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RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 5:05:33 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Something to keep in mind:

When you're in a submissive mindset, but unsure, what you desperately want is for the Dominant to project certainty, to Tell You How It's Gonna Be.

When you AREN'T in a submissive mindset, and are unsure, what you desperately want is to be given some freedom, to Let You Decide For Yourself.

These mindsets are indistinguishable until after the fact.

Again, good luck.

Yep. Absolutely true.

If you haven't faced something like this as a submissive, it's easy to say or think, "Oh deep down inside I'd WANT him to be decisive, exercising his authority, making the decisions." Except the actual situation, god forbid if it occurs, is never that simple. Something like this rocks your reality, and while it is going on, you go through times where you feel equally and quite strongly both feelings: that you desperately want your freedom back and that you desperately want your dominant to take control. It's extremely confusing, and if it's hard for you personally to sort out what you really want, imagine how hard it is for someone outside of you to do so, even someone as close to you as your dominant is.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 41

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 7:41:33 AM

OsideGirl

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Joined: 7/1/2005
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My response is "It depends". With some people, the "taken" might work. With me it would back fire.

But, I will say your acknowledgement of what is going on and your willingness to put effort into your relationship says a lot about you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 42

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:05:43 PM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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~fast reply~

Well, in the end, whether or not I have made the right decision... allow her space or take charge forcefully... remains to be seen. Me personally, I'm a huge believer in success so I'll feel more confident about what was the right choice after success/failure happens. As it sits, Carol had last night to think on things then I'm sure a lot of bubbling in the background while she slept. This morning, she made mention of needing to not be my slave for at least a bit in order to find herself. Of course, I told her that was fine. But I also told her that was a one way trip. But I had always told her that the decision to not be my slave was irrevocable and she is already perilously close to that... in fact, I'm squinting really hard to not look at the details or I'd say it's already over with. I'm frankly torn between wanting to be pragmatic and allow her space versus wanting to hold the purity of MY personal conception of what it means to be a slave. And honestly, at this point, if I wanted to be a pill, she's already crossed the point of no return.

It was, I think, surprising to her to find out she was not the only one in decision making mode here. So then suddenly presented with the reality of the situation, she was much more interested in being my slave. I've told her to expect some difficult questions when she was ready to commit again. I may not accept her as my slave again no matter what she says, but at a minimum, she's going to need very solid answers to the following two questions:

a) What, exactly, does it mean to be my slave?
b) Why, specifically, is that a good thing?

It's become clear to me that the chink in the armor that allowed all the general stress to explode the way it did is that Carol is not really comfortable with the role "slave". She hasn't reconciled "doormat" and "slave" in her own heart. So the general stress in our lives found fertile ground there. There's still a lot of talk that needs to happen. I am heartened to hear her thinking in terms of soliciting input from other slaves (beth, you may be on cue for some correspondence -- Carol might be taking Merc up on his offer for "anything we can do"), not other subs. That kind of tells me where her head is at. But really, in relationship terms (M/s only, not marriage), what she's said to me is, "I may leave you. I'll get back to you when I've made a decision." That is a bitter pill to swallow as much as I understand the circumstances. I'm having to look very closely at where does the bathwater end and the baby begin.

So overall, things continue to clarify and I'm pretty sure at this point that she will want to be my slave. More problematic is whether I will treat this as disobedience or not. On one hand, for all her grumbling and criticisms, she has obeyed me... even when thoroughly angry at me. On the other hand, she's clearly not mine in her heart -- she is going through the motions and that's not really good enough. If I do decide it's disobedience, then it is the end of our M/s relationship. Much is going to depend on her answers to the above two questions.

God, this is like CM's daily soap opera... stay tuned for tomorrows Installment where Jane finds out she has incurable brain cancer with only two weeks to live just as her husband Bill starts an affair with his therapist.....

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 43

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:12:21 PM

mnottertail

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More problematic is whether I will treat this as disobedience or not.

I fail to see the disobedience......she is fucked up, told you about it, may not have handled it well, but the other way would have been to be gone without a hello goodbye kiss my ass or nothing...so........have you told her you want her to tell you whats inside? or is it a suck my cock and shut up situation? punish yourself then, because not exactly as it might have played in your head, she is doing that. Rather go out to a nice dinner, and tell her (as a learning exercise that she must speak to you on this subject (without your interruption) for say, 20 minutes an evening or any other subject, so this doesn't sneak up on you again (and I mean either of you).

My take, pal.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 44

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:19:53 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
then one, maybe 2 decisions that she disagreed with serving as the match to ignite the powerdkeg.

I know that in my relationship, this is where the meat hits the metal or where I put my money where my mouth is. It is pretty damn easy to do as I am told when I agree with his decision or want to do what I am told. It is when I disagree with his decision that it highlights just how much his authority permeates my entire life.

Luckily, I have someone to vent with (Alandra) and she will vent with me when we get to those times. Most of the time, just being able to unload the emotions and thoughts with someone else who isn't the authority figure helps put it all in perspective.

I also think about the big picture and not the specific event. Getting bogged down in the specific event causes me to lose perspective. I also make sure that I am focusing on what is best for the family and not just what I think is best for me. Those two things have helped me work past the stress of not liking/disagreeing with his decisions.

Knight's Kyra

I just wanted to highlight this because I've found that it's something that has held very true to me. With the move, does Carol have someone trusted that she can vent to who won't judge her? When Valyraen and I have issues, I still pick up the phone and go to my best friend. Once I've sorted through my issues and my emotions, then I can go back to Val with a clearer head and a better understanding of what I actually want and need. I really do need lifestyle friends and I think it would be really hard on me as his girl to move and not have the local connections.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 45

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:32:58 PM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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OP

One of my previous slave had similar thoughts about beeing a slave or not.
I liked her ( and loved her) a lott..and accepted this, because it is her choice...not really you can do something about ( accept or leave).
I discovered actually besides the word "slave" nothing changed. Not that much at least.
She still liked the things we did before. It was just her mind that wanted freedom.

But that was my situation, your is different..as all people are different

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 46

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:37:57 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

~fast reply~

snipped for brevity

So overall, things continue to clarify and I'm pretty sure at this point that she will want to be my slave. More problematic is whether I will treat this as disobedience or not. On one hand, for all her grumbling and criticisms, she has obeyed me... even when thoroughly angry at me. On the other hand, she's clearly not mine in her heart -- she is going through the motions and that's not really good enough. If I do decide it's disobedience, then it is the end of our M/s relationship. Much is going to depend on her answers to the above two questions.

my question has to do with the bolded portion of your post. Although i do not identify as a slave, if i were to call myself a slave and part of why i don't identify as such, i would require of myself absolute obedience, which seems to be the premise of your definition of slavery. Or that is what i have read from your repeated posts.

As i do not have the whole picture of what has been happening in your and Carol's relationship, i am basing my comments on your words alone. That being said, if she has done all you have asked her to do (to me that is the definition of obedience), how does her attitude while she is doing so (obeying you) somehow make an action that is in accordance with your will no longer in accordance with your will (disobedience). Do you have a "rule" that all of her actions must be done with a cheerful and positive attitude and only when everything she does is done with a cheerful and positive attitude is it "true" obedience?

If that is the case, then i think you may be hurting yourself with an unrealistic expectation. While i have a strict definition of what makes a slave a slave, even if i identified as a slave, i would never expect that all obedience would give me the warm and fuzzies, or that i would be joyfully obedient in all things. Obedient yes, joyfully obedient, absolutely not. i am not sure if that is humanly possible. There may be some out there who will never grumble or never being angry about what is being asked of them, but most of us have times when we struggle with our obedience and submission. And a lot of us from time to time have to fake it until we can make it.

heartfelt

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 10/7/2009 1:40:55 PM >

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 47

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:46:28 PM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
As i do not have the whole picture of what has been happening in your and Carol's relationship, i am basing my comments on your words alone. That being said, if she has done all you have asked her to do (to me that is the definition of obedience), how does her attitude while she is doing so (obeying you) somehow make an action that is in accordance with your will no longer in accordance with your will (disobedience). Do you have a "rule" that all of her actions must be done with a cheerful and positive attitude and only when everything she does is done with a cheerful and positive attitude is it "true" obedience?

Nope, I'm not that lost in fantasy. I get it that sometimes she's really not going to like the commands. But what's been going on here is that I've been getting obedience... but only to the barest letter of the law, not the spirit. Honestly it's not adequate performance. Really though, more than that, she agrees readily that she hasn't been my slave in her own heart for a few weeks now. I'm debating whether I consider that "slipping the collar".

I'm also struggling with keeping a careful eye on my own feelings of hurt here and not letting them force me into stupid decisions.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 48

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 1:58:07 PM

mnottertail

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
But what's been going on here is that I've been getting obedience... but only to the barest letter of the law, not the spirit. Honestly it's not adequate performance.

Can you find out WHY she feels like this? Let her talk for 15 hours, 100 hours ------ without interruption-------- if need be.

Her talking is a bird babbling at a brook, means nothing ...don't take anything personal......she is sorting emotion.......if you cannot get it clarified out the door as it were--------you are going to have to clarifiy it back in the door as it were...which is not an incentive to beg a collar even if she gets gets right with your world.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 49

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:00:50 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

So overall, things continue to clarify and I'm pretty sure at this point that she will want to be my slave. More problematic is whether I will treat this as disobedience or not. On one hand, for all her grumbling and criticisms, she has obeyed me... even when thoroughly angry at me. On the other hand, she's clearly not mine in her heart -- she is going through the motions and that's not really good enough. If I do decide it's disobedience, then it is the end of our M/s relationship. Much is going to depend on her answers to the above two questions.

She's still obeying you.........I *go through the motions* sometimes, too. I can't really see where the disobedience is.

If you actually DO want an M/s relationship with Carol, it seems as if you are cutting your nose off to spite your face by being so rigid.

I'm not really understanding why Carol having a wobble and questioning herself about it, in quite extreme circumstances, would cause you to pressure her further with the veiled threat of * I might not have you back anyway*.

I hate to say it but it's not all plain sailing and the way you handle this, how supportive you are and how much understanding you apply to it, will give her an indication of what to expect in the future, should other difficulties arise. The *one strike and the M/s is over* thing leaves no room for times like this, when all is in a state of flux. One thing I'll add , is that when there are significant changes in my life, I'm at my wobbliest and sometimes question everything. It passes though, and when I peer out of the mist, there he is with the * Ok girl, back on the horse then*

Your comment here..

Carol is not really comfortable with the role "slave". She hasn't reconciled "doormat" and "slave" in her own heart. So the general stress in our lives found fertile ground there.

.....says quite a lot. She not new to YOU, but she's quite new to the M/s as a formal dynamic.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 10/7/2009 2:48:02 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 50

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:03:11 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
As i do not have the whole picture of what has been happening in your and Carol's relationship, i am basing my comments on your words alone. That being said, if she has done all you have asked her to do (to me that is the definition of obedience), how does her attitude while she is doing so (obeying you) somehow make an action that is in accordance with your will no longer in accordance with your will (disobedience). Do you have a "rule" that all of her actions must be done with a cheerful and positive attitude and only when everything she does is done with a cheerful and positive attitude is it "true" obedience?

Nope, I'm not that lost in fantasy. I get it that sometimes she's really not going to like the commands. But what's been going on here is that I've been getting obedience... but only to the barest letter of the law, not the spirit. Honestly it's not adequate performance. Really though, more than that, she agrees readily that she hasn't been my slave in her own heart for a few weeks now. I'm debating whether I consider that "slipping the collar".

I'm also struggling with keeping a careful eye on my own feelings of hurt here and not letting them force me into stupid decisions.

Thank you for responding. That makes it clearer. Obviously the decision on this is up to the two of you, i just wanted to comment that your last paragraph sounds very wise. i am hoping that this situation causes both of you to reaffirm that you do want a M/s relationship.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 51

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:20:44 PM

DesFIP

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As I mentioned in the emotional transparency thread, there are times when obedience and the heart/mind are at odds. You cannot expect her to always believe in her heart and mind that you've made the right choice unless you are willing to change your decision if necessary so she can believe it.

If this is the problem, that you expect her to be enthusiastic always about your decisions, then you've caused this problem. Because it will never happen. If you want obedience more than you want her heart, then go for that and be glad she did obey the letter of the law. If you want her fully behind you without disagreement, then you can't have obedience 24/7.

Which do you want? And which does she need?

Anyway, I do think that most of this is due to the move. And I suggest you tabling your decisions until you've dealt with the new stresses. As I said, when he moved here everything stopped for about six months and then picked right back up. At that point it was because of the stress to him. Last spring I was not in my mind or heart happy with this for some weeks, I did the bare minimum and as long as I could do that, he was fine with it until we worked stuff out.

You're being too hard on both of you to expect everything to go seamlessly right after the move. And by saying if she wants out for a few weeks she can't get it back, you may find the baby so to speak, walking out on you permanently. Consider this a vacation until you're ready to get back to work. Which means after the stress of the move is done.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/7/2009 2:43:21 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 52

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:26:59 PM

Missokyst

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This is the part that would worry me the most. You have said a couple of things such as "I am so glad I own you." and below "getting obedience.. but not in spirit", that bring me back to my own revolution.

For me it became a matter of needing to feel as if I was more than a possession. Possessions can be cherieshed but while I love my car but if it would fail tomorrow I would be ok without it. What I wanted was to know that what I felt, mattered to my ex-husband. But time and again I was reduced to being property. Some people find this hot, but at that point in our marriage it was not enough.

I was given the choice, comply or exit. I chose to end things.

You may be thinking you are supporting her now but I can almost gaurauntee she is feeling your frustration at HER not producing an adequate performance and for so many of us the reaction would be to pull further away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Nope, I'm not that lost in fantasy. I get it that sometimes she's really not going to like the commands. But what's been going on here is that I've been getting obedience... but only to the barest letter of the law, not the spirit. Honestly it's not adequate performance. Really though, more than that, she agrees readily that she hasn't been my slave in her own heart for a few weeks now. I'm debating whether I consider that "slipping the collar".

I'm also struggling with keeping a careful eye on my own feelings of hurt here and not letting them force me into stupid decisions.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 53

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:34:40 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

This is the part that would worry me the most. You have said a couple of things such as "I am so glad I own you." and below "getting obedience.. but not in spirit", that bring me back to my own revolution.

For me it became a matter of needing to feel as if I was more than a possession. Possessions can be cherieshed but while I love my car but if it would fail tomorrow I would be ok without it. What I wanted was to know that what I felt, mattered to my ex-husband. But time and again I was reduced to being property. Some people find this hot, but at that point in our marriage it was not enough.

I was given the choice, comply or exit. I chose to end things.

You may be thinking you are supporting her now but I can almost gaurauntee she is feeling your frustration at HER not producing an adequate performance and for so many of us the reaction would be to pull further away.

Leadership, Missokyst brings up a very good point. Something I had to learn, and keep reminding myself....... a submissive person HATES disappointing their owner/master/mistress/dominant. They will be far more hard on themselves than anyone else could possibly be.

From the other side of the slash, I had a hard time understanding this or even believing it. I simply know when I have done my best, when I am right, and if the other person is upset or disappointed............too effing bad! It doesn't work the same way with any s-type I have ever talked to.

I can totally see her feeling she has let you down and disappointed you, thinking that because she has........she shouldn't be your slave. Granted this is just a shot in the dark, but keep this in mind when giving absolutes. Be sure that she doesn't want slavery because she really doesn't want it, not because she doesn't think she is good enough or deserving enough to be your slave.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 54

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:52:42 PM

ranja

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I would say forget about the collar for a while, be a good dominant husband and take your submissive wife dancing...
Do they do ceroc in Canada? look for venues... it is sooo much fun, good music and you get to lead her on the dance floor at least... also makes you meet many fun loving people... good way to get settled into your new life...

good luck

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 55

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 2:53:49 PM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

More problematic is whether I will treat this as disobedience or not.

I fail to see the disobedience......she is fucked up, told you about it, may not have handled it well, but the other way would have been to be gone without a hello goodbye kiss my ass or nothing...so........have you told her you want her to tell you whats inside? or is it a suck my cock and shut up situation? punish yourself then, because not exactly as it might have played in your head, she is doing that. Rather go out to a nice dinner, and tell her (as a learning exercise that she must speak to you on this subject (without your interruption) for say, 20 minutes an evening or any other subject, so this doesn't sneak up on you again (and I mean either of you).

My take, pal.

Ron

That and this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Can you find out WHY she feels like this? Let her talk for 15 hours, 100 hours ------ without interruption-------- if need be.

Her talking is a bird babbling at a brook, means nothing ...don't take anything personal......she is sorting emotion.......if you cannot get it clarified out the door as it were--------you are going to have to clarifiy it back in the door as it were...which is not an incentive to beg a collar even if she gets gets right with your world.

Ron

For you to go from where you were to where you are, it seems as though there was a tremendous gap/breakdown in communication.
Regardless of what does or does not happen in the future you both need to repair that.

Furthermore (and this very much surprises me) even though you say you love her in any capacity, it sounds as though her you are responding to the revelation that she has doubts in an almost punitive fashion...perhaps because you are feeling hurt.
My read on that may be all wrong.

Also, I am wondering if her reluctance is being fueled not by her lack of desire, but by the thought/feeling cycle of her not being able to do it well enough.
If she felt as though she is failing you as a slave, would she want to continue?

And in a way out there bit, you and she had been discussing the possibility of poly?
Did that idea cause her to worry about losing you and does she have M/s and poly connected in her mind...?

I wish you both well.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 56

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 3:01:03 PM

heartfeltsub

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In conjunction with this line of thought, i wanted to pass on an additional thought. As i have said in some previous posts, i am a Christian and some of my viewpoints stem from that belief. The reason i mention in this thread it this, as a Christian, it is my belief that part of being a Christian is obeying what Jesus tells me to do, just like to me part of identifying as a slave would require me to obey everything that is asked of me. There are times that i don't like what Jesus tells me to do, "love my enemies" immediately comes to mind, and while i struggle to obey, griping, complaining, yelling, screaming as i go. That does not change whether or not i am a Christian, i am still trying to follow and obey Jesus. Neither does struggling to obey a human's command, make a person any less of a slave. Ultimately obedience was the end result.

A slave in heart, like being a Christian in heart, those emotions change depending on how hard the command is. i don't know if you have ever asked Carol to do anything as hard as what you have recently asked her to do or anything that she has disagreed with as much. That may be at the heart of what you are experiencing, as well as any loneliness, home sickness, feelings of displacement, etc.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 57

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 4:04:57 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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~fast reply~
To those who are seeing my decision process as punitive, I'm forced to wonder how you'd respond if this post were the other way around. If I was some submissive posting that my master came to me and said, out of the blue, "Hey babe, maybe I'm gonna release you. I'll let you know in a few days." I'm thinking the responses would not have been exactly identical.

Regardless, Carol understands that this is nothign more than the same thing as always with me. I don't bluff. I laid down some very strict guidelines about being my slave. She has either flirted with the edge or sailed past the boundary entirely depending on my viewpoint. I made it very clear that while she always had the option to stop being mine, that it was a one way trip. Now, we are at that cross roads. Yup, I love her. Yup, I value her input and opinions. But none of that means I am wishy-washy.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 58

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 4:18:38 PM

heartfeltsub

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Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

While i concur that some of the comments would be different if the situation were reversed, as i for one would not have commented at all, as we do not know all of the guidelines that are required for Carol to be your slave, my comments have been based on what i do know about you and Carol's relationship, which is not much. The only thing that i have personally seen, is your one act of deliberate disobedience ends the M/s relationship, not the marriage or other aspects of your relationship with Carol, but the M/s portion of it. That was part of my point, when i asked if you required something more than physical obedience, which you said that Carol did in fact do. While the one strike you are out option is not one that everyone subscribes to, you have the right to chose to base your M/s relationship on whatever premise you wish.

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 59

RE: To take or not? - 10/7/2009 5:27:40 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I was given the choice, comply or exit. I chose to end things.

You may be thinking you are supporting her now but I can almost gaurauntee she is feeling your frustration at HER not producing an adequate performance and for so many of us the reaction would be to pull further away.

Leadership, Missokyst brings up a very good point. Something I had to learn, and keep reminding myself....... a submissive person HATES disappointing their owner/master/mistress/dominant. They will be far more hard on themselves than anyone else could possibly be.

I can totally see her feeling she has let you down and disappointed you, thinking that because she has........she shouldn't be your slave. Granted this is just a shot in the dark, but keep this in mind when giving absolutes. Be sure that she doesn't want slavery because she really doesn't want it, not because she doesn't think she is good enough or deserving enough to be your slave.

I've not read all the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating something that's already been said.    But LaTigresse and Missokyst make excellent points.

From my own personal experience, I was given a choice to go with him back to the other side of the country or stay where I had brought my kids back to raise and be with family.    I chose to stay.   I didn't want the choice. I wanted and needed him to make the choice for us. I had never felt so much like being between a rock and hard place as I was at that moment.    But I knew once I made the choice, there was no going back.   He had given me an absolute.

I have never been able to handle very easily feeling like I've not lived up to my end of the deal or have caused disappointment or failed at something.   There is no worse critic on me than me.   I can certainly understand if she is having these same feelings.

I certainly wish you both well and that you are able to work through this.    Best wishes and good feelings to you both.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 60

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