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Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 5:45:14 PM

FeedingMyNeed

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/13/2008
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Okay, i am admittedly relatively new to the lifestyle but have been living with my Master for going on 8 months.

i've had some trouble adjusting and trusting Him enough to hand over control of my life, my mind, and my heart but i've been making progress.

So, here's the scenerio....

His father's stepdaughter and her friend come down to the Keys for a short vacation (they are both in their 30's) and my Master shows them around some of the bars and such (yes, i was asked if i wanted to go but i was sick). He doesn't come home that night and doesn't call. i waited up for Him, finally falling asleep around 5 am. He comes in about 7:30 and comes straight to bed, doesn't want to talk much because He is hungover....okay, i am upset but i get over it.

Approximately a week later, He shows me an email from the stepdaughter's friend which says in part..."I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again." So, i ask Him if and how He "played" with her. He says, "I won't lie to you, I manipulated her to orgasm in the hotel pool and then she gave me a blowjob on the balcony."

i was very upset. i didn't hide it, couldn't hide it. i feel betrayed, hurt, jealous, insecure, and angry now and i'm having trouble getting past it. i don't really have anyone to talk to about my chosen lifestyle and even though i talk to Him about it, i still can't get past it.

What do i do?

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 5:55:11 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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The key issue here is what kind of relationship did HE lead you into believing you where submitting to....

If it was clear that He reserved the right to such things but your problem is in facing the reality, then it is you who have the problem and need to get over it or get out.

However

If you where led to believe you where in a Monogamous relationship then you just got your ass cheated on and your problem is what exit strategy to use.

There can be no real advice here without knowing what the basis of the relationship in regard to others was ment to be. There is no "That's how it is in the lifestyle" this is something individual to each relationship.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:08:26 PM

FeedingMyNeed

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Joined: 8/13/2008
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It's been a bit of both actually. It's been stated more times than not that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. He tells me that He did not go out with the intention of that happening but it did. i think, and i told Him this, that if i'd known there was a possibility of that happening, i would have handled it better.

i don't like finding out after the fact, then it's too late to do anything about it. i try to be upfront and honest, it doesn't always work but i try. i asked Him why He didn't tell me sooner and He just said i was already upset and it wasn't the right time.

i guess i just need another perspective on this because it's still eating at me.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:17:07 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Personally I would be pissed, not about the actual act but his deceit, his keeping it from me until I finally found out inadvertantly.

At that point I would be wondering what else he is keeping from me and it would lead to quite a rocky relationship from that point on because I would always be wondering what he's doing, where he's going, etc...there would be a loss of trust.

Maybe over time it can be repaired by his actions and honesty but for me personally that's not been my experience.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:23:36 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like you have issues on multiple levels:
1) no clearly defined line of monogomy/poly or "playing with others". It's the BS... I get to do what I want when I want and change my mind because someone else has my dick in their mouth. Frankly this is why too many men slap on the title master...usually because they are tired of the name Master-bater.

2)He has problems with his own ethics. Sexually manipulating a guest in your home ESPECIALLY a vanilla visitor you're asking for trouble.

3)Exactly what did you expect him to do? He's already crossed the line by fondeling her, did you really want to have him call you while she had his dick in her mouth so you could listen and approve?

Sadly, we only have one side of the story but this doesn't read well about what you've established. Reality is you also have duty in this even as a novice, knowing what is expected of you and knowing what to expect are first day kink 101 things...when you don't ask the questions you can't be angry that you didn't get an answer.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:38:12 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Personally I have two problems here, both issues of trust... the implication inherent in "I'm not looking" is that you have nothing to be concerned about.... My girl knows if something is on the cards with whomever BEFORE it happens, else it doesn't happen... not because I owe her anything but because I have built stability on this household being open and honest before anything occurs. The second and bigger of the two... Lying by omission, leaving it till the email arrived before letting you know what happened.

My girl doesn't have any anxiety about what I am or am not doing because she knows UPFRONT whether play or sex is on the cards... just as surely as I know she isn't going to play or have sex without My permission.... it is the way I run My household and avoid insecurity/trust issues arising.

The question as to whether you can rebuild the trust is upto you, if you can it will only happen with a lot of communication, ALL the cards being on the table and him putting effort in to addressing how to stop such things being a problem and then STICKING to what methodology He sets down.

If you can't fix the trust you WILL eventually walk, without trust there isn't a healthy relationship of any kind, especially not M/s or D/s!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:39:10 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed
It's been a bit of both actually. It's been stated more times than not that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. He tells me that He did not go out with the intention of that happening but it did. i think, and i told Him this, that if i'd known there was a possibility of that happening, i would have handled it better.

OK, so it's really RavenMuse's choice A. You knew this but the reality was harder to swallow than the fantasy.

On his side, all I can say is that I'm less than impressed with his leadership here.

I think the both of you need to up your game substantially on the communication thing.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 6:41:10 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

sounds messy, sounds like you need to get out. great he fessed up, good for him, but so nonshalantly. exactly what is he looking for a relationship or a toy? more importently what are you looking for, and could you ever trust him? the man undertone of bdsm is trust and honesty if you dont have that you dont have anything. also she says, ''I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again." meaning this doesnt have anything to do with the 'bar scene.' she wants to see him again, does he want to see her again? did he ever respond to the email? she is only going down there to 'play' with him.. did he even say that you existed? and if he did tell her that you exsisted, then what did he say to make her think it was ok to flirt and give him head later?

there are a lot of unanswered questions here.

_____________________________

bound by love,

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(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 7:21:11 PM

FeedingMyNeed

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline

Let me just say that fault doesn't just lie in one person and i know that. i have not tried to defend myself to you all and make Him look like a bad guy, i have simply stated facts. Facts and perceptions are a part of my way of life. Sometimes, we need to put down the facts and perceptions and just get someone's opinion to help us look at things a different way, from a different point of view.

Maybe He wasn't clear or maybe i heard only what i wanted to hear. Maybe this is just the first of many bumps in the road of a long, happy relationship, maybe it's the last straw. i have yet to figure that out. Regardless, Y/you have all helped tremendously and i thank Y/you.

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/16/2009 8:00:43 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Ok, the way I would interpret what he said is, "I'm not actively looking for anyone else right now, but if an opportunity drops into my lap, I'll take advantage of it." I agree he should have told you as soon as he could, rather than waiting for the e-mail.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 3:04:08 AM

FawneTwo

Posts: 98
Status: offline

He warned you "...if it falls in his lap"
not saying he wouldn't trip a girl into that posture but "ya know it happens"

opinion - the man you are with will not ever be monogamous.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 11

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 9:39:06 AM

Falkenstein

Posts: 187
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

Let me just say that fault doesn't just lie in one person and i know that. i have not tried to defend myself to you all and make Him look like a bad guy, i have simply stated facts. Facts and perceptions are a part of my way of life. Sometimes, we need to put down the facts and perceptions and just get someone's opinion to help us look at things a different way, from a different point of view.

Maybe He wasn't clear or maybe i heard only what i wanted to hear. Maybe this is just the first of many bumps in the road of a long, happy relationship, maybe it's the last straw. i have yet to figure that out. Regardless, Y/you have all helped tremendously and i thank Y/you.

Well, let me give you an Ol' European view of that:

He was clear on the fidelity he could offer to you: not much.
He got drunk and messed around (and probably more than he told you)
The absolutely unacceptable part of his behavior for me is this "in your face! babe".
Besides being callous to the disgusting, it may be a stupid way to humiliate you, or to condition you to become a doormat.

I will not give you advices, but a gentleman is discreet in these matters, especially toward the cheated one, it is not just a precaution, but elementary politeness and basic respect.

Kinky Regards

Henry

_____________________________

Henry,

Part of that power which still
Produceth good, whilst ever scheming ill.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 10:51:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I would find this a deal breaker on many levels. The lying to me, since it is obvious that he would not have mentioned it if you hadn't found out enough to ask pointedly what happened. Over and above this, having an affair with his stepsister is something I would never find acceptable.

Does he propose to tell his father and stepmother about this? How will this impact family relations in the future, or does he even care?

I couldn't get over this. I suggest you take your time deciding if you can or what compelling reasons there are that lead you to think you should.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Falkenstein)

Post #: 13

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 11:00:07 AM

SlutAndi

Posts: 36
Joined: 9/16/2009
Status: offline

This is why in no way will I be able to have a non monogamous relationship... I am far to insecure for all that and my Dom was told straight off before anything began! While we live miles apart from eachother I fully trust that he has kept to that agreement and hardly ever question him because it has been pulled out in the open and we have Discussed this situation a number of times. And he know's he will loose me in an instant if he broke this.. and i would find out sooner or later.

The way in which he so casually showed you this e-mail is most definitly a slap in the face and he should have told you even if it was the next day. I agree with the previous post in which it seems a round about way of humiliating you. This is not the way a real M/D would go about this.

(assuming here)This will now always play on your mind unless you find a way to deal with it.. but it seems to me that this may never be a comfortable situation for you. For a moment you Must think about YOU and take care of you inside, and think about your needs. As this may possibly break you if its not the right setting that you had hoped for.

< Message edited by SlutAndi -- 9/17/2009 11:01:35 AM >

(in reply to Falkenstein)

Post #: 14

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 2:41:51 PM

afterforever

Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline

Des, I think it was the stepsister's friend.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

Maybe He wasn't clear or maybe i heard only what i wanted to hear.

Both, in my opinion. He made it sound like he was probably going to be monogamous, for a while at least, and you translated that as a definite. Now you know he's not going to be monogamous (and he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who ever will be), you just need to work out whether you're ok with that or not. And if so, whether it's ok for you to go off and get head from randoms too.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 15

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 2:47:39 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

He shows me an email from the stepdaughter's friend

i would be very curious as to why he showed you that e-mail...

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Post #: 16

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 3:01:57 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

i have never understood why women believe they will change a man's mind. assuming he told you this upfront, i'm sure you knew if this was something you could handle. we know how we're wired. some are truly okay with having multiple partners and others aren't. but perhaps you told yourself it would never happen, you're enough, or whatever tale made you forget that one little confession he made.

what i don't understand is where your responsibility is in all of this. i guess he's the bad guy because he did something that he said he was going to do before, even if he wasn't actively looking to do it. sounds like this is a real wakeup call and if you're having issues you'd better have a long heart to heart with yourself.

even if i played devil's advocate and questioned why he showed you the email, i'd still guess he wants it to happen again. which means you'll either accept it, participate, or find yourself back here starting another thread. whatever you decide i wish you the best.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Post #: 17

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 3:19:48 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

What do i do?

That's not for a bunch of strangers to decide.

Only you know the answer.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 18

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/17/2009 8:53:44 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

what i don't understand is where your responsibility is in all of this. i guess he's the bad guy because he did something that he said he was going to do before, even if he wasn't actively looking to do it. sounds like this is a real wakeup call and if you're having issues you'd better have a long heart to heart with yourself.

I'll second this.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 19

RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/18/2009 12:27:56 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

Okay, i am admittedly relatively new to the lifestyle but have been living with my Master for going on 8 months.

i've had some trouble adjusting and trusting Him enough to hand over control of my life, my mind, and my heart but i've been making progress.

So, here's the scenerio....

His father's stepdaughter and her friend come down to the Keys for a short vacation (they are both in their 30's) and my Master shows them around some of the bars and such (yes, i was asked if i wanted to go but i was sick). He doesn't come home that night and doesn't call. i waited up for Him, finally falling asleep around 5 am. He comes in about 7:30 and comes straight to bed, doesn't want to talk much because He is hungover....okay, i am upset but i get over it.

Approximately a week later, He shows me an email from the stepdaughter's friend which says in part..."I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again." So, i ask Him if and how He "played" with her. He says, "I won't lie to you, I manipulated her to orgasm in the hotel pool and then she gave me a blowjob on the balcony."

i was very upset. i didn't hide it, couldn't hide it. i feel betrayed, hurt, jealous, insecure, and angry now and i'm having trouble getting past it. i don't really have anyone to talk to about my chosen lifestyle and even though i talk to Him about it, i still can't get past it.

What do i do?

Well on one hand, he told you from jump that he will not be monogamous and it appears you must have agreed. On the other hand, he was less than candid about the incident. so on some level, he must have realized it was wrong, permission or not. I think he was very insensitive. Furthermore, I would assume you would be willing to be manipulted into an orgasm as well as would be willing to give him a blow job, So, why was it necessary for him to get it elsewhere? In my book, lying and lying by ommission are the same and I am willing to bet that if you had not asked he would have not volunteered any information. I may be out of step with the times, but there is no orgasm of any kind worth, seeing the hurt and pain on my slave's face and knowing that I am the one responsible for it.

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 9/18/2009 12:29:32 AM >

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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)

Post #: 20

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