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emotional transparency - 9/30/2009 11:18:36 PM

abuddingdom

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/8/2007
Status: offline

We do it, and I'm glad for it. I've defined it to others, very very simply, as not only mutual rigorous honesty but also, when needed , mutually baring and explaining feelings , pro or con, and directly and possibly at times bluntly but not brutally. I'd like to hear more about it from folks like us, please, and maybe even be pointed in the direction of some reading material......

Post #: 1

RE: emotional transparency - 9/30/2009 11:36:29 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I crave emotional transparency. It helps me to achieve a level of feeling acceptance that I cannot otherwise feel.
Maggi

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 2

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 12:05:59 AM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline

you never will know if the other is totaly transparant....you just can trust them to be so.
If you trust them..and it is mutual..then t is already nice.

I myself..I don't believe in things that need total in front of them.....they should be there without total.

_____________________________

Justme696 on the otherside
- D stands for Damian....not dude

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 3

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 12:08:31 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Meh. At first glance, it appears attractive, but in the wrong hands is an excuse to act out in any emotively outrageous way so long as it's "true" to the individual's feelings. It's a kind of contradiction to being able to calmly and informatively address issues with complete honesty while still being able to exercise composure.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 4

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 12:24:55 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Meh. At first glance, it appears attractive, but in the wrong hands is an excuse to act out in any emotively outrageous way so long as it's "true" to the individual's feelings. It's a kind of contradiction to being able to calmly and informatively address issues with complete honesty while still being able to exercise composure.

This.

(20 points..lol)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 5

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 3:20:53 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Consider transparency of the ego.

It is the controller who has mastered inner surrender, and the surrendered who has mastered inner control.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 6

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 3:40:45 AM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

Being real is really good in my books. I personally do not understand our society, why we loathe emotions so much. I saw a bit of a spread about Angelina Jolie shedding some tears in public and the sense of the article was that she was losing it.

To me, there is ever so much to cry about, what with all the creepy stuff that is going on our planet at any given moment.

People who manipulate others with a kind of mean and cruel intent suck ass. I am insanely tired of our lack of tolerance for feelings from babies to people who are not really able to mask, hide, present a supposed calm front, basically have to be something other than who and what they are for the acceptance of someone else or else!.

I am absolutely weary with the weight of us not being able to be who we are when we are. Mmhmm, yes very professional and heavily rewarded for being so, makes me wretch and feel deeply sad. I mean I do agree, not to abuse others or oneself with anything but all this pressure to present as other to how one feels is just cancer, heart attacks, baldness, obesity etc in the making. How much longer will it be if someone, anyone is crying the input and reflection they receive is, "Dont cry, please stop crying"? Yikes. Why not let a body cry until it is done, what is the big hatred for emotions really stemming from?

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 7

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 3:47:17 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

We're just honest..period. That doesn't mean we are to the point we hurt each other though. It doesn't mean we're brutal about it. It just means we share our lives with each other because we care enough about each other to want to do so.

(in reply to heartcream)

Post #: 8

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 4:22:55 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you're talking radical honesty no. Nor is it that I get to act on my emotions. It means I just have to share them with him. I don't hug my side of the bed avoiding touching him when angry, nor do I yell and throw things. I just have to tell him that "You promised me you would do x and now I have to do it early tomorrow and tomorrow is a really stressful day so I am angry because you blew me off". More than that, since those kinds of situations don't happen much here, it just means I have to tell him when I feel lonely, insecure, etc. If I need reassurance I am to ask for it. I don't worry about being too 'needy' because I have to tell him when I feel this way.

It also comes up playwise, when I have to tell him I'm not into it, and if I can, why not. Since he feeds on the energy transfer, he will be disappointed if I'm not into it and better if I tell him ahead of time. Far better of course if I can say I'm frazzled and need a half hour nap first.

However it does, or can, contradict obedience and/or service. For d types who want obedience with a smile, you can't get that when they are upset and obligated not to pretend not to be. I can do things, but I am not allowed to pretend I'm fine with it when I'm not, no matter the reason.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 4:47:02 AM

ShoreBound149

Posts: 622
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

Gotta have it...

Suppressed feelings are the "silent killer" in relationships. They manifest themselves into bad things.

Emotional transparency is the regular MRI that reveals little things and allow them to be fixed before they become big things.

_____________________________

"People don't think it be like it is, but it do."

Oscar Gamble

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 10

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 5:27:03 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

I like this:

Gotta have it...

Suppressed feelings are the "silent killer" in relationships. They manifest themselves into bad things.

Emotional transparency is the regular MRI that reveals little things and allow them to be fixed before they become big things. (Shorebound)

and this:

If you're talking radical honesty no. Nor is it that I get to act on my emotions. It means I just have to share them with him. I don't hug my side of the bed avoiding touching him when angry, nor do I yell and throw things. I just have to tell him that "You promised me you would do x and now I have to do it early tomorrow and tomorrow is a really stressful day so I am angry because you blew me off". More than that, since those kinds of situations don't happen much here, it just means I have to tell him when I feel lonely, insecure, etc. If I need reassurance I am to ask for it. I don't worry about being too 'needy' because I have to tell him when I feel this way.

It also comes up playwise, when I have to tell him I'm not into it, and if I can, why not. Since he feeds on the energy transfer, he will be disappointed if I'm not into it and better if I tell him ahead of time. Far better of course if I can say I'm frazzled and need a half hour nap first.

However it does, or can, contradict obedience and/or service. For d types who want obedience with a smile, you can't get that when they are upset and obligated not to pretend not to be. I can do things, but I am not allowed to pretend I'm fine with it when I'm not, no matter the reason. (DesFIP)

I tend to be leery of anyone who is too worried about being manipulated by emotions. You can only be manipulated by emotions if you allow yourself to be.

Anyone who expected me to ALWAYS behave with emotional composure would be sorely disappointed.

Which means I really do not at all agree with this statement:

. . . in the wrong hands is an excuse to act out in any emotively outrageous way so long as it's "true" to the individual's feelings. It's a kind of contradiction to being able to calmly and informatively address issues with complete honesty while still being able to exercise composure. (NZ)

Emotions, whatever they may be, are true and need to be validated. BUT, and this is a big but, that you have emotion does not mean you have to act on it. Admittedly, it takes a very firm emotional hand to calm someone who is in an emotional frenzy, but it can be done. In order to do that successfully, I think the couple needs to have enough mutual respect so they are not always pushing what I would call "bad emotional buttons." They are "on the same side" no matter what emotional hiccup they are currently dealing with.

If you get where you are not on the same side, I agree that emotional transparency can be painful.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to ShoreBound149)

Post #: 11

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 5:37:19 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

Yes, emotional transparency can cut both ways.... a good thing or a bad thing.
Yes, it can be misused by those with personalities inclined to use emotions as weapons, or to manipulate others.

I can't speak from the Dominants POV, but from my own it's been a difficult struggle to show my emotions.
I can talk "about" them. I can sense them. I can know my emotions internally and INTIMATELY. But, often I'm afraid of showing them --- ESPECIALLY to the people most important to me.

What I am learning is that if I am EVER to be totally owned... to completely open and surrender myself to my future R/T Dominant -- Which IS without a doubt what I crave, hunger for, and need -- I must become emotionally transparent to Him. It's a struggle to surrender these things I guard and hold back from the people I love. But somewhere I have to find the courage if I am to have the relationship I deeply want.

If He is to OWN me, it means He owns ALL of me.
Owned -- Body, Heart, Mind and spirit.
Holding back, means I'm holding out on Him.

this is just my opinion. Hope it was helpful?

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 12

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 5:51:26 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

I think "emotional transparency" is a popular subcultural catch-phrase for a simpler word, honesty. People do vary in how honest they think they should be in any sort of relationship, but the fact that someone coined a special multi-syllabaic phrase for it and that it caught on like wildfire in the bdsm world says a lot to me about it's value (or rarity) in actual life.

If you want to read up on this, you might want to try searching an online bookstore for titles with "Honesty" in them. I know that wouldn't give a specific bdsm perspective, but with catchy ideas and memes, it can sometimes be useful to see what the non-cult or non-niche-group view is on the same matters: it provides perspective.

I agree with the people who are saying that with emotional transparency comes sometimes very ugly emotions. Yes, they are crass, and yes coming from a submissive they can be displeasing, but that seems necessary in extreme power-exchange relationships for this reason: if you expect to have a chance in hell of controlling someone you have got to KNOW them (knowledge really is power in this game) and you cannot know them, truly know their motivations, their weak spots, their obessions, their fears, their vantes, their illusions, their grasp of reality, or even their strongest points if you do not permit full disclouse in whatever way it happens to come out. If you censor the manner of disclousure you may also be censoring the content, the information about them that you need, because some people cannot express certain loaded things in ways that are "appropriately" calm or pleasing. Some things only come out in vents. Once you've acquired this knowledge, once you know the submissive through and through, you can start to change her manner of expression. That's just a matter of exerting discipline (the word "just" is a joke, of course--there's a complex art behind this). But initially, anyway, I think if you want complete disclousure, want to know everything, you need to be prepared for it to come in some odd or annoying "packaging."

Not all dominants need or want to know everything about their submissives. And sometimes that can work--with the right sort of submissive.

...

I was curious and wiki'd the phrase. It's either so new (actually, it's at least 12 years old--that's when I first started hearing it) or so subcultural that it hasn't even made it's way into the 'peadia yet. Maybe you could contribute the first article, abuddingdom! :D

< Message edited by CaringandReal -- 10/1/2009 5:55:07 AM >

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 13

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 5:58:01 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Hello,
After years as a therapist and even more years in my own therapy, I know pretty much why I do everything that I do... and how to get past anything negative. Not 100% but darned close. Knowing why doesn't necessarily help the reaction except that I understand it and am not in a state of confusion.

For the person on the M-side of the slashy, it is a really wonderful tool to have someone who is so self aware, if that tool is wanted! I for one don't believe in re-inventing the wheel when at all possible. When I'm really sad, it helps to have me do something really creative. That's good info to have. Why I'm sad, well who wants to know that it's because x, y, or z reminded me of something in the past.

I fnd emotional transperancy very difficult though. I'm a deeply private person, and I have not found the balance between sharing myself and keeping nonsense to myself. Plus I rather prefer to keep things to myself Where is the middle ground? I don't know yet. At some point I hope I will.

One of my best friends said to me, "Sunshine, we'ver been friends for ten years. You have never once mentioned your family. Do you even have a family?" Friendly does not equal transparent. How's all that? Dreadfully boring, all my inner workings. That's what I think. ymmv

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 14

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 6:07:51 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

Emotional transparency and Honesty are NOT equivalent terms!

I Do NOT lie, I'm just uncomfortable showing my emotions.
I'm as honest as any human being I've EVER known.
Just because someone fears the reactions to the showing of their emotions is ALSO an honest behavior.

Geesh!

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 15

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 6:17:05 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

I agree with all this:

What I am learning is that if I am EVER to be totally owned... to completely open and surrender myself to my future R/T Dominant -- Which IS without a doubt what I crave, hunger for, and need -- I must become emotionally transparent to Him. It's a struggle to surrender these things I guard and hold back from the people I love. But somewhere I have to find the courage if I am to have the relationship I deeply want.

If He is to OWN me, it means He owns ALL of me.
Owned -- Body, Heart, Mind and spirit.
Holding back, means I'm holding out on Him.

Emotional transparency and Honesty are NOT equivalent terms! (Willowspirit)

I agree with the people who are saying that with emotional transparency comes sometimes very ugly emotions. Yes, they are crass, and yes coming from a submissive they can be displeasing, but that seems necessary in extreme power-exchange relationships for this reason: if you expect to have a chance in hell of controlling someone you have got to KNOW them (knowledge really is power in this game) and you cannot know them, truly know their motivations, their weak spots, their obessions, their fears, their vantes, their illusions, their grasp of reality, or even their strongest points if you do not permit full disclouse in whatever way it happens to come out. If you censor the manner of disclousure you may also be censoring the content, the information about them that you need, because some people cannot express certain loaded things in ways that are "appropriately" calm or pleasing. Some things only come out in vents. Once you've acquired this knowledge, once you know the submissive through and through, you can start to change her manner of expression. That's just a matter of exerting discipline (the word "just" is a joke, of course--there's a complex art behind this). But initially, anyway, I think if you want complete disclousure, want to know everything, you need to be prepared for it to come in some odd or annoying "packaging." (CaringandReal)

Thanks to the OP, most excellent thread !

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 16

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:20:52 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

We do it, and I'm glad for it. I've defined it to others, very very simply, as not only mutual rigorous honesty but also, when needed , mutually baring and explaining feelings , pro or con, and directly and possibly at times bluntly but not brutally. I'd like to hear more about it from folks like us, please, and maybe even be pointed in the direction of some reading material......

i strive for transparency in my relationships. i believe that honesty is generally warranted and i try to be forthright about my emotions as well. however, openness is never done at the expense of common sense and temperance. i am not an overly emotional person. i'm very rational and more mentally oriented. i believe one can share in this way without becoming a well spring of emotions that threatens to spill over at any given moment. i have found that to be counterproductive to the tranquility and order i've come to enjoy. whenever i'm in the other frame of mind it is very disconcerting and more akin to teetering than expression. it is an unbalanced state that i'm not comfortable maintaining.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 17

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:44:36 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

We do it, and I'm glad for it. I've defined it to others, very very simply, as not only mutual rigorous honesty but also, when needed , mutually baring and explaining feelings , pro or con, and directly and possibly at times bluntly but not brutally. I'd like to hear more about it from folks like us, please, and maybe even be pointed in the direction of some reading material......

I have always believed in total honesty and expect nothing less from my partner. Will I be told somewhere down the line told something that may hurt? Possibly, but hopefully, this means that the one who tells me, values me, and this relationship. I can only hope that each other realizes the true intent of the statement and believe neither has any desire to hurt the other

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 18

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 8:04:27 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

We do it, and I'm glad for it. I've defined it to others, very very simply, as not only mutual rigorous honesty but also, when needed , mutually baring and explaining feelings , pro or con, and directly and possibly at times bluntly but not brutally. I'd like to hear more about it from folks like us, please, and maybe even be pointed in the direction of some reading material......

Emotional transparency can be used as a weapon to manipulate people but it does not have to be. There is a difference between being emotionally transparent and being emotionally indulgent. There is also a difference between being emotionally indulgent and emotionally manipulative. Can they all be mixed together into one combustible brew? Sure they can but they don't have to be. I am transparent about my emotions to those that I care about AND who I know will not use my own emotions as a weapon against me. As an example, "You're only showing your anger to make me feel guilty because I'm doing something you've said I can do but which you don't like me to do"...may indeed be true in the case of some people but I suspect that for most of us in this case, the anger may be related to something surrounding that which is going to be done rather than the act itself. Most of us show our emotions not to manipulate our partners but to let them know what we are feeling so they can learn those things that are likely to upset us or make us sad or make us happy or make us feel lonely. Not because we expect them to do anything in their overall behavior to change that for us but to be aware of it and to respect and not do things to add to it in the case of the bad emotions and perhaps do something more in the case of the good emotions to bring them on more often. Awareness of a partner's emotions is not building a life of behavior around those emotions but rather is a way of sharing in that person and their life. If you want composure, that doesn't necessarily translate to emotional guardedness or closing-off, it means having emotions and being mature enough to deal with them and expressing them in a way that suits the level of emotions. Not everything that evokes sadness has to evoke a crying jag that lasts for hours. At that point, you are engaging not in emotional transparency but emotional indulgence. If you wish or expect to stop your partner from doing something through the exposure to him/her of this crying jag, it is a combination of emotional indulgence and emotional manipulation.

Honesty, as noted, is a totally different creature from emotional transparency. If something at work has made me sad but I tell my submissive that it is she who has made me sad, I am being emotionally transparent...I've revealed my sadness...but I am being dishonesty in laying the cause of the sadness at her feet. Now as to my reasons for doing so, they can range from emotional manipulation through passive-aggressive maneuvering to outright cruelty. I'm certainly not being honest though.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 19

RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 8:07:21 AM

Cuffkinks

Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

I like this:

Gotta have it...

Suppressed feelings are the "silent killer" in relationships. They manifest themselves into bad things.

Emotional transparency is the regular MRI that reveals little things and allow them to be fixed before they become big things. (Shorebound)

and this:

If you're talking radical honesty no. Nor is it that I get to act on my emotions. It means I just have to share them with him. I don't hug my side of the bed avoiding touching him when angry, nor do I yell and throw things. I just have to tell him that "You promised me you would do x and now I have to do it early tomorrow and tomorrow is a really stressful day so I am angry because you blew me off". More than that, since those kinds of situations don't happen much here, it just means I have to tell him when I feel lonely, insecure, etc. If I need reassurance I am to ask for it. I don't worry about being too 'needy' because I have to tell him when I feel this way.

It also comes up playwise, when I have to tell him I'm not into it, and if I can, why not. Since he feeds on the energy transfer, he will be disappointed if I'm not into it and better if I tell him ahead of time. Far better of course if I can say I'm frazzled and need a half hour nap first.

However it does, or can, contradict obedience and/or service. For d types who want obedience with a smile, you can't get that when they are upset and obligated not to pretend not to be. I can do things, but I am not allowed to pretend I'm fine with it when I'm not, no matter the reason. (DesFIP)

For my relationship with my little girl...These two posts pretty much sum it up. I want complete transparency from her and I get it.
I accept the responsibility that comes from wanting it. My little girl knows that while I will play with her body and play with her mind, I won't play with her heart. Like every other part of her, her emotions are completly exposed to me, because they're safe and she knows it.

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 20

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