Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

lusciouslips19 -> Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/28/2009 10:11:06 PM)

This is a question to those who are unpartnered and having to work,command respect, take care of business, keep from being taken advantage of and raise kids to be good citizens.

I feel forced to be dominant. I am suppose to be. I am suppose to be a strong(and in charge) jewish woman(we are often raised that way). We usually are the heads of the households even if stay at home mom. So work makes me have to command, raising a child who needs structure does amd other bits of life. Are there other submissives who have learned this behavior, but feel like they are like ill fitting clothes or a role thats played? I know I am not the only one. (The subs that dont submit to everyone and you actually have to gain their trust before power exchange as equals)?

O.K. Maybe I am?[:D]



leadership527 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/28/2009 10:14:13 PM)

No, you're not the only one. Carol faces this also. Now that I understand SOOOOOOoooo much better than I ever did how her brain works (the whole submissive thing), I'm taking steps to teach her how to succeed in a variety of situations from a submissive's mindset. I'm not convinced that the only way to get by -- even in leadership positions -- is from a dominant mindset.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/28/2009 10:43:40 PM)

I had issues an an Instructor at a very rough urban vocational school. They said I did not manage my class well. I was sporadic. But these were adults and the rules and complaints are rediculous. I remedied that by working at different kinds of schools with a student body that has learned from parents that respect is given to teachers and teachers should not have to fight for territory. It did make me stronger and able to feel like everything else is a cake walk, though.



sexisubi -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 12:15:42 AM)

yeah agreed, as a submissive i submit to one person, thats it. i have no problem telling anyone no... except for the person i really care about..

as my sign says 'bound by love' thats the only way i can see being a slave to anyone. [sm=highfive.gif]



GildTheLily -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 12:39:43 AM)

In everyday life I'm extremely dominant and controlling.  As a teacher, it's my job to maintain an air of discipline around my students.  It's pertinent that I command their respect.  Beyond my professional life, I've always been a natural born leader and I crave taking the reigns.  However, my submission occurs when I am with someone stronger than I am who is worthy of it. 

Submitting to my man is something that comes naturally to me.  He challenges me in all the ways I need him to and never leaves me feeling bored, unfulfilled or apathetic.  I don't give my naturally dominant personality a second thought when he's in my presence, or thoughts, because he is the dominant one and I have no qualms allowing him to take that role for the both of us.



lally2 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 4:48:14 AM)

truth is, all that crappola of life will always be there.  there are days when i just go fuckit, put a pretty dress on and some make up and do something more enjoyable - for me its very much on a day to day basis.  amazingly the bills still get paid and i still have a business [:D]

edited/deleted because i went warbling away and didnt answer the question, that being struggling having to be dominant in the day.

im not too sure i am dominant in the day - but its taken me a few years to get the ex off my back, my mum off my back and for everyone to just back the fuck off.  [:)]

now i go my own sweet way, i may be inneffective at times but i dont care anymore. 




NorthernGent -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 4:54:06 AM)

You could ask the question: how does someone who prefers a dominant approach submit to a boss and the rules at work?

The answer is this: you have to bend (in certain situations) to have your interests realised.

There is a difference between preference and need. 



heartfeltsub -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 7:02:18 AM)

FR

i know some s-types who do feel like taking charge at all is like having to wear an ill-fitting set of clothes, similar to what you described. For me, i look at it a little bit differently. i used to teach high school and was the strictest teacher in the school, but i looked at it as transferred authority from the parents of those children, that it was my job and my responsibility not only to those parents but also (because i believe i live my life in submission to God and His will) to God. That is also the way that i look at areas in my life where (because i am currently unowned) i have to hold total responsibility and authority. That what i do, how i do it, is a reflection of my submission to God, just like how i act is a reflection of my Dominant when i was owned and that thought helps center me. i don't know if that will help or not, but it works for me.

heartfelt



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 8:06:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

truth is, all that crappola of life will always be there.  there are days when i just go fuckit, put a pretty dress on and some make up and do something more enjoyable - for me its very much on a day to day basis.  amazingly the bills still get paid and i still have a business [:D]

edited/deleted because i went warbling away and didnt answer the question, that being struggling having to be dominant in the day.

im not too sure i am dominant in the day - but its taken me a few years to get the ex off my back, my mum off my back and for everyone to just back the fuck off.  [:)]

now i go my own sweet way, i may be inneffective at times but i dont care anymore. 




I agree.[:)] Sometimes though I also feel like I am losing my submission as I am not in a trusting place right now, Im not playing, I am not submitting to anyone. I was having problems with casual submission in BDSM play. I got too emotional and subdrop was awful. So I really havent engaged in much and submission has become a fearful thng to me because once the play is over, I am still unpartnered. SO I have not engaged in sex or submission.

Its been good for my emotional well being. But its also makng me feel harder in some way. Sort of like a muscle I am not flexing.

But that doesnt make the dominance easier. MAybe I am never really dominant at all. This idea form Leadership527 of leading from a submissive space is an idea that is facinating to me. Wondering how its done?



rawkmehard -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 8:12:05 AM)

i am not currently submitting to anyone other than on very limited occasion...and even though my profile says 'switch', i still identify largely as a submissive woman because in the long run, i want a dominant partner in my life.

i am in charge of my life, myself, and others, ALL THE TIME. i have always thought of my relationship as a safe haven, because ultimately i choose to be in a place in which he has the final say.  not having that right now....that's a tough place to be.

so i hear you...you are not the only one!! not by a long shot.  just keep reminding yourself that someone is out there, on his way to you, and you just need to keep living your life in the meantime. taking care of yourself is an okay thing!



KneelforAnne -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 8:21:02 AM)

I've been thinking about this myself lately...

I'm not a switch, I don't ever want to be in charge of the relationship or of him or anything like that... but at work....?   (I'm a teacher)

I LIKE being in charge.  I LIKE being strict while being kind.  I also LIKE that they hush with a look, and apologize with a lift of an eyebrow.  It's AWESOME.

I've learned that it's better to be strict, that way everyone knows what is expected of them, knows the rules and knows the consequences for challenging them.  It makes life so much less dramatic! 

Does this mean that I AM a switch and I get my "alpha" side out at work? 

I'm not sure. 

In a way I think this COULD be the case.  I get all my... dominance (which is the wrong word, but the only one I can think of) out at work and I'm free to be soft and flexible and wonderfully girly at home. 

But, part of me also thinks that I am so strict at work because it lets me relax with them and do what needs to be done, rather than argue and bicker over their behavior. 

I know that I did have some trouble this year, getting my mind back on track after the summer.  I was sure that I would have lots of problems stepping back into the "Teacher Mode", but it's like riding a bike.  

Maybe it's like playing a role?  I step into work and play the part for the day?  I'm not sure....



LilMichele -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 9:32:28 AM)

FR

To me there is strength in being submissive so I don't see running my life and keeping things in order as being dominant but as part of the strength in me that allows me to submit to someone when appropriate.  It is also the strength in me that allows me to choose well the man I submit to. 

*dang it that was in response to the OP! someday i'll get this posting stuff right*



leadership527 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 9:36:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
But that doesnt make the dominance easier. MAybe I am never really dominant at all. This idea form Leadership527 of leading from a submissive space is an idea that is facinating to me. Wondering how its done?
Give me a specific and real situation from your life where you feel that you must adopt a dominant mindset to succeed in. Let's see if I can offer up an alternate approach. No promises here... I'm just working this stuff out with Carol on the fly.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 9:45:10 AM)

quote:

Give me a specific and real situation from your life where you feel that you must adopt a dominant mindset to succeed in. Let's see if I can offer up an alternate approach. No promises here... I'm just working this stuff out with Carol on the fly


It is in teaching adults . A variety of ages. So its hard to balance when to take responsibility when they are upset and when they are shifting the blame. When the adult student is upset, the department wants to take their complaints seriously, SO there is a need to please the adult student. At the same time, some young ones shift blame to you when they themselves arent doing their part(blame your teaching when they arent cracking the books). SO you try different things and some are happy and some are never satisfied. ALso, the balance of treating them like adults and being the authority. Respect is not so cut and dried as with teaching kids.



littlewonder -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 9:46:27 AM)

I look at it as wearing different hats at different times. I have to be aggressive and stand my ground at work, I am an upper level to some. I am lower level to my boss so it also means follow her directives. So one moment I'm saying "Do this and have it done by the end of the day." and the next I'm turning to my boss and asking "what can I do for you?".

Then at home I'm a single mom. I have to be firm and direct.
I'm a daughter to an elderly mother. I have to to take the role of making sure she is provided for as well but yet reminding myself she's the mother, not me.

Then there's Master. I submit to him at all times.

Sure I'd like to be able to just surrender to just Master all day long and not have to be going back and forth but life says this is what has to be done to survive. This is why the time I spend with Master is sooo very relaxing. He calms and centers me and the stresses just melt away for a little while.

Before I was in a relationship I would get this by meditating, going away for a weekend by myself and doing whatever I wanted to do without any cell phone calls, computer or anything distracting that meant I had to be at the beck and call of others or felt I was in control. I let nature and the world take me where it wanted to take me.

I still do this from time to time when I really need that and I can't be with Master.



leadership527 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 10:28:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
It is in teaching adults . A variety of ages. So its hard to balance when to take responibility when they are upset and when they are shifting the blame. When the adult student is upset, the department wants to take their complaints seriously, SO there is a need to please the adult student. At the same time, some young ones shift blame to you when they themselves arent doing their part(blame your teaching when they arent cracking the books). SO you try different things and some are happy and some are never satisfied. ALso, the balance of treating them like adults and being the authority. Respect is not so cut and dried as with teaching kids.
Complicated situation. So the trick here is to fearless stock of your own arsenal of tools... not the ones you wish you had... the ones you actually have. For Carol, the relevant parts are:

+ Strong desire to serve
- Strong desire to please
- Strong desire to avoid confrontation
+ Good people skills

Right for starters, I'd have her refocus her attention on service as opposed to teaching. She is serving her students by helping them to achieve their goals. She is also serving me by earning money. Finally, she is serving the school and it's administrators by delivering a quality education. This is an easy transformation since the best leaders are usually servants anyway. This mental flip gets her into a much stronger space for her. I've noted that Carol is able to be a LOT stronger in the service of me than she is just all by herself.

Once I had her lined up in a better overal viewpoint (that of service as opposed to dominance), then I'd start taking a look at the weak spots. In this case, we have the need to decide objectively about the students' complaints and the subsequent need to go to confrontation in the event that she and the student don't see eye to eye. In both cases, my response is the same... use those good people skills to line up support. I'd have her find a friendy teacher or administrator who was much more comfortable with confrontation and use that person as a coach/mentor. All the better if it's an administrator since that would be directly up the chain of command. She goes to ME when she has problems in carrying out her commands. Why shouldn't she go to the school administrator also?

I also have to wonder whether simply adopting the submissive mindset wouln't, at least in some cases, stop the confrontations from developing at all. So there'd be a partial win there also.

The trick here is to look at your own strengths and weaknesses and see them for what they are. Then use your strengths to mitigate your weaknesses.



stella41b -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 10:35:17 AM)

This is something I struggle with even so much as it's often my own personal Waterloo.

Back when I was in Poland it was easy, I was better known and seen more as an authority on modern theatre so even when I asked people such as actors nicely or suggested something they jumped, they went out of their way to do things. Now it's different.

One thing which helped me was working as a volunteer at the CRISIS Christmas night shelters for the homeless. A significant minority of the homeless in recent years have been Poles and as I was usually the only volunteer who spoke Polish I was assigned to the main shelters and I quickly learned to be assertive through stepping quickly into confrontations between homeless Polish guys who couldn't speak much English squaring up to our own homeless and defusing the situation before it started to kick off. Being also the only transgendered female volunteer also helped give me more confidence when dealing with the non-transgendered and at one shelter I even found the 'woman with balls' nickname I earned to be quite funny.

Over the last year or so I've learned to be much more assertive with actors and other people and to not be afraid of being more direct and straightforward or making unpleasant decisions while being cold, hard and without any emotion.

This has also helped me see myself differently and to realize and to admit to the fact that from all the abuse I have gone through in my life I have been my own biggest abuser and so I am also tougher on myself but in a different way and have been learning to avoid or stop getting into self-abusive situations.

I'm also one of those submissives who don't submit easily or until I know or trust someone fully and when dealing with potential dominants I would much prefer that I am granted that temporary status of equality in the getting to know you phase before any sort of dynamic is worked out.

However now I have a different issue, as my submission has changed somewhat and I become very proactive to the point of becoming a 'sheepdog' submissive. This means that if a dominant isn't organized they very quickly becoming organized. Last year I spent a few weeks as a service type sub maid with a domme in London and part of my service was getting her large house straight.

This meant days of ironing (I love ironing, really), transforming what could be described as a bombsite into a palace, and sorting out all her cupboards, wardrobes and drawers. She still calls me from time to time asking me where I put something but you know it's getting harder and harder to remember.



spokanesub85 -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 1:12:33 PM)

I hesitate to say I am dominant in vanilla life, but I have been successfulleadership roles, especially when I was in the military, and I am decisive and don't take shit from people.  I think that when it comes time to be dominated or controlled, it is even more exciting due to me not being submissive to anybody in my day to day life.



Missokyst -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 1:25:49 PM)

I see it as just life, for anyone.  Do dominants find it hard to submit to rules at work?  Everything is a compromise in life.  We adjust to things as they come our way if we are lucky and adaptable.  Isn't everything learned behavior?



lovingpet -> RE: Submissive struggle with having to be dominant in vanilla life life? (8/29/2009 1:58:48 PM)

I have trouble here, but never really had a handle on what was going on. I just seem to get run over in life. I work harder than is even sensible for me and just deal when there are things others should be doing to help. I am "strict" with my ums, but I swear they can smell the blood in the water sometimes and despite sometimes coming off as not only strict, but downright cruel, they run amok. People's crticisms are taken so deeply to heart that I don't even recognize when it is misplaced and asking too much. I just expect myself to meet everyone's expectations no matter how unreasonable they are. I rarely offer an opposing opinion, but when I do, I don't feel heard and it often results in a major argument. In my day to day life I would fall in to the "taken advantage of" catagory, but I see myself as never doing enough or never being enough. Part of it, I guess, could be seen as a self esteem issue, but really it is just that my work seems to reap others the rewards, so I don't really get that sense of the fruits of my own efforts.

Like I said, it all didn't make sense not that long ago and I was very unstable in all my dealings because of it. I just had such a need to try so hard to prove that I was a capable person. I would fight and argue and contend every little thing because I didn't know how to let things be. I wasn't very gracious in accepting other people's judgements of me. I lost sight of the fact that not everyone who issued such rulings about me knew anything at all. Now that I kind of understand, it is basically like I am doing the best I can with what I've got, and it is working out better. I don't feel like life as it is is such a great fit for me at the moment, but I don't feel like I have to attempt to bully and bullshit my way through anymore either. If people think they can do things better than me, then I am more than willing to allow them that opportunity. I still haven't had any takers to deal with my finances (guess sometimes it is easy to SAY something ought to be certain way than making it happen). I have had people step in the gap with me dealing with doctors and school personnel on behalf of myself and my ums. I have had the occasional need for someone to mediate in more intimate settings too. I have not abdicated my life to others. I have, however, found the benefit of having someone who can manage confrontation and situations that are a battle of wills better than I can. They gain results quickly where I have struggled to gain even a little ground for the long haul.

I don't think it is always that a person has a submissive nature that makes it difficult to do some of the hard stuff of life. I do think sometimes, it can make doing the hard things that much harder. There are certain aspect that I have no trouble holding my own, but they are few. I have found that the more I accept myself and work with my nature instead of against it, the better life goes. I have found that when I offer myself up to "help in any way I can", this often is met well by others and they are more likely to work with me than try to push me aside. I become an asset to them in whatever capacity we have found ourselves. When someone is making empty and unreasonable demands I simply ask them, "How can I do that for you? You tell me how and I will do it." This is often met with silence. They finally realize how ridiculous and out of my control what they are asking really is. It is definitely a balancing act for me. I find that if the balance is off I go from assertive to aggressive. Aggressiveness in me rings false to the whole world and is ignored. A cooperative spirit is much more natural and usually garners the response I desire.

lovingpet



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125