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SteelofUtah -> RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" Mistakes !! (8/27/2009 10:08:14 AM)
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Sorry I want to address these because it is not an End All Be All Concept when it comes to Dominance
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
1) Assume that EVERY submissive has to "bow down" to you
I am right with you on this one, what I think is a bigger mistake is that they see the entire Dominant/submissive dynamic as construct of orders and compliance to orders. They see Dominance as this Image rather than the Responsibility that it really is.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
2) Listening too much to other Doms instead of your inner self
Disagree Completely, Again many NEW Dominants don't ask enough questions they again see Dominance as an IMAGE and not as a responsibility and a way of life, because of this they make assumptions and tell themselves that this is what it is supposed to me I have to do this to be Dominant and don't take a look at the journey that many others have already started and are well on thier way. It is when they only want to listen to what they THINK this is all about and not learn about the OTHER ways this can and is done all the time that they come across as Chest Thumping Douche Bags.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
3) NOT being clear and firm from the start in what you expect from your
submissive, and any rules you need them to adhere to
Gunna have to go 50/50 on this one. Where as I agree that it is important to have consistency and integrity and having a firm understanding of what you expect in the initial stages of any relationship there needs to be a equalizing period where a person gets USED to how things work and being clear about something and towing the line are offten difficult I think more than being CLEAR they need to be PATIENT with the transition of going from an Concept to a Reality.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
4) Trying to appear more impressive than is within your being
This I agree with completely. If you are more concerned with how you are seen then with how you are conducting yourself then you are failing not only your submissive but yourself. If you do not know how to use a Bull Whip..... That is okay you aren't less of a Domiant because of this, and Owning a Bull Whip is not a Prerequisite for being a Dom. Also there is a line between Arrogance and Confidence and it isn't as fine as some people pretend it to be. If you take the time to learn a skill and you know you are good at it let your ability speak for itself not your Mouth. If you feel you have to Brag about how good you are with something then I have to ask who you are trying to convince other people or yourself?
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
5) Trying to obtain a submissive too soon with too limited knowledge and ability
To this I will only say everyone has to learn sometime and there are certain dynamics you will NEVER understand until you are in them. I agree that deciding on Wednesday that you wanna be a Dom and putting a collar on a sub on Friday seems a little fast but hopefully it will work out and if it doesn't hopefully you learn something from the experience.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
6) Not learning enough about the lifestyle by reading, talking to other
Dominants or submissives.
No Argument on this one however I wish to point out the conflict with this and # 2 because you say in too not to listen to much to other Dom's and here you are saying they aren't learning enough from them. I think I read Screw the Roses, and every piece of literature on BDSM even the things I wasn't interested in 20 plus times just trying to understand it all better.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
7) Being too "eager" to own a submissive
I agree with this as well but want to expand. Being So Eager that you are willing to compramise the things that you want and require just to "Have" a submissive, the same goes for submissives seeking a Dom, when you want it so bad that you ignore all the things that you say you want but are willing to do without because you are lonely or just don't want to be single anymore then you are missing the biggest part of BDSM and that is that it should be everything that you want and none of what you don't as long as you are willing to be honest with yourself and others.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
8) A mistake I have seen many make is as the emotions between the Dom
and submissive begin growing, the Dom has tended to not be as
strict or consistent as He was in the beginning. Maybe in fear of
losing her but forgetting that is the reason she craved Him in the
first place.
I disagree, Relationships evolve. What was started for kink can easily be continued for love and the Power Dynamic can start to become secondary to the Love Dynamic. When this happens it is only inportant that both people are moving at the same speed toward the same direction. I do not think that loving is a Mistake, but rather that it takes both people sharing the same concept of love that matters. It is okay to love your slave and eventually move from a Power Dynamic to a Love Dynamic but both parties should be honest about what they want and where they are going on a regular basis. In Most cases Communication can make everything clearer even if the clear picture is that termination of the relationship is the only happy solution as the other party is not able to give the other party what they need anymore.
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ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary
9) Not recognising a new subs inability to take responsibility for
their own safety. Through enthusiasm and an eagerness to please,
new subs can be their own worst enemy. A good Dom/me will recognise
the signals and take responsibility for them.
Remove the words Sub & Dom/me and replace them with the word People & Person and realize that this is a double edged sword and that many new Dom/me's are not educated enough to determin their targets safety as they are not completely aware of what they themselves are doing, and that when it comes to Eagerness and Enthusiam regardless of which side of the Kneel or Whip that you are on if you are more focused on the IDEA then you are the Reality of the EXPERIENCE then someone is in dange be it yourself or your partner, knowing what someone wants and knowing what you want to get out of a situation and knowing the pitfalls and dangers of the possible outcomes is the responsibility of all people involved not just the Dom and not just the sub.
Steel
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