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a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 6:35:41 PM

serisa

Posts: 219
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

ok, so i know opinions may vary... but if a Man has a sub and a vanilla girlfriend at the same time, which of the two is the most important to you?... or does that depend on the individual women in question?. If you had to give up one who would it be?
You may not believe in love but if you do who would you love the most?
How many believe that a experienced Dominant can ever truly replace BDSM / the D's dynamic with a Vanilla lady?

< Message edited by serisa -- 9/25/2009 6:38:11 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 6:46:49 PM

monday

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline

To me, it does depend on the people involved but if I look back at my life, the slave would count as the more important every time.
The other one is the more complex question, yet seems easier at the same time. The girlfriend would be the one I give up. I can't put a finger on why, but something inside me tells me that that is the correct answer. For me at least.

Peter.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 2

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 6:49:30 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

ok, so i know opinions may vary... but if a Man has a sub and a vanilla girlfriend at the same time, which of the two is the most important to you?... or does that depend on the individual women in question?. If you had to give up one who would it be?
You may not believe in love but if you do who would you love the most?
How many believe that a experienced Dominant can ever truly replace BDSM / the D's dynamic with a Vanilla lady?

K, I have a dog and a cat, I have a woman and a man, i have a son and a daughter.........

the short answer is what the fuck is the decision? if you are proposing it to your 'Master'........ uff da.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 3

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 6:52:27 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

OP, the only take I can get on your question is that you are the sub in question. If so, and you pressure him to give up the gf, there is a good chance that he may keep her. Even if he does keep you and ditch her, what's to stop him from getting someone else?

Why do you think he'll kick poly?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 4

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 6:57:11 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Totally depends on those involved.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 7:10:31 PM

LilMichele

Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline

I can only answer this from a submissive perspective. I'd pick me and what was right for me. If it is so troublesome that he might "pick" the "vanilla girlfriend" then what the heck am I doing in that situation? I realize that's not the question that was asked but why's it always up to Him? Sometimes it shouldn't be. I've walked this walk and looking back I feel better about the decision to leave than the time I spent trying to stay.

< Message edited by LilMichele -- 9/25/2009 7:11:14 PM >

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 6

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 7:16:52 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If he had to make a decision I would have made the decision for him long before the issue ever came up.

I would either not have ever involved myself with him in the first place or I would have walked away already.

(in reply to LilMichele)

Post #: 7

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 7:31:08 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

I like lilMichele's answer.

I damn sure could not understand the stuff Ron said.

Steven called this poly????? Since when is having a sub and cheating on her poly?

Serisa,
What if the man in question is dominant only when he wants to be (feels like it)? He doesn't really get into control or authority exchange and really is not the type of man who wants dominance? Maybe he is just kinky with fetishes. There is a difference.

I ask this cause the Dom that taught me a ton of stuff starting out; is into submitting women, but he can flip and bottom for a domme or stroll the bars for a nilla ass to fuck. He is a very good friend, and I find him charming but until he finds the love of his life, he will not change.

Why did your dom get a nilla gf? Does he know you know?
I don't need to say be respectful and dont put him on the defensive, but humbly approach him to find out answers to your questions with him.

If Sir had a nilla gf, I would tell him good bye.
But I am sure that would never happen, he is way too dominant 24/7 and honest.

I do hope you find your answers and your soul and mind find oneness and peace.

(in reply to LilMichele)

Post #: 8

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 7:42:30 PM

serisa

Posts: 219
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

its over between them and i know thats true. i am actually feeling really happy with U/us and how its all going. Just the one thing that makes me some what insecure is that she found out about me, and dumped him. It makes it hard to know who ideally he would have chosen.
thanks everyone

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 9

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 8:01:51 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

Steven called this poly????? Since when is having a sub and cheating on her poly?

serisa did not state that anything was getting concealed. I assumed that it was all in the open, and evidently was in error.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 10

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 8:21:27 PM

LilMichele

Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline

Does it matter who he would have chosen? That's pretty much a yes or no question and yes or no lead to different subjects, neither really having to do with who chose what when.

I'm sorry someone gave me a book called "the Tao of Pooh" and now I'm just all philosophical and weird about things. It will pass, I will be back to my neurotic silent self soon.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 11

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 8:49:17 PM

ncbabe

Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

Not sure how relevant this is, but I have a Dom and a vanilla boyfriend. If I had to give up one, it would be the boyfriend.

(in reply to LilMichele)

Post #: 12

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 8:51:36 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Well first, I am sorry that he is going though the having to choose dilemma- having said that:

OK, your wife and your mother are both drowning- you only have one life ring, and you can't swim- so who do you throw it to? (Assume there are no other options for lifesaving, and one of them will die)
Compose your answer in three paragraphs with supporting arguments why or why not. (Extra credit for working in "Freud" or "Nietzche")

Really, this is the sort of thing that can either be answered in abstract theory from Freshman Philosophy, or the more truthful "IT DEPENDS".

There are, I am sure, a few poly relationships where the submissive or the wife is considered truly secondary or disposable; But most aren't.
In the one poly family that I personallly know and work with, the three are considered family, as inseparable as one brother from another, or one child from another.

And based on the poly families I have read about and seen on the boards, I really doubt that there are very many where the Master has a secret contingency plan (OK, if the wife demands a choice, I will dump her and keep the sub; unless her lawyer gets the prenup kicked, in which case I will keep the wife and lie low, then later find another sub......)

If your Master is torn up over the choice, or it looks like he would have refused to make a choice, you should rejoice- I kind of wonder about a guy who could coldly jettison one or the other like a clipped fingernail.

Um, or behaved like a Nietzchean Ubermensch. With Freudian neurosis.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 13

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 9:00:28 PM

happylittlepet

Posts: 289
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMichele

Does it matter who he would have chosen? That's pretty much a yes or no question and yes or no lead to different subjects, neither really having to do with who chose what when.

Yes and no. It is important, and it's painful, he made a choice: he picked the 'other woman' over his real time partner. And now the real time partner is conflicted, because the 'other woman' also made a choice: she dumped him after she found out he had a real time partner. The Dom therefore didn't really make a choice to continue with his real time partner: that choice was made for him. The real time partner is then left with a relationship that she has to re-evaluate in it's new context.

To me it seems that the OP tries to figure out what she wants to do herself, and she is almost giving her power away to him, as she states that 'It makes it hard to know who ideally he would have chosen.' As if the real time partner and the 'other woman' are 2 equal choices. They are not. The 'other woman' made that very clear when she dumped him. Thus this man has one woman left, the OP. And it's not as if she is fortunate to still have him, instead, he is fortunate to still have her. The choice therefore is hers.

The OP states she is 'happy with how it goes .... yet insecure'. Duh, the trust is gone. The question now becomes: can that trust be regained, and at what cost to the OP. But that cost to the OP should not be 'confused' with her love/care for him. As if that cost is something she pays to him to please him. The danger is that the OP out of fear to lose him starts to either please him more, or feels that his love for her has become conditional (on another woman catching his eye).

Instead of going to her 'experienced Dom', I would suggest that the OP talks with trusted friends, and ultimately, as already has been pointed out by LilMichele, makes a decision that is good for her, regardless of the consequence for the Dom.

OP, wisdom be yours.

quote:

I'm sorry someone gave me a book called "the Tao of Pooh" and now I'm just all philosophical and weird about things. It will pass, I will be back to my neurotic silent self soon.

That is a lot of information in two sentences. May wisdom be yours too.

Edit: Animus Rex, I think you missed post 9, more insight from the OP.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 9/25/2009 9:03:32 PM >

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to LilMichele)

Post #: 14

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 9:03:46 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

quote:

lM

quote:

ORIGINAL: ncbabe

Not sure how relevant this is, but I have a Dom and a vanilla boyfriend. If I had to give up one, it would be the boyfriend.

then why are you still WITH the vanilla boyfriend? Isn't it more fair to him to let him go so he can find his own happiness?

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to ncbabe)

Post #: 15

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 9:24:04 PM

ncbabe

Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

then why are you still WITH the vanilla boyfriend? Isn't it more fair to him to let him go so he can find his own happiness?

I am under instruction not to let him go. It is not straight forward, but it suits the three of us and no one is losing out or unhappy. I just wanted to respond to the OP by saying that my loyalties lie strongest with my Dom and if I was forced to make a choice, I would choose him over my boyfriend.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 16

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/25/2009 9:38:09 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ncbabe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

then why are you still WITH the vanilla boyfriend? Isn't it more fair to him to let him go so he can find his own happiness?

I am under instruction not to let him go. It is not straight forward, but it suits the three of us and no one is losing out or unhappy. I just wanted to respond to the OP by saying that my loyalties lie strongest with my Dom and if I was forced to make a choice, I would choose him over my boyfriend.

Awesome! Thanks for clearing that up, it was kind of "wtf?" moment for me

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to ncbabe)

Post #: 17

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/26/2009 12:00:41 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Irrelevant question. I don't DO vanilla... I am not suited to it, don't see anything positive about it. I've NEVER been a 'boyfriend' and I am not about to start now.

I am in this lifestyle because this is the way My care expresses itself.c... what the fuck would I want with a 'nilla! I could never replace anything with a 'nilla We are intrinsically incompatible.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 18

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/26/2009 12:45:29 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Master's said he doesn't think he would date vanilla girls anymore.

Honestly I don't see the point of dating vanilla men anymore either. Whats the point? I'm going to have to explain the in's and out's of my relationship with NZ to any potential othermate, and that's just going to get confusing for the potential othermate.

No I think We'll stick with our kind.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 19

RE: a sub and a girlfriend - 9/26/2009 2:13:35 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

ok, so i know opinions may vary... but if a Man has a sub and a vanilla girlfriend at the same time, which of the two is the most important to you?... or does that depend on the individual women in question?. If you had to give up one who would it be?
You may not believe in love but if you do who would you love the most?
How many believe that a experienced Dominant can ever truly replace BDSM / the D's dynamic with a Vanilla lady?

This is a no brainer because if the dominant is true to the lifestyle, no matter how great the vanilla woman is, she will lose because the dominant can not survive without being what is his true nature

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 20

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