RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission

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Driver1961 -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 7:15:15 AM)
He enters, dips His lid to all these truly Precious Reflective (healing/healed) Ones here.... Well Jali, you've done it again for me. I'm always busy but in time will meet up with both of you, D to D, n' s to s. (Sydney to Melb) Lots of relevant deepness and laughs at our learnings. My Wild will post here when time permits to example why our connection is so healthy and joyous relevant to your learning. Till then another acknowledgement to yourself and the other Precious Ones here. It must truly be wonderful to walk freely in paper chains rather than lug in ball n' chain. Warm regards Paul. Sir to Angel and Wild.

RiotGirl -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 8:44:52 AM)
i suppose i'll add mine in. It'll be the first time i've ever done a whole tale and not just bits and pieces thrown out here and there. i dont remember like all the details thoug and i think its cos when i was between 10 and 14 i taught myself how to forget. i learned about fear at 3 and abuse at 4. My parents had a disatrous divorce. My earliest memories of are fear and saddness. My mother screaming through a car window if i went with my father i'd never see her again, sitting on the stairs late at night hugging my brother while i parents had an all out war in the kitchen. My mother taking off and late at night crying wanting to know where she was. i learned about abuse in an odd way. i was 4 turning 5 and we were in cali and i suppose my mother told me my father used to "tickle" me when he changed me. Some reason i knew it was wrong and God only knows why but i asked her boyfriend to do it. Wierded him out. But why didnt my mother ever stop my father? One of my age old questions. Some one started fooling around with me at 6 i think it was. By 11 i almost lost my virginity to a family member. i think the fact that my hysterical crying wouldnt shut up and it just wouldnt fit saved me. i grew up visiting my Dad in Va (lived in cali with my mom) and watching my father throw my brother around rooms. i remember hysterically running from the room screaming i was going to call social services, but realising once i got to the phone i didnt know how to do it, so i hid and cried for my brother instead. One my side of the world, in Cali i had a step father that fought for control with me. i lived in fear of him. He was big, tall and hated me. Though he never laid a hand on me and i dont think he ever touched me sexually he was well, mean. i lived in constant worry of him not being happy and strived to make him happy. Though it never happened. Cant say that i know much what it was like anymore, one of those things i blocked out. But i hung myself when i was 10 and by 12 planned out his murder. By 14 my mother divorced him. So i was finally free of him. Lot of things happened and i went south so to speak. Heh. Lost my virginity to rape or force. Wasnt violent. i just couldnt scoot away any further. i remember THAT very well, tho its taken some years. When i was 15 i was on drugs and living in Hong kong. Wasnt all that street smart no matter how much i thought i was. i got played and got used. i'm told its called being "molested" but well i call it being played. i got played. i got played hard. i had a group of friends, who were older, and they all seemed to "know" i remember him taking me to their aptments and i'd just want to melt into the floor. i eventually realised i was being played and got free. But by the time i was 16 i was a junkie. Fast forward to 18. Doing well, but coming out of a depression. Met a guy who seemed to have my best intentions at heart. He was older, 34 and well really seemed to just know. And i dunno how it started, but it did. Nor do i really want to know. i just know i was really taught fear. i remember sitting next to him once and actually smelling it on myself. He had such a hold on me and sometimes still does. i could never understand. He knew where i was 24/7 - if i wasnt by his side. i know i didnt smile or laugh and i walked on egg shells. i know he'd go off usually for no apparent reason. i know his friends were afraid of him and i know they hated himi. i know the person that introduced me to him told me its the worst thing he's ever done and the dweeb actually apologized to me. i know it was emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. And i know i almost lost my soul along the way. i adapted and well grew in it. i remember wondering about this odd love hate relationship we had. i think he was trying to destroy me just for the laugh of it. He'd do things that would delibaretly hurt me emotionally and sit there and laugh as i struggled not to show the pain. i got out in abit of an odd way. i looked into a mirror at some ones house.. dunno whose it was.. and saw my soul and i knew that this life wasnt for me.. it wasnt me. That it was destroying me. But i couldnt get out. i tried for 6 months to escape. He just wouldnt let go of me and i know it sounds like BS, but its not. i managed to disapear for a weekend and he called my mother.... told her some terrible things that freaked her out. It was the punishment. i used to hide in the house. Knowing i couldnt answer the phone or the door or even get on the computer. Cos he'd find me. and he would talk. He'd make it all in my head. "its YOUR fucked up thinking kelly" "see whats wrong with you" i couldnt escape nor could i stay. So i took the only other option. Death. God intervined, i ended up in ICU for awhile and then i moved. Moved to where he couldnt find me. Couldnt reach me. Then i immediately slammed a door shut and pretended it never happened LOL. And went on with life. (making sure to stay a good arms distance away) i keep track of him, to this day. i need to know where he is. i need to know he is not near me. (He's in NY right now) LOL i actually found BDSM when i was 17. But after that relationship.. well it tooks years for me to be able to reconcile the differences. My friends that knew me then, tell me its all the same. bdsm and then. i shrug at them. Its not the same. Tho i notice because of that relationship it throws up these "issues" in my current M/s relationship. Sometimes i see similarities and it freaks me out. Because it is similiar one some levels. the control. the lack of freedom. Meeting Master, dunno, has helped in so many ways. Finally i could open up with a person and not be in fear. To know that i could have a strong dominant man that wont all of a sudden lose control and go ape shit on me trying to kill me. Yeah thats nice. LOL Being one to like to play with fire, i used to push Master with all my might TO lose control. Just to see if he would. Never did. Its good to know that yeah i can be loved, despite everything. That i'm not as terrible as i've been told, that i can have that strong Dominant man with out being harmed. With out living in fear. And that no matter how toughi try to be, that i can still count on a hug. i think thats one of the most beautiful things about my relationship is i can let my gaurd down and KNOW that the inner most parts of me, the soft parts that i hid with all my strength from everyone will be loved and cherished not. that i can actually be myself and not hide me anymore. And its an amazing thing learning who i actually am.

redheadedfire4u -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 9:34:14 AM)
A difficult thread but one I can relate to and am still relating too. I have spent most of my life being abused in one form or another or attempting to recover from it. A step father who was way too fond of a little girl he called his princess, who then beat and horribly mistreated her from 6-16 because she was sexually abused and tortured at 6yrs old and someone had tainted her and she could no longer be his princess. I can relate to the post that said that the way parents handle such things can be more damaging than the act. A mother who simply could not deal with it and there-fore ignored it and the man I thought of as my father physically and emotionally abused me. Through all of these years he mercilessly beat my mother and my brothers as well, but never in quite the same way as me, with me he smiled now and then while he did it. So the little girl shut down, the princess replaced by the tomboy, the tomboy could stand between him and my brothers, the tomboy could protect others even if I could not protect myselfl. I learnt to accept in silence, no matter the pain, physical or mental, rarely would I make a sound. In someways this was rebellion, the only power that I had, and when it was in protection of my little brothers or it took agro away from my mother, I could take it and feel in some way useful, a feeling I rarely had. All memory of life till 6yrs old was buried and hidden to come back piece by piece in nightmares and haunt me from 30-40yrs of age, those final last memories of that time are a raw 4 mths old but now I remember all. My inner child and I finally walk in the light together. At 13yrs of age I came home from a country dance, distraught and damaged because of a rape, only to be beaten and abused because somehow I asked for it. To not have it reported or any justice because of the shame and guilt that was heaped on me by those who were suppose to love and protect me. I think this was the point where I actually gave up any thoughts of self worth, it is at this point I accepted that this was my lot in life. So why did I end up as an adult in a relationship of physical and emotional abuse from the age of 18-22yrs. Why did I stay with a man who took everything from me, even my name? Who hospitalized me repeatedly? Quite simply I deserved what he gave me, I was lucky that he put up with me? I was stupid and if he did not take control and look after me I would perish? I believed I was completely worthless and useless ... and the damage he did to me physically and mentally would haunt me for 20 yrs. Though I have a child now it almost killed me and I could never have another, the damage was so extreme that I was told when I left him that it was not possible for me to ever conceive let alone have children, I am thankful for the miracle of my daughter. I came to Perth at 22yrs of age an angry, mentally unstable nightmare. I look back on those yrs and to protect myself I became as bad as the ones who had hurt me ... I shudder to think of the woman I was. I went from relationship to relationship, never allowing anyone to love me, and never allowing myself to love. I pushed anyone away who got to close, and not always in a nice way. I was a stripper, a worker, a drug user, an out of control wild thing that reeked havoc where ever I went, there is no room to go into the novel that would be needed to cover the depth of abuse that happened in this period. Enough to say I carried a sign that said victim and to a large degree I participated in my own undoing. Having my daughter changed my life, yet my inability to accept myself, to love or be loved remained, the only exception being my daughter. My relationships even up to my last one that ended a year ago were unhealthy, and demeaning of nature and still abusive in some way. Having a breakdown at 33yrs of age made me get help and start to sort out my life. It took 10 yrs to get to a place where I was even remotely healthy and it is still a work in progress today. So how has finding BDSM helped me? I am not alone for starters. For the first time in my life I have a sense of belonging. Has the submissive in myself made it easier to become a victim, or has my life been the driving force to the submissiveness within me, chicken or the egg which came first? I think a combination of both. The song that says she looked for love in all the wrong places, add to that, she looked for love and strength in all the wrong places lol. Through BDSM I have come to view strength in a man/woman differently. I not only see a healthy strength that allows someone to be Dominant without abuse, but also have come to know the strength of submission, that it is not weak to be feminine, vulnerable or soft. That if I tap the strength within, I can be all that I have hidden for so long and not be a victim. I have learnt in such a short time that through communication and trust, not only in Him but in myself, I can accept myself and in this way I can love and be loved. Through trust communication and mutual respect I have been able to face demons and memories of the past that I would never have thought possible. To be able to explore my sexuality, kink and all, and not feel like a freak, now there is a bonus to self esteem. To be upfront and honest with the world and myself about my need to care for and please someone is so empowering. To be accepted for all of this and yet still valued and thought of as important, that is the stuff of my dreams. I have found so much healing within L/s, but am eternally grateful for meeting Sir as His patience, understanding and care has made it all possible and made the journey so much shorter. To see His pleasure and pride as I grow stronger and healthier than I have ever been, and to be able to return to Him the love and care that He gives so generously to His girl is an amazing feeling. To finally find the woman within that I have kept hidden for so long, to feel strong in myself, much of this I have gained through L/s and it is where I will spend the rest of my life and I hope that it will also be at His feet, happy and smiling as I am now. This was difficult and emotional to write, but there is healing in the telling and I hope that others will gain strength from reading it, for it is possible to overcome and heal from the greatest of odds, you need only find the path that is right for you. For me L/s has been the path but it may not be for others. I would also like to add that there is no shame in admitting that your strength is not enough, the ability to reach out for help is not weakness but strength, and it is a solid step towards healing. Those that care for you want to be there, you are not a burden to those who love you. Warm smiles from the redhead

RiotGirl -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 9:48:52 AM)
i just want to ditto what everyone else has said about those that shared their stories. And i want to add, to the red head, your message is awesome and i hope everyone takes it to heart.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 10:17:25 AM)
i wholly agree with what red said: I would also like to add that there is no shame in admitting that your strength is not enough, the ability to reach out for help is not weakness but strength, and it is a solid step towards healing. Those that care for you want to be there, you are not a burden to those who love you. i only hope lessons can be learned from these stories and insights. Particularly by those with the black and white views of what is right or wrong. When a relationship is bad, why don't we get out? Because, sometimes, we simply can't yet. Can everyone have a pristine marriage of purety and honesty? No, not everyone, not always. We are all simply people, getting through life the best we can, with various pains and baggage. Everyone needs help at some point. Compassion goes a long way. Thanks to the bravery of those who posted. Thanks to those who, with compassion and strength, have helped others out of abuse, and onto a better path. Thanks to jali, who created this thread. Thanks to the rest...who listened.

RiotGirl -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 11:33:25 AM)
quote: We are all simply people, getting through life the best we can, with various pains and baggage. Everyone needs help at some point. Compassion goes a long way. Thanks to the bravery of those who posted. Thanks to those who, with compassion and strength, have helped others out of abuse, and onto a better path. Thanks to jali, who created this thread. Thanks to the rest...who listened. well said

mons -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 11:35:50 AM)
beequeen greeting i too have look into myself many many times as to why i am the way i am i find that how someone who loves life and people i am one the the kindess woman many have told me so, i am look at in my neighbhorhood as one who anyone can come to and have money or clothes dolls i am a collector of dolls and a stamp collector, but everyone knows me as the barbei lady i have when i can given many childern toys who parents could not afford to give them anything. they thank with dishes of food buys my small things bu to me they are large as anything can get. but i wonder why i am able to beat and tie and be mean not mean but controling when something i said needed to be done and if it were not, i turn into someone who control the very thoughts they think what they need, without me they do not have it. i struggle with how i am too but i can not help what i feel the power the strenght i feel and it feels great to know i have this over yes any man i choose, i ask for nothing like things to wear jewel but their submissvion, their willingness to say I AM YOUR MY SLAVE if i get the wrong asnwer i tell them there are too many of you out there to fool with just one. i feel bad inside but this is me it is hard to think that i am this way,but also it is great to feel it so great i love it. my twin is so different from me she says i am mean i told her you have no ideal what mean is so many are treat worse then i could ever treat anyone of my slaves i too was abuse but it does have some to do with my ways but it is just to make myself safe not to reapy someone for abuse. this has been in me since i was a small child but i did not know what it meant. it is usually but i find 3 of the woman in my family are dominant and we each did not know about one another. i am happy now it took me some time to get use to me as i am now i learn how to think through many things and what i wanted from some but i find this to be the best place to come and really say what i think and have some really care and reply and this is great. do i like the domme i have become, yes i have and do i am stronger and more open aand not to shy yes i am shy as they come thank you for letting me speak mons

slaveladyj -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 12:03:21 PM)
I think what we have here is a group of some very strong women, to have survived what many of us survived, and still care for others. To be able, even with the abuse we have suffered in the past, have enough strength of mind and love to give ourselves wholly to another. A situation most would say invite abuse, but we know better, don't we ladies. I may willing submit my body and mind to a dom, but I'll never submit to someone who is abusive, just because they can abuse me, again.

SimplyV -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 12:04:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u Through BDSM I have come to view strength in a man/woman differently. I not only see a healthy strength that allows someone to be Dominant without abuse, but also have come to know the strength of submission, that it is not weak to be feminine, vulnerable or soft. That if I tap the strength within, I can be all that I have hidden for so long and not be a victim. I have learnt in such a short time that through communication and trust, not only in Him but in myself, I can accept myself and in this way I can love and be loved. Through trust communication and mutual respect I have been able to face demons and memories of the past that I would never have thought possible. How true are your words. I'd refrained from telling my own story, as really .. compared to others out there.. my life has been abuse free. It wasn't until I read your statement "it is not weak to be feminine" that I realized that no matter how "insignificant" I think the abuse done to me is in the light of others abuse, it did have a huge effect on me. I do not remember a lot of it. Which I think is fortunate. Should I suddenly start remembering details, I think I'd have more issues. I and my sisters were sexually molested by my father. I completely blocked it out, until I was 13 and my second oldest sister went to college. She told me her story as if warning me about Dad so I could avoid what had befalled her. She thought (hoped actually) she was the only one he abused. She had thought she was the only one and said she purposely did things to make certain the rest of us weren't left alone with Dad. When she told me, I didn't believe her. So locked where my memories. The next few years, I started to remember things. Situations, dreams, feelings that I had had but didn't make sense to me. I don't know when Dad stopped doing it, or what happened. But he never touched me past age 13 I know for certain. But the scars are still there. One memory was my father coming into my next older sister and my room. I was about 5 ish, she was 9? I knew he wasn't supposed to be in the room. He was standing up next to the bunk beds doing something and talking softly with my sister on the top bunk. I remember trying to pretend I was asleep. Hoping he wouldn't notice I was awake. I was keeping an eye partly open to see where he was and making sure he wasn't coming near me. I think I failed to be convincingly asleep, because he started leaning down and looking at me. He was reaching out to me and things get foggy. The entire memory is one of paralyzing fear, racing heartbeat. Then my mothers voice rings out loud, asking where my father is in a very mean tone. He leaves. As I grew up, I didn't really have a good understanding of anything. Socially, I was screwed. My parents were controlling, so that I basically only got out for school events. In HS, to get as much freedom as possible, I joined everything possible. As a child, I played alone a lot. I was the baby of the family. 4-6 yrs younger than my other siblings, I couldn't do the things they wanted to do, so I got left behind. Kids from school ostracized me (probably because I didn't have much social skills and couldnt hang out outside of school anyway, and I had a weight problem). As if home abuse wasn't enough, when I was in Junior high, one of the boys in my class (small school, class of 16 people btw) decided to make me his daily punching bag. He would do this in History class as the teacher was always late to class. In class, with all my classmates (except the girl sitting next to me, she tried helping me once and got hit herself).. with all my classmates watching and cheering him on, he kicked and hit me. This went on all year that year. I told my mother about it, and she didn't believe me. I never took it any further. From the time I was born til age 18 when I left for college. Every part of me believed that others would not care about me. I was unworthy of love. Did I know this at the time? Naw.. but looking back, I know it now. I also had an overwhelming sense that I was ugly. When I was 19, I was dating this older man who was much more experienced sexually than I. (I hadn't done anything but kiss a guy or snuggle really) He lived in my hometown so one summer night when I was living at home for the summer, I lied to my parents and snuck out to be with him. He and I had agreed that I was just spending the night.. I thought just a cuddle.. get to know each other thing. When I arrived, he wanted sex. I said no. He pressured me into oral sex. I didn't want to. He said "I"ll do it to you, and you can see how harmless it is".. I relented but I told him I didn't want to do it to him. So he went down on me. When he was done, he demanded I blow him. I didn't want to, and I was little scared as he threatened to take me home which would have meant trying to explain to my parents where I was and why HE was bringing me home. So I said I'd try it. I started but he kept pushing it further down choking me and a hair got caught in my throat and I was gagging on it. I started to pull my mouth off, I wanted to get that hair out. He grabbed my hair and forced himself in my mouth. I was so shocked I probably just sat there. I know I was screaming inside and fighting it inside, but I don't know if I managed to make my body move. When he was done an came in my mouth, I gagged on the hair still and the cum. He laughed at me. I ran to the kitchen sink to puke. It took me nearly an hour to get that hair out. He could have cared less. He looked at me like trash. In the morning, I had to beg him for a ride to the otherside of town to my parents house. I walked in and went straight to bed. College was overwhelming for me. So many people, people who liked me. Freaked me out. I had been disliked for years by nearly everyone in my home town, and now people suddenly liked me? People thought I was beautiful? I went on a whirlwind emotionally. I just couldn't handle it. I started eating. I mean eating. I gained about 30 lbs that first year. I was terrified of being too pretty, looking too attractive. It scared me. I didn't want to be raped, and I thought if I was pretty that I would be. I felt more confident the more unattractive my body got. All these thoughts, and yet I would beat myself up for being fat, ugly, etc. I tried to buy sexy clothes, but they never looked right on me. I tried losing weight, and after losing a few pounds. I'd hear just one "You're looking sexy" and I'd binge eat. Took me several years to clue into why I had/have a weight problem. I also had a problem with looking girlie. Womanly.. wasnt a problem. Sophisticated, grown up sexy.. wasn't a problem. Lacey, ruffly, pink, or hearty things were a problem. They were weak things. I even made fun of girls with stuffed animals, pink decor, hearts on anything. I hated hearts (still kinda do a bit actually). I found anything pink or girlie as a sign of weakness/victim. I hated anyone who liked these things openly. As the years progressed, and I got more desperate to find someone to love me. I wasn't open to loving people back btw, I just wanted love. I gave up on no sex before marriage, did battle with my religion, and slept with a guy. He was domineering. I was just then starting to accept my submissive side and thought.. Oo he's powerful. We didn't last long. He was a complete momma's boy and rather a child himself. My image of him as 'powerful' crashed and I was no longer interested. Having had my cherry popped.. lol.. I went on a sex binge. I slept around for love. Even if it lasted just one night.. a few hours of feeling loved would keep me going. But it also began to take away bits of me piece by piece. I learned about BDSM and experimented some with it, but couldn't find a fit. I eventually gave up. I wasn't very healthy inside. When I met my husband, I was in pieces. He was nice, stable, made a good income and loved me. So I married him. Multitude of problems, lack of communication, and a large unwillingness to communicate on his part... He's a good guy, but showing love isnt his strong suit. Nor was it mine. I then found my now ex-Master. I was still in pieces from my past. In more pieces from my failing marriage. I was on a one woman kamakazi mission. We met online one night after I'd had a fight with my emotionally/mentally abusive boyfriend who I loved because he controlled me. My Master was online looking for a one night fling actually. He was married unhappily with kids.. and well.. anyway.. We hit it off. What started as this one night, two miserable people messing around on the internet.. started a journey that I will never forget. We would talk daily for hours online.. In a week, we were in love and I wore his "collar".. We did everything wrong according to how to do things, but everything right for us. I found myself through him. I couldn't believe he loved me, and he convinced me.. not only did he love me.. but that I was worthy of love. I deserved to be loved. I worked through a lot of my demons with him gently lovingly guiding me. I started to heal. The one day that really sold it to me that I was healing and how deep my wounds had been.. was the day I saw baby pink socks and HAD to have them. I feel in love with them. I used to hate pink, now it is one of my favorites. No longer is it a sign of weakness, but of the girl/woman that I am. There is nothing wrong with being feminine. When he left, it ripped a huge hole in my heart. And even a year later, I still love him. I probably always will. He taught me what love really was. It is a lesson I will not ever forget. quote: ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u This was difficult and emotional to write, but there is healing in the telling and I hope that others will gain strength from reading it, for it is possible to overcome and heal from the greatest of odds, you need only find the path that is right for you. For me L/s has been the path but it may not be for others. I would also like to add that there is no shame in admitting that your strength is not enough, the ability to reach out for help is not weakness but strength, and it is a solid step towards healing. Those that care for you want to be there, you are not a burden to those who love you. Exactly.. Ditto.. sighs I can't believe how much I just cried while typing all that out. I need to rehydrate. V

redheadedfire4u -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 3:18:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV How true are your words. I'd refrained from telling my own story, as really .. compared to others out there.. my life has been abuse free. It wasn't until I read your statement "it is not weak to be feminine" that I realized that no matter how "insignificant" I think the abuse done to me is in the light of others abuse, it did have a huge effect on me. First I would like to say that "abuse is abuse" ... just because something may be perceived as worse or more painful than what you have suffered does not in anyway diminish your personal pain ... we all have different tolerances built up from different life's experiences and to each of us, pain is experienced personally and individually and should be respected for what it is someone's pain, someone's healing and someone's story ... just as important to them as yours is to you. Secondly I came back to this thread to pull my post, full of self doubt and feelings of insecurity ... "no one wants to hear the tale of my life ... what on earth was I thinking" My little demons telling me my words were worthless, my opinions valueless, and my thoughts like myself should be hidden from the light of day ... so more proof that the healing is still in progress and still has a way to go. Thx to those who posted such kind words, now that I have finished crying, thx for the boost and your participation in my healing. Warm smiles to all (with lots of appreciation and a few hugs as well)

redheadedfire4u -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 3:21:53 PM)
quote: sighs I can't believe how much I just cried while typing all that out. I need to rehydrate. Question SimplyV, can we rehydrate with Vodka or would a nice white wine be more appropriate? (no mention of rehydrating with Southern Comfort, the mere thought might send Sir flying over here with cane in hand lol) <On her knees smiling sweetly at Sir> warm smiles from the redhead

thetammyjo -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 3:48:14 PM)
Well, I don't know how much value my story will add since I'm not submissive or in the bottom role at all. My mother was psychologically and emotional abusive since I was born -- it had a very religious taint to it and is one of the reasons I dislike fundamentalists and organized religion. I was much younger than my siblings, the last of they graduated from high school when I was two or three. Her boyfriend tickled me one evening then manually raped me adding that my sister liked that and didn't I want to be like her. The next time he and his brother assaulted me in their mother's house and I fell down a staircase -- it took 22 years to be able to use stairs without fear knotting my stomach. I told my mom who just forbid him from being alone with me or from my sister having him over when she babysat me -- he just had the sister move out and in with him. (This is the guy who beat her then told it was "just a bit of SM baby" that I've mentioned before). They were there that Christmas and he sneaked into my room and raped me. I split off my first personality that day. (Yes, this is my mental issue I've mentioned before too -- I have what was once called Multiple Personality Disorder. Something I consider very healthy considering the other alternatives some women and men in my family have taken -- suicide, becoming abusers, sex addicts, self-mulitation) I witnessed a male cousin assault and rape his sister a number of times. Again, told my mom who just removed me from the situation. That male cousin went on to be arrested two for pedophila and his sister whom he continued to abuse continued to be a victim until she started victimizing her kids and left them finally. When I was six a babysitter's boyfriend and her got high and raped me. I didn't tell my mom, what was the point huh? I just hid my bloodied underpants, negotiated a lock on my door and split again. I learned to take care of myself cause no one else was going to were they? I took self defense classes and developed not only more alts but also a nice eating disorder. I thought I was pretty tough but my sophomore year of college a man tried to rape me -- I used my brain and my skills and got away and reported him to the police. I started a rape survivor support group on campus and helped start the annual sexual assault awareness week each year. Yet when I went to Rome for a year three more men touched me on the public bus system -- complicated story but my Italian girlfriends told me to start carrying a book around in my bag and hit these guys (apparently it happened to them too). That was in 1991. Since then no more sexual assaults. I tend to draw in folks who are also survivors, the "wounded puppies". I tend to find myself in the savior role cause I had to learn to take care of myself. But that's not necessarily healthy for me so I've developed rules about who I'll train, play with and own. And yes, Fox is one of these. He isn't quite strong enough yet to deal with what happened when he was very young though something did cause he too has MPD. (both of us have very very functional lives and if we didn't tell you, you'd never know) He is also aware of one other event. When he was 15 he was gang raped in the boys bathroom and they used a knife -- thus his trusting me and my knife play was a huge moment in our relationship. Not that anyone will remember any of this but its from this place that my own moral and ethic code for doing BDSM stem strongly from.

SimplyV -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 4:29:12 PM)
Oh don't you dare pull your post. Oh and yes.. Lets have one.. pulls out her tripledistilled vanilla vodka and a pitcher of OJ pours herself and Red one Bottoms up [:D]

slavejali -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 4:38:28 PM)
Thankyou so much for everyone contributing to this thread, I think its really valuable and I'm sure everyone is appreciating it as much as me.

SimplyV -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 4:45:11 PM)
I don't think this topic is just for submissives. I think its for everyone who has been through abuse and found what they really needed or a home in BDSM. I'm glad you voiced your story and that you've found a healthy home with people who love you safely. quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo I tend to draw in folks who are also survivors, the "wounded puppies". I do this too.. Always have.. Even when I was young in my small town and people (even those that hated me btw) needed a shoulder to cry on.. I was always there. Something about seeing people go through something that I can relate to.. just tears my heart and I have to lend a hand. I've also had to moderate it a bit.. or I will get sucked in and it will take over my whole life. I could spend all day every day drying other peoples tears and never notice my own, and think I'm perfectly happy. That is until I wake up months later realizing just how much time and kleenex I've wasted. Everything in moderation. I can give people a shoulder but its they have to be responsible enough to want to heal themselves.

redheadedfire4u -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 4:46:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV Oh don't you dare pull your post. Oh and yes.. Lets have one.. pulls out her tripledistilled vanilla vodka and a pitcher of OJ pours herself and Red one Bottoms up [:D] hmmm yum ... on my way with my bitter lemon never been much of an OJ fan lol quickly makes a nice platter of cheese and one of fruit to nibble on while getting sozzled lol Sir likes me to eat when I drink <smiles> warm smiles to all

SimplyV -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 4:50:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV Oh don't you dare pull your post. Oh and yes.. Lets have one.. pulls out her tripledistilled vanilla vodka and a pitcher of OJ pours herself and Red one Bottoms up [:D] hmmm yum ... on my way with my bitter lemon never been much of an OJ fan lol quickly makes a nice platter of cheese and one of fruit to nibble on while getting sozzled lol Sir likes me to eat when I drink <smiles> warm smiles to all laughs and here I was trying to "girl" it up with something.. I'm not that big on OJ either. throws the drink out and remixes plain vodka with a touch of seltzer with a squeeze of lemon juice grabs some of Red's fruit Yum.. good idea..

thetammyjo -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 7:20:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV I don't think this topic is just for submissives. I think its for everyone who has been through abuse and found what they really needed or a home in BDSM. I'm glad you voiced your story and that you've found a healthy home with people who love you safely. quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo I tend to draw in folks who are also survivors, the "wounded puppies". I do this too.. Always have.. Even when I was young in my small town and people (even those that hated me btw) needed a shoulder to cry on.. I was always there. Something about seeing people go through something that I can relate to.. just tears my heart and I have to lend a hand. I've also had to moderate it a bit.. or I will get sucked in and it will take over my whole life. I could spend all day every day drying other peoples tears and never notice my own, and think I'm perfectly happy. That is until I wake up months later realizing just how much time and kleenex I've wasted. Everything in moderation. I can give people a shoulder but its they have to be responsible enough to want to heal themselves. This is one reason why I had to stop group therapy. I'd spend all my time and energy on the others and ignore myself. I mean, part of it was hiding from my own stuff -- recovery is damned difficult and damned painful and it takes so much time. Part of it was feeling like I'm strong, I'm stronger, so I don't need this as much as the others, my job here is to protect others cause I know I can survive. A few weeks ago I had to update my profile to say that I wasn't looking cause Fox needed me. Well, one of the things I'll be saying in our next family therapy is that he needs to go get more individual help to deal with his family and past stuff cause I have to put up my red limit sign now. Its going to be hard cause I've had him for over 6 years but he has got to restart his own therapy or self-help or whatever because it is causing problems with his service and with his attitude. It will start to change or he will leave. That was probably one of the hardest things I've ever written.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 7:55:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u Secondly I came back to this thread to pull my post, i had come back to pull my post too, and the words that others had posted in reply made me change my mind. i am glad you shared your story. Our stories are ones of strength and survival and acceptance. i for one, am glad we are on the healing side of them. Funny, i just remembered the very first part of the very first conversation my Master had with me. In my chat profile, i said i was figuring out which side of the line to stand on. Master asked me "what line?" i said "The line that differentiates dominance from abuse." Looks like we discovered it. [:)]

redheadedfire4u -> RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission (3/2/2006 8:24:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV quote: ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyV Oh don't you dare pull your post. Oh and yes.. Lets have one.. pulls out her tripledistilled vanilla vodka and a pitcher of OJ pours herself and Red one Bottoms up [:D] hmmm yum ... on my way with my bitter lemon never been much of an OJ fan lol quickly makes a nice platter of cheese and one of fruit to nibble on while getting sozzled lol Sir likes me to eat when I drink <smiles> warm smiles to all laughs and here I was trying to "girl" it up with something.. I'm not that big on OJ either. throws the drink out and remixes plain vodka with a touch of seltzer with a squeeze of lemon juice grabs some of Red's fruit Yum.. good idea.. Hey V, I think we should share the vodka and nibbles with ownedgirlie warm smiles to all

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