone, I can forgive the random typo, but a pattern of poor usage, such as not knowing the difference between their, they're, and there tend to rub Me the wrong way.

I am more likely to move on to phone if someone can present themselves well by taking the time to put their best foot forward in a written medium.  I wouldn't call the lack of an ability to do so as a deal breaker because I see that term as one used with a person I am already interested in.   I'm less likely to be interested in that person to begin with if they aren't expressing themselves well in a written forum.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 8:29:27 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm impressed with someone who can communicate on any level, but more so when they can write. I don't care so much about spelling and grammar... as I have my own challenges there, but when someone writes I am impressed. Therefore I guess I would have to admit that I am not impressed if they cannot write well enough for me to understand what they are saying. If my eyes cross or head spins trying to figure it out, I will still give them a chance to talk with me... but typically, that doesn't seem to work out so far. Basic skills are something I really think I need in a partner.

Not only because it makes it easier or more stimulating to me, but because it does show they tried to better themselves so that they might be a better partner. I could find a guy who works and is a stand up guy and is what I might want in many ways, but if he can't stimulate my mind and it is me carrying the conversation or communication with little imput from them... I will become bored with them and eventually if there was a relationship... they would get stuck and unable to speak or emotionally frustrated and by this time I would be ready to eat them. I don't like to eat people, so I just don't settle for less in communication. I don't expect perfection but the guy has to be able to communicate at least in speaking with me and I need to understand notes he might need to leave me at some point.



_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 8:52:59 AM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline 		Every serious (let's exclude spam/scam) OP and cmail is written by a person with a life story. That person cannot be known from the few words s/he typed, whether the post is well written or not. 

If the written words interest me, I want to ask questions, understand the author better. Not because I am looking for 'someone', but because I am interested in what makes the OP/sender tick. Maybe the author has no time for that, that is fine. That is life.

On these forums, I see people complain about getting no mail, too much mail, the wrong kind of mail. About not finding a partner, and about not being discovered by anyone. What about being pro-active? Yet, if one is pro-active, one opens oneself up to being ignored, ridiculed; two words that are misunderstood or taken out of context can lead to character assassination. That is not my style.

I have much respect for anyone who dares to become vulnerable here. I will not hide that I have fears, insecurities, and many flaws. Does that disqualify me to post or send cmail? No. If my use of the English language turns people off, so be it. 

The sheer volume of posts/posters makes it unavoidable that the reader has to make a selection.

* Let's not forget that there are very skilled people who have the intent to harm. Having a skill does not always mean trustworthy. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

I am an award winning communicator in both written and spoken mediums, but thus far not a single actual submissive or slave (not counting the obvious scam spam) has contacted me with so much as a request to get to know me better.  I know I am not ugly, fat, or stupid.  Maybe I am scary.  Whatever the reason, I guarantee that my lack of communication skills is not a culprit.

Also I am married already and relatively content with my wife/slave and the small online household I have been able to grow on my own.  Sure we (my wife and I) would like to bring another live-in slave to share in our happiness, but at this point it seems relatively certain that Collar Me is not likely to be the answer to our prayers in that regard.  For now it is simply nice to have a community in which I am able to discuss WIITWD.



Maxwell, what do they send? Nothing? Just curious.

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 9:00:34 AM   
olena


Posts: 97
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Communication skills as it relates to online dating have to do with effort more then actual skill. Forget theories and political correctness that one might want to promote to feel good about themselves or to justify their lack of such effort. All human beings will take whatever input we get and judge it. For people looking to communicate with the written word this is going to mean those words matter a great deal since it is basically all the input one is getting. Many not wanting to put the effort in communicating just come off like they are too lazy or insincere to waste a person’s time.

I came to this country twenty years ago with some ability to write and speak English, enough to communicate and follow some conversations. What I see is not the lack of ability but lack of use and desire to try to communicate. Why type a message in some software that offers spell and grammar check when I can justify my preferred easiest and laziest thing to do in my own head.

I read a blog once where the person equated those who choose to ignore that cyber is a written medium when searching for someone was like going to a bar dirty, smelly and under dressed and wondering why no one from the opposite sex wants anything to do with you.

I did not just by the percentage buy into the excuse a person could not fill out their profile or sent a few decent messages because they were not good with the written word. Sorry but if finding your special someone it is too much of a burden to take the time to write something out, especially a profile, then how can I really take that person seriously. It is too easy and manipulative wrapped up in self serving selfishness to ask another to ignore my poor writing communication so not to even try to get them to just call them. Then what please ignore my poor phone skills let us just meet in person. Then forget my poor in person skills I am better after you sleep with me.

When it came to finding someone it was not about the quality of how well they wrote but that they showed their seriousness and effort by making the effort to use the medium in the way it presents itself.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 9:03:05 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: olena

Communication skills as it relates to online dating have to do with effort more then actual skill. Forget theories and political correctness that one might want to promote to feel good about themselves or to justify their lack of such effort.



Rubbish, and offensive.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to olena)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 9:18:44 AM   
olena


Posts: 97
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: olena

Communication skills as it relates to online dating have to do with effort more then actual skill. Forget theories and political correctness that one might want to promote to feel good about themselves or to justify their lack of such effort.



Rubbish, and offensive.


So according to your other post “I find sloppy written communication really frustrating, because I struggle to read it, over use of internet abbreviation's or fonts or whatever really throw me some I can deal fine with some I can't. That turns me off right away because to me that person is not considering the audience.”

But somehow you are offended when I claim what you just complained about is caused by lack of effort. Talk about hypocrisy.


(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 9:24:55 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		No I am offended because you claimed it the only reason for poor communication, i do find sloppiness annoying, but there is a difference between that and inability

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to olena)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: communication skills & the online search - 8/26/2009 9:55:53 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		How I write here depends on how much time I have, how passionate I feel at the time and how much coffee I have drunk.
If I'm in a rush, feeling cathartic and have just downed a double expresso anything can happen.
If I am writing prose/poetry for a book or for acadmic work then it is a diferent process altogether.
When I write prose/poetry the ideas can come at anytime and usually do come at the most inconvenient time so I keep paper and pencil. If it's academic work then setting is important and I don't know why. I tend to just do that in my office.
There is no equivalence between anyone's ability to write and their ability to communicate necessarily. I work with dyslexics and people with other specific learning difficulties. If I were to judge them on their writing ability then I would 'write them off'. But the dyslexic/dyscalculiac.dysgraphic and dyspraxic mind is an amazing mind. The most creative and highly effective communicators I know are the 'dys' people of this world.
That goes for those who communicate in signing or Braille also.
I'm put off by rudeness in any form of communication. I'm turned off by projection, assumption and presumption.
So: sorry for any typos. Too much coffee probably.



< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 8/26/2009 9:57:43 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> communication skills & the online search Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094