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Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:01:52 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline 		My ex, who i have prayed for years to finally learn to become Dominant, to become a Master now wants to learn how to become one. Yes he has a dominant personality, sometimes...
But i think he could full switch to dominant, but my question is, where do i look, how do i help him truly become a Master?

<3

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:04:58 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		When you say "dominant", what exactly are you looking for? To you does this mean...

a) Someone to be the doer in slap & tickle games?
b) Someone to have their kinky way with you in bed?
c) Something else?

The word "dominant" just covers WAY the hell too much ground to answer this question as asked in my opinion. Can you name a few things you wished he would do that he does not? Or maybe, a few ways you wish he'd behave that he does not?

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:06:57 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline 		yeah basically,
i mean anybody can have these fetishes, i know him, i mean become more domineering, dominate me. i mean shit im not a dominant so i dont know how to really word this besides using the word "dominate"

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:12:19 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		go to drkdesyre and find a munch, go to demonstrations, goto clubs, they are all over out there, he needs a friend, your hope would be a dominant friend.

And men don't take hints well, they never seem to stick on us. Sit down and discuss with him what you want to happen, and what it does to your mind and your ( Y ) you never know, he might slap the dogshit outta you and start skull fucking you on the spot.

Good Luck,
Ron

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:17:29 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline 		hmmm pretty good. but like with my old masters, they just had this "look" domineering tone that just made me go "ok, yes master" etc and so forth
ya know?
come on you guys do this stuff
what do i do about THAT?

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:19:10 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

i mean anybody can have these fetishes, i know him, i mean become more domineering, dominate me.


Basically, to me anyway, being dominant is not about what a man does, but is about who he is. A lot of information out there unfortunately focuses on things like how to flog, how to tie up etc. These are skills, they aren't dominance. As you pointed out, anyone can have these fetishes. What it seems like you are really asking is how he can master you. How can he get inside you and cause you to respond to him as he wishes you to. I only know it from the side of the mastered. I don't really know *how* they do it. I simply respond to the man he is. Instead on focusing on what *he* "should" be doing, focus on allowing him the space to be the man and establish himself and determine how you will fit into his world, and then accept what he determines for you. Trying to direct him is most likely going to defeat the purpose.

Just my two cents for what it's worth,
anna

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:21:56 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mommahkitten

hmmm pretty good. but like with my old masters, they just had this "look" domineering tone that just made me go "ok, yes master" etc and so forth
ya know?
come on you guys do this stuff
what do i do about THAT?


What do you do?
Nothing.
You don't have the power to make him into a Dominant.
He can learn to play kinky games, learn to swing a crop, but if you are looking for that Dominant personality, he either has it or he doesn't.
And you don't have the magical power to zap it into him.

Sorry.

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:23:12 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't think you can "learn" to be dominant. You either are or you aren't.
To me, it's a mental/personality aspect to a person.

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:23:17 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline 		well anna kudos to you because you hit the nail on the head on this one, but besides giving him space, is there anything else i can do?

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:24:36 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		kuddos anna darling!

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:24:54 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: mommahkitten

hmmm pretty good. but like with my old masters, they just had this "look" domineering tone that just made me go "ok, yes master" etc and so forth
ya know?
come on you guys do this stuff
what do i do about THAT?


What do you do?
Nothing.
You don't have the power to make him into a Dominant.
He can learn to play kinky games, learn to swing a crop, but if you are looking for that Dominant personality, he either has it or he doesn't.
And you don't have the magical power to zap it into him.

Sorry.



oh yeah im screwed,
so if hes switch, then theres nothing i can really do right?

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:25:05 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		you gotta tell him, if hes in there and into being a man, its in there.

tell him stuff like I dont want to get in discussions where we should go out for dinner

Where would you like to go, honey?
I dunno, where would you like to go?
Oh, I dunno, where would you like to go?

Tell him, you decide where you want to go, and fuck what I want, or fuck what I want to eat, you decide for me, I don't want decisions.

And if he ever even for a brief second gets the look and the attitude you want about anything, stop your world.........lid your eyes, lick your lips and say 'that right there' and get immediately on your knees and suck his dick like it is your last meal on earth.

See, that's not a hint, men get that, Oh, I see, I do this, that happens, they catch on to that shit right quick when there is a mouth attached to their cock (well in my case).

He will start getting it on his own, and become bolder as time passes.........

I dunno how to tell you, but there is nothing wrong with a little topping from the bottom, so long as he is cool with it, and he wants to do this stuff.

Ron

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:30:06 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

you gotta tell him, if hes in there and into being a man, its in there.

tell him stuff like I dont want to get in discussions where we should go out for dinner

Where would you like to go, honey?
I dunno, where would you like to go?
Oh, I dunno, where would you like to go?

Tell him, you decide where you want to go, and fuck what I want, or fuck what I want to eat, you decide for me, I don't want decisions.

And if he ever even for a brief second gets the look and the attitude you want about anything, stop your world.........lid your eyes, lick your lips and say 'that right there' and get immediately on your knees and suck his dick like it is your last meal on earth.

See, that's not a hint, men get that, Oh, I see, I do this, that happens, they catch on to that shit right quick when there is a mouth attached to their cock (well in my case).

He will start getting it on his own, and become bolder as time passes.........

I dunno how to tell you, but there is nothing wrong with a little topping from the bottom, so long as he is cool with it, and he wants to do this stuff.

Ron


Kudos to you Ron, i like that viewpoint of doing that
because he does do that
thats his switch side
of him liking to do stuff for me
and trying to get him to start making the decisions

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:33:48 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mommahkitten

but my question is, where do i look, how do i help him truly become a Master?


embrace your ideas about dominance but don't attempt to define him. allow him to craft his identity on his own.

be obedient, supportive, and encouraging. don't become a bobblehead and turn yourself into a "yes sub." he'll probably become irritated.

practice patience and understand this is a process. leave your expectations at the door. he may never become your idealized fantasy. ask yourself if you can accept and live with this.

devote time and energy to improving yourself and cultivating your submission. seek insight and suggestions from him.

ask thought provoking questions that are service oriented. not necessarily sexual or those that offer overt displays of authority, but the simple mundane things you can do that he'd appreciate. remember to start small and go from there.

allow him to set the pace. he's at the helm and you must respect this. even when things don't move according to the speed you'd prefer.

respect his decisions. you are submitting to his will after all. he will make mistakes, accept this.

have fun. it is impossible to predict where this will go. the unknown is part of the journey. best of luck.

porcelaine


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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:37:58 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		yeah, she said it nice. I am not capable of that.
and re the last thing you said, OP.....it is just risk and reward turned on its head, is all.

Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 10/14/2009 11:41:12 AM >

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:40:55 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

yeah, she said it nice. I am not capable of that.

Ron


yes you are, you are terribly sweet for giving me really good advice :D

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Life Sucks. Then You Die. Move On.

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:42:15 AM   
mommahkitten


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/1/2009
Status: offline
allow him to set the pace. he's at the helm and you must respect this. even when things don't move according to the speed you'd prefer.

[/quote]

thank you so much :D i will try

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:42:35 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mommahkitten

My ex, who i have prayed for years to finally learn to become Dominant, to become a Master now wants to learn how to become one. Yes he has a dominant personality, sometimes...
But i think he could full switch to dominant, but my question is, where do i look, how do i help him truly become a Master?

<3
How do you help him become a Master?  That depends on what you seek, does it not?  In other words, are you wanting to help him become a "Master"...one who is appealing to many submissives or are you wanting to help him become YOUR "Master".

In a recent thread, there was stuff written about "mate selection".  Everyone has a right to choose who their mate will be but a lot of that is based on whether or not that person has compatible qualities as a partner for the type of relationship a person envisions themselves as being in.  One of the first things that comes to mind is whether or not the person is interested in joining in that type of relationship with you.  If he is, then what you are looking to "build"...for lack of a better term...is YOUR "Master". 

To do that, you are going to have to look within yourself.  What sort of things make you feel dominated...controlled...submissive...to the one you are with?  You made note of the fact that with past Masters, you just "felt" the compulsion to submit to their control.  But why?  A feeling doesn't come from a place of nothingness...something provokes that feeling.  What did those Masters do...what was in their make-up...what was in their behavior...what was in their demeanor...what was in their tone...etc., etc., etc....that made you feel submissive to them?  Then, ask yourself how much of that is there...how much potential is there...within your ex?

And don't ignore the aspects that have nothing to do with D/s but instead have to do with mental/emotional/sexual compatibility...aka chemistry.  Is that spark still there for him as well as you?  If it is not, then you may be building a "Master" but he won't necessarily end up your Master unless you and he desire to enter into a non-romantic M/s relationship.

You've asked how we do the things we do...it is a difficult question to answer because for someone like me, it came about from letting my "more natural" self out to roam about 11 years ago.  In doing so, I shed a lot of "accepted: ways of behaving and got back to what I was comfortable with.  But one partial result of that was the cost of my marriage.  I don't regret that...I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than live the way I was...but I do regret the pain I unintentionally...and in some cases intentionally...caused others.  I've had one submissive tell me that the further we got into the relationship, the more my tone of voice "did" the "bringing on of submission" for her and yet I've had another submissive tell me that she did not particularly respond to my voice, though she liked it.  She was more into whatever the command given was.  For her, what brought about the "submissive melt" was my grabbing her hair and growling in her ear whatever was on my mind at the moment regarding her.  What I am trying to illustrate with these points is that all dominant people are different and unique though with some similarities.  The same holds true for submissives and that is why I encourage introspection for those on both sides of the kneel and especially for the submissive...if a submissive wants to give a dominant the information he needs, whether it be all of her inner dealings if it is "her" dominant or just the information he needs to play satisfactorily with her if he is a casual play partner, she has to know what is going on within herself.


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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:54:13 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		where were you
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I don't think you can "learn" to be dominant. You either are or you aren't.
To me, it's a mental/personality aspect to a person.
[/quoteI
agree either you are or you aren't no grey areas there smile..

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RE: Question for the dear Masters - 10/14/2009 11:54:51 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Ron is spot on... men do not like hints, mine certainly does not like or understand or respond to hints at all, while a clear request or honest question delivers me results fast.
You have to be open and honest about your wishes and desires, ask him to play with you and tell him how you like to be played... you have to ask politely and in a non-threatening, non-demanding way, you have to be very sweetly and nice... and he might just 'get it' and take to it as a duck to water.
if you show him how you like to be lead and when he tries (and most guys would try, most men like to help a girl) and he sees how beautiful you follow you might just create a taste for more in him...

It worked for us...
i am at a loss why he is your ex though... does that not mean you have split up? are you getting back together when he is a Master then?

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