quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

I have done years of "research" into BDSM and in particular, D/s - M/s, and have had one "on-line" experience and only recently, one REAL life experience. I have to ask this !! And please bear in mind that this is "Lifestyle" and not just "Bedroom kink" !!

A Dom/me does "things" for His / Her submissive to satiate their needs, and for that, the Dom/me gets their satisfaction.

If the Dom/mes "purpose" is to fullfill the needs of their submissive for their own delight, who's REALLY " In charge" ?? I KNOW the Dom/me is "supposed" to be, but there lies the Paradox !!!

And just for the record, I will, and want to do the BEST I can for "My girl" as that is the thing that pleasures Me the most !!

Opinions please ?

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

A power exchange is only a paradox if you see it as a one way exchange. In a good dynamic, the power does not flow one way, it's circular. On some level, the s-type is empowered by giving up power.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

Some really interesting responses to the original post, thank you A/all.
Nothing "appears" to be conclusive as far as I can see, and it's interesting to see various opinions and supporting statements, I suppose My only "supporting" reply would be the usage of the submissive's "safe word" ( IF you use one ) The Dom/me is In charge of the scene / play / etc etc, but if the sub uses their safe word do you just ignore it because YOU'RE in charge ?? But then this too, opens up a whole new topic as two P/people who are in a M/s, D/s should have such an understanding and rapport with each other that the Dom/me should be able to "read" His / Her submissive as to not need a "safe word" !!


Maybe I have still got a lot to learn, but I am having the most wonderful journey with My girl physically, spiritually and emotionally and I would rather post questions like this to learn MORE than to not post them for "fear" of ridicule or "judgement" from others, which I'm pleased to say hasn't happened.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

Some really interesting responses to the original post, thank you A/all.
Nothing "appears" to be conclusive as far as I can see, and it's interesting to see various opinions and supporting statements, I suppose My only "supporting" reply would be the usage of the submissive's "safe word" ( IF you use one ) The Dom/me is In charge of the scene / play / etc etc, but if the sub uses their safe word do you just ignore it because YOU'RE in charge ?? But then this too, opens up a whole new topic as two P/people who are in a M/s, D/s should have such an understanding and rapport with each other that the Dom/me should be able to "read" His / Her submissive as to not need a "safe word" !!


Maybe I have still got a lot to learn, but I am having the most wonderful journey with My girl physically, spiritually and emotionally and I would rather post questions like this to learn MORE than to not post them for "fear" of ridicule or "judgement" from others, which I'm pleased to say hasn't happened.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Biryl

The D/S aspect of BDSM is a bit of a paradox. 
The idea is that there is a dominant who is in charge and has the power (the degree of power depends upon the relationship).  The submissive or slave then lacks power. 
By all appearances, the dominant is in control and the submissive is not.
The truth of the matter is that the dominant has power only because the submissive yields it.  The submissive still truly retains all the power.  The power of the dominant is illusory, in a sense.  It can come to an end at any moment when the submissive/slave decides to reject the dominant's claim over them. 

Therein lies part of the appeal of dominance and submission (and what separates it from abusive or oppressive relationships).  The submissive/slave makes a choice, just as the dominant does.  The relationship being engaged in is a choice, constantly reaffirmed by the will of the participants involved.  Aileen (forgive me if using you as an example offends you) has no power to control her relationship because she, in fact, chose to give up that power.  She could choose to reclaim this power, which I imagine would end or harm her relationship with her dominant.  By choosing to submit, Aileen constantly affirms her dedication to her partner, her dominant.  He, in turn, affirms his dedication to her by continuing to assert power over her.  Unlike many traditional or vanilla relationships, d/s relationships involve constant affirmation through choice.

To continue this to your original commentary upon pleasure:  The dominant's purpose is to dominate.  The submissive's purpose is to submit.  It sounds like you want to pleasure your girl as best as possible because you care.  That tends to be what happens in caring, mutual relationships.  Even in d/s relationships, there can (and in my opinion, should) exist an equality amongst partners.  Both partners should be having their needs met.  Its just that these needs are being met in different ways.  The dominant meets their needs through dominance and exertion of power as the submissive has their needs met through submitting and relinquishing of power.  This is no way diminishes the power exchange or power relationship or even the "realness" of the power relations between the dominant and submissive.  Your choosing to fulfill your submissive's desires fulfills yours.  Therefore, you are meeting your own needs. 

Depending upon the structures of your relationship, you may engage in activities simply for the enjoyment of your submissive.  I would argue that this does not remove you from your role as a dominant.  Ultimately, you're still doing those activities for yourself.  You please your submissive because you gain pleasure from her enjoyment.  You are still in charge, and you still decide if you're going to please her, how you're going to please her, and other specifics of the situation.  She is still submitting to your will. 

Still, there is a bit of a paradoxical in D&S, but that's just how it is. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcheeksbbw
The truth of it is that if the sub does not choose to give up his power to me, I am nothing.  In reality, the sub holds the cards.