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awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 7:26:29 AM

wandersalone

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This is something that I still don't have a clear answer to so thought I would throw it out there for ideas.

I moved to a new city a year ago and as is often the case with meeting new people and making new friends they ask me about siblings. One of my workmates asked me this question this week in fact and even now, ten years after my little brothers death I don't know how to answer.

Most of the time and in particular with people whom I feel I am unlikely to see very much I say I have one brother but I then feel so awful inside, as if I am negating the existence of my little brother but it is actually that I want to avoid the possibility of crying in front of them (he and I were extremely close).

Sometimes I will tell people I have one brother alive and that one died but then a surprisingly high number of people ask how did he die and then they usually get uncomfortable when I say it was suicide and I end up feeling bad that I told them.

Sometimes I will say I have two brothers and don't elaborate further.

I imagine people that have lost partners and/or children also go through some of the struggles I have in answering this type of question .... please tell me I am not alone in this.

My questions are: how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question?

I am off to bed now and will read the replies tomorrow night

Thanks in advance for any responses

ps. I also apologise for the crap thread title, I actually got out of bed and turned my computer on to write this as I was unable to sleep because it was all going through my head in a big jumble

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Post #: 1

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 7:40:01 AM

Marc2b

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quote:

Sometimes I will say I have two brothers and don't elaborate further.

That's pretty much all you need to say to co-workers and casual aquaintances.

If you do need to elaborate further, simply say: "I have two brothers, one who unfortunately has passed away."

If they press for details just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about it."

Any decent person will know that it is now time to change the subject.

My Condolences on your loss.

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Post #: 2

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 7:51:54 AM

Wolf2Bear

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Mega bear hugz to you wanders. Sadly many people don't understand how deeply an unexpected death of a sibling affects the person. I'd simply say I have two brothers, one living and one who sadly passed away a few years ago. Anyone who respects another's privacy won't question you further. You might feel uncomfortable though that is fleeting and you still have a sense you aren't forgetting the one who passed on.

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Post #: 3

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 7:55:02 AM

CarrieO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

My questions are: how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question?

Hello wandersalone,

Like you, I had a sibling die, goodness can it really be almost 12 yrs ago, and to answer the second part of your question first...yes, it does get easier. It doesn't hurt any less but it does get easier to tell someone. The tears still come but it does get easier.

How do I answer this question? Simple...I have 3 siblings, 2 living and one not. My sister's death was not natural and painful for me to discuss at length unless its with someone I know and trust. When I meet people who ask probing questions about her, I generally answer with "Thank you for your concern but I'd rather not discuss it." Most people will understand but there will always be those with a morbid curiosity. I've learned to be selective in who I tell.

You're not alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Post #: 4

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 8:00:59 AM

sappatoti

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From: the edge of darkness...
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
... I imagine people that have lost partners and/or children also go through some of the struggles I have in answering this type of question .... please tell me I am not alone in this.

My questions are: how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question? ...

No, you are not alone. I have my own issues with survivor's guilt that leave me as perplexed as you. It doesn't get any easier for me to answer these types of questions, even more than twenty years later.

As to how I answer the inquiries... it depends upon the person doing the asking and the environment where the questions are asked. Casual friends and acquaintances will get a stripped down, generalized, and basic cause, i.e. "It was an accident." Those with whom I'm hoping to forge a more personal and longer-term relationship with will eventually get the complete story, but not before some discussion has taken place about how sensitive an issue it is with me. I wish there was an easier way to answer these types of questions.

If acknowledging the presence your brother is important to you, finding a generalized way to do so, without locking yourself into providing intimate details to people you casually or barely know, may be the way to go about it.

I hope this helps.

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Post #: 5

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 8:12:10 AM

HatesParisHilton

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"I had two brothers, now only one. The other is sadly deceased."

In my case, it wasn't a sibling.

Personally I don't most Westerners I meet (as opposed to Westerners) have a remotely developed sense of Loss or Grief, much less the magnitude of a death of someone important, so I tend to limit any conversation with the folks I run into here in Oz (as opposed to on this site), and shunt the doalogue as fast and quickly as possible to ANYTHING else.

I do not find this rude or disengenuous. I find people pretending to give a shit about someone in my life to be rude (since they themselves clearly care more about waxing their board or what team scored this week).

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Post #: 6

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 8:21:45 AM

pahunkboy

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I would not get into all the details.

A simple- number of the siblings that remain alive.

A curious mind might ask- was it always that way? Then maybe expound.

Personal pain is yours- you are not required to relive it simply because someone asks. When you choose to disclose this- then it is because you want to- not because they other is prying.

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)

Post #: 7

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 9:04:02 AM

purepleasure

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I simply answer, "I am the eldest of 3 children", then change the subject. It's not their business of any of my siblings' business. If pressed further, "May I ask why you need this information?" usually stops further questioning.

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Post #: 8

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 9:26:16 AM

DomKen

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From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
I imagine people that have lost partners and/or children also go through some of the struggles I have in answering this type of question .... please tell me I am not alone in this.

You're not alone. I've struggled with that whole line of questions for most of my life. I've never found a good response except to try my best to avoid it. If someone wants to know how many siblings you have answer the way that makes you feel best. If a person asks further you're always entitled to say its none of their business or to say he died and that you'd rather not keep discussing the matter.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 9

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 9:29:21 AM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question?

I get the same question about my nephews, and my brother gets it about his sons. But the question is always phrased in the here and now, and we just go with that. It's an honest answer. Saying anything more is more than was asked. And, too, personally at least, I don't feel that a here and now answer negates or denies someone's existence in the here and then, or their present existence elsewhere now (assuming your beliefs are such). It simply answers the question as asked.

Just my solution....

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 9/30/2009 9:37:56 AM >

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 10

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 9:48:05 AM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomKen

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
I imagine people that have lost partners and/or children also go through some of the struggles I have in answering this type of question .... please tell me I am not alone in this.

You're not alone. I've struggled with that whole line of questions for most of my life. I've never found a good response except to try my best to avoid it. If someone wants to know how many siblings you have answer the way that makes you feel best. If a person asks further you're always entitled to say its none of their business or to say he died and that you'd rather not keep discussing the matter.

This is my concern.... not about this per se - but life in general- I made it a point in the past few years to STOP telling my war stories. Or at least on my own terms. I dont need to relive some events again and again. At times it might be therapeutic -- but it is on MY terms.

You could re-word the question- "tell me about your family"-

(in reply to DomKen)

Post #: 11

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 10:46:08 AM

Viridana

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FR
I too had a brother that took his own life when I was a teenager and I've just as you had similar struggles as what to say when people ask me how many siblings I have with the pressing of wanting to know how he died. I originally had 4 siblings, but now they are 3 so when I'm asked I say 3. I've found that it generates the least confusion, both for me and the one that asks.

If the person is close I might add the 4th in and elaborate, but usually I'm just not in the mood for telling somebody, that I don't feel is on a need-to-know basis. Not that I am ashamed of him taking his own life, I just dislike this faux "aaaaw poor you, I'm so sowwwy" attitude that is often generated.

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Post #: 12

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 2:04:08 PM

DomImus

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My brother passed away in a motorcycle accident twenty five years ago. We were not close at all so talking about it has never been a problem for me. If someone asks about how many siblings are in my family I always respond that I was the fourth of six children. If someone asks the boy/girl breakdown I often catch my self saying I have two brothers and two sisters - unconsciously leaving him out of the tally because I think about him so rarely. Some good did come from his untimely passing. It brought to the surface many feelings and much grief I had never dealt with from my mother's death fifteen years prior to his. I'm in a much better place in that regard because of his passing.

This doesn't really address your situation but your post made me think about it.

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Post #: 13

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 3:21:46 PM

IrishMist

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I have lost three siblings...I am the only one left out of 4. It's rare though that I get anyone asking about my brother or sisters; and if they do,I simply tell them the truth...that they have all passed away. Since I tend not to make a big deal of it, they don't either ( meaning overboard wth the sympathy and such ).

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Post #: 14

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 4:00:53 PM

popeye1250

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I tell people that my wife died from lead poisoning.
They say, "Lead poisoning?" I say, "Yeah, I shot her!"

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Post #: 15

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 4:37:04 PM

thornhappy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
Most of the time and in particular with people whom I feel I am unlikely to see very much I say I have one brother but I then feel so awful inside, as if I am negating the existence of my little brother but it is actually that I want to avoid the possibility of crying in front of them (he and I were extremely close).

Sometimes I will tell people I have one brother alive and that one died but then a surprisingly high number of people ask how did he die and then they usually get uncomfortable when I say it was suicide and I end up feeling bad that I told them.

I have the exact problem - conversation often comes to a standstill. A lot seem more taken aback that it was a suicide and simply don't know what to say.

< Message edited by thornhappy -- 9/30/2009 4:40:27 PM >

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 16

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 4:38:08 PM

lovingpet

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My first husband and the father of my older um passed away about 10 years ago. He commited suicide too, so I know where you are coming from on this. To just say, I've been married twice or some other such things seems not quite right somehow. I can't say it has gotten any easier to answer over time. One of the main concerns has been that my um would hear the "full" story from someone other than me, but the um was an infant when it happened, so I am only now getting to the point of thinking it may be time for more of the truth. It has been spoon sized doses so far. Another concern is that if I approach more casually and my um hears of that after knowing the rest of the story that I will come off cold hearted to the whole thing which is far from the case.

I usually just tell people I have been married twice and the first ended badly and leave it at that. It still doesn't set well with me, but the ackwardness it causes others coupled with the potential risk to my um is enough for me to just keep it quiet in most cases. As a relationship becomes closer, I will usually give that information because it is a really big piece to understanding me and where I have been in life. It is a delicate balance though.

lovingpet

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 17

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 4:43:13 PM

Muttling

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Death of people who are close to you leaves a mark. I was in Iraq 6 years ago and I take pride in that, but its still hard to answer people when they ask if any of my people died. I lost 4 and it still hurts like hell.

When I get aggrevated over getting upset about it, I ask myself "How would I feel about myself if I didn't get upset about it?"

Your love remains, take comfort in that.

Since it hurts you to say you have one brother, I would definitely say "I have two siblings" or "I am the second of three". Most won't pursue it. If they do, saying "One is deceased" will usually end it. If they keep on, just say "I'd rather not discuss it" and walk away. They'll get the hint.

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Post #: 18

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 5:20:48 PM

pahunkboy

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Big HUGs to all here that need a hug!

:-' (

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Post #: 19

RE: awkward questions sort of relating to death - 9/30/2009 6:48:44 PM

littlewonder

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My husband died 15 years ago and when meeting new people the question of if I am single/married comes up and so it usually comes out that I am widowed. It still does make me uncomfortable to answer this sometimes since I lost him when I was young and I still am young and people get all weird around me when I tell them about it.

Then they ask me how I lost him..drunk driver/head on collision at which point they usually want to start apologizing, telling me how sorry they are for me, etc..

These days I just try to keep it all short and sweet...

"widowed 15 years now"

"Oh I'm sooo very sorry for you! How did he die?"

"Drunk driver"

"that's ashame. My condolences."

"Thanks"

and then I try to change the conversation as quickly as possible for everyone involved.

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 20

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