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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My husband died 15 years ago and when meeting new people the question of if I am single/married comes up and so it usually comes out that I am widowed. It still does make me uncomfortable to answer this sometimes since I lost him when I was young and I still am young and people get all weird around me when I tell them about it.

Then they ask me how I lost him..drunk driver/head on collision at which point they usually want to start apologizing, telling me how sorry they are for me, etc..

These days I just try to keep it all short and sweet...

"widowed 15 years now"

"Oh I'm sooo very sorry for you! How did he die?"

"Drunk driver"

"that's ashame. My condolences."

"Thanks"

and then I try to change the conversation as quickly as possible for everyone involved.

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ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

Mega bear hugz to you wanders. Sadly many people don't understand how deeply an unexpected death of a sibling affects the person. I'd simply say I have two brothers, one living and one who sadly passed away a few years ago. Anyone who respects another's privacy won't question you further. You might feel uncomfortable though that is fleeting and you still have a sense you aren't forgetting the one who passed on. 

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ORIGINAL: Marc2b

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Sometimes I will say I have two brothers and don't elaborate further.

That's pretty much all you need to say to co-workers and casual aquaintances.

If you do need to elaborate further, simply say: "I have two brothers, one who unfortunately has passed away."

If they press for details just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about it."

Any decent person will know that it is now time to change the subject.

My Condolences on your loss.

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ORIGINAL: CarrieO

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone


My questions are: how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question?

Hello wandersalone,

Like you, I had a sibling die, goodness can it really be almost 12 yrs ago, and to answer the second part of your question first...yes, it does get easier.  It doesn't hurt any less but it does get easier to tell someone.  The tears still come but it does get easier.

How do I answer this question?  Simple...I have 3 siblings, 2 living and one not.  My sister's death was not natural and painful for me to discuss at length unless its with someone I know and trust.  When I meet people who ask probing questions about her, I generally answer with "Thank you for your concern but I'd rather not discuss it."  Most people will understand but there will always be those with a morbid curiosity.  I've learned to be selective in who I tell.

You're not alone.  I'm sorry for your loss.

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ORIGINAL: sappatoti
As to how I answer the inquiries... it depends upon the person doing the asking and the environment where the questions are asked. Casual friends and acquaintances will get a stripped down, generalized, and basic cause, i.e. "It was an accident." Those with whom I'm hoping to forge a more personal and longer-term relationship with will eventually get the complete story, but not before some discussion has taken place about how sensitive an issue it is with me. I wish there was an easier way to answer these types of questions.

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ORIGINAL: pahunkboy
Personal pain is yours- you are not required to relive it simply because someone asks.   When you choose to disclose this- then it is because you want to- not because they other is prying.

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ORIGINAL: purepleasure

I simply answer, "I am the eldest of 3 children", then change the subject.  It's not their business of any of my siblings' business.  If pressed further, "May I ask why you need this information?" usually stops further questioning.

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ORIGINAL: DomKen
If a person asks further you're always entitled to say its none of their business or to say he died and that you'd rather not keep discussing the matter.

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ORIGINAL: Kirata

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone

how do you answer this type of question and does it get any easier to answer this question?

I get the same question about my nephews, and my brother gets it about his sons. But the question is always phrased in the here and now, and we just go with that. It's an honest answer. Saying anything more is more than was asked. And, too, personally at least, I don't feel that a here and now answer negates or denies someone's existence in the here and then, or their present existence elsewhere now (assuming your beliefs are such). It simply answers the question as asked.

Just my solution....

K.

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ORIGINAL: Viridana
Not that I am ashamed of him taking his own life, I just dislike this faux "aaaaw poor you, I'm so sowwwy" attitude that is often generated.  

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ORIGINAL: DomImus
Some good did come from his untimely passing. It brought to the surface many feelings and much grief I had never dealt with from my mother's death fifteen years prior to his. I'm in a much better place in that regard because of his passing.

This doesn't really address your situation but your post made me think about it.

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ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I have lost three siblings...I am the only one left out of 4. It's rare though that I get anyone asking about my brother or sisters; and if they do,I simply tell them the truth...that they have all passed away. Since I tend not to make a big deal of it, they don't either ( meaning overboard wth the sympathy and such ).

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ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I tell people that my wife died from lead poisoning.
They say, "Lead poisoning?" I say, "Yeah, I shot her!"

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ORIGINAL: thornhappy
I have the exact problem - conversation often comes to a standstill. A lot seem more taken aback that it was a suicide and simply don't know what to say.

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet

My first husband and the father of my older um passed away about 10 years ago.  He commited suicide too, so I know where you are coming from on this.  To just say, I've been married twice or some other such things seems not quite right somehow.  I can't say it has gotten any easier to answer over time.  One of the main concerns has been that my um would hear the "full" story from someone other than me, but the um was an infant when it happened, so I am only now getting to the point of thinking it may be time for more of the truth.  It has been spoon sized doses so far.  Another concern is that if I approach more casually and my um hears of that after knowing the rest of the story that I will come off cold hearted to the whole thing which is far from the case.
lovingpet

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ORIGINAL: Muttling

Death of people who are close to you leaves a mark.  I was in Iraq 6 years ago and I take pride in that, but its still hard to answer people when they ask if any of my people died.  I lost 4 and it still hurts like hell.

When I get aggrevated over getting upset about it, I ask myself "How would I feel about myself if I didn't get upset about it?"