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How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 7:28:46 AM   
MarieQ


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/27/2009
Status: offline 		Hi, new here. I don't know if I plan on stickiing around, I just needed some advice. I've been with my sub for about three years now, and his daughter who is seven, has become quite attached to me. She practically never leaves my side lol. I don't mind, I think she's great, but here's the problem.
My sub and I as part of our play, do lCBT and ball busting pretty frequently. This has been going on since about a year before we actually became a couple, so for about four years. We play hard and rough.
So anyways, for a long while now, my subs daughter has been asking us, and me specifically about having a baby so she can have a little sister or brother. She wants one very badly, which I guess isnt uncommon for a child her age. Her mother and stepfather also haven't had a child, so my subs daughter is still an only child on both sides.
Just the other day she tried getting me to promise to have a baby soon lol.
But me and my sub have decided not to have children. Well actually, I decided that, he wasn't really 100 percet against the idea. But now, after thinking about it more and more, I am not completely off the idea anymore. I have begun to maybe, perhaps, just possibly consider starting a family. Having such a great relationship with his daughter has definitely startedto change my mind I think.
The real problem is, that afther four years of harsh CBT and ballbusting, I'm not even sure my sub is capable of fathering anything. I suppose we will have to get some tests done, but if it turns out he can't have children anymore, and i decide that I want to, am I ethically bound to spend the rest of my life childless? And if he really is sterile, how am I ever going to explain to my stepdaughter that she will never have a brother or sister?
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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 7:38:45 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome to consequences 101. Unfortunately, this is the stuff lost of male subs fantasies are made of, however you are learning the reason so many of us make them reevaluate those fantasies a million times over. There is a good chance after that many years of prolonged CBT that he might be infertile. You made him that way. Are you bound to spend your years childless, no, not necessarily. There are medical options for getting pregnant that do not require him to do it the old fashion way. While he might not be able to produce enough sperm at a time, there might be medical ways to cllect and condense and then do it with his, or you might need to opt for a sperm donor.

As for the little one, explaining thigns can take several different paths depending on how she was raised. Religious ways, you are waiting for God to give you a baby, He may or may not but you wont know until it happens. Less religiously, explain that you cant just decide to make a baby, without going into too much detail. There are a bunch of things that have to happen that you cant control going on inside of you, and you will try to have one but you cant promise. My mother told me it was like promising Id never get a cold. She can say it, but there are other things that make the cold that dont listen to her.

Hope that helps

DV


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 8:12:04 AM   
looking4princess


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quote:

I suppose we will have to get some tests done, but if it turns out he can't have children anymore, and i decide that I want to, am I ethically bound to spend the rest of my life childless? And if he really is sterile, how am I ever going to explain to my stepdaughter that she will never have a brother or sister?


Seems to me that if you remain in the relationship, which evidently is your intention, then the "ethical" question is really answered by a mutual decision between you two, unless your relationship is such that he is permitted no input. Otherwise, you are ethically bound to your partnership. If you both agree to have children then as the previous contributor suggested there are ways. I do not see that you have so major an obligation to explain anything to your stepdaughter, although i do not wish to be insensitive to the quriosity and desires of a seven year old. Forgive me, i don't mean to be callous here, but children are pretty flexible. It wont be too long she is a teenager and preoccupied with more imminent life issues.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 8:34:07 AM   
MarieQ


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Joined: 9/27/2009
Status: offline 		In this relationship, I definitely do make the decisions. I listen to his opinions and whatnot, but as the Domme, such a decision would ulitmately be mine to make. I was just wondering about the ehticality of it I guess.

And if by some chance, I am obligated to use a donor, would I be ethically obligated to tell my stepdaughter that her 'sister' is not biologically related to her? (i.e. not her fathers actual issue) I mean, something like that is pretty major.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 8:35:08 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
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From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		No you are not Bound to do anything, However abandoning your partner to have a child after you took that ability away from him would in my opinion make you pretty fucked up, but that is just My opinion.  An opinion that doesn't matter in this situation.

If the girls Dad is Sterile then you explain that her, Dad just can't have anymore children and how lucky you are that you get to have her. If you are religious using the "God decided we only needed one child because of how much you need to be loved" usually works. Whatever you do, don't fuck with the kid. Just tell them you won't be able to have children the natural way, and if you REALLY do want a child look into adoption.

I think the one thing you need to do is stop making yourself the center of this universe and see the other two people involved, your sub and his daughter. Your choices will effect them Heavily. Just cause his daughter did not come from your body you have the ability to love her as if she did.

Just some food for thought.

Steel

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 9:00:02 AM   
ranja


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Status: offline 		There are many men not fertile... there are fortunately still some men who donate their healthy sperm, that might be an option for you.
... do not remain childless if the obstacle is overcome-able... it is amazing to produce life from your own body

my child would like a sibling too... i say that would indeed be so nice... but not very likely... we tried and lost it... it does not always work out the way you want it to, but you can of course always wish for things while at the same time accepting things the way they are

Be honest about the origin of the seamen... i do not think it always matters for the people involved to know precisely about their origins but for a lot of people it is very important... so i think it is best to be honest from the very start, that means having no secrets or telling 'lies' or possible earth shattering discoveries will be made when DNA is tested for some reason... yep honest from the start before the little uns even properly understand how it all sits together...
mine knows we went to the doctor for seed to help us make our child.

< Message edited by ranja -- 9/27/2009 9:11:33 AM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 9:22:05 AM   
Acer49


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Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarieQ

In this relationship, I definitely do make the decisions. I listen to his opinions and whatnot, but as the Domme, such a decision would ulitmately be mine to make. I was just wondering about the ehticality of it I guess.

And if by some chance, I am obligated to use a donor, would I be ethically obligated to tell my stepdaughter that her 'sister' is not biologically related to her? (i.e. not her fathers actual issue) I mean, something like that is pretty major.


Well I suppose that depends if you are going to tell the child that he came from a test tube. I know of a child that was born this way, he did not take it real well when he learned of his origin.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 9:26:56 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarieQ

Hi, new here. I don't know if I plan on stickiing around, I just needed some advice. I've been with my sub for about three years now, and his daughter who is seven, has become quite attached to me. She practically never leaves my side lol. I don't mind, I think she's great, but here's the problem.
My sub and I as part of our play, do lCBT and ball busting pretty frequently. This has been going on since about a year before we actually became a couple, so for about four years. We play hard and rough.
So anyways, for a long while now, my subs daughter has been asking us, and me specifically about having a baby so she can have a little sister or brother. She wants one very badly, which I guess isnt uncommon for a child her age. Her mother and stepfather also haven't had a child, so my subs daughter is still an only child on both sides.
Just the other day she tried getting me to promise to have a baby soon lol.
But me and my sub have decided not to have children. Well actually, I decided that, he wasn't really 100 percet against the idea. But now, after thinking about it more and more, I am not completely off the idea anymore. I have begun to maybe, perhaps, just possibly consider starting a family. Having such a great relationship with his daughter has definitely startedto change my mind I think.
The real problem is, that afther four years of harsh CBT and ballbusting, I'm not even sure my sub is capable of fathering anything. I suppose we will have to get some tests done, but if it turns out he can't have children anymore, and i decide that I want to, am I ethically bound to spend the rest of my life childless? And if he really is sterile, how am I ever going to explain to my stepdaughter that she will never have a brother or sister?


Well I hope for your sake, he is not sterile from your play. I would suppose the guilt of knowing that you caused it might be a little hard to swallow even if it was a RAC situation. I suppose you could adopt? There are alot of children out their that need good homes.. Just a thought


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 9:50:00 AM   
slaveluci


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I'm really not sure why you are bound to explain anything. He is her father. He is the one who willingly went into a relationship where his balls were going to be kicked, stomped or whathaveyou to the point that it may make him incapable of fathering more children. He should've perhaps looked ahead to the day this issue may be raised and should've thought how he might handle it. Perhaps he's got some thoughts on it since it's his responsibility.

Obviously, no one can tell her the truth of the matter. She's a child. I'm not sure I EVER would tell her, frankly. But he's going to need to step up and tell her something because it's a situation of his creation as well as yours. But, since he's the parent, I feel it squarely falls on his shoulders.

luci

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 9:53:42 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Well, if it were me, I would likely tell the child that I could not promise hir a brother or sister, soon or ever, because having a baby wasn't like going to the pet-store for a puppy or kitten. It was making another person and that wasn't something you could make promises about. I would feel under no compulsion to explain anything further.

If I were to have a child by artificial insemination, I would make sure that both the child and any siblings and family and friends knew, in age- and/or relationship-appropriate terms, from the time I and any other decision-maker involved made the decision to do so, that the people choosing to have and raise this baby had used every tool at their means to be able to be the parents of that child -- and I would do so without shame, without regret, and without apology. I would provide all the positive input necessary to be sure that my child knew that xhe was created out of our genuine desire to have a child, and that the technicalities were simply the way to the means -- so that xhe was proud of hir origins, and hir background could never be used as a weapon against hir or against those who loved hir.

Just my 2 cents.

Dame Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 9/27/2009 10:11:08 AM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 10:03:02 AM   
CalifChick


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From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarieQ

And if by some chance, I am obligated to use a donor, would I be ethically obligated to tell my stepdaughter that her 'sister' is not biologically related to her? (i.e. not her fathers actual issue) I mean, something like that is pretty major.


Your information should always be age-appropriate.  A seven year old does not need to know the intimate workings of how a sibling was (or was not, in case of unsuccessful attempts) conceived. Perhaps when she is a teenager, but not at 7 yrs old.  I don't think she would understand the daddy-is-but-is-not-the-baby's-daddy.

Regarding the question of what to tell her now, you can always tell what you would tell anyone else:  "We're not planning a baby at the moment, but if that changes, we'll be sure to tell you."  And that means after you're already pregnant, which leads me to...

Two unasked-for-cents:  Whatever you do, please don't announce to your family and/or friends that you are trying to conceive.  I'm not sure when couples started thinking this was okay, but seriously... people don't need to know this.

Cali


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 10:27:57 AM   
ranja


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Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		CalifChick said:
Your information should always be age-appropriate.  A seven year old does not need to know the intimate workings of how a sibling was (or was not, in case of unsuccessful attempts) conceived. Perhaps when she is a teenager, but not at 7 yrs old.  I don't think she would understand the daddy-is-but-is-not-the-baby's-daddy.

I say: age-appropriately formulated of course but the truth never the less.
At seven and even younger than that they understand ever so much if explained properly.
It would not work for me to have to agree on a time when they are in their teens...very delicate time...hormones and all that... and then have to tell them that... well, actually... you have been less than truthfully (they will hear: you have lied to them) and their sibling is actually not their sibling at all... also most likely they will find out sooner and you look a lier for indeed having lied to them.

i think it is best to be honest from the start

anyway the op is not even sure there is anything the matter with their fertility... so if she wants to conceive she might just try having intercourse with the guy and see if anything happens before any medical intervention eh?

and in that case she could say to the little girl that they are trying but nothing has happened yet... what's wrong with that?

and if something does happen they will be half siblings... that is obvious eh?

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 10:30:01 AM   
looking4princess


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quote:

And if by some chance, I am obligated to use a donor, would I be ethically obligated to tell my stepdaughter that her 'sister' is not biologically related to her? (i.e. not her fathers actual issue) I mean, something like that is pretty major.


This issue is well explored in a website for donor syblings. It is quite a fascinating culture you may wish to explore, althought i think you are getting a little ahead of yourself at this point. Different families have solved the problem in different ways. Some have chosen not to tell their offspring. Others have been quite forthright. Interestingly, my friend has a donor child. She and her son went in search of the father (big ethical issue) and found other syblings living in distant States. So now, the 13 year old son has a half sister who lives 1000 miles away but with whom he is quite close and has visited. He had a momentary glimpse of the donor father and was not much interested. Children are very flexible. Do not sell them short when it comes to honest discusion and revelation. Er um, but the ball-kicking details may be a bit more than she needs to know.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 10:56:18 AM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First, go talk to a doctor, a specialist in the field of male fertility. You should if possible, try to get enough sperm to bank so that if you want a child, that option will exist.

If you use a donor, then yes you must tell the child that genetically this will not be a relative. Medical decisions in the future may arise that will make it necessary for her to know. Better to find out matter of factly ahead of time then when you need a kidney to live.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 11:09:12 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		This ain't rocket-science...

1.  Both of you get tested (not just him).  The results will determine if this entire dialogue is even worth having.

2.  If his boys (and your girls) are in good working order, then have a sit-down and discuss what you'd lik to do.

a)  If the answer is yes, to starting a family, just do it... and if a little one is conceived, then share it with the daughter after the third or forth month or so, because anything can happen that may affect the pregnancy.  Note:  Adoption is also a consideration.

b) If the answer is no, just tell his daughter that the two of you CAN'T (medically) have children.



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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 11:12:30 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

If you use a donor, then yes you must tell the child that genetically this will not be a relative. Medical decisions in the future may arise that will make it necessary for her to know. Better to find out matter of factly ahead of time then when you need a kidney to live.

both have to be told..and considering the age difference between the two, it will be a bit tricky as to when they are told. You can tell the older child when she is old enough to comprehend the issue, but what a nightmare if she blabs to the little one.

Donor centers have a lot of good advice on these issues.


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 11:16:39 AM   
looking4princess


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quote:

This issue is well explored in a website for donor syblings.


Sorry, of course i meant to write Donor SIBLINGS, not syblings. My spellcheck brain cluster was flustered. In any event, i wish to repeat you are waaaaay premature in worrying about what to tell the step-daughter.

DesFIP makes two excellent points: first, go to a fertilty specialist. You will not learn enough from us plumbers on this site. Secondly, future medical issues are a consideration, and furthermore, the medical information gathered by the donor clinics is not always to be trusted (they are for-profit businesses, after all) Hence, the current ethical turmoil over whether the donor parents should be identified. Good luck with all that.

< Message edited by looking4princess -- 9/27/2009 11:18:23 AM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 11:39:26 AM   
RCdc


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarieQ
She wants one very badly, which I guess isnt uncommon for a child her age. Her mother and stepfather also haven't had a child, so my subs daughter is still an only child on both sides.


It's not particularly common, not from my experience.  My daughter really is quite happy being the baby of the family and I have known children to be mortified at being told they were not going to be the 'only one'.
Me?  I was an only child and growing up I have never really had the need for a brother or sister.  It really didn't bother me either way and I never asked my parents for a sibling.

It depends what kind of child she is at seven.  Some can handle the truth and some are far more immature so I wouldn't concentrate on her age but her personally.

I would sit down with her before anything else and find out why she is so desperate to have a sibling.  Maybe she feels peer pressure?  Maybe she feels burdened and that a sibling can help carry some of the weight?  I would be concerned at why shes trying so hard for a sibling and would not discuss anything until you know the real reason why.  It might be she simply is a social child and wants to be a postive role model, but I would confirm it.

the.dark.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 11:58:12 AM   
slavekal


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/27/2009 12:21:20 PM   
frazzle


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Since when does a 7 year old have any say about other children. That is the parents choice.
Having kids because the one you have says, i want, doesnt make sense. Do you equally discuss your job choices with this 7 year old???

You are the adults, act like it. You either can or cannot biologically have kids. When you know the answer to that make your choices based on what you want, not what a 7 year old child would prefer.

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