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The toyed - 10/25/2009 11:58:22 AM   
Demieh


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/4/2009
Status: offline 		So, as a quite fresh Dom, seeing as I have only been into the lifestyle about two years, I have one main issue. I have found Myself spoiling Mine too much, it would seem, and I have not an idea on how to cure such. I feel it would be wrong to punish her when she does not listen, because I have been the one feeding her the fruits of such retaliation. Does anyone have a clue as to what I should try? I would like to get My guiding hand about her collar once more, and bare that unquestioned tongue.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:08:26 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:23:50 PM   
Demieh


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/4/2009
Status: offline 		I have assumed as much, though it merely goes out the extent words can. We originally began as a normal couple, and she had gotten me into the Dom role. I enjoy it very much, though wen I began to realize that those days of spoiling her were coming to bite Me in the ass, I began to question the worth of the struggle. She is used to the spoiling nature, and used to having rights and a say so beyond mere opinion. And so for Me to deny her those rights, or to punish her for sassing, I feel may be wrong.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:25:36 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		do you want her to sass?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:28:05 PM   
Demieh


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/4/2009
Status: offline 		I believe there are times for sass and times for obedience. I am not saying she is a bad girl, not in the least. It is merely that she has grown accustomed to more riches than I see fit to continuously supply. There are times for play and times for obedience. And I seem to be failing at training her to these"schedules".

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:29:43 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh

I believe there are times for sass and times for obedience. I am not saying she is a bad girl, not in the least. It is merely that she has grown accustomed to more riches than I see fit to continuously supply. There are times for play and times for obedience. And I seem to be failing at training her to these"schedules".


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron




_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:34:59 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh
I have assumed as much, though it merely goes out the extent words can. We originally began as a normal couple, and she had gotten me into the Dom role. I enjoy it very much, though wen I began to realize that those days of spoiling her were coming to bite Me in the ass, I began to question the worth of the struggle. She is used to the spoiling nature, and used to having rights and a say so beyond mere opinion. And so for Me to deny her those rights, or to punish her for sassing, I feel may be wrong.
Personally, I think this entire conversation seems a bit garbled. I "spoil" Carol rotten. What's that got to do with whether she obeys me? As long as she wishes to be my slave, then she does so... spoiled or not. Like you, I would absolutely (and am, right now as a matter of fact) questioning the worth of the struggle. I see an examined life of introspection to be a good thing, not some sort of weakness. If you start letting the BDSM community define strong and weak for you, you are utterly screwed. So don't.

That leads to this question of "worth"? How do YOU define worth? To me, things that forward my objectives are "worthwhile". Things that do not are either "valueless" or have negative value. I know what my objectives are and nowhere in them does "owning a slave" figure prominently. Do you know what your objectives are? If so, I'd suggest you measure worth against them. The same logic can be applied to whether punishing her is "right" or "wrong". It is neither. It is either expedient or it is not.

So, to recap. Figure out your goals. Define a strategy. Measure tactics against that. That's my advice.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 12:58:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It seems to Me that YOU need to change YOUR approach if YOU want a different result.  YOU created this now YOU have to fix it.

Here's how you start:

NO!


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 1:31:09 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

She is used to the spoiling nature, and used to having rights and a say so beyond mere opinion. And so for Me to deny her those rights, or to punish her for sassing, I feel may be wrong.


I would ditch the capitalization, and converse with us in normal English. I have a hard time taking you seriously - if this is the methodology you use to prove your domliness, you're barking up the wrong tree. This is not supposed to be a work of fiction...

(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 1:37:51 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm indulged heavily. I won't say spoiled because spoiled is when you get things instead of love and attention.
How is she to know when you are in the mood for her to indulge her love of witticisms and when you want her to just go yes sir/no sir? You need to tell her.

So do that, next time she misreads your mood - put your hand over her mouth and tell her you want her to be quiet and do what she's told now, not to talk back.
If she refuses you need to ask her if she wants to submit or not. If she doesn't, fine you'll have an equal relationship. If she does, then she needs to do so.

Beyond that, is it possible she is hoping that if she acts out you will spank her? Because if the only time she gets her physical needs met is when she acts up, then expect her to do what she has to do in order to get them met. In this case, tell her to ask for a spanking, or to drape herself over your knees and hope for one.

If it is a question of unmet needs, then have you considered a maintenance spanking. A medium to hard one delivered every morning and night that she isn't ill for five to ten minutes.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 2:48:35 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail


quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh

I believe there are times for sass and times for obedience. I am not saying she is a bad girl, not in the least. It is merely that she has grown accustomed to more riches than I see fit to continuously supply. There are times for play and times for obedience. And I seem to be failing at training her to these"schedules".


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

sit down and talk from ground zero.

Ron





Ronnie want a cracker???


Is that sassing?

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 4:06:05 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Note to self.... buy stock in Breathe Right Strips.

_____________________________



(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 4:17:11 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh

So, as a quite fresh Dom, seeing as I have only been into the lifestyle about two years, I have one main issue. I have found Myself spoiling Mine too much, it would seem, and I have not an idea on how to cure such. I feel it would be wrong to punish her when she does not listen, because I have been the one feeding her the fruits of such retaliation. Does anyone have a clue as to what I should try? I would like to get My guiding hand about her collar once more, and bare that unquestioned tongue.


OK.....*spoiling* to me, means exactly what it says. *ruined*

Unlike DesFip's description...I can be given UNTOLD amounts of material things but it isn't likely to *spoil* me.

 Are you saying that you've given her her own way for so long that you're not sure how to change things....without giving her a hard time?

Well, you might jolly well have to. You don't have to *punish* her.... but as Ron said ( over and over and over) ...... you probably have to go right back to boring old  * What's it all about??*

agirl




(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 4:37:42 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh
I would like to get My guiding hand about her collar once more, and bare that unquestioned tongue.


And so, once again, we turn to Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer for guidance. Cesar does not train dogs. He trains owners in how to discipline themselves, and the dog follows suit.

Your girl/child/dog/employee is not disciplined because you are not disciplined.


Seriously.

(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 5:02:31 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		The thing is for the most part, you may have to start from square one. You stated she placed you in a dominant role thus gave you the power to dictate how the relationship grows and in what direction. If you want to continue doing so, then you will have to be more stricter and less lenient. It is fine to allow your sub free rein though it should be at your discretion.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 5:54:35 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh
I would like to get My guiding hand about her collar once more, and bare that unquestioned tongue.


And so, once again, we turn to Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer for guidance. Cesar does not train dogs. He trains owners in how to discipline themselves, and the dog follows suit.

Your girl/child/dog/employee is not disciplined because you are not disciplined.


Seriously.


I'm not a fan of the usual over-blown US stuff that we are bombarded with here in the UK......but Cesar holds a rather sweet place in my heart.  He tends to blow away the smoke and mirrors and deal with what's left.

agirl





(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 5:57:12 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: Demieh
I would like to get My guiding hand about her collar once more, and bare that unquestioned tongue.


And so, once again, we turn to Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer for guidance. Cesar does not train dogs. He trains owners in how to discipline themselves, and the dog follows suit.

Your girl/child/dog/employee is not disciplined because you are not disciplined.


Seriously.


i couldn't agree more with this sentiment.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 6:14:19 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		At the end of the day, you are the dom and she is the sub. She's taking guidance from you. If she's not behaving in the way that you prefer, you're the one who needs to make the changes. Are you sending conflicting signals? Are you tolerating behavior you don't appreciate? You need to make clear what it is you expect and what it is that you don't want, or find annoying, or what have you. If your sub is trying to please you, odds are things will change if you're clear, consistent and caring.

If there are moments of inconsistency - and I have them myself - you need to set or work out some sort of ground rules. Sometimes I like banter along the lines of, say, Nick and Nora Charles from The Thin Man or Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell from His Gal Friday. Quite often I work through an idea by discussing matters - simply talking through whatever it is - during these times I'd expect my sub to tell me "that makes no sense" or "I don't get it" or "I don't think that'll work". I'd be upset if she didn't.

If I'm not up for "sass" or whatever, I just flat out say something along the lines of "I'm not in the mood for that right now". Every sub I've ever had pretty much understood that it was not the time to act up or "crack wise". As the relationship matures and your dynamic develops, a good sub becomes very adept at reading your moods and will likely understand when it's time to be playful and when it's time to be serious. When I'm under the sink with a pipe wrench and a faceful of water, I don't expect an arguement, a debate or attempts to get attention - I expect to be handed the washer when I need it or to have the dogs kept out of the kitchen. If I come home with a new set of nipple clamps and a crop, well ... I expect something different.

[Edited for typos - I make a lot of them.]

< Message edited by InvisibleBlack -- 10/25/2009 6:15:48 PM >

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to Demieh)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 8:18:37 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Looking at the profile, they're both very young. He's all of 19, who knows if she's even graduated high school.
A lot of the stuff we might advise isn't possible for teens living with their parents who don't know what they're doing. And especially when her parents might well have him arrested for abusing her.

About all they can both do is learn more and talk about it. Which is not a bad thing at all.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to InvisibleBlack)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The toyed - 10/25/2009 8:23:04 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		You're absolutely right. I hadn't checked out the profile.

I'll boil my advice down to - as the Dom, your sub is taking guidance from you. Try to be clear, consistent and caring.



_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 20
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