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expression - 3/5/2006 12:28:18 AM

defiant

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/30/2004
Status: offline

Lost for 5 years now. Always lurking and agonizing over how to quell this fascination. Lurking. Hiding. Skirting this subject with people within proximity yields off color looks. Remain silent.

I was so excited when I discovered this avenue. It legitimized the flashes of erotica that my mind inflicted on me. These visions that crept up on me without my permission and excited me beyond reason. Angry that there is no answer. Unable to find semantic content in the contradictions of my thoughts and actions. I can not live this as a lifestyle. This is only sexual for me. Look for Eve elsewhere only Lilith resides here. Lilith. Taunting me with her fate.

Sex is over for me in any tangible way now. Only pain can excite me. The thought of gratuitious sex with my husband is repulsive. My best friend. My ally. My only reason for existance has been excluded from my sensuality for six years now. I could never ask him to be the deviant I need. It would be coerced and worthless. The errant personalty I seek could never reticulate with me outside of the sheets. Implausible, ludicrous contradictions.

When my family is raised I dream that I can pursue becoming a spinster. Asexual and focusing on the many other things in life that intrigue me. Eager to forget this complicated, impossible to analyze, brainstem function gone amok. Tired of its implications and misshapen puzzle pieces that fit nowhere in my reality. Sick of sacrifice for the sake of my own principles. Shell-shocked principles retreating to a safe place when my fiction comes out to play.

Can I be the only one who feels this way? Venting complete, please forgive my whining.

Post #: 1

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 12:40:14 AM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

Every person must choose their own path to happiness. For me, it has come from embracing this part of myself.

I hope whatever paths you choose bring you joy and peace.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 2

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 12:42:12 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Everything is a choice. Not everyone makes the same choices, but no, you are not alone in what you think or feel.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 3

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 2:29:43 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

You have a talent for expressing your thoughts with the written word so hopefully this is the first of many future posts. Welcome to the Forums, btw....

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path. I'd say 5 of the 8 or so subs I've met off the Net have explored their submissive needs after the break-up of a vanilla marriage - they've discovered their true self rather than what society expects in general....

Sounds like you're still, errrr, "comfortably"(?) married but it doen't necessarily fulfill your physical/emotional needs. From my Dom's perspective, I've long since rationalised D/s as a personal primal need even though dominating/submitting isn't socially acceptable in vanilla's theoretical egalitarian dynamic.

So you decide who you live for and with - yourself or society. Obviously kids especially and a hubby are a major part of your life but that doesn't mean you hafta live in frustrated denial of the sub (or Domme?) within.... But it does mean you have life decisions beckoning, regardless. Even posting on a Board with other like-minded people is an outlet. Where you choose to go from there is entirely up to you.

BDSM does NOT mean having to give up your family or integrity - and it's NOT a disease, though I can't say the same of some who dwell in the lifestyle.... You might still start with the hubby, though! Vanilla or not, you chose him as your hubby for some reason; he might surprise you. And if not, just how long can you go on with what seems like almost a sham relationship, even if you get along in other ways. Whatever, I wish you well with your current and impending choices....

Focus.

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 4

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 4:39:25 AM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Man, do I know that feeling. Your OP could have been my first post here.

then I was served papers, now I'm having enjoyable sex again, and I have been set freeeeeeeeeeeee (kinda...... lol)

Anyone who has kids and divorced understands the "kinda" part....

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 5

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 5:02:10 AM

chadra

Posts: 32
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I could never ask him to be the deviant I need.

I intimately understand the fear you've described. It's paralyzing. You're not alone.

Nobody can advise you on what or what not to do about this, because only you know your husband, your relationship, and your situation. Sometimes, a person has that conversation and it turns out so well, she cries with relief. Other times, the discussion can and does end with absolute heartbreak. Only you can evaluate the risk and decide.

My only suggestion is this: Do not take action in any way when gripped with emotion. If you ever do choose to discuss this with him, be in a very self-possessed frame of mind. Get counseling to help you be in that frame of mind, if necessary, and know exactly what it is you ask of him.

Nothing about this situation is easy. I wish you the very best of luck with finding the right path for your own life.

respectfully,
chadra

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 6

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 6:20:48 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiant

Sex is over for me in any tangible way now. Only pain can excite me. The thought of gratuitious sex with my husband is repulsive. My best friend. My ally. My only reason for existance has been excluded from my sensuality for six years now. I could never ask him to be the deviant I need. It would be coerced and worthless. The errant personalty I seek could never reticulate with me outside of the sheets. Implausible, ludicrous contradictions.

When my family is raised I dream that I can pursue becoming a spinster. Asexual and focusing on the many other things in life that intrigue me. Eager to forget this complicated, impossible to analyze, brainstem function gone amok. Tired of its implications and misshapen puzzle pieces that fit nowhere in my reality. Sick of sacrifice for the sake of my own principles. Shell-shocked principles retreating to a safe place when my fiction comes out to play.

I certainly understand coming to the realization that what you have in your life isn't matching with what your brain is telling you that you need. I've been there. However, I am a bit concerned about your wording when you talk about sex being "repulsive" and wanting to be "asexual". Is that a new feeling for you? When you say that "only pain can excite me", how do you define "excitement"?

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 7

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 7:12:00 AM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline

I am sorry to hear you do not feel you can share your deepest feelings with your husband. I imagine most of us who have been married have undergone the very same emotions. I felt I could never mention my desires to my wife yet she understood perfectly and even helped me explore. You married the man for a reason you must love him.

Have you tried renting DVD's of this nature? there is a great posting on Collar me listing 100's of awesome "Vanilla" Movies you may wish to explore. Perhaps when you share your desires slowly through a couple of movies and discuss what is going on on screen with your husband he may be interested. Don't worry he will probably be as excited as you to actually be opening the door to "Eroticism" .

Good luck and I hate to think of you having to be an "asexual spinster" ,share with him, give both of You a chance and You may both be sharing a fantasy soon.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 8

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 8:13:40 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path.

It isn't just the "new" female submissives. It isn't just those who explore this 'lifestyle'.

You hit the nail on the head in regards people are conditioned to follow that "traditional path" & it is ANYONE who deviates from that path that will feel guilty, tainted, freakish or fictional as the OP expressed.

Yes others have felt as you do, yes others feel as you do. These buried feelings, whatever they may be (those things that deviate from that traditional path) will scream out & not allow you to suppress them eventually. Too often when a persons abnegates these aspects of self they will have much more negative thoughts enter their minds... including self destruction.

Venting is good, but it will only offer you temporary release. You have taken off a little of the pressure, but that pressure will build again & in what way, in what direction or in what form will you release next time?

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 9

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 9:05:16 AM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path. I'd say 5 of the 8 or so subs I've met off the Net have explored their submissive needs after the break-up of a vanilla marriage - they've discovered their true self rather than what society expects in general....

Focus.

I am one of those who didn't find my true self until after a marriage of 13 years. I would have never been able to talk to him about this lifestyle, nor would I have tried to make him change who he was.

You don't need to give up your principles or your family for this lifestyle. I don't think I could ever be asexual. I am who I am and after my divorce I didn't have to worry about changing someone. I knew I could find a man who had the same thoughts as myself. No need to sacrifice anything. My friends and family still love me, although only my children know what I do. I do hope that you can find some happiness. You state that your husband is your best friend, so there must be some feelings for him. At least you have some time to think it through before you make such a drastic change.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 10

RE: expression - 3/5/2006 11:46:23 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I feel for you defiant. I was in that situation several years ago, except i did go outside my marriage to satisfy my longing. Hubby found out and after a long talk He said he understood, forgave me and is now my Master giving me most of what i need. My only regret is not discussing it with Him first. He really surprised me with his reaction. Are you sure your spouse won't understand?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 11

RE: expression - 3/6/2006 3:48:46 PM

MarinaBlack

Posts: 121
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Wow.
That was an amazing piece of writing. Thank you for sharing that with us.
It saddens me that you feel you cannot express this with your life-partner, but I don't know him or you and do not judge. I only feel the pain and frustration in your words and they have moved me.

Perhaps through some inner work you may discover a positive outlet for your feelings and be able to share this with your husband. Maybe not. In any case I do hope you find a solution for your dilema and suggest that you do some more writing. I suspect you might even get published.

Be Well.

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 12

RE: expression - 3/12/2006 4:59:18 AM

defiant

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/30/2004
Status: offline

My brethren! "Thank you" feels like a simplification of my gratitude for your words. I add them to my essence. For the time being they shall remain in the perpetual word salad I claim as my thoughts. Eventually the correct sequence will float to the surface as an answer....I hope. All of you are too kind. I am with sincerity, obliged.

(in reply to MarinaBlack)

Post #: 13

RE: expression - 3/12/2006 11:05:43 AM

DelightMachine

Posts: 652
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I can not live this as a lifestyle. This is only sexual for me. ...

Sex is over for me in any tangible way now. Only pain can excite me. The thought of gratuitious sex with my husband is repulsive. My best friend. My ally. My only reason for existance has been excluded from my sensuality for six years now. I could never ask him to be the deviant I need. It would be coerced and worthless. The errant personalty I seek could never reticulate with me outside of the sheets. Implausible, ludicrous contradictions.

When my family is raised I dream that I can pursue becoming a spinster. Asexual and focusing on the many other things in life that intrigue me. Eager to forget this complicated, impossible to analyze, brainstem function gone amok. Tired of its implications and misshapen puzzle pieces that fit nowhere in my reality. Sick of sacrifice for the sake of my own principles. Shell-shocked principles retreating to a safe place when my fiction comes out to play.

Can I be the only one who feels this way? Venting complete, please forgive my whining.

1. It can't be whining if it's from the heart and it's important. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing you can just suck up and go on with.

2. The way you refer to sex with your husband and the way you describe your relationship with him don't add up. That's why so many people posting here have suggested marriage counseling, and I strongly agree with them. Either there's some important element you left out of what you chose to tell us or there's something false in your attitude toward sex with him and toward him. Do get help, and consider whether it needs to go beyond marriage counseling to sex counseling or individual counseling.

3. I agree with the other people here who said you can often be surprised by how much understanding you get from a loved one when you present your problem to that person.

4. I have no idea whatever what you mean by "gratuitous sex" with a husband. I suppose it can happen, but if it's an expression of love, it ain't gratuitous. "Gratuitous" sex is an expression from literary or movie criticism, talking about sex scenes that don't advance the overall theme of the art. Sex with a spouse is a natural part of the marriage. Or is it that you want gratuitous sex with some one who could "never reticulate with me outside the sheets" because you want a deviant, "errant personality"? Sounds like a fantasy you want to act out, like a rape fantasy. Do you seriously want to play around with an errant personality? Or is this part of the "Implausable, ludicrous contradictions" running through your head and heart?

If your sexual fantasies are pounding on you this hard, then please listen to all of us who suggest marriage counseling and individual counseling. This is not something to face alone or just with online advice, especially something that's hit you with the force you describe.

What you've got with your husband is something to be valued and strengthened, not weakened and possibly destroyed by going behind his back. I get the impression you don't believe he's capable of engaging in BDSM play. Is he worth being patient with on that? Is it worth breaking up over?

5. Why is sex over with you and only pain can excite you? You don't explain that and I'm totally confused by it.

Yes, I feel a lot of these things too. Some I put out of my mind for my own good, some I act out (sometimes smartly, sometimes stupidly), some I compartmentalize, some I integrate into my life. Good luck with it.

_____________________________

I'd rather be in
Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 14

RE: expression - 3/12/2006 11:51:51 AM

CERCKL

Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

For the time being they shall remain in the perpetual word salad I claim as my thoughts. Eventually the correct sequence will float to the surface as an answer....I hope.

I read your initial post and then this statement...to Myself, self-awareness is very important and the confusion, chaos and misery caused by not following your path is worst than any hell imagined.
I have come from a long relationship and marriage, to emerge in a self-creation aligned to who I am. My own case was at the time I was discovering my dominant traits, desires and aspects (only partially sexual) I fell in love with a woman with two small children and went down a path which took me further from myself than I had ever allowed myself to... I had always been a very strong, compelling individual, even in the self-destruction of my youth; I had drwan those I had respect for who stated what an intense person I was; I had never cared what others thought, felt or saw in me in an attempt to be true to myself and my vision...this had also started to manifest me in certain 'BDSM' desires physically which when experienced was recognized as correct...but I also owned my Dominant traits in other manners than just sexual. These aspects are what had drwan my ex to me, the fact that I mentored, taught, compeeled her to be true to herself, to become who I saw her capable of...unfortunately, during this process I lost myself and not in a metephysical manner, recognizing the 'Divine' within but rather in an attempt to become who she thought I needed to be, to be a good partner, husband, father, etc...
By stepping away from myself I caused more misery, more confusion in our relationship...it caused us to become seperated emotionally. She continued to grow on the path I had set her upon but I had become paralyzed, lost. I no longer was but rather spent my time trying to second guess who she wanted and in the process caused us both to be miserable...eventually she stepped away and now we are in the process of seperating. In some ways I feel loss from what was glimpsed in the beginning and in most ways I feel release...she is who I envisioned and I am proud in what and who I was responsible for creating and I am free to become Myself with out having to second guess My Self.
The main suggestion I can offer is focus. Your word are ambiguous, floating with in yourself and looking for release, for form...you have the answers you need with in already, now you have to grant your self permission to realize that...it is difficult when this awareness comes during a time of being involved with others but you do more harm in gagging and binding yourself than to awaken and follow your path. If your husband is as close of a friend as you have stated then he will want you to be whole also. All change is shadowed with fear but fear is a self-creation and never as bad as the reality of walking to where you need to be...I hope you find the path you need to step through this insecurity and recognize the beauty and fulfillment of self awareness.
C

Mind is only perception; and perception is movement in consciousness. The expression of this movement is action, and fruition follows this. Mind is an intention arising in the omnipotent and infinite consciousness. It stands between the real and the unreal, as it were. but inclined towards comprehension. Though non-different from the infinate consciousness, it thinks that it is. Though non-doing, it thinks that it does.

Vasistha's Yoga

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to DelightMachine)

Post #: 15

RE: expression - 3/12/2006 8:18:18 PM

defiant

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/30/2004
Status: offline

Your criticism, although constructive at times, had a punitive feel to it. Maybe your disdain for what I wrote is not necessarily a concern for my mental health or my use of pop-culture catch phrases? I shall make a note that my thoughts may be signs that I should seek "help".

< Message edited by defiant -- 3/12/2006 8:19:48 PM >

(in reply to DelightMachine)

Post #: 16

RE: expression - 3/13/2006 3:22:50 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

From what you wrote, I see that your submissive desires have been on your mind a great deal for the past 5 years or so. You do write well and I have to wonder why you haven’t been communicating with sympathetic Doms during that time as you felt your way through this kaleidoscope of emotions. (Or have you?)

That is how most women, married or not, with submissive desires begin to come to grips with their drives. Yep, you know how it usually ends up, but not always. In your mind does your marriage prevent you from having these conversations?

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 17

RE: expression - 3/13/2006 4:02:36 AM

slaveladyj

Posts: 161
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

Writing erotic stories is a very good way to release some of the tension that grips you. I know because it is something I do. I too, live in a vanilla world, but have deep submissive longings. I have spoken of these longings repeatedly with my partner in life. How you ask? Someone suggested renting movies with this theme, that's one way. Another way is to purchase different toys, and encourage your spouse to play with you with them. My spouse won't dominate me in all the ways I long to be dominated, but he will use some of my toys occassionally, on me. And when he won't, I will. I cyber with a dom and that opens things up more. If you are willing to carry through with a cyber dom's instructions, you may find some satisfaction. And great ideas for your fiction writing.
Granted in my situation, the children are grown and no longer live at home, which makes exploring this side of myself much easier.
But in the meantime, you are being unfair to your spouse and yourself by denying completely this side of yourself. You are not alone in your suffering, he is going to sense and feel you pulling away from him. You owe it to him to discuss your desires.

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 18

RE: expression - 3/13/2006 4:46:56 AM

fldrkhorse

Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Life was meant to be explored grasshopper.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to defiant)

Post #: 19

RE: expression - 3/13/2006 7:25:20 AM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

From what it seems, the OP is not really submissive, but simply masochistic, a separate feeling from the D/s spectrum. I am sadomasochistic, but it does not make me a Switch, and my masochism, currently getting more attention than my sadism, does not make me a submissive. She may simply be into the pain.

It is possible for pain, and pain alone to intiate a sexual response, and for the thought of sex to become repulsive, or simply fade away. I used to often fantasize about sex. I don't anymore, those thoughts have turned towards sadomasochism, even in the worst of being turned on. I believe there was also another person who had posted earlier in another topic that pain is necessary for them to orgasm. So yes, you are not alone.

I would definately head over to this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/BDSM_in_the_vanilla_MOVIES_%2A_news_flash_%2A/m_20476/tm.htm

It was a very good idea from the others who have mentioned it, by introducing your hubby to kink through movies you both like. You will eventually have to let him in on how you are feeling, and who knows, he might surprise you.

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to fldrkhorse)

Post #: 20

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