RE: Where did I go Wrong?

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HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 7:13:17 PM)
I know exactly how you feel, and how hard it is to let it go. I wish I had some advice to offer on how to make it hurt less, but this is something I've never learned. It's sad when one person gets emotionally attached (usually the girl) and the other person completely disconnects (usually the guy). I think the advice from littlewonder and windchymes about taking things more slowly next time is the way to go. Easy to say, hard to do... but worth the effort and patience in the end, I am sure. (I'll be sure to let you know how it goes if I ever manage to accomplish this myself! lol) p.s. One more thing.... the guy you think you love is probably not who he really is, just who you want him to be... it might help to think along those lines.

AnimusRex -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 7:43:52 PM)
OK, a contrarian view- I don't know how long ago this happened- but there are times when a guy reacts out of fear and anxiety, and just wants to get to his safe place in a hurry and dump his responsibilities along the way, and then after recollection, misses what he had. OK, it is a bit sappy and romantic- but is it possible he is cooling off, and after some gentle conversations, can realize he was on the right track? (Although speeding like a motherfucker, waaaay waaaay too fast on a dangerous stretch of highway) I say take a chance and contact him again, and see if he isn't willing to give another try, nice and slow. Good luck Sounds like it was the kind of thing that would be worth it.

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 7:49:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex OK, a contrarian view- I don't know how long ago this happened- but there are times when a guy reacts out of fear and anxiety, and just wants to get to his safe place in a hurry and dump his responsibilities along the way, and then after recollection, misses what he had. OK, it is a bit sappy and romantic- but is it possible he is cooling off, and after some gentle conversations, can realize he was on the right track? (Although speeding like a motherfucker, waaaay waaaay too fast on a dangerous stretch of highway) I say take a chance and contact him again, and see if he isn't willing to give another try, nice and slow. Good luck Sounds like it was the kind of thing that would be worth it. This is a very hopeful, positive, and pleasant take on the situation. [:)] Sometimes it's good to have a little hope. But should she really contact him, or wouldn't he contact her if he realized that he missed it? In my experience, rarely if ever has my contacting the guy accomplished anything....

porcelaine -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 7:51:23 PM)
i'm truly sorry you were hurt. investing time and your heart in trying to cultivate a relationship and have it fall apart is never what anyone plans. the first thing you must stop doing is looking for answers. you'll never know what brought the changes about without his input. you're merely spinning your wheels. people change. i keep telling myself this all the time and must remember my wiring is just that - mine. i won't pretend to agree with how things were handled, nor can i offer any advice on how to make this better or take away the pain. i've been there far more than i'd like to admit myself. nor will i provide false hope and tell you maybe he'll return someday. i have learned that people that want to remain have an uncanny ability to stay put or at the very least find their way home on their own. what i do suggest is that you take time to heal. be kind to yourself and forgive him as well. holding on to the pain and disappointment will leave you frozen and unable to have the very thing you heart yearns for. my hope for you is the cessation of what aches and the discovery of your worth. if this situation proves fruitful and leads you back to yourself, i would only hope that will usher in the arrival of the one you're waiting for. porcelaine

Golden614 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 9:23:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex OK, a contrarian view- I don't know how long ago this happened- but there are times when a guy reacts out of fear and anxiety, and just wants to get to his safe place in a hurry and dump his responsibilities along the way, and then after recollection, misses what he had. OK, it is a bit sappy and romantic- but is it possible he is cooling off, and after some gentle conversations, can realize he was on the right track? (Although speeding like a motherfucker, waaaay waaaay too fast on a dangerous stretch of highway) I say take a chance and contact him again, and see if he isn't willing to give another try, nice and slow. Good luck Sounds like it was the kind of thing that would be worth it. This is a very hopeful, positive, and pleasant take on the situation. [:)] Sometimes it's good to have a little hope. But should she really contact him, or wouldn't he contact her if he realized that he missed it? In my experience, rarely if ever has my contacting the guy accomplished anything.... I took a chance and contacted Master after we had been broken up for two months. He had his own little freak out. Best thing I ever did. It's been a year and we're happier than ever. There IS hope, but I would tread with caution. There's no way to know what's going on this guy's head...

porcelaine -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 9:31:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Golden614 I took a chance and contacted Master after we had been broken up for two months. He had his own little freak out. Best thing I ever did. It's been a year and we're happier than ever. There IS hope, but I would tread with caution. There's no way to know what's going on this guy's head... congratulations to you both! it is clear that your owner had not closed his heart to you and was willing to make the effort. my suggestion in this matter is simple. either way it is a risk. she must choose the action that she can most comfortably live with. if contact is made it must be with the understanding that nothing is certain. there's also the possibility that she may learn what really drove him away and must prepare herself in that vain. considering the time invested i can't say that i wouldn't make the effort myself. i also agree with the other sentiment and suggest she gives him some time to be with his thoughts. many times the idea of something truly appeals but the reality is more than we bargained for. porcelaine

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 9:38:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Golden614 I took a chance and contacted Master after we had been broken up for two months. He had his own little freak out. Best thing I ever did. It's been a year and we're happier than ever. There IS hope, but I would tread with caution. There's no way to know what's going on this guy's head... How long did you date before breaking up for the two months? How did you approach contacting him? Fill us in! :) I do want to avoid giving the OP false hope, but since I've been there done that and been in her same shoes, I would wager that hope is exactly what she's looking for.

robertolapiedra -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 10:00:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingdomwanted I met a Vanilla from another site with a military backgroung (UK)...If that makes a difference....Conversed over several months and during which time he found out I was a sub......We embarked a various conversations and he decided he liked the idea of being a Dom.......And so the Education started.... I'm a sub of 8 years experience.... xxxxxx Hello lovingdomwanted. You met a ''Vanilla'' you liked and trained him to be a dom? Sure sometimes it may work but you should know by now (8 years experience?) that the odds are not that good to start with. In ''my'' experience, it is relatively easy to get a vanilla to do do some kink (all vanillas indulge once in a while), but to expect the same vanilla to become a full time ''convert'' is a bit much methinks. Usually one comes to lifestyle bit by bit and not in an ''all or nothing'' fashion (there are exceptions, I know). Chalk it up to experience. A lot a vanillas see subs as roller coasters in a amusement park. They ''love'' the ride but just can't bring it home with them. Just my opinion. RL.

MagiksSlave -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/30/2009 10:02:49 PM)
I really dont know what kinda advise to give here, I have never been in this kind of situation but you seemed to need a hug so (((BIG SUPER HUGE CYBER HUG FROM ACROSS THE OCEAN!!!!))) Magik

lovingdomwanted -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 3:15:04 AM)
Thank you all for your advice and kind thoughts........ I just feel very lost and hurt x

porcelaine -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 6:07:04 AM)
ack... the perils of late night posts. okay, i missed a very important point that someone else made. must have been a blonder for real! this man is not in the lifestyle. as it was previously stated people will "try" things in the bedroom. but you two went much further and i'm almost certain what he did may have freaked him out. the hardest part of this lifestyle is wrapping your mind around the things you want to do or have done to you. as someone else noted, you've been at this for many years. i recognize people can't always control who they meet. but i'm curious as to why you chose to go this route and why you waited so long to inform him about your lifestyle? you stated he eventually learned that you were a submissive. why didn't you tell him this going in? that is one of the primary reasons why i'm a huge proponent for laying things out at the start and allowing the other person to make an informed decision. kink is such a gray area and people have their nuances. if he wasn't aware within the first month or so of speaking i'd have to put more responsibility in your hands. i just don't feel this is something you can hold back on, particularly if you want to incorporate it into the relationship. now there's another thing as well. i've been down this road and i will give you the benefit of doubt because some people really are clueless. i was once involved with someone that i met in a class a few years ago. he was aware of my practices because we openly discussed them. this was one kinky cooking class, but aside from that he couldn't claim ignorance. i don't know if he assumed i was kidding or what really went through his head, but i do recall the first time we were intimate. he had the shocking discovery of learning those things aroused him. in all honesty he was really disturbed. he had difficulty accepting that what he deemed as wrong was a turn on for the two of us. i suppose knowing i wasn't the oddball in the relationship wasn't so kosher. he struggled with this and i found myself at a crossroads of sorts. i was willing to sacrifice my slavery because i cared, but in hindsight i know i would have been miserable doing so. i shared this with you to illustrate how some can engage in something they are truly opposed to. when the reality of their actions and response hits home, it can be traumatic. either the person wrestles with it or chooses the escapist route. my situation paralleled yours in the outcome. as devastated as i was when this occurred, i'm positive it was the best decision in the long run. as popeye cheerfully says, "i am what i am." take pride in this and understand that casting the net wide is fine, but be more discerning with the nibbles you permit next time. porcelaine

AnimusRex -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 9:08:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 But should she really contact him, or wouldn't he contact her if he realized that he missed it? In my experience, rarely if ever has my contacting the guy accomplished anything.... Wouln't it be funny if He was on another site posting a message like "OMG I messed things up with this girl and now I don't know what to say to make things right- I want to contact her but I will look like a pussy if I go groveling back- but how long should I wait for her to contact Me?" "The course of true love ne'er did run smooth."

Missokyst -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 9:38:19 AM)
Personally that would be a guy I wouldn't want back. If I make a mistake I face it head on. If someone thinks they are a "pussy" if they make the first move back ... and by that I mean face on, not grovelling, then I would wonder how they they would be after I got to know them. As for love... in the initial days of bloom it is not them we love, but what we see in ourselves through them. It can seem intense (I would be nilla for them! I would give up anything!), but it is rarely sustainable. quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex quote: ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2 But should she really contact him, or wouldn't he contact her if he realized that he missed it? In my experience, rarely if ever has my contacting the guy accomplished anything.... Wouln't it be funny if He was on another site posting a message like "OMG I messed things up with this girl and now I don't know what to say to make things right- I want to contact her but I will look like a pussy if I go groveling back- but how long should I wait for her to contact Me?" "The course of true love ne'er did run smooth."

porcelaine -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 9:50:44 AM)
since you can't receive cmail i'll post this here. years ago i read a book that was really very good. i think the author did a wonderful job of addressing the emotional struggle many endure when seeking the one they love. her examples and language were easy to comprehend and i think you might get a lot out of it. finding true love http://www.amazon.com/Finding-True-Love-Essential-Discovering/dp/157324564X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251736879&sr=8-1 the second i'm reading now. her demeanor is more in your face but i don't mind that. it is still early on but i must admit she really is spot on. sometimes a little tough love is a must. i do concur about her concept of embarking on a dating detox and i think you might get a lot out of doing so. become your own matchmaker http://www.amazon.com/Become-Your-Own-Matchmaker-Attracting/dp/1416559949/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251737366&sr=1-1 i wish you well and hope the suggestions are of assistance. porcelaine

DesFIP -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 11:39:06 AM)
So in the past you've never dated for a bit and then broken up? Next time don't agree to spend so much money, if you can't afford it then meet someone local or explain you can't fund the ticket and see if they offer to buy it for you. But from your play by play activity list, it sounds as though you figured you had the right to things in exchange for spending that much to get to him. Your unspoken expectations are your problem, he isn't obligated to meet them - especially when you didn't even share them. But he's allowed to try this and decide he doesn't like to play games with people who want blood drawn. And you're supposed to say this outright beforehand in the future so they can refuse. Not set someone with no experience or knowledge up to fail.

Golden614 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (8/31/2009 1:11:50 PM)
In response: I was "with" Him technically for four months prior to us actually breaking up. Really, though, most of that time was me desperately trying to hang on to something that had been gone for longer than I cared to admit. Talk about a one sided relationship! After two months of spending untold amounts of time with my girlfriends, meeting other people, going on dates (a series of unfortunate events!) and doing everything you're supposed to do to "get over him," I finally took the risk and contacted him. I'm not one to put myself out there like that either, and I can't tell you the anxiety involved. There are no words! Only one person, a close friend, encouraged me to go for it. One person, out of my entire family and all of my friends. One! It really took her saying, "You'll never know if you don't try," (and a hefty amount of rum :-p) to get me to send the email that opened up the door for Master and me. My point is, that sometimes it's worth the risk, regardless of circumstance or possible outcome. And sometimes it's nice to hear something positive in order to give us that little extra bump we need to get up the courage TO take a big risk. I really wanted to express to the OP that we can all make guesses and support her in our way, but it's her life and only she knows all the details. Was he a mean nasty bastard, was she? Or did one/both of them just make a really terrible mistake? I think when we get in situations like this, our hearts are already pretty sure of the answers whether or not our heads want to admit it... Best of luck to you, OP, and I hope you feel better soon! :-)

lovingdomwanted -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (9/1/2009 1:41:34 PM)
Thanks one and all for you help and advice.....Things are better now Im back at work and not brooding at home. Time to dust oneself off and chalk it upto experience..... Big Hugs to you all x

Acer49 -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (9/1/2009 9:44:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingdomwanted I met a Vanilla from another site with a military backgroung (UK)...If that makes a difference....Conversed over several months and during which time he found out I was a sub......We embarked a various conversations and he decided he liked the idea of being a Dom.......And so the Education started.... I'm a sub of 8 years experience.... I gave gentle advise of what he may what to purchase, etc etc 1st time we met.....Great.....For him duck to water 2nd time......Great again but subdued as at my house....but still great 3rd time....... In prep for this (He's insistence.......Every conversation was to how exstreme he was going to get....with detail over a 4 day period, he would proceed)....He wanted to push my hard limits....to the extreme???? In order to meet him, I had to endure a 6 day stretch of 12.5 shifts....to allow 5 days total with him. 1st day there.....went out with his friends.....got a spanking before we went out 2nd day........out all day with his mates and spent the rest of time getting his boat ready for sailing......sort of spanking on the morning and some extreme sex 3rd day.......All day with friends 4th day.....He had family over....and after a while he decided to get into Dom mode after family had left....and I was put to bed with a slightly sore bum 5th Day........Nearly time to go home....He ups the anty.......Then he lashes my arse and draws blood.....slightly Day 6.....I'm home, he freeks and Im dumped..... Dispite the fact he says he has loved me throughout, met my family and no contact at all Help? Oh and before some bright spark says " Youre Dumped HUN!".....Yes I do realise that...... My Question is....I gave him My Heart, My Soul and My Body.........Would other Doms kick a sub in the gob like that? Oh and for our USA pals.....'Kick in the Gob...Means Kick in the Teeth! xxxxxx No one, man or woman who be treated like that and my heart goes out to you

SailingBum -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (9/1/2009 11:57:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingdomwanted 2nd day........out all day with his mates and spent the rest of time getting his boat ready for sailing......sort of spanking on the morning and some extreme sex 3rd day.......All day with friends Truly He can't be all bad if he is a sailor. Good folks get dumped all the time. Personally I never had much use for the "poor me what am i gonna do" So man up and move on like the rest of us do. Motown BadOne

antipode -> RE: Where did I go Wrong? (9/3/2009 7:58:20 PM)
quote: Profile hidden........Due to obvious reasons What are they? I see nothing obvious, other than you making things difficult by not providing any information about yourself. Selfish, not obvious. Anyway, you said in your very first line - he is vanilla. I'll hazard a guess you tried to change him into something he isn't, the way you talk make me think you may be manipulative and perhaps clingy. You whine, as well, so the trip is expensive, goes with the territory, why complain about it? But mostly, you want a dom, find a dom. You find vanilla, do vanilla. Don't make things difficult. Now move on..

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