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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 7:16:52 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You are putting the cart before the horse. He should be tested first. If the sperm is fine, then you can continue. If it's low, he should start banking it, just in case. 

Then you two need to decide if you are having this child. And no matter what your dynamic is usually, you  both need to want a child or you could risk raising it alone. Because getting pregnant when he doesn't want that will be a disaster to the relationship.

The child will survive being an only child, but if you folks have any cousins with kids her age, get close to them. Having a larger family should help.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 8:40:54 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


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Oh Please, you do not have to abandon your partner to get a child after you have rendered him in capable of having kids. and she never said she would, she said was she ethically bound to be childless since he made him infertial.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

No you are not Bound to do anything, However abandoning your partner to have a child after you took that ability away from him would in my opinion make you pretty fucked up, but that is just My opinion.  An opinion that doesn't matter in this situation.


Steel


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 9:19:14 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Adoption is not easy and can cost you thousands of dollars, and some peo ple don't qualify to adopt.
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

Adopt.


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 9:25:59 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

Adoption is not easy and can cost you thousands of dollars, and some peo ple don't qualify to adopt.
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

Adopt.




While true, the avenue can certainly be persued to see if they can. Certainly it is expensive but people will mortage their homes to pay for vitro treatments. If one wants to have a child badly enough...

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/28/2009 9:27:38 AM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 10:47:49 AM   
Eigenaar


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45



Here we have yet another example of why I am, and shall remain single. You've spent four years possibly ensuring this man can't father another child, and now....you feel you might want them. And your only concern is whether or not you're 'ethically bound' to remain childless (a nice way of saying do you have to stay with the guy who's goods you fucked up).

Unbelievable.

Safe and sane does not always count, obviously.

< Message edited by Eigenaar -- 9/28/2009 10:50:21 AM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 11:28:12 AM   
Acer49


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

Why would you tell a child he was not conceived naturally? Whats the point? To me, that's a pretty shitty thing to do.

Sorry that was kind of off topic, but... I vote for adoption also. Why go through all 9 months of pregnancy, when you can adopt a beautiful healthy child who has no family? (nothing against any biological moms here it's just my view point)



Because there are medical issues that may come up in the future and it would require him/her to know their true origin

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 4:20:03 PM   
CalifChick


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

...IME, give a child a sense not only that xhe is valued, but that hir birth was not an aberration or 'mistake', but was a conscious choice, carefully made.

I think that being lovingly and gently honest with our children about themselves is a positive, loving thing. Hiding and acting as if one is ashamed of how one conceived the child that one wanted very much.... not so much.



Not picking on you Calla, just using what you said as an example of what several have said.  I don't discuss the specifics of how my children were conceived with them.  I don't understand how choosing to keep my sex life and reproductive choices private makes any child think they were an aberration or mistake. 

I don't know the societies that the rest of you have experienced because I'm not seeing any stigma attached to any of the options presented.  Perhaps 40 years ago, I don't know.  But not now.

And for those saying they have to know for health reasons... the two siblings would be half-siblings at most.  If something medical came up, whoever was willing would be tested for compatibility and that would be that.  It's not like the doctor would say "your half-sister cannot give you a kidney because not only is she not a good match, but she's not a good match because you share no DNA whatsoever."

Cali


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/28/2009 10:54:52 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		For those who don't know about my past,

I understand EXACTLY how hard it is to adopt a child. I know EXACTLY how hard it is to be a foster/adoptive parent.

Sadly, The foster children I was a co-parent to (in the state of Oklahoma one can be a "co-parent" to "emotionally disturbed" foster children if you are in a relationship/live with with a person or couple over the age of 25) neither the couple or I were allowed to adopt, after the state found their biological aunt, and awarded custody to her and her family.


And when I was talking about children whoa re not conceived naturally, it was in reference to "telling the kid he's a test tube baby" comment. I dont understand why you would do THAT.


And Eigenaar? Do not email me about forums topics. We are not friends, and I don't ever see us being friends, so there is no reason for you to private message me.And No I'm not catholic.


< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 9/28/2009 11:02:13 PM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 1:16:54 AM   
Loki45


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey
And Eigenaar? Do not email me about forums topics. We are not friends, and I don't ever see us being friends, so there is no reason for you to private message me.And No I'm not catholic.


Someone sure likes grandstanding.


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 1:56:54 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
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Status: offline 		I hear the voice of a lonely neglected child crying out for necessary and healthy interaction, nurturing, attention, and playtime with friends.

At some point, people must grow up, accept, and fulfill the responsibilities they already have as a mature adult.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 2:32:45 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
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Status: offline 		do you mean Sunny or the Dutch guy?

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 5:37:20 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		My question still stands.......... Why NOT tell a child that he was conceived that way? Is it meant to be far worse than being the result of an unprotected shag?

My children joke among themselves about which of them were planned and which weren't.......... it's of no interest beyond a family *in-joke*. Even the *planned* ones joke about whether I was interested in the shag at the time.

It's the pimple on the arse of a flea to know how you resulted in being part of this family. Some families, believe it or not, don't have hang-ups and drama about things like this. There's too many other wonderful things going on for it be of any consequence beyond being a *fact*.

agirl

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 7:51:23 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

I don't discuss the specifics of how my children were conceived with them. I don't understand how choosing to keep my sex life and reproductive choices private makes any child think they were an aberration or mistake.


I can understand not wanting to explain to your kids "Yeah, dad and I tried everything from Missionary to doggy-style trying to get preggers and couldn't..." or all the other graphic details, especially when not age-relevant. That being said, I don't think that telling a child "Yes, hon -- your father and I wanted a baby very, very badly, and it was hard for us to have one, so after a long time trying, we went to a doctor who helped us to have you." is excessively elaborating on my sex life or reproductive choices.

OTOH, since other people would know that we were doing IVF (people at the doctor's office, co-workers, friends, family, etc.), and since human beings are notorious for "blurt" accidents and children tend to have selective hearing for the very things that we least want shared around (and can be cruel when they choose to be), I would much rather my child hear about any variations from "normal" from me, and know that the decisions made surrounding hir life (whether we're talking about IFV, adoption, or an unplanned pregnancy) were made out of a genuine desire to see hir become a whole human being and be a part of our lives.

Again, it's a preference thing. I don't necessarily think that -not- telling a child will doom the child to a life of misery or anything like that... but I do think that that little bit of extra forthrightness may have been what helped my children to know that they could come to me with -anything-, without worrying that momma would find it gross or 'dirty' or wrong or "too private" to talk about -- and also providing just that little bit of insurance in the event that someone else's cruelty tried to use circumstances against one of my kids. I think, too, that it lets my kids know that there are more options, and that making a different choice didn't make -us- a failure, and wouldn't make -them- a failure either... so it opens so many doors that I just found more valuable than keeping the secret.

Dame Calla

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 8:29:43 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		On a lighthearted note ..... at one time or the other ALL of my children would have preferred the thought of being spawned in a petri-dish than having to think about the fact that we *did it*. Test-tube, dropped by a Stork, left by fairies under a gooseberry bush, ANYTHING other than .sex!!

agirl

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 2:59:34 PM   
Sunnyfey


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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

My question still stands.......... Why NOT tell a child that he was conceived that way? Is it meant to be far worse than being the result of an unprotected shag?



No you are missing my point. Calling a 5 year old a test tube baby to his face, is a shitty thing to do, calling a child a mistake, is a shitty thing to do. Calling them NAMES  like that is a shitty thing to do.

Now, telling a 10-15 year old that "hey we need to talk, there are somethings you need to know, about how you were born" and then explaining the situation to a kid who can UNDERSTAND what it means, is fine.


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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 3:57:49 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, I saw the clarification after posting but now I see it I agree, the phrasing of things would be shitty yes.




Because when you're not biologically someone's child there's medical concerns and medical back ground histories and stuff, and when something comes up and the dr asks h him or her, and she doesn';t know she's not biological she'll or he'll hand the dr wrong information, information that could endanger their life, if there's a serious enough problem.  If you go the rout of adoption or a sperm  donor they may not look like the others in the family and may always feel different or held apart.  Not to mention if it some how becomes known because someone blabbed or  it just came up, then they won't gfeel upset or betrayed by this new information.

I am not my parents biological child and I am damned greatful to know so, because now instead of giving my dr's false info when he askes does  it run in your family to have......... I can tell him I am adopted and do not know my family history, and he can decide to go from there with CORRECT information.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

Why would you tell a child he was not conceived naturally? Whats the point? To me, that's a pretty shitty thing to do.





< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 9/29/2009 4:10:52 PM >

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 4:03:34 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		That would be why I explained my answer...in the last post I made.

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 4:04:45 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I know, I say that just in case people throw the idea of adoption on the table not realizing how much time and energy and money and red tape it takes. Or that not every one will be allowed to adopt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub



While true, the avenue can certainly be persued to see if they can. Certainly it is expensive but people will mortage their homes to pay for vitro treatments. If one wants to have a child badly enough...

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 4:19:46 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I know, I say that just in case people throw the idea of adoption on the table not realizing how much time and energy and money and red tape it takes. Or that not every one will be allowed to adopt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub



While true, the avenue can certainly be persued to see if they can. Certainly it is expensive but people will mortage their homes to pay for vitro treatments. If one wants to have a child badly enough...



I'm aware as we are planning on adopting at least one of our children due to my personal beliefs regarding children, love and an entire lack of concern for DNA.

I simply feel that most people ignore adoption as there does seem to be a stigma of "last resort" attached to it so I will suggest it early. I personally despised getting information and agency after agency was "So you failed to fertilize your eggs! Don't worry, we can find a kid who looks just like you!".

Sorry... pet peeve. *steps off soapbox*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: How do I answer his daughter? - 9/29/2009 4:58:26 PM   
bloomswell


Posts: 52
Status: offline 		My testes suffered 20 years worth of kicking/punching trauma including several long sessions with those ugly castration rings.
I then fathered 3 kids.
I think I was lucky but maybe your sub is lucky too.

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