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Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:01:45 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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So, a thought I had, while reading through both the "Fantasies and Feeling Special" thread, and the "Too Picky???" thread.

I don't feel special. I want to feel special, desperately, but any time I ponder whether I deserve to feel special, I come up blank.

Most of the girls I'm interested in have no shortage of people interested in them. My desires are very selective and pretty mainstream, so I have a lot of competition. And you know, realistically? I'm just not that high-quality. If I were to be honest with myself, instead of pumping up my ego to look attractive, I would quickly realize that everything I have to offer one of these girls, they can probably get from someone younger, more attractive, and much higher-paid than me.

And even so, what possible right do I have to be upset about it? Plenty of people are far worse off than I am, so why am I obsessing over wanting what I know I can't have - why am I obsessing over wanting at all?

And even when I was younger, more attractive, and much higher-paid... I was one of dozens of young, attractive, high-paid men all fighting for the same prizes. Even when I turned away from the "typical" prizes of more money, prettier girls, and more prestige, even when what I wanted was contentment, or spiritual enlightenment, or just plain the ability to be okay with myself, I was acutely aware of the fact that I probably wasn't as "deserving" of it as plenty of the other people who weren't going to get it, and that ultimately, it didn't really matter whether I achieved anything or not - I was still going to be ultimately insignificant.

It's occured to be that 100% of us want to be special, but less than 1% of us actually are special. (And please, spare me the "wonderful unique snowflake BS".) So, what should the rest of us actually do? Given our psychological make-up, our need to feel "special" ourselves, how are we supposed to just step aside and let those who actually do deserve to win get to the prize, without us gumming up the process with our teeming hordes and inept attempts at puffing up to make ourselves look passable?

Post #: 1

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:14:12 AM

heartfeltsub

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i don't mean this question to sound inane, but what defines what makes one special for you? i consider myself special, i am not the smartest, though i am fairly intelligent, nor the most attractive, although i am okay, nor the wealthiest, although i am also doing okay considering the economy. Why i think i am special is that i am a unique combination of personality, strengths, weaknesses, looks, talents, etc. with a lot to give to a potential relationship. And part of what i have to give is self confidence, which from a s-type's perspective is incredibly important for a D-type to have. i guess my point is, that there has to be something you have that others don't even if it is internal and not an outward standard.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:18:31 AM

LadySweetOrSour

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I only want to be special to two people. Myself and one other. If I achieve that, I couldn't give a rats arse about the rest of the worlds opinion of me.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 3

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:21:31 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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Erm... I'm sorry. I don't think I was at all clear in my post, then. I'll try to work out a more precise way to communicate what I mean, and come back to this.

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:25:32 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

I was one of dozens of young, attractive, high-paid men all fighting for the same prizes.

the "prizes" are not all that superficial. In alot of cases, young, attractive and high-paid equates to immature, egotistical and spoiled.

Honor what you have instead of regretting what you do not.

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:30:30 AM

Ialdabaoth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i don't mean this question to sound inane, but what defines what makes one special for you? i consider myself special, i am not the smartest, though i am fairly intelligent, nor the most attractive, although i am okay, nor the wealthiest, although i am also doing okay considering the economy. Why i think i am special is that i am a unique combination of personality, strengths, weaknesses, looks, talents, etc. with a lot to give to a potential relationship. And part of what i have to give is self confidence, which from a s-type's perspective is incredibly important for a D-type to have. i guess my point is, that there has to be something you have that others don't even if it is internal and not an outward standard.

To me, being "special" is something that you know when you see it. Put a thousand people together in a crowd, and you can pick out the "special" ones in a second or two.

Studies have shown that certain toddlers tend to be more liked, respected, and sought out by other toddlers - even before age 2. These same toddlers tend to be the children at age 6 that are the most popular, the most successful. These children tend to be the same young adults that tend to have the best success rates in the real world. Sure, there are exceptions, but the bell curve is reasonably tight.

Some people are just "special". And it's not that they're smarter; they run the full gamut when it comes to intelligence, compassion, grace, or any other attribute you might care about. They do tend to be more attractive, a bit taller, and generally healthier, though.

A "special" person is someone who, when they walk onto the subway, you can't help but notice. Everything around them sort of fades and pales. A "special" person is someone who, when they deign to make your eye contact, your whole day is brightened - and you know that they are doing you a favor. A "special" person is someone who, when they open their mouth to speak, everyone around them stops and listens without even realizing that they're doing so. "Special" people don't get interrupted. They don't get talked down to. They get what they want, and they make everyone around them feel glad to give it to them.

A "special" person is someone whom no one ever even thinks to question their confidence.

A "special" person is someone who can consistently win at games of pure chance, without cheating.

A "special" person is someone whose stories of adversity make them seem stronger and nobler for having survived them, instead of weaker and more contemptible for having been subjected to them.

Part of the problem in what I'm trying to communicate, I think, is that most people treat "special" people like they're special, without ever admitting that they're special. Our culture has trained us to bend over backwards to support the rhetoric that "everyone is special", even though we constantly treat 99% of people like shit and 1% of people like gold. And yes, each of us act as if we are special, and most of us act like one or two other people we care about idiosyncratically are special, but when you filter that out it's pretty consistent who virtually everyone treats as "special".

And coming to realize that, I've come to realize that I'm not one of those "special" people, and therefore the cultural training to treat myself as "special" is unwarranted. So I'm just trying to figure out... if I'm not anything special, and if most of what I want (especially in the lifestyle) is contingent on me being special, now what?

Alternatively, look at it this way:

I had 800 calories today, but I'm still hungry. Several hundred people in this world are starving to death. Why do I deserve to eat while they starve?

I've been single for 3 years, and I'm lonely as hell. There's children being abandoned right now. Why do I deserve love while they go neglected?

I wish people respected me more, and treated me less contemptibly. There's women being raped right now. Why do I deserve respect or consideration while they are violated?

Am I making any sense, here?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:32:37 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

A "special" person is someone who, when they open their mouth to speak, everyone around them stops and listens

E F Hutton?

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:36:32 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

A "special" person is someone who, when they open their mouth to speak, everyone around them stops and listens
E F Hutton?

... sure.

Levity aside, though, when a "special" person talks positively about themselves, they're displaying self-confidence. When a not-special person does it, they're displaying arrogance.
When a "special" person talks negatively about themselves, they're displaying humility. When a not-special person does it, they're whining.
When a "special" person tries some wacky 'romantic comedy'-type scheme, they're bold and quirky and awesome. When a not-special person does it, they're a creepy stalker.
When a "special" person plays hard to get, you go after them. When a not-special person does it, you lose interest - or forget they're there.
When a "special" person stands up to authority, they're a brave rebel. When a not-special person does it, they're just some punk who doesn't know their place.
When a "special" person follows authority, they're loyal. When a not-special person does it, they're a sycophant.

Am I making sense yet?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 8

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 1:55:03 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

A "special" person is someone who, when they walk onto the subway, you can't help but notice. Everything around them sort of fades and pales. A "special" person is someone who, when they deign to make your eye contact, your whole day is brightened - and you know that they are doing you a favor. A "special" person is someone who, when they open their mouth to speak, everyone around them stops and listens without even realizing that they're doing so. "Special" people don't get interrupted. They don't get talked down to. They get what they want, and they make everyone around them feel glad to give it to them.what you are describing is their carriage and presentation of self. This is born of confidence and belief in themselves.

A "special" person is someone whom no one ever even thinks to question their confidence. I seriously doubt this. To question is human nature. Confidence is rocked no matter who you are.

A "special" person is someone who can consistently win at games of pure chance, without cheating.Their odds are 50/50...just like yours.

A "special" person is someone whose stories of adversity make them seem stronger and nobler for having survived them, instead of weaker and more contemptible for having been subjected to them.And why is this? Because they have the balls to discuss their adversity, to admit they are human and admit their mistakes, and to laugh at themselves. They realize they are not above error, as are none of us.People do not think less of us when we admit our weaknesses and/or screw-ups. In many cases, respect is given to those who have the guts to be honest.

And coming to realize that, I've come to realize that I'm not one of those "special" people Well, hell Babe...not with THAT attitude!!

i am puzzled as to where you get the idea of "special" people and how rosy their lives are. I can bet that if you went up to one of those that you consider "special" and hand them a copy of what you have written here, they would laugh their asses off, then deny that they are in any way whom you have described.

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:01:06 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

And why is this? Because they have the balls to discuss their adversity, to admit they are human and admit their mistakes, and to laugh at themselves. They realize they are not above error, as are none of us.People do not think less of us when we admit our weaknesses and/or screw-ups. In many cases, respect is given to those who have the guts to be honest.

Well, sometimes, yes. Sometimes not so much.

And I'd argue that being "special" means that when you say something you believe to be true, people are impressed that you have the guts to be honest.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 10

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:01:43 AM

heartfeltsub

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Yes i think i am following what your thinking here and by your definition, you are correct, there are very few "special" people in the world, that is the whole reason that they are special, they have a certain charisma or spark that makes them a star or the center of attention. i agree completely with part of what you are saying, and personally i have no problem not being one of those people.

i would disagree that those people live a charmed life where everything always works out for them, because even if that is the way it looks from the outside, even "special" people like Marilyn Monroe, or JFK, or (insert name here) have trials and troubles like all of us "non-special" people.

i also don't agree, although i am not seeking to own anyone (being an s-type) and i am not seeking to be owned by some Dominant stud muffin, that having someone, owning someone (from that side) requires that one be one of the "special" people to do so. Maybe that would seem to you a compromise of what you want and not acceptable to you, but for me, i just have to be who i am and someone will find what i have to offer fits what they need and i will be special to them.

Looking at your picture and the words of your profile, you seem to be a very interesting and attractive individual with a lot going for him. And i am not trying to do the "everyone is special bs" that you mentioned earlier, however it sounds like some of the questions you are asking are coming from a place of depression and discontent in being single. i have been there and have struggled with some of the same thoughts. But that fact that i am not one of the elite few does not mean that i don't deserve to be happy or fulfilled. i can't fix the entire world, (although i can and do help some), the fact that i can't fix things for everyone does not mean that i have to live a life of doing without because i haven't earned the right to be happy because i'm not one of the chosen few.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 11

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:02:37 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
what you are describing is their carriage and presentation of self. This is born of confidence and belief in themselves.[/size]

Actually, I 100% agree with this, as far as it goes. The thing is, there's more to it than that. Two people can try to believe in themselves, and one will pull it off and the other won't. And that has less to do with their actions than it does with everyone's reactions to them. Being able to make it work is what makes you "special".

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 12

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:03:56 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

when a "special" person talks positively about themselves, they're displaying self-confidence. When a not-special person does it, they're displaying arrogance.
When a "special" person talks negatively about themselves, they're displaying humility. When a not-special person does it, they're whining.
When a "special" person tries some wacky 'romantic comedy'-type scheme, they're bold and quirky and awesome. When a not-special person does it, they're a creepy stalker.
When a "special" person plays hard to get, you go after them. When a not-special person does it, you lose interest - or forget they're there.
When a "special" person stands up to authority, they're a brave rebel. When a not-special person does it, they're just some punk who doesn't know their place.
When a "special" person follows authority, they're loyal. When a not-special person does it, they're a sycophant.

Am I making sense yet?

perhaps this is your perception, as opposed to the actual reality?

You seem to have the impression that certain people are born with the proverbial silver spoon. I agree to an extent that socioeconomic factors, environment and genetics do play a part in ones chances for success...but it is simply a part...not the whole by any means.

Did it ever occur to you that "specialness" in the product of adversity? What you see as a golden child is perhaps one who walked through hell, had the courage to keep on going, and now has the confidence that burned feet has given them.

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

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RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:04:03 AM

heartfeltsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

And why is this? Because they have the balls to discuss their adversity, to admit they are human and admit their mistakes, and to laugh at themselves. They realize they are not above error, as are none of us.People do not think less of us when we admit our weaknesses and/or screw-ups. In many cases, respect is given to those who have the guts to be honest.

Well, sometimes, yes. Sometimes not so much.

And I'd argue that being "special" means that when you say something you believe to be true, people are impressed that you have the guts to be honest.

i get that reaction to what i say all the time, but i am not one of the special people by your definition. Sometimes that reaction has more to do with the listener and less to do with the speaker.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 14

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:08:22 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
what you are describing is their carriage and presentation of self. This is born of confidence and belief in themselves.[/size]

Actually, I 100% agree with this, as far as it goes. The thing is, there's more to it than that. Two people can try to believe in themselves, and one will pull it off and the other won't. And that has less to do with their actions than it does with everyone's reactions to them. Being able to make it work is what makes you "special".

]

i couldn't disagree with that more, it is not a matter of try (man i'm going to sound like Yoda) but rather a matter of actually belief. i believe in my abilities and what i have to offer regardless of how it is received by a person i am offering it to. i am by nature an extrovert which means i pull a lot of strength from those around me. i have had to learn to pull that strength, that belief from inside of myself and not base my perceptions of who i am and what i have to offer from the reactions of others. Those who ultimately succeed in this world, usually do so after being knocked down time and again but pull themselves back up because they refuse to be beaten down because internally they KNOW that they are more than that.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 15

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:10:03 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
perhaps this is your perception, as opposed to the actual reality?

You seem to have the impression that certain people are born with the proverbial silver spoon. I agree to an extent that socioeconomic factors, environment and genetics do play a part in ones chances for success...but it is simply a part...not the whole by any means.

Did it ever occur to you that "specialness" in the product of adversity? What you see as a golden child is perhaps one who walked through hell, had the courage to keep on going, and now has the confidence that burned feet has given them.

But by the same token, what about people who aren't "special" that have gone through a similar amount of adversity?

What makes one person who was molested as a kid brave for having lived through it, and another a fucking whiner who's using it as an excuse for his failure, assuming neither of them talk about it more than the other?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 16

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:11:17 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
i couldn't disagree with that more, it is not a matter of try (man i'm going to sound like Yoda) but rather a matter of actually belief.

Ok, awesome. So how does one believe in themselves? If someone tries to believe in themselves, and fails to do so, what then?

quote:

i believe in my abilities and what i have to offer regardless of how it is received by a person i am offering it to. i am by nature an extrovert which means i pull a lot of strength from those around me. i have had to learn to pull that strength, that belief from inside of myself and not base my perceptions of who i am and what i have to offer from the reactions of others. Those who ultimately succeed in this world, usually do so after being knocked down time and again but pull themselves back up because they refuse to be beaten down because internally they KNOW that they are more than that.

And what should those who know they AREN'T more than that, do with themselves?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 17

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:13:33 AM

fadedshadow

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to make things easier and more simple for me when i'm seeking a special feeling, i just rely on my gut instinct and not worry about how others have it

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Post #: 18

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:14:18 AM

heartfeltsub

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Because i mentioned Marilyn Monroe in one of my posts, i wanted to follow up on something that crossed my mind. Most people would list her and someone like Michael Jackson in the group of "special" people, someone the world stops and takes notice of. However for all accounts of both of their lives, they were insecure and unhappy people who had to live their lifes behind a facade, lifes without successful, fulfilling and happy relationships, and they were some of the "special" people who had that certain something. i guess what i am saying is that being one of the "special" people is not a guarantee of a successful (by that i mean happy) life.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 19

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 2:14:50 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fadedshadow

to make things easier and more simple for me when i'm seeking a special feeling, i just rely on my gut instinct and not worry about how others have it

Why does your gut instinct tell you you're special? And why do you feel like your gut instinct about yourself is trustworthy?

And what do you do if your own gut instinct doesn't give you a special feeling?

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 9/24/2009 2:15:12 AM >

(in reply to fadedshadow)

Post #: 20

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