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Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 11:02:47 AM

OttersSwim

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So this post is a "musing"...please share yours!

My Lady and I had a discussion this weekend about submission and the desire to "be pleasing" to another. For me, this is a huge part of my psyche and I am wondering about how others think on it.

I think the desire to make others happy is something that is wired within us all, but the desire to "be" someone who makes others happy as a "foundation stone of who we are" is something I think is mostly found in submissive types. Everything from how we look to how we act, serve, and submit we (most of us) desire to be pleasing to "the other".

I see the foundations of that in myself from an early age, carried on throughout my life. It is the driver in so much of who I am, what I do...

I think if you were to sort of cobble together a list of "submissive traits", "The desire to be pleasing" would probably be high on the list for most.

I think it sometimes gets us in trouble too as certain people will take advantage.

And of course, being me, I have to ask if having that trait in you is harder if you are male or female?

If you think about some of the Asian traditions of female ascetics, that concept of "being pleasing" can be taken to a high art, even refining movement, gesture, speech, etc.

Dunno, feel like I am just scratching the surface on this. What are your thoughts on "Being Pleasing"?

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

Post #: 1

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 11:16:37 AM

DesFIP

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I actually don't find it useful. It sets up the fact that I can and should, control his moods. That I bear responsibility for him having a bad day. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to have to try to manipulate him to make him happy. He's a grown man, if he prefers to be grumpy all the time, that's his problem. Of course with a bad attitude eventually I would walk, but him being happy is his job, not mine.

Plus once I got over it, I am not hampered by not merely as much guilt.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 2

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 11:31:53 AM

OttersSwim

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You know, I don't see it as either controlling nor a sense of responsibility. For me it is the concept of putting my -best self- forward. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to - because it feeds me and it is how I am wired. I also don't see it as manipulation - any more than any other type of service might be so.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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Post #: 3

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 11:32:37 AM

NihilusZero

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I actually don't find it useful. It sets up the fact that I can and should, control his moods. That I bear responsibility for him having a bad day. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to have to try to manipulate him to make him happy. He's a grown man, if he prefers to be grumpy all the time, that's his problem. Of course with a bad attitude eventually I would walk, but him being happy is his job, not mine.

Plus once I got over it, I am not hampered by not merely as much guilt.

I'm having trouble seeing how the willingness to have a demeanor that would always bring a smile to your D-type's/partner's face could be warped into attempting to "control his moods".

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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Post #: 4

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 11:40:20 AM

daintydimples

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I'm having trouble seeing how the willingness to have a demeanor that would always bring a smile to your D-type's/partner's face could be warped into attempting to "control his moods".

Me too.

I, too, see being pleasing as a cornerstone of submission. To me, it's not enough to be obedient. Being pleasingly obedient is a constant goal. Now, I'm human, I don't always manage that. But I'm with otter, a submissive can learn much from the geisha tradition in terms of being pleasing in a classy, elegant, timeless way that will always be appreciated.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 2:21:49 PM

leadership527

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Given that Carol still does not really identify with BDSM, "sub", "slave" or any of this crap, I'd say that the desire to be pleasing is certainly core to her. In the end, that's all she is in her own mind... "Jeff's wife who's working hard to please him". That, really, is the only thing that drives her obedience since she doesn't attach any sort of fantasy tingle to it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 6

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 2:34:32 PM

OttersSwim

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Jeff: I suspect that you did not mean any disrespect to other folk's beliefs, but know that some of us take this BDSM "sub", "slave" crap pretty seriously. We use the terms to identify for ourselves a foundation or core for relationship. Not fantasy tingle at all - it is my very way of being.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 3:00:08 PM

leadership527

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Yup, you're right. I didn't mean it that way. I have a tendency to make light of most anything... maybe even especially things that I personally take seriously. *chuckles* Try to remember that we're the couple that still refer to our 15 year relationship as "playing house." And I'm here to tell you there is nothing that is more deadly serious to me than my marriage..

What I meant to say with Carol is that she never saw herself as anything other than my wife who wants to please me. In her mind it's just as simple as, "Oh hey, Jeff likes this whole M/s thing. I can do that." She never read some book, saw some movie, went to some event, whatever, and began to self-identify as sub/slave. So the "please my husband" gig is really all that she's got going. In her case, that's apparently sufficient to power a TPE dynamic.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 8

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 3:52:52 PM

sweetsub1957

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

So this post is a "musing"...please share yours!

I think if you were to sort of cobble together a list of "submissive traits", "The desire to be pleasing" would probably be high on the list for most.

quote:

What are your thoughts on "Being Pleasing"?

I did a lot of thinking on that same subject way a long time ago and I came up with a list of things. Well, actually, it was a list of things that I wanted to work toward for myself as a submissive, pleasing being part of it. Of course the desire to please and serve is right at the top of the list. I don't know if this is what you're looking for or not, but this is what I came up with & I'm sure if I thought about it, I could add more:

* Desire to Please & Serve
* Obedience
* Devotion
* Ambition
* Enthusiasm
* Honesty
* Love
* Submissiveness
* A Craving to Surrender & Submit
* Integrity
* Intelligence
* Good Communication Skills
* Accountability
* Openness
* Sincerity

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 9

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 4:11:20 PM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

What are your thoughts on "Being Pleasing"?

it is this slave's "raison d'etre".

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 10

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 4:48:38 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

I think the desire to make others happy is something that is wired within us all

Actually, no, it's not wired within us all. I have no desire to MAKE OTHERS happy. It's not my job to MAKE OTHERS happy. All I can do is provide an environment in which they feel safe, content, cherished, wanted, and needed. None of that guarantees happiness though.

As for my thoughts on the phrase 'Being Pleasing'...that can take on quite a few different aspects.
By pleasing, are you referring to
clothing?
speech?
intellect?
Physical appearance?
etc,etc

Or, are you instead only using the phrase in regards to submission?

Since I don't even attempt to lay claim to being a pleasant person

I doubt that the phrase itself would be of any use in regards to me

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 11

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 4:59:31 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I think the desire to make others happy is something that is wired within us all

Actually, no, it's not wired within us all. I have no desire to MAKE OTHERS happy.

Actually, I would absolutely expect a sub/slave to desire to make me happy. It doesn't matter if it's "guaranteed" because happiness is a mutable variable thing. Any attentive slave/sub who has sneakily found out the things hir D-type likes or just listened when they were being told to hir will know how to exact hir D-type's happiness because it implies an understanding of what constitutes the D-type's happiness.

If the slave/sub neither knows nor cares what would make hir D-type happy, there's an issue. It's like the old dissonance in trying to give a friend a CD of your favorite band for their birthday, irrelevant of the type of music they like. If you haven't found out what band they like and have made your music purchase accordingly, the gift is really just for you...and that type of a mentality does not strike me as becoming of a devoted slave/sub.

Granted, much of this could just be a semantic issue.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 5:10:42 PM

BitaTruble

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From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Granted, much of this could just be a semantic issue.

Probably. I don't have an ardent desire to 'make' Himself happy. I do, however, have an ardent desire for him to 'be' happy and I behave accordingly. If he has to depend on me to 'make' him happy, what's he going to do when I can't 'make' him happy? Be miserable? Seems to me that sort of thinking can set one up for failure.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 9/1/2009 5:55:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 13

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 5:11:19 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
I'm having trouble seeing how the willingness to have a demeanor that would always bring a smile to your D-type's/partner's face could be warped into attempting to "control his moods".

Because I can't always bring a smile to his face. So if I feel that my responsibility is to make him happy, no matter what, I'm ignoring the realities of life and I'll put myself in a tailspin when, for whatever reason, he simply won't get a smile on his face.

I do my best but I don't beat myself up about it if he isn't pleased. And if the D type isn't pleased, then by definition the s type wasn't pleasing. No matter if a week before the very same behavior would have had him howling with desire.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 14

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 5:26:22 PM

manxcat

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I am not a sub, but I do like to make others happy, at the very least to bring a smile to their face. There are many ways to do this, without being submissive, from gifts to jokes, or just listening without judgement or trying to solve their problem. Seeing a need and filling it.
Case in point: I came across a case with a speaker for an IPod and immediately thought of a friend, who has an IPod. To use it in drawing class, we would need another thingy to route it through the boom box so the whole class could hear. When I gave it to her, she was totally tickled, and almost in tears. It went beyond just a small token for her, as she had NEVER been given a gift, just because... not birthday or Christmas, etc.
As NZ said, choosing your kind of music defeats the purpose.
But yes in the sub context, I would certainly want someone who is interested in pleasing me. Someone who sees what I like, and does it, just because it will make me smile. That kind of behaviour will certainly make me more amenable to *funishment* much more quickly than being a brat. Brats usually get the opposite response - nothing that they so dearly want.

manxy

_____________________________

The television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a
billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly,
that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little.
Ray Bradbury

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 5:54:54 PM

OrionTheWolf

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~FR~

I am of the side that expects my slave to give me enjoyment and pleasure (the definition of pleasing). I do not expect my slave to be my only enjoyment and pleasure, as that would then put a responsibility upon her to always make me happy, and give her control of my mood. I have found that in most of those that defer to another (submissive, slave, or whatever is the PC word of the day), there is often a desire to either bring enjoyment and pleasure to another, or to gain praise and appease their ego. Neither of those are a bad thing, as many will read ego as a negative connotation, but self esteem relies upon the ego, and praise and results of action are have the most impact upon self esteem.

I also expect my slave will sometimes bring me anger, frustration, irritation, stress, and a myriad of things. Once the negative things start to outweigh the positive things, then the relationship ends, just as in any. So if the goal of my slave is to be pleasing, then it increases the chance of a successful relationship with me. It may be different for others, and this is why there are many different paths to the same goal.

To answer one of the musings of the OP, yes I have found the trait to be pleasing more often than not in slaves. I know slaves that do not have that as a primary trait, and instead use it as a method to retain being owned, thus providing security.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to manxcat)

Post #: 16

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 6:26:28 PM

kyraofMists

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I am a reformed people pleaser. I learned to say "No" in my mid-twenties and I have been happier since then.

As his slave, I do not operate from the mind set of pleasing him. It isn't my job. My job is to do his will. Pleasing him comes second to doing his will. Sometimes when I do his will, he gets pissed off because his instructions didn't give him the result that he wanted.

I found for myself early on in our relationship that doing things to please him is more about doing my will than it is about doing his will. It is more about doing the things that are going to give me the warm fuzzies, than it is about doing what he want me to do. That sets me up for failure and emotional turmoil.

I still do things that I know will bring him pleasure, but the primary motivation is not to be found pleasing, it is to do his will.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 17

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 6:38:50 PM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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I want him to smile every single time he looks at me or thinks about me. I suppose the only way to accomplish that is to be pleasing to him.
I find nothing wrong with striving to be pleasing. I find nothing wrong with being a representation of all the things he enjoys.

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Post #: 18

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 6:39:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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serve, please and obey..Master's rules for me.

Being pleasing is one of my roles..it doesn't mean that I am to make him happy...it means I am to help bring some joy and contentment into his life by obeying his orders, dressing in a way that he finds attractive, bringing my intelligence and personality to the table in a way that brings him pleasure, to do whatever I can to make sure I am not a burden or a disspassionate person in his life.

Only he can make himself happy.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 19

RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 6:48:32 PM

girlivy

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Being pleasing is a positive mood/feeling to me and since i can only control myself in situations be them good,bad, or indifferent, i choose to be pleasing and (more times than not) Very humorious.. it just feels good inside no matter whats going on the outside :)
Continued blessings,
ivy

_____________________________

AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL GROWTH NEVER COMES FROM EXPERIENCES THAT THE EGO CAN PREDICT OR CONTROL.
OUR SPIRIT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA: OUR DESTINY.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

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Post #: 20

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