TheFamily
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Joined: 3/4/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
Why does a dominant man demand total submission and then lose interest when the woman finally trusts him enough to give it?
This is natural behaviour; complex - but predictable. Without the aid of a safety-net, and using only text as a medium, it is difficult and boring to explain, but heres a metaphore that will help understand some of the feelings involved:
One colleague of mine had always aspired to being a director. He worked his whole life like a slave. About a year ago he finally made it.
Another colleague had always wanted a Ferrari. Since being a boy he had had posters of them on his wall. Again, last year, he got what he'd always dreamed of.
Now I work with two of the most miserable people you could imagine.
Neither had seen life after their greatest aspiration because they had had these goals since they were kids. They didn't even realise that their goals were achievable. They just blindly poured their whole effort into getting there.
Suddenly, they had reached the end of their lives. Nothing left to aspire to, to dream of, to work for, no drive and a huge "change of stress".
At different levels, control-based relationships suffer the same emotions.
Additionally, BDSM relationships are about power exchange. Dominants don't tend to like door-mat slaves: If theres no power, theres nothing to exchange. Thats another "feeling" that would fly through in this scenario.
The last psycho-babble observation is that with switches: _every_ exchange you make emotionally, conversationally etc. is made in different "modes". People generally talk to each other in Adult,Parent,Child modes. If you're learning from someone they're Parent, you're Child. If you're messing around, you're both in Child. If you're working together on the level, you're both in Adult etc. Switch relationships have extra modes: if we just add Top and Bottom to the list, that adds a lot of combinations which are not easily modelled. Humans are basically copying machines. It is probably that you both grew up without many switch:switch relationship role-models to copy. So each interaction you have is a learning process. Its not as easy as copying behaviour you've seen on the latest soap-opera (thats how most people handle potentially dramatic moments).
Valentines Day can be a ludicrously stressful time for men! If you overhear men talking to men about it, you might get a shock. Being socially expected to perform, especially when its by "marketing forces", and being chastised if they fail is stressful.
No one said it would be easy. Forgive each other. Work at understanding each other. Laugh about it. Get over it. Thats how long term relationships get to be long-term. Don't take anything too seriously or it gets serious as fast as you let it. Offer some space in case it is a case of dealing with life after the reaching the ultimate goal. Get more positive tell each other the good things about each other when you normally wouldn't.
His not listening can be one of two things: he's copying that from something he sees as suitably dramatic (often TV) or he's copying you (have you done that to him)?
Thats going to be your biggest hurdle - keeping the communication going.
Perhaps a short break will help, or perhaps a new relationship is what happens next. Its impossible to predict through text.
I hope some of this helped some of your anxiety.
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RE: Does total submission make a master lose interest? - 
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