RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 4:59:05 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

OP, are you happy?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 61

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:01:11 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

maybe start by pretending you are a snowflake... light and fluffy... and unique

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 62

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:01:57 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

OP, are you happy?

Emphatically no, but I'm not sure that's relevant. And even if it were relevant, I'm in no condition to do anything about it, and am not sure philosophically/morally whether I even should.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

maybe start by pretending you are a snowflake... light and fluffy... and unique

I can't; my eyes roll back so far into my head that my ocular muscles start cramping.

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 9/24/2009 5:02:55 AM >

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 63

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:02:08 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

Unfortunately, one cannot build or change one's assumptions about the world tabula rasa. I can only accept worldviews that are reachable, one way or another, from within my current worldview. As can you...

so now what?

Do you realize you just slammed an iron curtain in front of you?

You can change things. If you want to grow instead of stagnate, change is needed. Generally the change you need to make is with the one that his holding you back. You need to kick him in his ass. He is the man in the mirror.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 64

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:05:54 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

OP, are you happy?

Emphatically no, but I'm not sure that's relevant. And even if it were relevant, I'm in no condition to do anything about it, and am not sure philosophically/morally whether I even should.

I would make it relevant. Any moral or philosophical code that attempted to deny me that, would be set aside. Step one.

Two, why are you "in no condition to do anything about it"? Are you ill?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 65

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:06:34 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

if you pretend to be something for long enough you will eventually start believing it is so.... maybe you have pretended so long that you are an unhappy unspecial miserable soul that you are now actually believing it... maybe you should start believing in something lighter and put some back into it

stop sulking, try harder, close your eyes

< Message edited by ranja -- 9/24/2009 5:08:35 AM >

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 66

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:07:38 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Unfortunately, one cannot build or change one's assumptions about the world tabula rasa.

Oh, yes one can. An assumption is only an assumption. One assumes it's this way or that way, and lo and behold, it proves out every time, doesn't it? When one expects shit, one gets shit. Well, that works in the other direction too. Expect something different.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 67

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:10:10 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Unfortunately, one cannot build or change one's assumptions about the world tabula rasa. I can only accept worldviews that are reachable, one way or another, from within my current worldview. As can you...

so now what?

Do you realize you just slammed an iron curtain in front of you?

You can change things. If you want to grow instead of stagnate, change is needed. Generally the change you need to make is with the one that his holding you back. You need to kick him in his ass. He is the man in the mirror.

That's... pretty much explicitly what I've been doing. I've been trying very, very hard for the past two decades to make as many changes as I can, because I was unsatisfied with myself. I've tried what I thought was my hardest, and discovered that I am even more deeply unsatisfied with how pathetic my ability to better myself is. So I've spent the better part of a decade trying to better my ability to better myself... and then trying to better my ability to better my ability to better myself... before realizing that it's just too much effort, and I'm too tired.

Some people just aren't as competent as others. I still have all my grandiose desires and ideations, I just no longer have any capacity to believe that they're accomplishable, or even that I deserve to accomplish them.

Yeah, I can do epic suspension bondage work. Big deal. I can do epic fetish choreography. Big deal. Yeah, I'm a kick-ass digital fetish artist. Big deal. Yeah, I do awesome fashion design. Big fucking deal. What's the goddamn point of an artist without an audience? What's the point of a choreographer without actors? What's the point of a rigger without a bottom?

And even if I got back in "the game", and had hundreds of beautiful little subs running around wanting to work with me to make Art!, and I was absolutely famous for it, so what? How does that make me more special than the 50 other people out there that could have done the same thing, but didn't get the chance? Every day of my life that I was successful, I was haunted by the question: why me and not them? And every day of my life that I've been alone and unnoticed, browsing other people's epic successes, I've been haunted by the question: why them and not me?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 68

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:11:28 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
I would make it relevant. Any moral or philosophical code that attempted to deny me that, would be set aside. Step one.

Two, why are you "in no condition to do anything about it"? Are you ill?

You could call it that. Severe dopamine/seratonin imbalance. No medical insurance or job, and no real capacity to get either at the moment.

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 69

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:13:12 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

because life is not fair and if you can't enjoy the good things you do have you will have a rotten time... best start liking having a rotten time

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 70

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:18:45 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Every day of my life that I was successful, I was haunted by the question: why me and not them? And every day of my life that I've been alone and unnoticed, browsing other people's epic successes, I've been haunted by the question: why them and not me?

There's not a competition out there. It's not this whole you or them thing. That's just some fucked up illusion in your own head. Maybe it wasn't "their" time yet, or maybe they were on the road to reaching their goals at that time. It wasn't like "God" picked you over them, or them over you. There's enough success to go around for everyone. You (generic) create it or you don't, you're not some piece of seaweed getting swept around by the tide, just accepting that your fate is at some imaginary mercy of some power other than yourself.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 71

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:20:49 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2
You (generic) create it or you don't, you're not some piece of seaweed getting swept around by the tide, just accepting that your fate is at some imaginary mercy of some power other than yourself.

Even looking at it that way doesn't change anything, though; if I create my own success, then I'm completely to blame for where I am. And given the sheer number of times I've psyched myself up to believe that, told myself "I'm gonna GO OUT AND CHANGE IT!", and then fallen right on my ass, I'm willing to accept that I'm responsible for my own success, but not that I'm any good at achieving it.

(in reply to marie2)

Profile

Post #: 72

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:21:21 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
I would make it relevant. Any moral or philosophical code that attempted to deny me that, would be set aside. Step one.

Two, why are you "in no condition to do anything about it"? Are you ill?

You could call it that. Severe dopamine/seratonin imbalance. No medical insurance or job, and no real capacity to get either at the moment.

annnnnd...another iron curtain.

The last thing i have to say before i am out of here. Get the number to your county mental health clinic, then get off your ass and call them. They will guide you as to the steps you have to take to get the help you need.

You just said you need help. It is out there and you are worth the effort.

My guess is you are going to slam the next iron curtain on this, but i hope to hell you prove me wrong.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 73

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:24:40 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
I would make it relevant. Any moral or philosophical code that attempted to deny me that, would be set aside. Step one.

Two, why are you "in no condition to do anything about it"? Are you ill?

You could call it that. Severe dopamine/seratonin imbalance. No medical insurance or job, and no real capacity to get either at the moment.

annnnnd...another iron curtain.

The last thing i have to say before i am out of here. Get the number to your county mental health clinic, then get off your ass and call them. They will guide you as to the steps you have to take to get the help you need.

I already did this, 1.5 years ago, 1.2 years ago, 9 months ago, and 2 months ago.

The process stalled out each time. It's... an inordinate amount of paperwork and in-person interviews, for someone who can't afford gas and who has maybe 4 hours of functional operational capacity per day.

quote:

My guess is you are going to slam the next iron curtain on this, but i hope to hell you prove me wrong.

What else can I say? I am trying. No matter how many times I say, "it won't matter anyways", I still get up and try again. Not that it ever matters, but I AM putting everything I have into this. It just isn't enough.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 74

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:24:49 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

Even looking at it that way doesn't change anything, though; if I create my own success, then I'm completely to blame for where I am. And given the sheer number of times I've psyched myself up to believe that, told myself "I'm gonna GO OUT AND CHANGE IT!", and then fallen right on my ass,

SO???? The only failure is in not trying. So you fell on your ass You are not unique!! Were you brain dead when you failed? No, you were not. You had a thought process and were able to look at the situation and determine WHY you failed.

So...make the changes necessary and do it again.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 75

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:28:39 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Even looking at it that way doesn't change anything, though; if I create my own success, then I'm completely to blame for where I am. And given the sheer number of times I've psyched myself up to believe that, told myself "I'm gonna GO OUT AND CHANGE IT!", and then fallen right on my ass,
SO???? The only failure is in not trying. So you fell on your ass You are not unique!! Were you brain dead when you failed? No, you were not. You had a thought process and were able to look at the situation and determine WHY you failed.

So...make the changes necessary and do it again.

That's PRECISELY the problem. I'm out of changes. I have run out of things that I can see to change. I am a finite being, with finite wisdom and finite knowledge, and I am out of goddamn ideas. And more than that, I am out of steam. One can only push for so long.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 76

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:48:33 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

No matter how many times I say, "it won't matter anyways", I still get up and try again. Not that it ever matters, but I AM putting everything I have into this. It just isn't enough.

Here's the thing. You keep telling yourself it won't matter, and it turns out to be true. Do you see that pattern?? Start telling yourself it will matter. For such an intelligent person, it blows my mind that you can't see something so simple. But then, we've had this conversation before.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 77

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 5:53:05 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2
Here's the thing. You keep telling yourself it won't matter, and it turns out to be true. Do you see that pattern?? Start telling yourself it will matter. For such an intelligent person, it blows my mind that you can't see something so simple. But then, we've had this conversation before.

After awhile, one loses the capacity to tell oneself that it will matter, and believe it. I still occasionally manage to convince myself to act like it will matter, but it takes more and more effort each time it turns out to not matter. Broken neurochemistry does not help matters.

(in reply to marie2)

Profile

Post #: 78

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 6:29:00 AM

abuddingdom

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/8/2007
Status: offline

"But...."
What if ...? "
But, what if....."
"I've given up, but..."

Sirsholly uses the term "iron curtain", I call the above roadblocks. There's a good percentage of people in life who , when given opinions / advice / tools (often, & especially after seeking it) they say & repeat some variation of the above. The op seems to favor the last one , "but" wants to keep talking, wants people to keep listening , has advanced to the pont of whining & -possibly unconciously - attention seeking, & I believe is desperately hoping that a miracle is going to happen & make things better if he just keeps taking(& talking&talking&....) about it. Someone will say the magic words & everything will be all right....

I had some traumatic life events not uncommon to many around here or anywhere occur to me. Several years back I completely accidentally discovered a support group designed to help others who were dealing with the same pain. It's not a 12-step program, thats a different animal, though over time I couldn't help but see that many were addicted to their patterns of pain&sadness&disappointment&defeatism. I tentatively went to my first meeting & then went pretty regularly. I didn't want to dwell where I was, & I made my progress&moved on & found that I was even was a help to afew of the other folkswho came through the door. I'd stopped going for several months when one of the administration made contact with me & asked if I'd be interested in facilitating one of the groups. I was tentative, again, but I ended up getting the training&was vetted & I did it & I have had no regrets. I learned to read the signs & could often tell who was likely to move on & who wasn't.

You need more help than you're going to get here, op, & you're not going to get it anywhere unless you're willing to do your share of the hard work and move on.....

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 79

RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all - 9/24/2009 6:52:54 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I can identify with this. I'm no catch and I'm clear about what I'm looking for, finding it is of course another matter. The thing is, you can never rely on others to make you feel special;it has to come from you and as such, you have to do what it takes to make yourself feel special.

As for having competition, join the club lol. My advice is get out and about and get known for you and not what you write or look like-let people get to know the real you, that's where all connections start, whether platonic or romantic.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Profile

Post #: 80