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The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 2:48:41 PM

devilishpixie

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This topic was brought up within the "Why not black instead of African American" thread and rather than hijack that thread with this topic I thought I should start a thread to discuss it.

Although more and more people in today’s society indicate an openness to dating outside of their race, many still consciously or subconsciously prefer either to date only individuals from their racial background or individuals from specific racial backgrounds while excluding all others. For example, I myself have only dated black men for the past two years. Most people including myself who admit to such limitations on who they will date defend this practice as simply a preference rather than yet another, subtle form of racism. The reasoning ranges from innate or genetic attractions to people of a specific race or who share their own background and wanting someone with similar cultural values or experiences, to feeling as though one relates more to a particular race and the desire to have children who resemble themselves.

While many reasons offered for dating limitations present legitimate concerns, does having such concerns adequately answer the question of whether or not excluding particular races for any reason in any context amount to racism?

And are race-based dating limitations truly just preferences, or are they a smaller reflection of society's racist views in general?

Is dating strictly within your race the same as strictly dating outside your race or within another race? Why or why not?

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 2:54:53 PM

subtlebutterfly

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We're all people, if I like you I like you..if I don't then I don't...if they are black then..well..damn I'll just date them anyway.
I don't really have a preference and I see nothing wrong with interracial.
That being said..I certainly don't hold the same view as my parents and rest of the family.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 3:25:48 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

This topic was brought up within the "Why not black instead of African American" thread and rather than hijack that thread with this topic I thought I should start a thread to discuss it.

Although more and more people in today’s society indicate an openness to dating outside of their race, many still consciously or subconsciously prefer either to date only individuals from their racial background or individuals from specific racial backgrounds while excluding all others. For example, I myself have only dated black men for the past two years. Most people including myself who admit to such limitations on who they will date defend this practice as simply a preference rather than yet another, subtle form of racism. The reasoning ranges from innate or genetic attractions to people of a specific race or who share their own background and wanting someone with similar cultural values or experiences, to feeling as though one relates more to a particular race and the desire to have children who resemble themselves.

While many reasons offered for dating limitations present legitimate concerns, does having such concerns adequately answer the question of whether or not excluding particular races for any reason in any context amount to racism?

And are race-based dating limitations truly just preferences, or are they a smaller reflection of society's racist views in general?

Is dating strictly within your race the same as strictly dating outside your race or within another race? Why or why not?

Q1- I think it is how you may viewed by others, parents in particular as to whether or not one would tent to date within their own race
Q2- No, again how you are viewwed is a major consideration for some. You will never totally remove racism from society.
Q3- Dating, that can be just being judgemental, you have made an assumption that a whole race is undesirable

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 3:29:23 PM

Moonhead

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Sadly, you get people from both sides who take a very stern (ie violent) line towards mixed race couples.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 4:22:21 PM

devilishpixie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonhead

Sadly, you get people from both sides who take a very stern (ie violent) line towards mixed race couples.

This is very true. I was recently approached by a black woman who told me it was my fault that black women could not find a decent hard working black man. I was baffled.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 4:34:08 PM

Moonhead

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It's a strange attitude. As you say, it's worryingly widespread, though. (And that's without even bringing religion into it: I've heard nightmarish stories from people who've dated Asian muslims...)

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 4:42:00 PM

DarkSteven

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We all have preferences. I don't date men, period. I also prefer women that aren't too heavy and that aren't too skinny, and that have a nice face. I like women who are intelligent, and if they share my religion, that's even better.

While I don't have racial preferences, I do have many other preferences.

And, pixie, tell that black woman that if she won't date outside her race while complaining that she cannot find a good man, she's overlooking a very simple solution.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 4:43:24 PM

littlewonder

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For me it was always a preference. While I never set it as a limit when I was dating I've never once been attracted to a man who was something other than caucasian.

I tend to believe that most people are attracted to others who are similar to themselves even when it comes to race.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 5:35:07 PM

DesFIP

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I feel no need to be so pc that I only have sex with people I'm not attracted to.

Saying that I'm being racist for dating guys who turn me on is the same as telling me I'm sexist because I don't have sex with other women.

I've dated a couple of black guys over the years. Really nice guys but they just didn't do it for me. I've also dated a couple of redheaded guys to discover that I am not turned on by redheads, or blondes. Or guys who are writers, editors, journalists, lawyers, etc. I turned down a Dutch count who was a real sweetheart and made me smile because he just didn't do it for me. I don't date short guys either, so sue me.

If I don't lust for you, I don't date you. That's my bottom line.

Racist is making a law that forbids people from interracial dating. Preference is picking what you like. I don't eat pistachio ice cream but I don't lobby to stop it being sold.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 6:28:33 PM

Lucienne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

And, pixie, tell that black woman that if she won't date outside her race while complaining that she cannot find a good man, she's overlooking a very simple solution.

Wow. That is spectacularly bad advice. I would recommend against (white women) attempting to give black women dating advice unless you are very good friends with them and they asked for the advice.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 6:40:36 PM

devilishpixie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

And, pixie, tell that black woman that if she won't date outside her race while complaining that she cannot find a good man, she's overlooking a very simple solution.

Wow. That is spectacularly bad advice. I would recommend against (white women) attempting to give black women dating advice unless you are very good friends with them and they asked for the advice.

Ok, I'm going to bite. Why shouldn't / wouldn't I say something smart when told such thingsregardless of the race of the person making the statement?

< Message edited by devilishpixie -- 10/28/2009 6:41:43 PM >

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 6:59:35 PM

Lucienne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

And, pixie, tell that black woman that if she won't date outside her race while complaining that she cannot find a good man, she's overlooking a very simple solution.

Wow. That is spectacularly bad advice. I would recommend against (white women) attempting to give black women dating advice unless you are very good friends with them and they asked for the advice.

Ok, I'm going to bite. Why shouldn't / wouldn't I say something smart when told such thingsregardless of the race of the person making the statement?

Well, what DarkSteven suggested you say isn't "smart." It's pretty clueless and ignorant. And the race of the person who made the comment to you is relevant. I would recommend against making such a "smart" comment to a black woman because you are a person of relative privilege and you, apparently, have a nice hard working black man as your partner. You can easily afford to be generous about and forgiving of other's generalized frustration given your specific success. To the person making the comment to you, it really isn't about you, it's about a much larger cultural dynamic. Under those circumstances, I think the "smart" thing to do is respectfully disagree and leave it at that.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:03:48 PM

devilishpixie

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Lucienne,
I actually totally agree with you. I understand their reaction or anger isn't specifically towards me personally but to a larger issue.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:14:09 PM

NeedToUseYou

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My personal opinion is that it is pretty sad that one makes skin color to be a major issue or the most important issue to put it in flashing or Bolded text on the their profile. As in of all the characteristics available in a human, to somehow conclude that skin color is very important in that list, seems to indicate something going on, in ones head.

Example, I don't care for certain hair colors but if a woman was great and just loved her hair that color, I wouldn't trash her over it.

If I met a black woman that was perfect emotionally, sexually, and our goals were compatible, it would stupid to scrap her, because she wasn't white.

Anyway, a preference is one thing, stating one is absolutely not interested in some arbitrary feature is another. Especially one that is completely out of their control.

So, yeah, I guess I think it states something less than palatable when someone says NO Blacks, or NO Whites, or whatever. I'm not going to say it's equivalent to racism, but there is something not right, IMO.

One can equivocate that its similar to saying No men for a heterosexual male. It's not however, since it's pretty well established that factor is mostly genetic, racial preference is not, just like prejudice, and racism is not genetically acquired. It's learned.

When a preference turns into an absolute requirement, it turns into something more disturbing.

Similar to when a prejudice turns to an absolute belief, it becomes something to be concerned about.

IMO.

It's the absolutes that are disturbing.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:15:46 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Not to me it's not, because there's culture diferences sometimes between what whites have gone through and blacks have gone through and nature versus nurcher, And I know plenty of black people who's family would pitch a fit, and I maybe shallow for this but I don't want a relationship with someone who's family is going to be oppositional about our relationship because of race or culture differences.

but I guess that's the same with any one you could date.

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

Is dating strictly within your race the same as strictly dating outside your race or within another race? Why or why not?

(in reply to devilishpixie)

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:22:11 PM

BKSir

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I actually think that DesFip put it pretty well. I've never dated a black person, or pakistani, or a handfull of others, but, I'm not saying I wouldn't. Although, I probably wouldn't. I'm just not physically attracted to them in general. I say "in general" because there are bound to be exceptions to the rule. Like... Sidney Poitier. He was friggin HOT! Asians, on the other hand, well, I'm a notorious rice-queen. To me, it's about personal preference. If I'm not physically attracted to someone, that's just the way it is. I don't like basketball either, but if someone wants to watch it, that's up to them. I sincerely doubt I'll lose any sleep over it. Unless they have the tv too loud. I don't think that makes me either a racist or an anti-basketball fascist any more than it makes me some kind of reverse sexist because I'm gay. I can appreciate the beauty of other races and sexes, but, that doesn't mean I'm going to date them or have "relations" with them. I can appreciate the beauty of a sculpture in a museum too, I'm not going to try and have sex with that either. (The museum guards get upset about that for some reason).

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:31:19 PM

lizi

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I am Caucasian and was married to a Korean for 17 years. I loved him and married him - race never entered my mind. It never occured to me to ponder if I should get married to a Korean, I only wondered if he was the right man for me. My answer to the first question the OP posted is that I don't care what race a potential partner is if I am attracted to him then I'm attracted and people are allowed to choose what they prefer in whatever color it comes. It's not racism, it's preference.

Secondly, I can't really answer if racially based dating is a reflection of society because society hasn't been all that rough on us. We encountered some racism but not as much as I thought would happen. Our ums have had some problems with narrow minds but really it's been rare. I have ended up thinking that maybe our society has accepted this to a greater degree than I previously thought was possible. It's been rather nice being surprised. Nothing really ugly has happened to any of us.

Thirdly, dating is dating. You find your best match in whoever that is and you're perfectly welcome to determine the criteria for that yourself.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:41:31 PM

Daddysredhead

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quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonhead

Sadly, you get people from both sides who take a very stern (ie violent) line towards mixed race couples.

This is very true. I was recently approached by a black woman who told me it was my fault that black women could not find a decent hard working black man. I was baffled.

Of course, pixie. I'm baffled, too, by the view that the white girls who date black men are ruining black women's chances for a good black men. Most of the black women I know don't feel that way, and I haven't had that ideology spouted off to me since high school when I briefly dated a black guy and some girls there told me the same thing. I don't hear white men telling black men that they are reducing the chances at finding a quality white girl.

*insert snark - just a joke, FFS - but maybe that's because everybody knows that white girls who date black guys are just trashy mentol-smoking "Newport" whores anyway*

(or maybe it's just that the white guys are scared to tell the great big scary black "minz" anything, because we all know that big black men are all gangbangers who listen to hip-hop, knock back 40 oz. malk liquor like water, and beat their women in the Walmart parking lot)

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:43:18 PM

ShadowSide

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As with everything, its about choice and dealing with the consequences that follow.

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RE: The impact of racial preferences in dating... - 10/28/2009 7:47:24 PM

Daddysredhead

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I was married to a man from Sri Lanka for nearly 14 years. After him, I've been with DB who is a black man. Before my ex-husband, I tended to date mostly white men, although I have dated hispanic, Asian/oriental, etc. For me, it's not so much the packaging per se... but what's inside the package when I open it up.

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