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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:30:36 PM   
Aanakaris


Posts: 310
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		Sweetsub makes a good point.  The OP is looking from the "I'm being served" direction but she should be thinking in the: "I am serving in a way I'm not used to" instead.

I have given massages to subs after a hard day, but I enjoy running my hands over their body and hearing the little pleasure sounds. As a former chef, I do almost all of the cooking in my relationships, D/s or not, I've had submissive women freak out from this and the response is always that cooking brings me pleasure so keep quiet and enjoy the food.


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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
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(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 10:00:04 PM   
mauve


Posts: 22
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		Me and my dominant are actually in a long term relationship, so I don't feel uncomfortable being spoilt at all. Infact i love it. Makes me want to please and love him even more then is physically posible. Purrr....

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 10:02:07 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Think of it this way... He is not serving you. He is sharing his own love for interacting with you. That is neither given nor taken.

Think of it another way. He is trying to teach you self worth and self validation.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 10:23:08 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		This is a two part issue from the side of the Dom:

1) You have to understand your sub/slave and the way they emotionally/psychologically interpret appreciation and positive response to their service; that way you are rewarding accordingly (for instance, many subs, is seems, would get more [in that sense] from a soft pet and a "good girl" than they would from a pretty piece of jewelry). So, when trying to encourage proper behavior, it behooves the Dom steer the reaction towards something the sub/slave will understand.

2) There will be times when the pampering is just pampering and I'd expect it to be taken gracefully and graciously. These may often involve things I would get that I personally think will be useful to her environment or persona and/or things which steer her towards accepting or trying things which would please me to have her surrender to (this can be anything from trying a new food to acclimate her to a cuisine I like, to reading a certain book which guides her philosophically to thoughts I'd want her to consider intellectually, to buying her clothes which will increase her enjoyment of a style of dress I'd like to see her in more to the purchase of a small pet to encourage a feeling of a certain propriety in a new environment).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 9/6/2009 10:26:58 PM >

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 2:39:26 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I don't have much of an issue with this.

I identify as a submissive, or a person with a strong tendency and preference to submit to another person in my interpersonal relationships.

I form relationships with people who have a strong tendency and preference to dominate and assume control in their interpersonal relationships.

When I form a friendship with someone, they have complete freedom to be themselves.

The same can be said when I form a relationship or enter into a dynamic.

That freedom involves not placing any obligation or expectation on them to dominate me or to act in a dominant manner towards me. If they choose to act as my friend or equal, then that is perfectly acceptable to me. If they wish to be submissive towards me, or to serve me in some way, then that is also perfectly acceptable.

When I give my consent or agree to submit to someone, I do so unconditionally, and commit myself to being submissive as and when they require to the degree they require and of the nature they require so as to satiate their need or desire to dominate and have control irrespective of whether they require my submission 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year or for three hours every Sunday afternoon.



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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 3:53:22 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

As i didn't want to highjack Lady Pact's thread, i started this one. i have been recently talking with a Dominant who likes to do things for His girl in a pampering kind of way. The idea of having a Dominant that i am serving (which isn't really the case here yet, as He and i are just talking) doing for me makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. i don't know how to deal with it, it feels not only foreign, but backwards. Yes intellectually i agree that if doing something for One's submissive gives the Dominant pleasure, then that should be gratefully and gracefully received by said submissive. However emotionally, i know i am not there at all.

i also realize that i can't be the only submissive who has ever felt this way and i am wondering what the perspective of  both sides of the kneel is. For the D-types, how would you want your submissive to react, how would you help them react in the manner that you want? For the s-types, how have you dealt with this, have you dealt with this, if you struggle or have struggled with the idea like i do, how did you get past that struggle?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt


M does what HE wants for me or *to* me, as and when he wants. He does far more for me than I do for him because he doesn't *need* me to do anything for him.

The thought and IDEA of this is actually FAR worse than it is in practice. If he'd told me up ahead what he'd be likely to do for me, I'd have cringed horribly. The fact is, he doesn't *do* anything that he doesn't *want* to do or that he doesn't think is the right and best thing.

If he wants to string me up from the hook in my ceiling and make me orgasm over and over, then that's what he'll do. I might not be comfortable with it at the time.......but I'm not in control. If he wants to spank me until blood covers his hand, then he will do that , whether or not I *want* it, or feel comfortable about it. If he wants to run me a bath, wash me with great attention, dry me and lay me on my bed, he'll do just that ..whether I *want* it or not.

The point is, he does things that I don't necessarily *want* or feel comfortable about *at the time*.....but I don't get to choose what they are or how he executes them. He's not *serving* me, he's doing what he thinks is best, he's doing what he thinks is required, he's doing what he wants to do.

I'm at my most comfortable when no-one *does* anything for me because then I'm in control of who does what and when, and I'm in control of how I want to feel.......but it just doesn't work like that around here.......lol

When he's being *nice* he is sometimes actually being a bit horrible......and when it might appear to the outside world that he's being horrible, he's actually being very nice.

agirl























(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 4:03:12 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		I do not have this problem as i am greedy... i take as much pain or pleasure He decides to give me.
I think your problem (as you seem to understand yourself) lays with the control issue... you might try to relax, give the control to him, get in the bath and you might simply enjoy... then again... you might not... and sit amoungst the bubbles uncomfortably...
Are you perhaps into humiliation too? because in that case it might help if he were to make you wear a silly nose whilst you sit in the bath...

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 5:05:35 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45
any dominant worth their salt would not demand immediate service when they see their submissive come in from an obviously long day at work, looking like the world just kicked them in the teeth, and they're on the verge of tears.


Whilst I agree with the sentiment of this I heartily disagree with the specifics, especialy the 'any Dominant worth their salt' in fact quite the opposite. Sometimes the girl actualy NEEDS the opposite. Even if it is just a small thing, being of service even when dog tired can result in a tired girl being able to relax and rest easy and recover rather than fret about being 'too tired to be a good slave' (Which even if I know it, getting her to face the fact that she isn't letting Me down can take a great deal of careful handling'. A Dominant worth their salt should be capable of looking beyond the purely physical, beyond feeling sorry for her, beyond His Own natural responce to her physical tiredness in order to ensure her psychological needs as a slave are fullfilled.

As for when the girl is ill and I am doing things for her. Sometimes the order to 'get your ass on that couch and rest' can be one of the hardest for her to submit too. Reminding her that it is just as much submission as when I am having her run around doing things, it is an order and she damn well comply with it as fully as any other order AND "I do have arms and legs too, how do you think these things got down before I Owned you? There is no such thing as a washing up fairy or a coffee making elf!" tends to help... but the fact she has no damn choise in the matter is the clincher!


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Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 5:39:02 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Wow, there are some fabulous answers here, thank you all so much. They have been very helpful. It is good to hear that i am not the only one who goes through this and yes, if i end up with the Dominant that i am currently talking with, He will be taking me out of my comfort zone. It is as a girl said, far more comfortable to serve than to be done for, but i really appreciated what you said a girl about Him being in control. If i can and do take pain i don't like as part of my submission, this isn't really any different. Thank you porcelaine for your comments, i am rushing ahead in my head and need to calm down. And i will definitely have to fake it until i make it (grin). There were some great thoughts and answers brought up and i really thank you all.

It was also very helpful to hear from the Dominant side on that point of view. Thank you all very much.

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 9/7/2009 5:40:02 AM >

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 5:53:23 AM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		maybe if You look at it from the perspective of.. He takes good care of ALL His possessions? not unlike washing a treasured car or other valuable.. at least until You get over the thinking that a Master cannot be affectionate and enjoy having HIS girl squirm in pleasure due to the "things" He chooses to do her?  Perhaps He is very good at doing these things and enjoys the reactions He gets and that should be enough for You...
An M/s relationship ( for me ) is one of THE MOST loving relationships!  Total Committment.. Total Honesty and a Giving of BOTH to the other... if you do not have the need for affection and loving touches perhaps you need to talk to Him about that rather than think something is wrong perhaps He can shed light on that for you and help you understand HIS reasoning..... and maybe this is His way of saying thank you for ALL You do for Him!

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 6:01:35 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you loverly for your reply. i know that i have convoluted thinking in my head, i don't have trouble with most affectionate things, like holding hands, hugs, kisses, that sort of thing, it is compartmentalized into things like giving massages or bubble baths. But you are correct, if it is what He wishes to do, then i will learn how to accept it graciously, just like i learned how to deal with pain or just to say thank you to a compliment. Thank you for your reply.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 6:28:01 AM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		You're welcome heartfelt.. you know i was th inking about it and i used to feel that way .. as if i wasnt doing enough or was slacking if HE HAD to get me something.. or offered.. but then i understood more that it is a two way street and an affectionate thing rather than serving.. that pleasure comes in all forms for people... and well.. as Humans we all deserve to be pampered .. He could hand You the cash and send you off to the spa.. maybe He just preferes Only His hands on You and this is His thank You for all you do for Him... revel in it.. some girls are forever sleeping on floors and sent away after the day is done .. to be on their own ... really only a piece of property.. Sounds as if He is wanting a full well rounded relationship.. HOW REFRESHING!
and then too more and more i am hearing of Masters that have strength in oral sex or massages or cooking ( this usually means Grilling ! lol ), some even prefere to shave their own slaves and hand feed them! TPE comes in many forms and pleasure is found doing alot of different things...  and that They are just happy doing these things and bringing pleasure because of them and what they are good at to others.. be them guests or loved ones. It is not a Dom or slave things.. being nurturing or good at something pleasurable.
It would be no different than Him knowing You get pleasure from any other thing He does for / to you :-) And like those other things.. it will only serve to bring you closer and produce a deeper relationship!

IMO anyway.. good luck! and sheesh! Where is my Master wanting to give me a massage! lol He would have one whistling while she works girl! lol

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 7:09:58 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		You're welcome.

On a lighter note ..... there's nothing worse than a dom that ruins a perfectly good *bad mood* by doing something nice and making you laugh. There's more than one way to piss a slave off.

agirl



(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 8:15:51 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It used to be hard for me to accept Master doing something for me at first until he reminded me I was his property and if he wanted to do something for me it was his perogative, not mine and by not accepting it or pulling away in some form I was being disobedient.

Yeah..doesn't bother me so much anymore.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 11:24:12 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		If you own a doll, you may enjoy dragging it through the mud, but you may also enjoy cleaning it off and dressing it up. Let him enjoy the full spectrum of activities that one can enjoy with one's possession.

Guys don't often get to do those things like bathing or dressing a woman, so it can have a certain appeal sometimes.

Plus - I don't necessarily see those things as service. For one, it is exercising complete access to someone. For another, if you've ever seen a mother cat clean it's kittens, you know that it can be a possessive act.

He may get off on your having to submit to his ministrations, as well.

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 11:38:04 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Personally in many regards I myself enjoy doing things for or to my partner. If I wish to give her a bubble bath am I still not topping the activitity? When you are topping you can give whatever endless list of sensations there is.

Soon as words pleasure and pampering enter the equation it's amazing how that changes things.

if I drag a girl by her hair into a bathtub, run the water and have wicked pervy sexy, it's acceptable, but If I drag her to the bathtub and give her a bubble bath it's some how not? I still enjoy the feeling of her skin and flesh under my finger tips and doing what I'm doing.

So, this is just from my perspective. :-)

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 9/7/2009 12:07:56 PM >

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 1:58:27 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you Jeptha, that possessive thing helps to put it in another perspective.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 1:59:38 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you Whiplashsmile for your answer. It is very helpful to me to hear the Dominant perspective.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/7/2009 5:30:51 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If your relationship is d/s solely with no caring, then I can see this would be odd.

For us, we love each other. We also both are zombies in the morning until the first cup of tea is drunk. So if he's woken up early, he puts the water on and makes me a cup of tea. If he's sleeping in, I make it. It's just another way to show that we love each other. And has nothing to do with him saying "do this", "wear that", "Proofread this letter for me".

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/8/2009 5:44:44 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Case in point: We just nipped for some shopping, My girl is a little droppy, a little spacy and still has quite a sore back from the play We had on her Birthday on Sunday evening. she went to put on her backpack to carry the heavier items home and I saw a wince that I interpreted as meaning that carrying that would mean her back took longer to recover. So I took the backpack off her and put it on Myself.... to be met with a "but thats my job!"...

Mistake, she just got a reminder (aka mini lecture) of the fact that something is only 'her job' if I tell her it is 'her job', she doesn't have ownership of the task, it is something I ALLOW her to do for Me and if I decide I am doing it then it isn't her job any longer, it is My job!


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 40
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