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ownedgirlie -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (2/28/2006 8:53:41 PM)
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Damn slavejali, you ask the hard questions! i hesitated whether to write to it, because i tend to be so private...but..... ~deep breath in~ here goes (and forgive me for being so winded):
i grew up in an abusive environment. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Love was conditional. In short, we were not loved if we were not pleasing. End of story. This meant being completely ignored for days at a time. This meant lots of welts from the belt, and sometimes the buckle side. Lots of hits to the face. Lots of "solitary confinement." lol i recall even being tied to my bed at naptime so i would stay put. How's THAT for conditioning??
Serious punishment if caught masterbating. A woman's body was dirty.
Whether related or not, i had fantasies of being dominated from before puberty also. i thought i was a freak. i kept them to myself.
Two childhood molestations. One was by a neighbor and so poorly handled by my parents that THEY did more damage than the actual act. It was difficult though, 8 years old, being handled by an adult, knowing he should not be but "obey your elders" being so drilled into my head i could not say no. The second was from a family member so i damn sure wasn't going to speak up.
Was attracted to men who liked to take over. Most were unhealthy relationships, where i did what i felt i needed, to get attention and approval. Most left me feeling empty.
Married a man...a nice man. He was so kind, so FUNNY, so charming. Accepted me for me. Thought i was wonderful. Constantly told me how beautiful, how smart, how loving, how terrific i was. He wasn't interested in me for sex. In fact, he wasn't all that interested in sex. Go figure - i could be loved without sex. So i married him.
But he still didn't want sex. And once we were in the same house, i fell off my pedestal. Landed hard. He saw imperfections. A perfectionist does not like imperfections. He would point them out. To help. Constantly. i would try harder. He deserved it, after all, because he loved me unconditionally....right? Damn, but i kept failing. i would have to explain myself to someone who did not understand imperfection, and pains, and baggage. Sometimes i would have to explain all night, until morning, not allowed sleep, because i wasn't explaining well enough.
i wasn't allowed children, because he did not trust me as a mother. i wasn't allowed sex, because i did not behave in a way that was appealing. i was not allowed to self please, because that took something away from him. i was not allowed friends, because they imposed on his time. i was not allowed a pet, because it would distract me from him. i wasn't allowed to be tired, it annoyed him. He didn't like the way i breathed at night either. He didn't like the way i handled myself at work, or the way i managed our money, or the way i conversed with my family.
All this...gradually...over time...chipping and chipping away.
i had no outlet.
i began exploring online. Just surfing around, no harm done. The computer was my only friend, after all. i discovered chat rooms...and D/s - wow there was a NAME to what i felt...maybe i wasn't such a freak of nature...Talked to some interesting people. Talked to a Dom. A lot. Talked to him on the phone. He helped me touch myself for the first time since childhood. He thought i was a pretty good person. He liked that i was imperfect. we never met in person, just talked. Told husband about it. He went kind of crazy and wouldn't allow me at the computer anymore. He told me i had been brainwashed, to think like this.
i believed him.
But...damn if i wasn't compelled....a year later...to look back online again. Just once in awhile. From work only. i found i could get attention - empty attention but attention. It always hurt later. i was lied to a lot. i was rejected a lot. i met someone real time though. i hid it from my husband though. i met this guy, he was handsome and sexy and dominant. He liked to toy with me. we never did have sex. He thought it was fun to say i didn't deserve to see him. He liked to tell me how bad a submissive i was, and that i couldn't please anybody. After four months of him confirming everything my husband, and even my parents, ever taught me, i realized how little value i really had. i slinked away from that Dom because i couldn't take any more emotional beatings.
i hung out in a chat room with friends. i wasn't going to even talk to another man ever again. i didn't need any more confirmation of how bad i was. But someone IM'd me, out of the blue, and in my cynical state, i was pretty snide in my replies. But....he captivated me.
i since learned my worth as a person, a woman, a slave. i left my husband, who still does not understand why. i found myself again, and found my strength. i learned that what i have needed was to submit, yes, but that submission - when in capable hands - brings so much back in return. Through submitting the "right way" (and by this i mean not in an abusive environment), i found myself...my strength...my courage...my value. There is such freedom in the boundaries set for me. All those walls, developed over the years, began to crumble, and reveal the core that is me.
i was able to face my abuse with him. A belt is only evil in the wrong hands. A slap in the face only hurts when intended to hurt. And so on. i found myself looking and begging for the next demon to take on, until i faced all of them, cleansing myself of the pains i was carrying.
So there it is. And here i was just going to come to these boards to observe and not get involved.
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