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Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 5:04:32 PM   
ArgoNikki


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/9/2009
Status: offline 		I know Domming is hard. You do all the work. When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy". I use the term loosely. That being said, do you get lazy at being a Dom lol? Do you think it is appropriate to ask for that dominance when one is a sub? And more importantly how esp if the Dom is tired from r/l issues?
Thanks!
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 5:24:14 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArgoNikki
I know Domming is hard. You do all the work. When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy". I use the term loosely. That being said, do you get lazy at being a Dom lol? Do you think it is appropriate to ask for that dominance when one is a sub? And more importantly how esp if the Dom is tired from r/l issues?
Right off the bat, I'm not a big believer in "appropriate" behaviors for doms and subs. I like "what works" a lot better. So for me, it works that Carol pretty much always tells me what she wants/needs/hopes for/etc. Sometimes she gets it, sometimes not. And let's be clear here... yeah you're right, being the dom is a lot of work. But it also has some not insubstantial rewards that go along with it *laughs*. Yeah, I put in a lot of effort trying to be a good Master for Carol. But I feel that I am repaid handsomely for my efforts.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ArgoNikki)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 5:45:54 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		I am not a Dom and I have only really been truly dominated by one man. In our relationship he is always dominating me, whether he is spanking me, making love to me, brushing my hair (because my wrists are bound and I can't do it myself) laughing with me at some stupid joke, or even sleeping.In other words I don't need to ask him for dominance. Its always there. I supose there might come a time when I ask him for kinky sex, if thats what you mean, but whether or not he gives it to me is up to him.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 5:52:39 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Next time i'm washing clothes or cleaning the toilet, i shall spare a second to generate sympathy for the hard working dom.

and on a (slightly) more serious note - if you know your dom is tired, why not go into service mode, and cater to him - foot rubs, shoulder rubs, peeled grapes, and so on.


If the inattentive dom is an on-going issue, then yes, it is appropriate to bring it up. After all, anyone can become inattentive and not realise it, and need a heads up. It would seem to me to be part of being a good sub. The subject would probably need to be raised when said dom is rested and doesn't feel attacked by a sub in need/frenzy/anger. Dispassionate relaying of info would be the way to go.

(in reply to Hierodule)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 6:08:12 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Nothing wrong with speaking about your needs, but it matters how you do so.

"Damn, back when you was a real dom...." probably isn't the route to go. Be respectful.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 6:39:19 PM   
coyotedancer


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am dominant when I am tired, when I am sick, when I am.......well I am dom because that is what I am it is a personality trait not what you do..... Now my sadistic side is not always ready but can always be brought out. Is every Dom always ready to play....nope but that doesn't mean they are not being dominant.

(in reply to Level)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 6:40:32 PM   
coyotedancer


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am dominant when I am tired, when I am sick, when I am.......well I am dom because that is what I am it is a personality trait not what you do..... Now my sadistic side is not always ready but can always be brought out. Is every Dom always ready to play....nope but that doesn't mean they are not being dominant.

(in reply to coyotedancer)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 6:59:53 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Next time i'm washing clothes or cleaning the toilet, i shall spare a second to generate sympathy for the hard working dom.

and on a (slightly) more serious note - if you know your dom is tired, why not go into service mode, and cater to him - foot rubs, shoulder rubs, peeled grapes, and so on.


If the inattentive dom is an on-going issue, then yes, it is appropriate to bring it up. After all, anyone can become inattentive and not realise it, and need a heads up. It would seem to me to be part of being a good sub. The subject would probably need to be raised when said dom is rested and doesn't feel attacked by a sub in need/frenzy/anger. Dispassionate relaying of info would be the way to go.


you beat me to it I was going to say the same thing.

My thoughts are though that is any part of a relationship starts to slip, D/s or otherwise communication would be the key

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 7:05:48 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		I let a girl know the appropriate ways to let things like this be known.

Communication. Among the common sense things that are not commonly done.

(in reply to ArgoNikki)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 7:19:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not sure you're asking about dominance; ie him telling you to get him a cup of coffee so much as you are asking about play, being topped.

You need to talk to him and see if he is interested in you coming out naked, crop in mouth, on hands and knees to instigate play. Or just draping yourself over his lap and seeing if he spanks you or laughs and says not now.

Some tops are very fine with that, others are not. Now obviously you don't do this if he's just finished working a double shift or some such.

Mine would rather I ask for a spanking than start acting up due to lack of play and the general itchy feeling that causes. As to whether or not yours thinks it's okay for you to start it or if he thinks that's the dreaded tftb, only he can say. Ask him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Musicmystery)
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RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 7:23:03 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy".


Must be nice. Wish I could say that I get to sit back and enjoy when I"m busy cleaning up after playing, putting everything away, washing the dishes, working on projects he's assigned <not that I'm complaining..it's what I signed up for>......

but in answer to your question, if you want more dominance just ask him. It doesn't have to be "hey I want you to dom me dammit!". Just ask politely and respectfully, tell him in a calm, civil manner how you are feeling and remember..he's a human being. He gets tired. We all get tired. Take his life into consideration before you run off to make demands of someone.

(in reply to ArgoNikki)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 8:02:48 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		DesFIP, not necessarily. It hasn't really come up so far with my Master, and rarely did with my previous dominant, but sometimes, I *wanted* to be more useful, or to feel his control in other non-play-related aspects. I didn't necessarily crave the kink, I wanted to feel his power over me, to feel overwhelmed, and it's a lot harder to ask for.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 8:09:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		True Anda, but I didn't get that feeling from the op. I guess it was that line about lying back and enjoying. I only get that when I'm tied up and being done thoroughly. I've never gotten it from him giving me a list of chores.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 8:13:49 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I actually feel very secure and submissive when I am cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, or when he "shushes" me with a hand over my mouth or a tug on my hair (especially in public but done in a discreet/joking way that doesn't out us), or otherwise exerts *authority* over me. I know he has that authority, but it's reassuring when he *uses* it, if that makes sense. You could very well be right in his case, I was more responding for my own relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/29/2009 9:06:01 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArgoNikki

I know Domming is hard. You do all the work. When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy". I use the term loosely. That being said, do you get lazy at being a Dom lol? Do you think it is appropriate to ask for that dominance when one is a sub? And more importantly how esp if the Dom is tired from r/l issues?
Thanks!


all good things take time and effort. i am certain the challenges of accepting responsibility for and guiding another person are worth the gains. while you may be sitting back and enjoying i find the opposite to be true. slavery is just as taxing and we're both working collectively so to speak.

in reference to your question, i think everyone has moments when other things take precedence. i don't view this as a conscious decision to release the reins. he's always in control and my position never changes whether he is actively enforcing his will or fast asleep. i'm still owned and under his command. i wouldn't consider him lazy or fathom saying such.

i'm fairly good about stating what i'd like or a perceived need that may not have been addressed. it would depend on what is being stated and whether it is an issue that requires his immediate assistance or a ongoing issue that i'd like feedback on. that's where it stops. i've brought the issue to him and allow him to do his job so to speak. it is my responsibility to keep him informed and his to process and utilize the information provided according to his wishes. when you function in this fashion it is a little difficult to be off the clock.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to ArgoNikki)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/30/2009 2:07:31 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I actually feel very secure and submissive when I am cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, or when he "shushes" me with a hand over my mouth or a tug on my hair (especially in public but done in a discreet/joking way that doesn't out us), or otherwise exerts *authority* over me. I know he has that authority, but it's reassuring when he *uses* it, if that makes sense. You could very well be right in his case, I was more responding for my own relationship.


To me lil things like this in everyday life make the start of me being turned on... i need my Husband to let me feel His dominance over me in using my housework (that i would have to do anyway) or my service to Him (that i would freely give anyway) or in our interactions out and about town.
If He starts 'forgetting' to fill my need like this... then after a while i feel taken for granted and turned off and my readiness to step it up and take it to sex dips and our lives get boring... i am not His mother or sister, i am not just His friend... i am His wife and i have special needs...
I would have no choice but to ask Him what i can do to make Him take more notice of me... because i do not like to get bored...

I might ask for sex but we only get to it when He decides to... if He can not be bothered and i want some He might have me masturbate for Him... He is in charge always without exception and takes great joy in being the boss...

< Message edited by ranja -- 9/30/2009 2:15:33 AM >

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/30/2009 6:07:07 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: coyotedancer

I am dominant when I am tired, when I am sick, when I am.......well I am dom because that is what I am it is a personality trait not what you do..... Now my sadistic side is not always ready but can always be brought out. Is every Dom always ready to play....nope but that doesn't mean they are not being dominant.


Exactly the point I was about to make. The Dynamic is how the two people in the relationship relate to each other. It is part of who they are and the chemistry between them. My girl doesn't ask for 'Dominance' because it would be irrelevant.... it is part of who I am. it is there when I am tired, ill, asleep even (Hands up all those girls who have watched their Master sleep and still felt that draw to serve and please them?)

My girl is a maso, sometimes that itch bites a bit more than My draw to PLAY covers.... then she asks for play, she asks for a beating... she doesn't ask for Dominance.... If she had to do that I wouldn't be Me!


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to coyotedancer)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/30/2009 7:10:13 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArgoNikki

I know Domming is hard. You do all the work. When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy". I use the term loosely. That being said, do you get lazy at being a Dom lol? Do you think it is appropriate to ask for that dominance when one is a sub? And more importantly how esp if the Dom is tired from r/l issues?
Thanks!


It depends what you mean by *dominance* .....If I ever had to ASK for his dominance then our relationship would have had a massive sea-change.

It bears an explanation because for many people the *dommy-stuff* is activity based. When I get to sit back and *enjoy*, I'm being given something that is designed specifically for me to enjoy.

If I had to ask for his *dominance* he's falling down on the job. It wouldn't be" inappropriate" to ask for it, it would be a  bloody crying shame.

Being too tired to *play* isn't remotely like being too tired  or too lazy to *dominate*. So which is it?

agirl













(in reply to ArgoNikki)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/30/2009 7:15:02 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArgoNikki

I know Domming is hard. You do all the work. When I'm submissive, I get to sit back and "enjoy". I use the term loosely. That being said, do you get lazy at being a Dom lol? Do you think it is appropriate to ask for that dominance when one is a sub? And more importantly how esp if the Dom is tired from r/l issues?
Thanks!


There is too much "looseness" in your questions for me to answer them properly. Me being me, of which dominant is part of, isn't always easy but it is a hell of a lot easier than me trying to be something I am not.

Even if I am tired or being lazy, I am doing it on my terms. Lazing about when I want to, not because I've been given permission.

Play activities are something in a completely different context for me. Smacking an ass isn't necessarily a dominant activity. In fact, him doing it only because you want it, is more of a submissive activity.....in my eyes.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ArgoNikki)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Asking for dominance - 9/30/2009 7:44:59 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
if you know your dom is tired, why not go into service mode, and cater to him - foot rubs, shoulder rubs, peeled grapes, and so on.


Kind of my thoughts- DesFIP also makes a good point about this sounding more like topping vs dominance. I have met in the past, women who were very much the "do me" subs, who wanted what amounted to stud service with kink, on demand.
That kind of gets wearisome in about 5 minutes flat.

But regardless of terms (a very dicey proposition on the boards) my being Dominant is not work at all- its just how we operate.

If I am too tired for sexy play, I just tell Kim, and she happily snuggles next to me; if I want sex, she happily complies; if I want to crop her, she eagerly assumes the position; if I want breakfast, she enthusiastically brings it to me; if I don't she brings me only coffee....etc etc etc.

I have a beautiful woman who treats me like a king- I deserve envy not a pity party.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 20
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